Shark Out of Water (Grab Your Pole, #3)

by Jenn Cooksey

  Jeff glanced at the clock on the microwave and then looking at me while handing Camie a plate of delicious smelling eggs benedict and a six inch stack of bacon, he said, “I heard the water start running seventeen minutes ago. Just so you know.”

  “Fuck off, I’m out of practice and I’m tired,” I growled, not willing to announce over breakfast that I’d just discovered my girlfriend is delightfully multi-orgasmic. Grinning to myself about that, I went to swipe a piece of Camie’s bacon before realizing what I was doing. I stopped just shy with my fingers poised over the pile and looked at her like, “Oh shit, I didn’t mean to…please don’t hit me.”

  She raised her eyebrows at me and then with her mouth full she mumbled, “You may continue.”

  I looked at Jeff and Kate, snatched a piece of bacon, and with a big grin, I took a bite and said, “You see that? That’s true love right there…”

  Jeff was grinning and shaking his head, but Kate smiled at him and said, “Yeah, nothing says love like swine…I mean I wished you were a pig, remember?”

  Camie and I shared a private look and she let me continue to pick at her plate with my fingers when Jeff walked over to Kate sitting at the table, and handing her a single strip of bacon off my plate that he was just walking around with to be a dick and tease me, he said, “Here, have another piece of my heart, Katy…I swine you,” and we all started laughing.

  We got through breakfast, which was probably the best meal of my life. For one thing; Jeff can cook up a mean hollandaise sauce, and it kinda took me back to the day of my first date with Camie when I was teasing her about sleeping over and Jeff laying eggs for her breakfast, which made it seem, to me anyway, that we’d sort of come full circle. But also, Camie and I were snuggling, feeding each other and sharing our food, plus our best friends were with us and the whole experience just seemed to solidify our decision to carpool together for as long as we want to and for as long as life will let us. We don’t need or want a map and for once, I’m okay with not having a plan because I have her and that’s all I really want. But being that it’s the day of our party and people will probably start showing up in a couple hours or so, the four of us started to plan out what’s on the agenda and what still needs to be done.

  The weather was gorgeous, probably somewhere in the high seventies, and by the time Brandon and The Band pulled up, we’d determined they could set up outside in between the house and the lake. So live music is taken care of, and when I decided Camie needed to be tossed in the lake just before sunrise this morning, I found that the water is a little brisk, but I doubt it’ll be cold enough to keep people out if they wanna swim today or tonight, plus there’s one corner that’s been fashioned to take full advantage of the hot spring, making it like a natural Jacuzzi, so we have that too. I’d gotten out all the fishing gear so that’s available for anyone who wants to head over to the other side of the property to fish, and I thought about corralling the horses for the whole thing because they like to be out when the weather’s nice, but decided that probably wouldn’t the best idea. I don’t want anyone getting drunk and fucking with them because even though our horses are well behaved, you don’t wanna screw with an animal that outweighs you by five hundred pounds or more…it never turns out well. So my plan is to let them out while the sun is up and I can keep an easier eye on them and then I’ll stable them at dusk. And if anyone wants to ride while it’s light out, that’s cool, provided they know how to ride or have me with them, but I’ll be locking the stable doors after I put them to bed. We have four horseshoe pits, and since we’d ordered a side of beef so that Jeff can play “Grill Master” like he’s been dying to do, we’re gonna have the huge outdoor grill goin’ so the kitchen can stay somewhat in tact. The kegs— previously signed for by my dad, God love him—were delivered and the only thing I have to leave the property for is an assload of ice, both dry and wet to go into the ten or so coolers and buckets we have for soda, water, and Gatorade.

  While I was out, I made sure I stopped by the pharmacy too. Well, I stopped at two of them because the first one only had latex. On the way to the second, I thought about writing a letter of complaint stating sex discrimination against those with allergies as my basis for disgruntlement. Really I was just irked at having to drive back down the street to a pharmacy I’d already passed but hadn’t stopped at because it was on the other side of the road and there was nowhere all that close for me to make a left turn. Although I got over the irritation of traipsing up and down the same two-mile stretch of road when it occurred to me that I was, at long last, buying condoms knowing full well they’d be put to phenomenal use and wouldn’t ever have the chance to go out of code.

