Night Hawk

by Lindsay McKenna

  Giving a jerky nod, Kai moved restlessly around the cubicle, her arms wrapped tight around her body. “It just hit me out of nowhere, Gil.”

  He sat there, trying to understand. “But I’m not Sam. And I’m nowhere near dying.” And then it slammed into him like a runaway freight train: Kai cared for him. Sure, she might be reacting from the past, from losing someone she loved, but this was here and now. Gil wiped his mouth, scowling, watching her move slowly around the cubicle, never making eye contact with him. The anguish he saw clearly in her expression tore at him. Shock rolled through Gil as he rapidly put all the pieces together. He ached to take Kai into his arms, his heart swelling fiercely in his chest over the realization of why she was really upset. Gil wasn’t sure she even knew why from the way she was behaving. Or maybe she was and she was just as shocked by the stunning revelation as he was? That there was something still between them? Something good?

  For a moment, Gil wanted to shout in triumph. But he could be wrong about her reaction, so he tabled it. “Does this happen often?” he asked her.

  Kai halted, staring down at her boots. “Not often,” she admitted, her voice hollow.

  “I know it takes years to get over a death, Kai.” He’d never gotten over her, or what he’d done to her. God, how he wanted to make up for it, to give Kai happiness because Gil knew he could. Sam had treated her poorly in his estimation. He’d been a cold robot. Sam had never been able to let down and be intimate or allow his emotions out of that box he stuffed them in.

  Sometimes, when he was with Sam and Kai, he’d see the sadness in her eyes when she looked at her husband. She was rarely animated or emotional around him, and Gil knew that was because Sam wasn’t able to share how he felt. Many times over, he wondered what kind of intimacy Sam was able to achieve with Kai. He saw their marriage as a mismatch and in that three years they’d been married, he’d seen Kai shrinking away a little more each time he saw her. As if Sam’s inability to let down and be emotional with her was killing her a little more every time he was able to come home and be with her. Sam had been so damned locked up. And Gil had to stand aside, saying nothing.

  He was not going to force Kai not to show her emotions to him. She had to be feeling strongly about him to want to cry. His heart turned to mush because he loved her so damned much. This was the first time Gil had any inkling of her feelings toward him other than anger. And by him trying to minimize his injury, he was sure it was jogging Kai’s memory of how Sam had treated her. Gil didn’t want to go there. “You could help me if you want,” he said. He wasn’t going to throw this opportunity away, betting that Kai’s reactions were because she cared for him.

  Kai turned. “How?”

  He gestured to his leg. “Would it bother you to massage my lower leg? I think it would help.” Hell, Gil didn’t know if it would or not, but he was dying to have her hands on him. And it would give Kai something to do, something positive that she could be part of his healing team, of sorts.

  Instantly, Gil saw her face brighten, as if he’d just thrown her a life preserver. Wincing inwardly, he realized that whatever was going on here, it was about them. Not Sam. Not her marriage to him.

  “Sure,” she said.

  Gil moved the paper aside, exposing his hairy lower leg. He saw her give a quick swipe of her eyes and she came around to that side of his gurney. The moment she laid her small, cool hands on his leg and gently moved them from below his knee to his foot, a startling arc of fire sheeted through Gil. Trying not to overreact, he lay back, closing his eyes.

  “That’s great, Kai. Feels good.” Hell, he felt guilty, lying, to get her to touch him. But as he opened his eyes, studying her profile as she focused on his leg, he saw it was helping Kai a lot. Doing something when you were upset usually was good, and he saw it was working for Kai.

  “I’m not hurting you, am I?” she asked, glancing up at him.

  “No…it feels better.” He tapped the ice pack. “It’s helping up here.” That was a lie. The look of hope burning in Kai’s gray eyes would make Gil lie to God himself because he saw her rallying. She’d felt helpless and cut out of the loop. Like Sam had so often cut her off from himself. A warm feeling moved through Gil. It was a white lie, he convinced himself. Her fingers were strong, but she was moving them gently against his flesh. And, dammit, his erection was growing. Again.

