As she tried to remember how Marielle had looked when she experienced an orgasm she had to slap herself internally. How could she know? She hadn’t done anything to be rewarded with an orgasm from Marielle. She’d taken everything and given nothing in return. Shame filled her entire being. She’d never been selfish, especially not in bed. What the hell had happened to her? And on her first night with the best woman she’d ever known, for fuck’s sake.
“Ralph, I’m such a fucking idiot,” she cried, startling the dog when she let herself fall back heavily onto the bed. “I’m a complete moron.” She burrowed her head into the pillow and growled with frustration. Assuming she wanted to play, Ralph jumped onto the back of her head and started licking her ears wildly, tickling her. She was laughing and battling with the mutt when her phone rang. Audrey reached out to the nightstand, where she’d left the device and answered, “Hello?”
“Morning, baby.” Marielle’s voice was soft and sweet, and she realized she’d missed it in her sleep.
“Morning, beautiful. I miss you.” She heard a gentle laugh and could see the smile that went with it, lighting up Marielle’s face.
“I miss you too. I just wanted to make sure you make it to work.”
Audrey took a look at the clock radio and discovered she had just enough time to get ready. “Thank you, that’s nice.”
“You’re welcome. I also wanted to ask for a favor.”
Anything, Audrey thought, still feeling guilty for being unforgivably selfish on their first night together. “Name it.”
“I was wondering if you could stay with Felix tonight. I’ve been thinking about everything you said regarding avoidance, and I’ve been guilty of it too. Probably even more than you. I don’t want to avoid stuff anymore, either. So I’m going to tell Sam about us. Tonight.”
Audrey’s first reaction was panic as she imagined Sam’s hurt and rage, and she wanted to ask Marielle to wait. Old habits died hard. She took a deep breath and quickly came to the conclusion that Marielle was right. There was no reason to keep secrets. It would only keep them from enjoying their new life together, and she certainly didn’t want anything to get in their way.
“Audrey, are you okay with that?”
Marielle’s voice brought her back to the moment, and she realized she’d been silent for too long. “Yes, yes, of course. Sorry, you took me by surprise, but I think you’re right. Yeah, I’ll come straight to your house after work, and I’ll stay with Felix. Did you arrange to meet with Sam already?”
“No, I wanted to check with you first. But I’ll call him now. Thanks.”
“Anytime. You know that.”
“I know.” They stayed quiet for a few moments, listening to each other’s breathing over the phone, not wanting to hang up. “Audrey?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Are you still naked?” she whispered, making Audrey’s body shudder.
“As a matter of fact, I am.”
She heard Marielle’s wanting sigh loud and clear and smiled. “Well go get dressed, woman, before I go crazy.”
Audrey laughed. “Okay, but we have to hang up first.”
“Okay.” Another long pause. “I’m very happy, you know,” Marielle declared almost timidly.
“Me too. I love you. Have a great day.”
“Okay, you too. I love you, baby.”
Marielle hung up, and Audrey jumped out of bed, feeling slightly better because Marielle didn’t seem to hold a grudge for her selfish behavior the previous night, but frustrated because depending on how the evening went with Sam, she might not get a chance to make up for her poor bedroom etiquette tonight.
* * *
Marielle had left Audrey and Felix at her house right after dinner and was driving to Sam’s apartment. He’d agreed to meet with her, although he’d seemed a little hesitant. He was obviously wondering what was so important that they needed to meet on a Tuesday night and without Felix. But Marielle simply could not wait.
When Audrey had fallen asleep the night before, Marielle had made room in her mind for thoughts other than madly wanting the gorgeous blonde lying naked in her bed. She’d remained awake for over an hour, thinking of Audrey’s inspiring resolution to stop avoiding everything from people to life itself. Marielle had examined her own life and had to admit Audrey had nothing on her when it came to avoidance. She was the absolute expert. For years she’d avoided people and real friendships. She’d avoided confronting Sam about how unhappy she was with their marriage. She’d even avoided talking about divorce after he’d left, even though she didn’t want him back. After thinking about the situation over and over, she was forced to admit that if Sam hadn’t left, she would most likely still be with him, tragically unhappy and wondering what these strange feelings she had for her new neighbor could be. The realization upset her, and she decided this behavior had to stop. She had to take responsibility for her own life and start living rather than just being subjected to a life in which she made no decisions whatsoever.
