WalkingSin

by Lynn LaFleur

  * * * * *

  Kelcey looked out the kitchen window at the brothers. They all looked so serious. Dax must be telling them about what happened last night.

  Her stomach churned at the thought of people she cared about knowing her secret. She’d never told anyone about her uncles, not even Alaina and Emma. The three of them had been best friends ever since they answered her ad for housemates almost four years ago. She thought of them as the sisters she’d never had. They shared everything about each other.

  Everything except her uncles’ abuse and a mother who didn’t believe her own daughter.

  She didn’t want to tell them. Even though Kelcey knew what had happened to her was in no way her fault, it still shamed her.

  Emma stepped up beside her. “I stare at them whenever possible too.”

  “You must be talking about the Coleman triplets.” Drying her hands on a dishtowel, Alaina joined her friends at the window. She sighed. “What a nice view.”

  “I really like the view from behind,” Emma said with a grin.

  “Oh yeah.” Alaina returned her grin. “They all fill out a pair of jeans very well.”

  “Especially in the crotch.”

  Alaina giggled along with Emma. As usual, Kelcey didn’t make any comments about sex. She couldn’t comment on something when she had no experience.

  Emma turned and leaned against the cabinet. “Speaking of nice crotches, you haven’t told us how things went with Dax last night.”

  Heat crept into Kelcey’s cheeks. She’d almost discovered what Emma and Alaina considered so wonderful last night, until memories spoiled everything.

  As usual.

  “Fine.” She finished rinsing the spinach and laid it on paper towels to drain.

  “I need more details.”

  So much for Emma settling for a one-word answer. “I don’t have any. We talked about his photographs. I met Walker. I went to bed. End of details.”

  Emma’s eyes narrowed. “Why don’t I believe that? There’s something you aren’t telling us.”

  Let it go, Emma, please. I don’t want to fall apart in front of you and Alaina. “What else do you want in the salad?”

  “Did Dax come on to you?”

  Emma reminded her of a dog with a bone. This time, her friend’s gnawing went over the top. All the frustration and pain of too much loneliness and pain boiled to the surface. Kelcey threw down the green pepper she’d just picked up from the counter. “Everything doesn’t revolve around sex, Emma. Are you ever going to learn that?”

  Unable to hold back the tears any longer, Kelcey ran from the kitchen. She hurried down the hall and into her room, closing the door behind her. She would’ve thrown the lock if there’d been one on the lever, for she expected Alaina and Emma to follow her.

  Her friends didn’t surprise her. The door opened without either of them knocking. “What the hell did Dax do to you?” Emma demanded.

  “Nothing! I told you that.”

  “Then why are you so upset?”

  The anger in Emma’s eyes didn’t cover the concern that was also there. Seeing that concern brought back Kelcey’s tears. Crossing her arms over her stomach, she walked to the bed and sat on the side, her head lowered.

  She heard someone close the door, then felt the mattress dip on each side of her as her friends sat next to her.

  “Hey, you can talk to us, you know that.”

  Alaina’s soft voice made the tears fall faster. She wished she could push the past completely from her memories. Since that wasn’t possible, maybe it would help if she shared what had happened to her with her friends.

  Her head still lowered, Kelcey clasped her hands together in her lap. “I had a bad dream last night, one that’s recurred many times. Dax was so very sweet and tried to comfort me. We kissed and…” Kelcey stopped and swallowed to clear her throat of tears. “Everything went zinging and pinging inside me. My nipples got hard and my heart started pounding.” She took a deep breath and lifted her head. “I’ve never felt like that with a man. I’ve tried to have sex, but it never…worked out.”

  “Why not?” Emma asked.

  Kelcey looked at her friend. Anger no longer showed in Emma’s eyes, only concern and caring. “Be-because I was raped.”

  The gasps from her friends didn’t surprise Kelcey. She thought about covering her face with her hands, but decided she no longer wanted to hide from the past. Not with Alaina and Emma.

  “I was eight when—”

  “Eight?” Alaina said, the horror evident in her voice. “You were only eight when you were raped?”