  Grimly, he reached for a blanket sitting on a nearby tray and dragged it across his hips so it wouldn’t become obvious. There was no zipper and tough Levi’s material to stop it from showing. Gil didn’t want Kai to see it. Everything felt so tentative with her, but he silently watched her throw herself into massaging his lower leg. And, damn, it felt good. When her fingers began to push and knead his foot, he groaned. He couldn’t help it.

  “Damn, you’re good at this,” he murmured. When she glanced up, he was glad he’d lied. Kai’s cheeks were turning pink. Was she remembering the times when she’d massaged his back and legs? Her touch had always been healing. Right now, it was sending flames up his leg, directly to his erection, and he kept the blanket in place, hiding it.

  “Thanks. I just want you to get better, is all.”

  Hearing the slight tremble in her voice, Gil said less gruffly, “I’m going to be fine, Kai.” And then he teased her a little. “Were you always like this? Taking care of everyone else in your family?” He saw her full mouth purse for a moment and then a faint curve at one corner of her mouth.

  “I guess so.” She managed a one-shouldered shrug. “Steve always called me Little Mother. If I wasn’t taking care of a sick chicken, a kitten or a horse, he said I wasn’t happy. He thought I’d go on to become a nurse someday.”

  Gil nodded. “Was your mom like that?”

  “Very much so.”

  “I guess it was kind of tough growing up without your mother around to sort of guide you?”

  “Probably,” Kai admitted, kneading his thick, hard calf gently between her fingers. “But I was always that way.”

  “It’s a nice way to be,” he said, watching her expression bloom with happiness. Gil felt good being able to make her feel better. He’d give his right arm to make that happen. And her fingers were working magic on him. Because Kai didn’t know medical stuff like a Delta operator did, he had tricked her, but he didn’t feel bad about it because now her anxiety was remarkably reduced. White lies were okay in his world. They hurt no one and often helped. More than anything, he felt such a powerful wave of love for her roll through him. Gil had to clench his jaw to stop from telling her how much she had always meant to him.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  “TELL ME MORE about your growing-up years,” Gil urged Kai. She continued to gently massage his lower leg, and he could see her shoulders beginning to lose their tension. He was discovering something else about her and it made him feel good. When she was upset he could get her to focus on helping in some way, and then she ramped down. It made him feel like a miner who had just found a placer gold nugget in a stream.

  “Not much else to tell,” Kai said, her mouth quirking downward.

  “Humor me?” Gil said, adding a pleading look to go with his request. Kai’s gaze was haunted looking again. Why?

  “I’ve told you a lot of my history. I have one brother, Steve. He’s two years older than I am. My Dad favors him over me because I’m female. Steve has been like an oak in the storm of our lives. He’s a good person and I love him very much.”

  Frowning, Gil said, “You said you contact him weekly, right?”

  “Yes. He fills me in with what’s going on.” Kai raised her chin and looked at him. “Being disowned by my dad means I can’t cross the ranch property line.”

  “It’s crazy to do that to you.” Gil saw the anguish in her eyes. Her hands stilled for a moment over his leg.

  “He’s a caveman throwback,” Kai muttered, forcing herself to focus on Gil’s limb. “Because Mom died when I was eight he got it into his head that all women were weak. He wanted me to stay
at the ranch and cook and clean for them instead of going into the Army. I wasn’t going to stay there and be a servant. There was more to me, Gil, than just washing dishes and pushing a broom around. He got pissed because I was leaving and told me if I left, he’d disown me.”

  “Damn, I’m sorry, Kai. No parent should ever do that to their child.”

  “Yeah, well, my dad believes women should be seen, not heard. And I have a big mouth on me when someone starts to push me around. I don’t take it. So what if I’m shorter than Steve and I’m not as strong as he is? I did all the ranch work Steve did, but my dad still considered me weak.” Bitterly, she added in a whisper, “He might as well have added the word useless while he was at it.”

  For a moment, Gil saw tears in her eyes. Just as quickly, Kai swallowed and they were gone. “Maybe he was threatened by you because you were strong and self-sufficient, unlike your mother?”