  It made me a little giddy. Honestly, I think the clerk thought I was high. As I was standing there having the condoms and a two-pack of pregnancy tests rung up, I thought about it and came to the conclusion that, actually, I kinda feel high. But I’m guessing that’s because I’ve had very little sleep combined with not being laden with the inordinately cumbersome burden of guilt that I’ve been schlepping around with for weeks, and also, I have the pleasure of removing that bag from my closet when I get home tomorrow and distributing its contents throughout my room where it all belongs. That and I finally got to make love to my baby. Kind of a lot actually. I mean a whole lot. It was awesome. I’m so excited to do it again.

  I caught myself not chuckling, but practically giggling as I got in the car and realized how I must look and sound. You’re buying condoms and pregnancy tests, tests that won’t tell you dick today by the way, and you’re giggling like a little girl as you tra-la-la your way out the door. Yeah, no wonder the clerk thinks you’re high, you nerd.

  I think Camie thought I might’ve been high too even though I told her I wasn’t.

  “Come here…” I demanded, dragging her back upstairs and into my bedroom when I got back from my shopping excursion.

  “Wh—oh…right now? Tristan, come on, people will b—”

  “By the way, I’m not high. Here, pee on this. I’ll be back in…” I said, shoving one of the tests in her hands and then grabbing the box back to look at how long it takes for the results, “Up to three minutes,” I finished. Then I gave her a kiss on the head and started to leave.

  “Wh—wait!” I turned back around to look at her in question, “Tristan, I know it says six days before but, this isn’t gonna tell us anything, you know that, right?”

  “Yep! Humor me, please! I’ll be back in up to three minutes. Love you!” And with that, I left her standing there with her mouth hanging open.

  Anyhow, the party got in full swing probably sometime around 4:00, settling into a rage by 8:00 and everyone seemed to be having one hell of a blast taking advantage of the variety of things they had at their disposal. Camie and I dozed on the grass under the warm sun together once or twice, we swam, we danced, and we laughed at Brandon’s grumbling and refusal to sing any country without being in costume, so Jeff plucked my cowboy hat off my head and tossed it to him. First, Brandon flipped Jeff off but then, pointing at Keith in the audience as a dedication, he did a hilarious rendition of Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue,” which had Keith laughing so hard all throughout, that he climbed up on the stage and shook Brandon’s hand when the song was over.

  Camie and I also went for a horseback ride, just the two of us, which wound up being tricky and required a hell of a lot of balance, but it was amazing just the same. I don’t know how Neptune felt about it, but, I have an idea about helping him out with his love life; I just don’t wanna say anything to him yet ‘cause it might jinx it. Anyway, that was also when I discovered in answer to my quandary of last night, that it’s not being nature boy who doesn’t use a net that makes it feel so amazing. It’s just her. I mean, there’s a difference, but, it doesn’t seem to matter.

  I was putting the horses away for the night, reflecting on that and trying to talk myself into believing that how long I can go isn’t a big deal. You know, a quality over quantity kind o
f thing. I was leading Amalthea, horn and all, out of the five-acre, grassy corral she’d spent the day in when Brandon climbed up the fence and hopped down on the other side, coming to see me.

  “Sweet. You got a unicorn,” he said straight faced, like it was an unusual pet, sure, but not impossible.

  “She thinks so…you guys taking a break?”

  “Yeah, we’ll get back at it in an hour or so…how’d it go last night? I know you guys worked shit out but…” he said, while petting Amalthea’s velvet nose and making kissy sounds to her. She bumped his cheek and lowered her head so he could get to her ears, and then when he whispered something I couldn’t hear, she nickered and took a small step forward, practically leaning into him. Figures. She’s in love. My mom’s unicorn is in love with a human rock star. I really need to get goin’ on my idea for Neptune before this turns into a serious thing…

  “Hey man, stop flirting with my horse’s crush. He already has enough to overcome before she’ll even look at him,” Brandon just looked at me with a half-smile and kept petting her nose, waiting for an answer, so I sighed and then gave him one, “It went…good. Better than I hoped for honestly. A lot better.”

