Mr. Badger and the Difficult Duchess

by Leigh Hobbs

  ‘Her grace, the Duchess de la Dodo,’ replied Mr Badger.

  ‘Never heard of her,’ snapped Lady Celia as she squinted at the Duchess, adjusting her glasses. ‘I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something familiar about her. Dreadful manners, I must say, wearing sunglasses indoors. A very nice fur she is wearing, though – it reminds me of one I used to wear. Hmmm, and the shoes, too.’

  Mr Badger and Miss Pims watched as the Duchess, spotting an uneaten raspberry-meringue pie with pineapple coulis, set off towards the sweets trolley.

  Clomp, clomp, clomp went her feet as she strode into the room. Despite those long, long legs, Mr Badger noticed that the Duchess did not move very gracefully.

  If it hadn’t have been for Mr Badger’s quick thinking, what happened next would have made the morning newspapers, if not the International Philatelic News. For, with a dreadful squeak and then a shriek, the Duchess de la Dodo slipped on the beautifully re-polished Boubles Grand Hotel Ballroom floor.

  Gasping in astonishment, the stamp-collectors looked up as the Duchess became airborne, her extra-long legs flailing above their heads. Her arms flapped about like a great big bird, fanning hats off heads and menus off tables. Most distressing of all, stamps flew everywhere as she struggled to steady herself.

  The guests were momentarily stunned into silence. Then the crowd screamed as one as the Duchess – who they only knew as a very tall woman – lurched back mid-air, right into the newly restored Boubles Grand Hotel chandelier.

  ‘Looks like an attention-seeker,’ said Lady Celia.

  Back and forth she swayed, suspended by her magnificent hair like a great gangly spider. It was a truly horrifying spectacle. Everyone clutched their seats, as thousands of precious stamps fluttered about the Boubles Grand Hotel Ballroom.

  Then, bit by bit, the Duchess – literally – began to fall apart.

  First one long leg, and then another, dropped to the floor with a loud, echoing thud. Moans filled the room as, straight after that dreadful scene, the Duchess’s head and hair separated, her sunglasses flew off and she plunged to the floor with a crash, right in front of Sir Cecil and Lady Smothers-Carruthers. Her grace’s hair, though, was left hanging in the chandelier.

  ‘Good heavens! I thought she reminded me of someone!’ said Lady Celia, breaking a shocked silence.

  ‘Remarkable,’ mumbled Sir Cecil, scratching his head.

  For, lying on the floor at their feet, surrounded by stamps, was their darling little granddaughter, Sylvia Smothers-Carruthers.

  Mr Badger, sensing that the reputation of the Boubles Grand Hotel was at stake, stepped forward and applauded enthusiastically. ‘BRAVO!’ he cried.

  Following Mr Badger’s lead, the whole Philatelic Society joined in with thunderous applause, believing that this performance had all been part of the evening’s entertainment, compliments of Sir Cecil and Lady Celia – sort of a spectacular stamp mix-and-match.

  Lady Celia was not amused.

  Mr Badger’s quick thinking had saved little Sylvia – in fact the whole Smothers-Carruthers family – from a dreadful embarrassment.

  ‘She’s training to be in a circus,’ said Lady Celia with a tense smile to some very important stamp-collectors at the next table. ‘Isn’t she talented?’

  CHAPTER 9

  A Stamp of

  Approval

  ‘You have quite a bit of explaining to do, young lady,’ said Lady Celia to a surly Sylvia. ‘How did you get your hands on my fur? Not to mention my shoes and my glasses!’

  Lady Celia was painfully aware of Sylvia’s constant attention-seeking, and it was true that Sylvia desired to be a circus acrobat. ‘A clown is more like it,’ Lady Celia would hurrumph. ‘There’ll be no acrobats in this family.’

  Mr Badger felt it best not to say anything about Sylvia’s occupation of the Royal Suite, not even the three television sets, the food, the drinks or the pizzas, and especially not the cake flown down from Edinburgh.

  Someone was a naughty girl.

  Sylvia was in enough trouble as it was, and he did not wish to cause Sir Cecil or Lady Celia any more anxiety.

  ‘Come and sit!’ demanded Lady Celia, one hand pointing at the empty seat next to her and the other at her very grumpy granddaughter. ‘And take off those earrings.’

  While Mr Badger quietly directed staff to gather up Sylvia’s stilts, retrieve her big wig from the chandelier and collect her extra-long frock extension from the floor, Sylvia made herself comfortable and looked over the Philatelic Society’s special menu, as if nothing out of the ordinary had taken place.

  Sylvia joined Lady Celia for dessert.

  ‘You’ve missed the main course, but you may order dessert,’ Lady Celia snapped. ‘I’m sure the kitchen would be more than happy to prepare something very special for you.’

  Down below, deep in the Boubles Grand Hotel kitchen, the red-alert light flashed on once again.

  Meanwhile, the stamp-collectors were in a state of extreme excitement. Never before had a stamp-swapping evening been as thrilling, resulting in so many unexpected discoveries.

  An extreme excitement of stamp-collectors.

  ‘Well done, Mr Badger,’ whispered a grateful Sir Cecil with a wink.

  ‘Happy to be of service, sir.’

  Mr Badger took the evening’s events in his stride. After all, he was the Boubles Grand Hotel’s Special Events Manager – and this had certainly been a special event. In fact, the whole day had been special. Mr Badger had a feeling that the kitchen staff would agree.

  CHAPTER 10

  A Cup of Cocoa

  and a Chat

  Much later, after Sylvia Smothers-Carruthers had been safely deposited home and tucked into her very own bed, and the Royal Suite had been cleared of pizza boxes, comic books and the three televisions, Mr Badger went home; his work, for today at least, was done.

  The Boubles Grand Hotel Royal Suite was ready once more for a royal visitor – hopefully a real one next time.

  By the time Mr Badger arrived home, baby Badger and darling daughter Berenice were fast asleep. But not so Mrs Badger.

  She was waiting up with hot cocoa and sandwiches to share with her husband.

  Mrs Badger was eager to hear about the day’s events. And it must be said that Mr Badger took a great delight in relating them to her, for it was not every day that the Philatelic Society Annual Dinner featured a guest as memorable as the Duchess de la Dodo.

  A little later, just before he closed his eyes and fell asleep, Mr Badger smiled as he wondered just what he would find in his diary tomorrow morning at the Boubles Grand Hotel.

  The End

  More Leigh Hobbs books for you to

  enjoy from Allen & Unwin

  Horrible Harriet

  Hooray for Horrible Harriet

  4F for Freaks

  Freaks Ahoy

  Old Tom’s Big Book of Beauty

  Mr Chicken Goes to Paris

  For more details, visit Leigh’s website:

  www.leighhobbs.com.au

  We hope you have enjoyed the

  third book in the Mr Badger series.

  And don’t miss Mr Badger’s next

  adventure at the Boubles Grand Hotel.

  A Little More about the Author

  Leigh Hobbs didn’t like reading stories very much when he was a child, though he does remember adoring Kidnapped and Treasure Island.

  This may seem a disturbing admission for an author to make but it is not really, because what he did like reading were true stories about other people’s lives, and books about history. These were what fed his imagination – and in fact continue to do so.

  Leigh always wanted to be an artist, so took a special interest in the pictures. Consequently, he was forever drawing pictures of castles, knights, pirates and sailing ships with surprisingly accurate depictions of how a knight dressed or what a castle looked like.

  nd the Difficult Duchess