Ash Eater

by Emerson, Joanna

  “I’m afraid of all this. Will we really be any different than before? Or will we push each other away again when time of plenty comes and pleasure is once more our greatest pursuit? I’d rather remember someone like her when she gave herself for someone else. I’d rather remember myself as someone who saved her, rather than someone who will eventually push her away.”

  “Do we have to be like that?” Galahad asks.

  “We always have been.” The edge of Galen’s voice wavers. “No wonder the fire giants come.”

  “Don’t think that way, Galen. We can change.”

  Galen clears his throat. “I hope you can. I can’t stay here.”

  Don’t go. But I can’t open my mouth. My lips are so dry. Don’t go!

  *

  “Miya.” A gentle voice calls me to wake.

  When I open my eyes, there are walls close to me on every side. The walls have gaps, but they seem sturdy enough. I don’t remember falling asleep in this tiny, makeshift shelter. I thought I was beside the cathedral.

  I rub the sleep from my eyes and crawl to one of the bigger cracks in the wall.

  I’m just outside the cathedral. I don’t remember this shelter here. Did Galen build this? His brother lies sleeping soundly beside me. Galen must be more desperate than I thought to avoid the inside of the cathedral.

  Beyond the cathedral, it’s dark, except for the morbid fires in the city.

  “Miya.”

  Whoever is calling me is inside the cathedral.

  Groping along the walls, I search for a door. It’s less crude of a door than I anticipate: it even has some kind of hinges. And it doesn’t fall off when I open it.

  I climb out of the shelter and close the door behind me. I ache everywhere. And the night air is full of screams and cries. So many that I didn’t rescue.

  My legs hurt so bad I have to crawl over the threshold.

  Inside the cathedral, it’s dark and quiet.

  I still hurt, but I stand. A pale silver light pours through the stained glass windows and splashes in patterns on the stone floor.

  “I’m so glad you’re awake.”

  I turn to see who it is that spoke. I know that soft, gently voice anywhere. It’s the voice that draws me into wakefulness, who sustained me in my darkest hours.

  Leella and Kitta said he was alive and I gripped to hope and fought doubt. Eye level with him, I look into his milky white face and I can’t help but smile, even when my heart bursts with sorrow. Sorrow upon sorrow, but then this strange, strong joy. Even in this light I can see that his face is covered with scars.

  “I’m so glad to see you,” I whisper. And I am. The lamb glows with a brightness I’ve yearned to be near. “What you did back in the forest—I didn’t deserve that. I’m so sorry.” Tears trickle from my eyes.

  “I’m so glad to see you, Miya.”

  His breath washes over me and pain dissipates from my limbs.

  And so do my many questions of why. I don’t need to know why as desperately as I did before. Except for one thing. “Lamb…”

  “Yes, Miya.”

  “I was loved, then abused then abandoned. Why was I loved in the first place? The abuse and rejection wouldn’t have hurt so bad if they had never loved me at all.”

  “You don’t know that, Miya.”

  “It hurt more to get rejected than anything during the abuse.”

  “But how much better than both is the healing at the far end?”

  “How?” I sob, shaking After a minute, I catch my breath. “My heart has hurt for so long I don’t know how to heal. How?”

  The lamb kisses my forehead, and in that pale silver light, I see the tears in his eyes as he looks at me again. “You forgive.”

  Forgiveness. That’s like trying to eat a mountain. It hurts so bad to think about trying to forgive. Like an avalanche crushing me. But he’s right—I need to forgive.

  “It is better to be loved,” the lamb says.

  In that moment I realize that I am loved. Right now. And I remember what he’s had to forgive. That infuses me with courage to eat the mountain. To forgive.

  I weep on his shoulder, drenching his soft wool. My breath returns slowly in small gasps.

  “Will you still meet me on my mountain?” he asks.

  “I will go anywhere, as long as I can be near you.”