  Kelcey nodded.

  “It was just once, right?”

  “No. It happened several times over the next two years.”

  “My God, who did that to you?”

  Here came the hard part, admitting the two men she’d loved so much had hurt her. “My mother’s two brothers.”

  “Your uncles raped you?” Emma demanded.

  “Yes,” Kelcey said in barely a whisper.

  Her friends were silent for several moments, as if they didn’t know what to say after such a horrible revelation. Alaina finally spoke again. “Did your mother know?”

  “I told her after it happened the third time. My uncles said they’d hurt me if I told anyone, but I didn’t know how I could hurt any more than I already did. My mother didn’t believe me. She said I shouldn’t make up such horrible stories. She punished me by taking away the dollhouse I loved so much.”

  “That bitch,” Emma muttered.

  “I didn’t know what that word meant at the time, but I definitely called her that when I got older.” She pushed her hair back from her face. Now that she’d started, the words flowed out of her. “I told you two I grew up in San Francisco. When I was ten, my mother sent me to New England to boarding school. She had a new man in her life and thought a daughter would be in the way.” Kelcey released a chuckle, but it held no humor. “She never knew how thankful I was that she wanted to be rid of me.”

  “Wait a minute,” Emma said. “She sent you away instead of confronting her brothers?”

  “She didn’t believe me, remember? Her brothers could do no wrong. There was no way they’d ever do something so heinous.”

  “So you stayed in boarding school…how long?” Alaina asked.

  “Until I was eighteen. I didn’t bother to go home for visits and that was fine with my mother. She was too busy with her charity affairs and personal affairs to worry about her daughter.”

  “What about holidays and summer vacation? Where did you go?”

  “I had a lot of wonderful friends. Someone always invited me to go with her for Thanksgiving or Christmas or spring break. I spent the summers with my friend Gail and her family. They had a beautiful place on Martha’s Vineyard.”

  “I’m so glad you had such good friends.”

  “They were the best. Until you two, of course.”

  Emma squeezed her hand. “Did you move to Texas after boarding school?”

  Kelcey nodded again. “I came into the inheritance from my father when I turned eighteen. I moved to Dallas after I graduated and started a new life. I started an internship at Tharwood Energy after my sophomore year in college. I started working there full-time after graduation.” She pushed her hair behind her ears. “I met some really nice men and tried dating, but…” Tears filled her eyes again. “The memories would always take over and I…couldn’t do anything.”

  Alaina draped one arm over Kelcey’s shoulders. “Is that what happened with Dax?”

  “Yes. One minute we were kissing, and the next I was screaming at him to get off me.”

  “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Kelc,” Emma said, “but have you thought about seeing a therapist?”

  “Don’t you think I did? I talked to two different therapists. I even saw a psychiatrist for a while. I know I should be able to get past what happened, but I just…can’t.”

  Emma rubbed her hand over Kelcey’s bac
k in small circles. “Okay, let’s think about this. You said you and Dax were kissing and then you screamed at him to get off you. I assume that means he was on top of you?”

  Kelcey wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Yes.”

  “Is that the way it was with all the men you tried to sleep with?”

  “Yes. Why do you ask?”

  Emma wiggled her mouth back and forth. “It sounds like the man on top of you is what triggers the memories. You’re no longer in control. What if you were on top and in control of sex?”

  Kelcey had never considered that. Since she knew absolutely nothing about sex—other than from books and movies—she’d always assumed the man would do most of the work. “Are you on top when you have sex?”

  “Sometimes I am, sometimes Griff is. Sometimes he’s behind me, or we’re standing, or I’m bent over a table. There are a lot of positions for sex, Kelc. You just have to find what works for you.”

  She looked at Alaina, who nodded. “Emma is right. When you find a man who truly cares about you, he’ll do everything he can to please you.”

  “I don’t know if I have the courage to look for that man.”

  “Maybe you don’t have to look for him,” Emma said. “What about Dax?”