  “I don’t know what was going on in his mind. He wrote me out of his will and Steve gets everything. I don’t blame Steve. God, he does the work of two men. My dad needs to hire another wrangler, but he’s cheap and so Steve picks up the slack. My brother always sounds so tired when I call him.”

  Rubbing his jaw, Gil studied Kai. “Was your father hard on you?”

  “He has no feelings,” she said wearily. “I never saw my father cry except once, and that was when Mom died. He beat the tar out of Steve when he was seven and told him that men didn’t cry.”

  “How did your father relate to you, then? You were his daughter.” Gil saw her roll her eyes.

  “I was an afterthought in my dad’s world. I had to fight to learn everything I did about ranching. Steve was the one who taught me what I know. My dad refused to, said a girl should know her place.” Her voice dropped with barely veiled anger. “I never knew my place as far as he was concerned.”

  “Can you go home and visit Steve?” Gil searched her misery-laden face. His stomach tightened with hurt for Kai. No one had protected her. No one except her brother. He felt anger stir deep in him for the father who reminded him in some ways of Sam. He wondered if Kai had married a man like her father in some respects: cold, emotionally unavailable and unable to be intimate. That old saying held some truth to it.

  “No. My dad told me I couldn’t step foot on the ranch ever again. He means it, Gil.”

  “That’s crap,” he muttered angrily. “You’re his only daughter.”

  “He’s not exactly what I’d call a stellar parent. I do go visit Steve once a year. I drive close to the ranch, stay off the property, and he drives out to meet me. We go into town and I stay at a motel for a couple of days. It’s fun catching up with him. Steve needs someone to talk to, Gil. My dad is rough on him, treats him like a slave, like he’s less than dirt. I’ve told him he should leave the bastard and let him stew in his own juices.”

  “You think he might?”

  “No.” Kai sighed. She turned and spotted some hand lotion on the steel counter and picked it up. Squeezing some into her palm, she rubbed her hands together and then began to massage his leg once more. “He feels guilty.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Steve feels like he let me down. That he didn’t take good enough care of me. My dad was always telling Steve it was his job and responsibility to take care of me.”

  “But he was only two years older than you.” Gil rapidly made a calculation in his head. Steve had been ten when his mother died, a very fragile age for a child trying to grow from boy to man. Gil could only imagine the struggles Steve had with his own grief, and then dealing with Kai’s grief, plus suddenly having total responsibility for her. Now, he was beginning, perhaps, to understand some of the sadness he had observed in Kai since coming to the Triple H. Maybe it wasn’t about being around him, after all. Maybe it was the silent cross she bore regarding her family and her remote father. It made him feel even more protective of her than ever.

  “I know,” Kai said softly, frowning. “Steve is sensitive, like me. We both took after my mom so far as I can remember. It was brutal for Steve. He wanted to cry over Mom’s passing, but he held it in. We helped each other through that time…”

  Hearing the pain in her low voice, Gil held on to his building anger for her damned father. “It’s good that you have one another.” He wondered if Kai had gone home after Sam had died. “Is Steve ever going to get married?”

  Shaking her head, Kai said, “No. Steve doesn’t want to bring a woman to the ranch with our dad there. He saw what he did to me. He doesn’t want to put another woman in his crosshairs.”

  “So Steve has more or less surrendered his life to running a ranch?”

  Her hands stilled on his leg for a moment and she said in a strained voice, “Yes. I wanted to go home, to make my peace with my father before he died, but he rejected my request.”

  “Jesus,” Gil muttered, running his fingers through his hair. “What the hell is the matter with him?”

  “I don’t know. Steve’s upset about it, too. The stress he’s under with Dad dying, being part-time caregiver and trying to keep the ranch running properly, has really worn him down. After I left the Army, I wanted to go home and help Steve. But when he talked to Dad, he said no. He said—” Kai shrugged weakly “—he never wanted to see or talk to me again. That I was dead to him.”