  “Uh-huh. You Mr. Clean?”

  “Yeah, I flushed,” I told him, meaning that I’d told Camie everything and that I’m putting what I did behind me. Basically, I’m forgiving myself.

  “Good,” he said and looked out over the valley.

  “How’d you know?”

  “That it would work out?”

  I nodded. He’d known last night and decided to have the DJ at the dance play“Far Away” as a way of trying to let me know too. I didn’t realize it until today though when Melissa and The Band were talked into doing a cover of “Just Give Me a Reason,” the duet P!nk did with the lead singer of F.U.N., Nate Ruess. Somehow Brandon knew before Camie and I did that she would forgive me and that it was gonna work out.

  “Gut instinct. And uhh…Jillian said it would. But mostly my gut told me.”

  “Humph.” Yeah I’m not gonna ask why Jillian thought everything would be okay. I’m coming to accept that along with a lot of other things, Jillian’s talent for being right doesn’t need to be explained. You just gotta take it for what it’s worth, which reminded me of what I’d been talking to myself about before he climbed the fence.

  Now, I don’t talk about this kind of stuff with anyone really, but, Brandon…well, Brandon’s different for some reason. When he and I talk, we don’t feel the need to hide behind our masks because we wear similar disguises, and we don’t worry about loose lips or judgment because we’re close friends now and have learned that we hold a lot of the same personal tenets, so I looked at him and asked, “Was Melissa the first virgin you ever slept with?”

  “Third.”

  “Were any of ‘em…different?”

  “Eh…the first time was with some chick I didn’t even know…it was spring break and she was dared or made a bet with her friends, I don’t remember, but it had something to do with getting me specifically to do it, whatever, but she didn’t tell me she was a virgin beforehand and I was sorta toasted and I don’t think I remembered to ask, so, my bad. And I don’t remember much about what doin’ it was like, but I remember the exact moment I realized she was a virgin and I remember thinking how surreal it was because it wasn’t all that big of a deal. I always thought taking a chick’s virginity would’ve been, you know? I mean you’d think I would’ve felt something, but, I honestly didn’t. It was just straight up sex. Nothing more and nothing less, and all told, the act itself wasn’t all that noteworthy.

  “Second was a girl I’d been goin’ out with for a few weeks and it went down pretty much the same way as the first except I knew beforehand, but Melissa…? Totally different fucking story,” he said and we both started laughing at his unintended pun, “No, seriously though…Melissa was way different. I mean we were just fuckin’ around, you know? It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. We’d set it up to be a weekend fling and that was gonna be it. But, not how it turned out. Obviously. I mean we didn’t even exchange cell numbers until the day we all left and even then it wasn’t until after we decided to be legit,” he said and went to scratch at her name that was newly tattooed on him, catching himself just before he did, “With her I was hooked before we even kissed, you know, way before the idea of us having sex ever came into play, I just didn’t know it.

  “No, I take that back, I did, I just wasn’t paying attention to what my gut was telling me, so when we got a little carried away and I found myself thinking of her like she was mine and only mine, and wanting to take care of her and all that shit I told you about last weekend…well, it wasn’t just straight up sex. And she cried. Dude, it was just…I dunno. I mean from jump there was so much more that went with it and after not feeling a single thing with the first chick and not a whole lot more with the second, I think I was in shock.

  “So anyway, I told you some of this already, but after our last time in the desert, I stayed awake almost all night worrying that she’d regret me, hating the idea that she wasn’t actually mine, and once I did pass out, I had fuckin’ nightmares about her haulin’ ass home to go screw the joystick, which, uhuhuh, that really fucking bothered me, because, you know, she was mine. Period. But, I had no say. I was the dirty little secret and I was gonna stay that way because I really fucking cared about her and wanted her to be happy, and I didn’t want her to feel guilty for how I felt on top of not feeling right about screwin’ around on the joystick.