  Heat flooded Kelcey’s cheeks at the thought of being alone with Dax again. “I could never have sex with Dax, not after the way I acted last night. I don’t want him to know about what happened to me.”

  “I’m pretty sure he already does.”

  Kelcey figured Emma was right. Dax didn’t know exactly what she went through, but he had to suspect she’d had a very bad sexual experience with a man. Or men. And as serious as the brothers had looked outside a few minutes ago, he must have told them about last night.

  “Rye and Griff know too, don’t they?” she asked Alaina.

  “Probably. The guys don’t keep secrets from each other.”

  She twisted her fingers together. The heat of embarrassment swept through her at the thought of her friends now knowing what she’d gone through. “I didn’t want them to know. I didn’t want anyone to know. God, I’m so ashamed.”

  Emma squeezed the back of Kelcey’s neck. “You have no reason to be ashamed. Those bastards took advantage of a little girl. You did nothing wrong. Don’t ever forget that.”

  “Emma’s right. Nothing that happened was your fault.” Alaina hugged her again. “Feel better?”

  It surprised Kelcey to realize she did feel better. “Yes.” She looked back and forth between her friends. “You gals are the best.”

  “Of course we are,” Emma said with a grin.

  The teasing made Kelcey laugh. She didn’t know what she would do without Alaina and Emma in her life. She wiped the last of the tears from her cheeks. “Let’s get that pizza in the oven. I’m hungry.”

  Chapter Five

  Once outside the fast food place, he lit a cigarette and blew out a stream of gray smoke. Taking his time, he enjoyed his cigarette as he strolled to his car in the parking lot. It felt good to stretch his legs. He’d been behind the wheel for hours and still had hours to drive before he reached his destination.

  Dallas, Texas. That’s where Kelcey lived and worked. He’d made this long trip to find her.

  He wouldn’t rest until he did.

  * * * * *

  Kelcey pressed the last label to the tab of a green folder and smiled. All done. She’d spent the morning sorting papers and creating file folders in Alaina’s office. She’d used green folders for income and red for expenses. She had yellow, blue, white and purple folders on hand to create other categories after she found out exactly what Alaina needed.

  She looked around the small office. Alaina had piled books and catalogs of supplies haphazardly on the bookshelves, intending to sort them later. Thanks to Kelcey’s work, they now stood up nice and neat, arranged alphabetically by category. The desk held a brand new iMac, ready to be uploaded with bookkeeping software Alaina had ordered and expected to receive today or tomorrow.

  Kelcey smiled. She’d accomplished a lot on her first official day of working for Alaina.

  Alaina rushed into the office, almost skidding to a stop next to Kelcey. Her eyes were wide, her breathing labored. “Where’s the invitation list to the grand opening?”

  “Here.” Kelcey took a purple folder from a cubbyhole above the desk and handed it to Alaina. She silently waited while her friend scanned the list.

  Alaina’s shoulders slumped in obvious relief. “Bella is on here. I thought I’d forgotten her.”

  Kelcey remembered Alaina telling her about the former owner of Stevens House and how she figured so prominently in the histories of both Alaina’s family and the Colemans. “Aren’t you having the grand opening for everyone?”

  “Yes. I’m placing a full-page ad in the Lanville Journal, but I want to send out invitations to special people too.”

  “Invitations should go out three weeks before the event, Alaina.”

  “I know! I need to order them, but I can’t order them until I come up with a name for this place. Arrrggghhh!” She flopped down in the padded chair by the desk. “Why is it so hard for me to think of a name?”

  “You’re trying too hard. You need to relax and clear your mind.”

  Alaina released a snort of laughter. “Relax. Right. I have to shove six weeks of work into four weeks and two days.”

  “Everything is on schedule. Rye promised the house will be finished by the thirteenth. The furniture will be delivered the next week. We’ll have almost two weeks to put up the Christmas decorations before your grand opening.”

  Alaina’s eyes widened again. “Christmas decorations! Ohmigod, they should’ve been here by now! We have to call that company.”

  Kelcey would’ve laughed if her friend hadn’t been so frazzled. “Calm down. They’ll be delivered next week.” She reached over and squeezed Alaina’s hand. “Everything will be fine. I promise.”