  “Stay here until after midday tomorrow. Rain is almost upon us. It will drench the fires. Then a strong wind will coming. It will blow the smoke away.”

  “Will Galen be okay?”

  “Don’t be afraid. I will protect him. He will come for his armor soon.”

  “Will I see him before I leave?”

  The lamb looks sternly at me. “You must not linger here.”

  “Will I ever see him again?”

  “Few are ever shown the future with that much clarity. As for you, you must leave after the wind quiets tomorrow. Your work here has almost finished. You have done well.”

  A memory flashes of the fire giant who grabbed the two elves and I stood still, unable to move.

  The lamb kisses my forehead. Those dark memories fade. “You’ve done well.”

  He’s glowing brighter than before. Which is really nice because the silver light that poured through the stained glass is gone.

  Rain pounds against the roof. Just like the lamb said it would.

  I’ve always loved the sound of rain. I love it even more as I lie close to the lamb. I feel so safe with him near. And I love it even more, knowing it will drench the fires and bring a promise of another day for these elves. So many have perished, but so many have been rescued. Yes, some of them have rejected me, but many, so many, sleep peacefully on the floor at the other side of the cathedral.

  The lamb’s nearness comforts me. My body doesn’t hurt so bad anymore. Seeing as I’m lying on the floor, this is nothing short of a miracle.

  *

  When I wake, Samuel has stoked the fire at the other end of the cathedral, and whatever he has cooking over it smells wonderful.

  Then I look around me. The lamb is gone.

  The sunrise through the stained glass casts glorious hues upon the floor and the crowd at the far end.

  I stretch, stand and make my way to Samuel.

  “Did you see when the lamb left?” I ask him.

  He dishes out a plate of beans and chicken and hands it to me. “Eat up, child. I will need your help caring for the children. And more may come soon. The elves aren’t as afraid of this place because of the work you did.”

  “Did any of them see the lamb?”

  “They all did. He took time with each one.”

  How did he have time for that? I look around at the crowd. There are so many here, even more than I know I rescued. He spent so much time with me. And he’s already gone.

  “How do you feel this morning?” Samuel asks.

  “Stronger than I expected.”

  “Most of the children will probably say the same.”

  As the wind howls outside the cathedral, Samuel and I visit the children and bandage wounds as needed.

  My eyes pull toward the entrances, hoping that even now Galen will come.

  By the time we’re halfway through visiting the children and bandaging wounds, I’m exhausted. I don’t want to be, but I am. I just want time alone. I do my best to shove this emotion below the surface. The lamb didn’t get exhausted. Then again the lamb is so much different from me.

  At the far end of the cathedral, outside the door, there’s a cry. Samuel turns toward the sound as well. It’s not just my imagination.

  “I’ll go see what it is,” I say. I’ll be glad enough for some time alone, even if it’s to the far door.

  Just outside the door is the crying elf-child. I throw my hand over my mouth. It’s Galahad, Galen’s brother. The upper half of his body lies in the mud, the lower half is still inside the makeshift shelter.

  He stops crying. He glances at me then stares off not as if he’s in a lot of pain,
but as if he doesn’t want to look me in the eye. Is he angry because I left him? He did ask me to leave, but now I see that it may have been a mistake. I should have tried to carry him up the mountain.

  But if he’s here, then Galen must be nearby. “Hey,” I whisper. “It’s good to see you.” I shouldn’t ask about Galen too quickly. “How are you?”

  He turns to me. His stare pierces me and just about breaks my heart. “You rejected me.”

  “What?” He was the one to ask tell me to go. How can I have rejected him if I did what he asked? “I don’t understand. I’m sorry if I didn’t do the right thing, but I did what you asked.”

  “Well, you should have known better.”

  My heart feels as if a chunk is being ripped right out of it. “Maybe, but I didn’t know and I’m sorry.” His reaction makes me fear for Galen. “Is…” My insides shake as I think of the possibilities. “Is your brother okay?”