So tonight she would tell Sam about her new relationship with Audrey. That was the easier of the first two issues she’d decided to tackle. The second was to be honest with Audrey about her weird, still unexplained sexual hang-ups. Unpleasant heat crept up her body from just thinking about that impending discussion, and she angled the car mirror down to take a look at herself. She wasn’t surprised to find the familiar red blotches on her neck and chest.
One thing at a time, she thought, taking a deep breath.
She slowed down as she approached a series of eight small apartment buildings. She hadn’t been to Sam’s apartment yet, but she found the neighborhood welcoming. The street was quiet, bordered with several large trees, and she’d passed a small park with a well-equipped playground where she figured Felix and Sam spent a lot of time. Each building couldn’t contain more than three or four apartments, she thought, almost giving each gray brick building the feeling of a single-family home.
She found the address she was looking for and parked on the street. One last deep breath and she was off to reveal herself as a freshly discovered lesbian to her soon-to-be ex-husband. She snorted a nervous laugh at the thought.
Sam opened the door before she had time to knock. He smiled and hugged her. Marielle was grateful to find him alone. She’d been worried Marjorie would be there with him.
“Hey there. How have you been?” he asked.
“Good,” she answered. “And you? I like the place, by the way.” She scanned the open floor plan with sincere appreciation. The white walls were a little boring, and the vertical blinds of the living room as well as the white cupboards and gray plastic laminate countertops of the kitchen clearly dated the building to the mid eighties, but the space was large, clean, and illuminated with abundant natural light. The hardwood floors were well-maintained, and Sam’s new furniture somewhat succeeded in modernizing the apartment.
He showed her Felix’s bedroom with pride. It was definitely the most decorated room, and Marielle was touched to see that everything her son liked was reflected in the décor, from the numerous trucks displayed on a bright red bookshelf to the superhero-themed bedclothes, pillows and matching lamp on the nightstand. She had no doubt Felix was happy when he was with his dad, as he should be.
“Wow. You did very well,” she said.
He smiled, and she saw how much her approval was important to him. “I wanted him to be comfortable when he’s with me.”
She lightly patted his forearm, and they walked back to the living room. He motioned her to sit on the couch and brought them two cups of coffee before sitting on the opposing love seat.
“So what is it, Marielle? I have to admit I was surprised when you called this morning. Is anything wrong with Felix? Or you?”
She took a sip of coffee and let it warm her mouth and throat before answering. “No, nothing’s wrong. Don’t worry. But there is…something new in my life, and I thought you had to know. I didn’t want to wait to tell you.”
> “Okay,” he said apprehensively, urging her to continue with a nod.
“It’s not easy for me to tell you this,” she went on, “and I hope you can be as receptive as I was when you told me about Marjorie.”
“You’ve met someone?” he offered, appearing slightly relieved.
“Yes.”
His next question was one she expected, given the size of St. Georges and how long they’d both been living here. “Do I know him?”
She took another sip of coffee and set the cup on one of the coasters sitting on the coffee table. She forced her hands to remain still in her lap and looked him straight in the eye. The moment of truth had arrived. “Yes, you know her,” she said calmly.
His eyes opened wide, and he raised his eyebrows in question. “Her?”
Marielle just nodded and then swallowed nervously. He ran a hand through his short, unruly hair and sighed loudly.
“Audrey?” he guessed.
Again she nodded, and a long silence followed, during which she watched as a hundred thoughts seemed to go through his mind. He shifted position in his seat several times, looking around him as if searching for the right response. He finally settled with his elbows on his knees, bending forward. When he looked at her, he let out an uneasy laugh before speaking. “Wow. I can’t say that I’m not shocked, obviously. But Audrey is a good woman. I like her. Does she make you happy?”