  “But then the day we all left, she and I got in an argument and by the end of it, she was gonna break up with him for me but, she didn’t wanna come clean to any of you. So, I balked on taking her as mine again until she did. I mean, you’ve seen what guilt did to my dad and my family, so you fuckin’ know I wasn’t gonna have her forever feelin’ like shit about cheating with me and lying about it because she would never really be mine if she did, and she’d never be able to breathe freely without a clean conscience.”

  I was nodding, understanding for the first time really that this whole time, Brandon saw and understood guilt probably better than anyone, and without coming right out and telling me what to do, he’d been trying to get me to see that I needed to confess to the person I’d wronged because the longer I waited to do that, the harder it would be to do for one thing, but I also wouldn’t ever get what I really needed and that was forgiving grace from myself.

  “How was the not straight up sex the first time?” I’m dying to know. Honestly. It’s making me nuts.

  He looked at me and chuckled. “It was fuckin’ hot and it was fuckin’ over…really quick.”

  “How quick?” I asked automatically, this being the crux of my internal insecurity.

  “Under four minutes. I was humbled, dude. Fuckin’ humbled. How long’d you go?”

  “Well, I hit some speed bumps, but once the road was clear, about the same. What the fuck is that about?”

  “The girl.”

  “Really?” God, I hope so…

  “That’s what I’m tellin’ myself.”

  “Huh. I sure hope you’re not lying to yourself…”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “Condom or no condom?”

  “Wrapped.”

  “Have you gone without?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did you notice a difference?”

  “Yeah but it’s the least of the evils so I just deal. But, here’s something I haven’t figured out yet…almost every fucking time I’ve gone commando with Melissa, I don’t get out in time. I didn’t have a problem doin’ it before her though, so I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not.”

  “Interesting.”

  “Yeah, isn’t it?”

  We stood there for a minute, both of us doing some mental head scratching as we tried to figure out what it is with our individual organs and their responses to our respective girls when Camie walked up.

  “Hey Baby,” I said, pulli
ng her into a tight hug and kissing her on the head.

  “Are you putting them away?” She asked me and stroked the unicorn’s mane. Amalthea had been totally satisfied with the attention Brandon had been giving her so when Camie pet her, she snorted like she was either startled or just being a bitch. I’m gonna go with bitch, though, because she’s still making eyes at Brandon.

  “Be nice, he has a girlfriend already so you can’t have him,” I told her and then answered Camie, “Yeah.”

  “Oh.”

  “Why?”

  “Oh, I dunno…I was thinking it might be fun to go for a ride,” she replied and started walking backwards in the direction of the stables with a little bit of a devious twinkle in her eyes.

  My brows rose automatically of their own accord, as did another part of my body in anticipation. “Yeah? Right now?”

  “Giddyup, cowboy,” she said in answer and then she turned around and kept walking.

  I looked at Brandon and abruptly said, “I gotta go.” And then leaving him standing there with Amalthea shamefully fawning over him, I sprinted after Camie, but called back over my shoulder to him, “The unicorn has a crush on you by the way, have fun with that!”

  In our “ride,” I tried to remind myself that it’s quality that matters and just tried to accept it for what it’s worth. Which, originally, was worth letting go of control and taking a risk in living life without accidentally creating a new one. And, happily, I can report that even though we pulled an all night study session the night before, Camie flunked the test I’d given her that afternoon. When I came back to let out a huge sigh of relief in reading the negative results, she and I talked some more about us, my nightmare, and my upcoming procedure, and Camie’s totally got my back on the vasectomy.

  Our conversation was like none other as we were more transparent and candid with each other than we’ve ever been with anyone. We talked like we’re actually true partners in life. We’re still not promising or even saying we’re gonna spend the rest of our lives together, but we are gonna live like we are until we decide that we either want to make a lifelong commitment, or, until we decide once and for all that we’re done putting up with each other’s shit. So from now on, all the decisions that get made will be made with each other’s input. We’re not gonna withhold information from each other because it’s honest to God poison for us, and we don’t wanna go back through any of what we just barely survived. Even if we’re afraid of what might happen, we know we owe it to ourselves and to each other to be forthright and honest.