  “Sure, I guess. He just didn’t want to be here with you.”

  My limbs go numb and I collapse to a sitting position. “Why?”

  “Because you’ll never know the right thing to do.”

  “How can you say that? We only knew each other for about an hour, and I did what I could to help you. And I can help you now.”

  “We don’t want your help. We don’t need people like you around here.” He bares his teeth and looks totally different from the Galahad I met on the mountainside yesterday.

  “I can help bring you inside. There’s food.”

  His lips twitch at the mention of food.

  “And some of your friends are inside,” I continue.

  “We don’t have friends here. We all look after ourselves. That’s the elfin way. Something I can’t expect a suffocating loser like you to know.”

  I’m shaking and tears drench my face. “Why are you saying this? I don’t understand. I wanted to help you.”

  “None of us want you here. Don’t you get that?”

  My tears are replaced with anger. My fists ball tight at my side. I’m sure I’ll swing at him if I stay too much longer. “Fine! If that’s what you want, I’ll go!”

  I stomp back inside, wiping my tears along the way. I pull Samuel to somewhere quiet where we can talk. “It’s time for me to go.”

  “Almost. Why didn’t you bring that boy inside?”

  “I can’t.”

  “What is it that you can’t do?”

  “He told me to go away. So I’m going.”

  “And what’s the other reason?”

  I swallow the giant lump in my throat. I can’t cry in front of the children, I just can’t. “Because, like I told you, he doesn’t want me around. Why must I make him miserable?”

  “That’s not the reason. Why must you run away?”

  “The lamb told me I needed to go.”

  “Are you using that as your excuse to avoid the boy?”

  “Galahad kept telling me to go.”

  “And you listened? I can’t carry him in here, but you are strong enough. So go, bring him inside, please.”

  “Fine!” I stomp back to the door.

  How could Samuel not understand? And how on earth could I bring Galahad in here if he fights me?

  “What are you doing?” Galahad growls as I crouch at his side.

  “Samuel told me to bring you inside,” I say.

  “I don’t even know anyone named Samuel.”

  “That’s okay, you will.” I slip my arms under his neck and knees.

  He bats me away, smacking my face. “Don’t touch me! Why don’t you just go away?”

  “I will once you come with me.”

  “You’re going to have to drag me if you want me to go anywhere with you.”

  “Forget this!” I yell. “I’m doing everything I know to do right and still you tell me I’m wrong! Well, screw this! Wallow in the mud if you want, I’m leaving.” I storm off, rounding the corner of the building.

  The wind blasts my face.

  “Wait!” Galahad calls.

  “I’m not waiting!” I shout over my shoulder. “I’m so sick of this.”

  As I stomp away, mud splatters all over my boots, trousers and belt. I don’t care. I can’t stay here a moment longer.

  I round the corner into the full force of the wind. I have to fight through the wind every step I take. I don’t care if I have to fight through this, I’m going.

  My feet slide through the mud as I walk. Ahead of me, some of the trees are bent at almost a ninety-degree angle.

  That’s okay, I’ll just hole up somewhere until this wind calms.

  No wonder they call this the mountain of rejection.

  “Miya!” The wind carries my name from afar, but I know that voice.

  I look up, the wind batting my eyelashes.

  An elf stumbles toward me through the wind and rubble.

  Galen.

  He carries another elf-child in his arms.

  I hardly want to see him, but my heart beats faster anyway. With the wind blowing so strongly against me, my only option is to turn around or wait until he comes this way. I wait.

  I thought he didn’t want to be around me. Why would he call my name?

  And what does that matter anyway? The child in his arms is so badly wounded. And it looks like Galen’s arm is wounded as well.

  “Help me!” he calls out as he staggers closer.

  If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

  and the light become night around me,”

  even the darkness will not be dark to you…

  Psalm 139:11-12

  Chapter 26

  Reunion

  I press through the wind to his side. He hands the elf-girl into my arms. “Is that okay if you take her?”