They both smiled, and tears simultaneously filled their eyes. “She makes me very happy, Sam.”
He reached over the coffee table to grab her hands. “Then you have my blessing, Marielle.”
“Thank you.”
After squeezing her hands one last time, he let himself fall back into his seat, and this time his laughter seemed more relaxed. He wiped off the last of his tears, and she did the same, unable to stop smiling. Marielle was certain in that instant that this man would remain her friend for the rest of her life. She loved him. Not the way she was supposed to as his wife, but strongly nonetheless.
“Wow,” he said again. “My wife’s a lesbian.”
They both laughed. “Apparently so,” she stated.
“Are you sure? I mean, if things ended with Audrey, would you find another woman? Or is it just Audrey?”
Surprised by the question, she hesitated for a second before she answered. “I don’t know, to be honest. The thing is, I can’t think past Audrey, Sam. I don’t want to think past Audrey.”
His warm smile reached his eyes, and then he became serious again. “When are you going to tell Felix? Do you want me to be there?”
She was moved by his thoughtfulness. “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about that yet. What do you think?”
“I don’t know. It’s a little delicate. But I think he’ll be okay with it. He loves Audrey, and he has a friend at school with two daddies. He was asking me about that the other day.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you tell him?”
“Probably the same thing you would have. Love is love, and there are all kinds of families. You know I wouldn’t raise my kid to be homophobic, Marielle.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He shifted in his seat again and hesitated before speaking. “Do you think that’s why you were…you know…?”
She guessed where he was going with his train of thought and chose to help him. He deserved the truth. They were finally talking freely, and she wouldn’t deny him answers she should have given him years ago. “You want to know if I refused to let you touch me because I was gay all along?”
“Well, yeah. I guess.”
She stood up and joined him on the love seat, resting her hand on his arm. “I really wish I had a clear answer to that. The truth is, all I know is that I didn’t want to have sex with you.”
She squeezed his arm lightly, and he looked down at the floor before looking at her again. “I knew that. I don’t know if I feel good or bad about you saying it, though.” He laughed weakly. “I guess it’s good because I know I wasn’t crazy.”
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you. Now is it because I was gay? Maybe, but I don’t know. It’s not like I was fantasizing about women. I never thought about women before I met Audrey. So I don’t know if that’s the reason. If it is, I didn’t know it. In fact…” She hesitated before continuing, but she wanted to confide in him. “I’m still having issues, really. I haven’t let Audrey…touch me yet.” She couldn’t help the tears that started flowing freely down her cheeks.
He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a comforting hug. “It’s okay,” he said softly. “You know what? That might just be years of conditioning. Your body is just used to reacting that way when you’re being touched.”
She let the words seep through her mind. That might be true, she thought. “Maybe,” she murmured, almost hopeful.
“You have to promise me something, though,” he said in a serious tone as he rubbed her shoulder soothingly.
Marielle pulled away from him to look into his hazel eyes before asking, “What?”
“Talk to her about it. If we’d talked about things years ago…who knows? Maybe you wouldn’t have these issues now. Just talk to her, okay?”
“I will. I’d already planned on it.” They smiled at each other, and she relaxed against the back of the love seat. “When did you become so wise, anyway?”
“Uh…About the same time you became a lesbian, I guess.”
They laughed without any restraint this time, and it felt really good.