  Alaina blew out a huge breath, then took Kelcey’s hand between hers. “I love how organized you are. I’m so glad you’re here. I couldn’t get through this without you and Emma.”

  Kelcey thumbed the diamond ring on her friend’s left ring finger. “Your hunky guy can help you get through anything.”

  A soft smile touched Alaina’s lips. Holding up her hand, she looked at her ring and sighed. “He is a hunk, isn’t he?”

  “And absolutely crazy about you.”

  “The feeling is mutual.” Her smile lit up her entire face. “Oh Kelc, I never dreamed I could love a man as much as I love Rye. Yes, I had a crush on him when I was young, but it blossomed into so much more. He’s just so perfect.”

  Jealousy churned in Kelcey’s stomach. She ignored it. Just because she would never know the joy of a diamond ring on her finger didn’t mean she couldn’t be thrilled for her friend. “I’m really happy for you, Alaina.”

  “I’m happy for me too.” Her smile abruptly faded. “How are you doing today?”

  Pulling back from Alaina, Kelcey reached for a stack of file folders to give her hands something to do. “I’m fine.”

  “Are you? After what you told Emma and me—”

  “It happened a lot time ago, Alaina. I just want to forget it.”

  Sympathy filled her friend’s eyes. “But that’s the problem, isn’t it? You can’t forget it.”

  Kelcey would not cry. She refused to. She had tons of things to be thankful for in her life. What happened in the past stayed in the past. “No, I can’t forget it, but I can stop letting it run my life. I have a brand new job and will soon have a brand new place to live. I want to concentrate on the positives.”

  Alaina smiled. “Good for you! That’s what I want to hear.” She glanced at the clock on the wall above the desk. “Bob Lowe should be here any minute. We’re doing a final walk-through outside to talk about autumn flowers. I think bluebonnet seeds are supposed to be spread in November.”

  “Why not wait until spring and buy bluebonnet plants?
”

  “I will, but I want to spread seeds too. I want wildflowers all over the place, all the way to the creek.”

  Kelcey didn’t remember Alaina mentioning any kind of water on her property. “Creek?”

  “Yeah. It divides my property from the Pearsons’ to the north. It isn’t very big, but I think wildflowers along the bank will be pretty. Very romantic for a picnic.” A calculating look suddenly appeared in Alaina’s eyes. “Bob is single. I’ll introduce you to him when he gets here.”

  Kelcey expected matchmaking from Emma. She didn’t expect it from Alaina. “Are you trying to set me up?”

  Alaina gave a shrug that Kelcey assumed was supposed to be innocent. “You need to start meeting people in Lanville. A single man is a good place to start. Bob’s probably in his mid-thirties. He isn’t drop-dead gorgeous, but he’s good-looking and very nice.”

  “It doesn’t matter what he looks like, Alaina. I’m not interested.”

  Alaina scooted her chair closer to Kelcey’s. “You can’t just give up, Kelc. You’re a warm, caring person. You have so much love inside you that you could give a guy.”

  A lump formed in Kelcey’s throat at her friend’s sweet words. “There’s a physical side to that love, Lainy. A guy would expect sex from me. I can’t give it.”

  “With the right guy—”

  “I can’t. I’ve tried so many times and it always failed. I simply can’t try again.”

  Alaina took Kelcey’s hand in hers and squeezed it. “I hate for you to give up. Sex with the right man is beyond incredible. I can’t even describe how wonderful it is between Rye and me. It’s so much more than just two naked bodies touching. It’s almost…spiritual.” She rolled her eyes. “I guess that sounds stupid, huh?”

  “No,” Kelcey said softly. “It doesn’t sound stupid at all.” And it made her hate her uncles even more for what they stole from her.

  “Alaina!” Rye called from somewhere in the house.

  “I recognize that bellow.” She squeezed Kelcey’s hand one more time. “Dating doesn’t automatically mean sex. You can still enjoy a man’s company without anything physical happening.”