  “Yes, of course.” How could I say no? “Are you okay?”

  He nods. “I need to get out of this wind.”

  “What happened to your arm?”

  “The wind pushed a wall over,” he says.

  “Follow me. Your brother is just outside the door to the building.”

  “Why didn’t you take him inside where he’d be safe?”

  His accusing stare rouses my defenses. “He kept fighting me.”

  “It’s…I…we always fight that up here.”

  “What do you mean? Are you talking about the desire to push away the people you most want near you?”

  “Yes. That…and worse. But let’s get out of this wind.”

  When Galahad sees Galen walking beside me and the elf-girl in my arms, he sits up from the mud, regret washing over his face. “You found her.”

  Galen turns to me. “I’ll wait out here with him while you bring her inside.”

  “Who is she?” I ask, looking at the tiny girl in my arms.

  “My sister,” Galen says.

  When he says that, I nearly burst out crying. I wanted to be searched for like that. As it was, my brothers didn’t seem to even care that I was in this other world fighting demons, dragons, even the wind. I hold the little girl a bit tighter. “I’ll see she’s cared for and come right back.”

  “Do you mean it?” Galahad asks.

  “Even if you tell me to leave,” I reply.

  As soon as Samuel sees the child in my arms, his face lights up. “Where did you find her?”

  “Galen found her.”

  He smiles, his eyes glistening. “And just in time too. You’ve done well. He’s closer to coming to see me again than he has been in years. Now go, get Galahad, and tell Galen it’s okay to come in.”

  This time, Galahad doesn’t fight me. Which is good. He’s so heavy in my arms.

  Before I step through the door, I turn to Galen. “Samuel says he wants to see you.”

  “I know. I’ll come soon.”

  “There’s food.”

  He nods, but leans against the outer wall. “Soon.”

  I stagger as I step through the door, and bang my upper arm into the lintel post.

  Galahad groans and squeezes
his eyes shut.

  “I’m so sorry.” I’m on the verge of tears again.

  “You should be,” Galahad says. “My leg is broken. Imagine if you broke it again.”

  “I’m trying not to.” I brace myself for Galen to scold me too, but he never does.

  As soon as I bring Galahad a full step inside, he gazes at the ceiling and walls covered in stained glass, and throws his arms around my shoulders.

  “It’s so big!” he says in a hushed whisper.

  “It’s pretty, isn’t it?”

  “Are you kidding me? It’s amazing! I’ve never seen a place more beautiful before. Galen told me, and I believed him, but then I got scared when we got close.” He buries his face in my shoulder and cries. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” It still hurts, but I want his friendship more than I want to be mad. And I think it’ll make the lamb happy if I forgive. That seems to be the sort of thing he’s into.

  “I shouldn’t have said those things to you back there. I was so scared and I thought you were going to leave me again. And then you did.”

  I don’t understand people. If he was afraid of me leaving, why did he always push me away? But now that I know, I’m not going anywhere. Not yet, at least.

  As soon as I set Galahad on the ground beside his sister, I tap Samuel’s shoulder.

  “Yes, Miya.”

  “Galen still hasn’t come in. I’m going to speak to him.”

  “You may. You don’t need my permission.”

  “I know, but what should I say to him?”

  Samuel looks inquisitively at me. “Your eyes are filled with a strange desire.”

  “Should I deny this desire?”

  “I say strange, I mean strange to me. I have never been in love. I asked the lamb about that many years ago, how to know when someone was in love. He said it’s unmistakable. He was right.”

  “But I can’t be in love. I can’t stay here in this world.”

  “I know you can’t stay here. But we can’t see all things.”

  “You said you knew Galen.”

  “He was once brave enough to come in here, years ago when his brother was small. He didn’t care what anyone said or who looked down on him. That was when Silas was still alive.”

  “Who was Silas?”