* * *
Marielle had stayed with Sam longer than she’d expected. They’d caught up about their lives: Marjorie, Sam’s new job, Felix’s silly stories. Marielle had even shared a little more about how she’d fallen in love with Audrey. It had been a great evening, but it was past eleven when she made it back home. She stopped by her son’s bedroom and watched him sleep for a few minutes. The dog faithfully curled up at his feet caught her stare. She walked into the bedroom and quickly petted him before kissing Felix’s forehead and whispering, “Good night,” without waking him. Then she continued to her own bedroom, where she found the woman she loved sleeping soundly on her back with an arm bent over her head on the pillow. She looked so adorable. And so sexy in her simple white cotton tank top. Marielle wanted to wake her up and make love to her right now. Very badly. Instead she stripped to her underwear, put on a clean T-shirt and climbed in bed next to her. She settled her head on Audrey’s chest and slipped her hand under her tank top, carefully cupping one of her perfect breasts. Audrey took a sharp breath but didn’t wake up, and Marielle fell asleep listening to her lover’s heart beat.
* * *
The next morning Audrey woke up to Marielle’s fingertips tenderly caressing her back. She was on her side, and Marielle was behind her. She glanced at the clock and smiled when she saw it was only five a.m. They had time to linger in bed together before they had to go to work. She turned around to face Marielle and placed a hand on the brunette’s hip that she then moved lazily in a circular motion.
“Good morning,” she said before she brushed her lips against Marielle’s for a quick kiss.
“Good morning. Thanks again for last night.”
Marielle’s expression was pensive, not playful in the least, so Audrey left her hand on her hip but stopped moving, worried. “You’re welcome. How did it go?” she asked tentatively.
“Very well. Sam obviously has a lot of respect for you. He even gave us his blessing.”
“Really? That’s fantastic, Marielle,” Audrey said as she brought her arm around Marielle’s waist for a hug. Marielle hugged her back, but when Audrey pulled away and looked at her, she noticed Marielle’s smile wasn’t as joyful as she would have expected it to be. She brought her hand to Marielle’s cheek and asked with concern, “Why doesn’t that seem to make you as happy as I thought it would?”
As if snapping back to reality, Marielle offered a wider smile and kissed her on the lips before
bringing her own hand up to brush blond strands away from her face. “It does. I’m very happy about that. It’s just…”
Marielle bit her lip in hesitation, and as sexy as it looked, Audrey’s heart wasn’t racing out of desire. She suddenly felt as though Marielle had something important to share. Something she wouldn’t like at all.
“It’s just what?” Her tone was drier than she meant it to be, and Marielle moved her hand down her shoulder and arm in a preventively soothing stroke.
“Well, you know how I said I wanted to stop avoiding stuff, just like you?”
“Yeah, that’s why you wanted to tell Sam about us.”
“Exactly. Only Sam wasn’t the only one I had to talk to about something very important.”
Audrey stopped breathing for a few seconds, watching as Marielle’s nerves showed up in red patches on her beautiful chest. “There’s something you have to tell me? Do you have regrets? Are we moving too fast? Do we need to take a step back?”
“No, no, no. None of that, baby.” Marielle kissed her shoulder and her neck with a hint of the yearning Audrey had been worried was already gone. “Please, if I had my way, you’d be in this bed every night from now on. I don’t want to go back,” she continued. Her dark stare looked right through Audrey, and she was forced to believe the words Marielle said next. “I love you, Audrey. There’s no turning back from that. But there’s something I’m dealing with that I need to share with you if I want us to move forward. And I definitely do. Please say you believe me.”
“I do,” she answered fearfully. “What is it? I’m listening.”
Marielle’s gaze followed her own hand to Audrey’s shoulder and focused on the circles she started tracing with her finger as she spoke. “Well, you know my marriage with Sam wasn’t a happy one.” Audrey nodded, but Marielle didn’t seem to notice, because her gaze was still fixed on her own finger. Audrey understood that she just needed to listen until Marielle said everything.
“We never had sex. I didn’t want to. I kept rejecting him. And then my body started having these weird reactions I couldn’t control every time he tried to approach me. I don’t know when it started, but it was so long ago I don’t remember any other way. Even if sometimes my heart and my mind wanted to give him something, my body would react before I could even try to fake anything. I tensed up. I jerked away. It was automatic. He just had to put his hand on me and my body would shut down.” She stopped to look into Audrey’s eyes.
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