  Gil couldn’t stand it. “Come here,” he said roughly, sitting up, leaning forward and hooking his hand beneath her upper arm. The surprise on her face as he gently tugged her toward him was evident. The tears in her eyes tore at Gil. “Just let me hold you, okay?” he growled, dragging her into his arms, enfolding her against his chest, her head coming to rest on his shoulder. The gurney stood in the way between them, but Gil didn’t care. He was driven like an obsessed man to do something…anything…to give Kai a little comfort. A little love that her damned father had never given her.

  Gil thought Kai might pull back or fight him, but she didn’t. It was as if this was exactly what she needed as she surrendered fully to him. The orange scent of her hair mingled with the fragrance of her skin. Gil inhaled deeply, remembering her special scent, her body, her kisses…her unselfish heart when she gave him everything when he’d needed it the most. Her breasts were soft against the span of his chest, her arm sliding around his torso, tightening. He could feel the beat of her heart against his, the soft silk of her hair sliding against his chin.

  Closing his eyes, Gil felt an inner tremble, the memories of loving Kai coming back so powerfully. Kai rubbed her cheek against his shoulder, his skin tightening.

  “Now, you listen to me,” he growled softly, holding her close. “You’re the finest woman I’ve ever met in my life. You give so much to so many, Kai. You never ask anything for yourself in return. Your father is a sick man to think he could ever throw someone like you away.” He felt tears hit the backs of his eyes. Swallowing against a lump, he muttered, “I know I don’t deserve someone like you, but you need to know you saved my sorry-assed soul when I walked into the barracks and asked for you. Anyone who has ever been touched by you, Kai, knows you’re someone special.” He pressed his mouth against her hair, the memories sweet and intense. How badly Gil wanted to love Kai, to give back to her. Knowing how much her father had stripped from her young, innocent heart that only knew how to love, sickened him on a new level.

  Wanting to pull her away just enough to tip up her chin and curve his mouth against hers almost overwhelmed him. Gil had to keep his wits because his whole body was unraveling in memory of their time together.

  “Okay?” he demanded gruffly, giving her a small squeeze to emphasize his words. He felt her give a jerky nod. Kai had rested her brow against his neck and jaw, clinging to him. As if she were a scared child seeking a safe harbor. An intense sense of protection toward Kai overwhelmed Gil. He wished things were different. Right now, all he could offer her was what she was willing to accept from him. He was sure Kai wasn’t entertaining loving him. With a ragged sigh, Gil reluctantly eased her awa
y from him, their eyes meeting. Hers were a soft gray, moist, raw with vulnerability. He managed a faint smile for her benefit.

  Releasing her, he nudged a few strands of her hair away from her temple. For some reason, Kai was allowing her hair to grow. It made her look even more beautiful. Dragging his gaze from her soft, parted lips, he barely stopped himself from leaning forward to take her.

  Giving him a grateful look, Kai backed away, touching her reddened cheek. “Y-yes, I’m okay. You’re the one who is hurt. I should be asking you that.”

  Gil wondered if Kai had developed that kind of response because when she was hurt, her father never cared enough to find out how she really was. “There are all kinds of injuries, Kai. Some are seen. Some aren’t.” He searched her eyes, lost in their velvet quality. “Thank you for all you’ve done for me. Never forget that. Okay?” He dug into her gaze, making the point. He now realized that by him leaving her without a word, he’d been like her coldhearted father who had emotionally abandoned her at eight. The awareness staggered Gil and, more than ever, he was incredibly sorry for his stupidity in not at least penning a note to her before he left. He hadn’t been thinking right, lost in grief over Rob’s death, lost in her, the bright, wonderful emotions she’d brought to life within him. But that wasn’t an excuse for his behavior or his poor decisions.

  His mother had raised him to be better than that. Filled with sorrow, Gil added gently, “Listen, I’m here for you. Do you understand that? I know I screwed up with you before. No one, believe me, is sorrier than I am for what I did to you. From now on, let’s just allow that chapter to be closed, because we can’t change it.” Gil reached out, barely brushing Kai’s pale cheek. “Tonight, we start a new chapter. I’ll be better at being accountable to you. I won’t ever leave you in a lurch again, Kai. I promise you that,” he rumbled, meaning every word of it.

  Kai gave a nod and sniffed. “I’d like that, Gil. You’re right—the past is done and gone.”