He bent down to her ear, his scruff tickling her, and whispered, “Trust me, darlin’.”
She nodded, even though she was not at all sure she did. “I do.” More than I can trust any other man.
But Lucas was unlike any man she had ever known. Look at how he had helped her deal with the fears and triggers, not to mention that she had wanted no one else to be there for her after the session with the therapist. She trusted him.
Cassie crossed the room and opened her drawer, gathering her nightgown, panties, and toiletries. She hated sleeping in panties, but tonight she would wear them as an added layer of protection.
Why was she thinking such things? Lucas would never force her to do anything. He was gentle, kind, and a man of his word. Integrity. He possessed that trait in spades.
“I will be back soon.” She walked down the hallway to the bathroom as if in a scene from Dead Man Walking.
After taking as much time as she possibly could without having Lucas send out one of his search parties, she brushed her teeth one more time. When she entered the bedroom, the light was off. She knew where everything was in the room—except Lucas.
“My turn.”
She jumped at the sound of his voice, closer than she’d expected, since she thought he’d be waiting on the bed. Despite the fact that Lucas spoke English and Diego’s haunting threat had been in Spanish, her heart beat wildly.
“Es mi turno.”
The sense of dread increased as she took a deep, calming breath. Not wanting him to see her distress, she nodded, keeping her face averted.
“You okay, darlin’?” His hand lightly touched her upper arm, but she pulled away, nodding frantically. Tears splashed from her eyes. Thank the Goddess it was dark in here.
No, I am not. I will never be okay again.
The darkness, the triggering words, and Lucas’s nearness converged on her already battered nerves, increasing her sense of dread about sharing a bed with Lucas.
She reminded herself she was with Lucas, not those men.
Stay in the moment.
Taking a deep, calming breath, she handed him a towel from the dresser. “I hope the hot water holds out for you.”
She felt his gaze on her, but after a moment, he thanked her and left the room. With shaking hands, she dropped her dirty clothes into the corner before diving under the blankets. Turning onto her side, as far away from where Lucas would be as possible, she waited and attempted to ground herself with her breathing.
Do not allow yourself to be dragged back to that place and time.
The blood rushing through her ears drowned out all other thoughts and sounds. Is this what a virginal bride felt like on her wedding night? She was neither virginal nor a bride. And they were not going to have sex.
She closed her eyes, but images from the Lima bar assailed her immediately, and she opened them again. Staring into the darkness was no better because her mind flashed the horrific images before her. Why now?
Hands grabbed at her. Smelly breath. Clothes ripped from her body. Run!
She gasped for breath and prepared to flee when the bedroom door opened and closed quickly, engulfing her in darkness again. Pretend to be asleep. Maybe she could prevent having further conversation when her emotions were already raw.
The blanket slipped off her shoulder as Lucas crawled under it, but then he repositioned it. He caressed her arm, his hand warm from the shower. “I know you’re hot-blooded, baby girl, but it’s awfully cold in here. Is there a stash of blankets somewhere?”
She shook her head before realizing he probably could not see her. So much for feigning sleep. “No. I took the extra blankets with me to America. Most were lost in the fire.”
“Mind if I scoot a little closer then so we can share body heat?”
“I…”
…cannot do this.
Her throat closed off, forcing her to clear it in order to respond. “I do not think that would be wise.”
“You know you can trust me. We both have on plenty of clothes. Besides, we’ve slept a lot closer than this before, with a lot fewer clothes.”
“That was different. You had a concussion and did not know where you were.”
Lucas laughed. “Well, then, don’t you think I’d be much more in control of myself now?”
But what about my control?
She wanted his arms around her. She wanted him to hold her closer. Cherish and protect her. Comfort her. The way he had after she’d shared her story with him. The care he gave her after her therapy session.
“Sure you’re okay? I imagine it’s hard for you being back here, close to where those men who hurt you are.”
Lucas understood. “I cannot stop the images from bombarding me every time I close my eyes.”
“I’m so sorry, darlin’. What can I do to help?”
The sudden yearning to have him pull her against his body overwhelmed her need for self-preservation. No, she should find a quiet place to meditate to kneel at Mamá’s altar and find peace with Mama Quilla, but she did not want to have to answer more of her parents’ questions.
She needed to put some distance between them in this bed. “There might be an additional blanket in the bottom drawer of the dresser.” She hoped so, at least.
He chuckled, and the mattress moved as he rose to check. Being alone the next few days would not be possible. She would have to sleep with Lucas in this bed and be with him every waking moment until they returned to America.
Please, Goddess, hold me in your loving arms tonight and wrap me in a protective barrier.
She closed her eyes, trying to immerse herself in the white light and escape.
Soap.
Lucas.
She opened her eyes.
Lucas had showered away the stale scent of cigar smoke. He moved around on the bed, covering himself with the extra blanket he had found. Thank you, Goddess. She nearly rolled over onto her back with his bouncing around on the mattress and springs as he sought to find a comfortable position. She grabbed onto the side of the mattress and resisted making contact.
Finally he settled down. Once more, she closed her eyes and asked that the white light surround and protect her.
“Darlin’,” he whispered.
She opened her eyes again. “What?” She kept her own voice hushed, as well.
“Sorry to bother you, Sweet Pea, but aren’t we supposed to be discussing something important?”
She had hoped he would have forgotten. Lucas always followed through. Some might call that dependable. Consistent. Right now, tenacious seemed a better word.
“Can we talk about it tomorrow?”
“I suppose, but there’s something you need to know before you decide what you want to do about Saturday.”
“What is that?”
“If I marry you in this ceremony, we would need to renegotiate our original agreement.”
“How so?”
“I would be standing before a man of God and speaking vows to love, honor, and cherish you.”
“Did we not already agree to those things in our first ceremony?”
“We did. But I’ll admit that I wasn’t sure how strongly you were committed to our vows until I found them tucked into the pocket of the jeans you wore when you escaped from the fire.” He reached up to brush a strand of hair from over her eye. She should have braided her hair before coming to bed but she’d been sidetracked. “I’ve wondered since finding them doing laundry if you had consciously decided to take them with you when you evacuated or if you just happened to have them in your pocket for some reason.”
She thought a moment about what her response might reveal, but had to tell the truth. He had never disrespected her by lying, as far as she knew. She had to trust that becoming vulnerable to him in this way would not come back to hurt her.
“I had very little in my cabin of sentimental value. When I was rushing around to see what else I should take, I just happened to see them and…” Tell him the truth, Casandra.
Abuela’s voice spoke the admonishing words in her head, surprising her. Perhaps being in her bed had sparked a memory.
Her eyes had adjusted well enough to the dark to see he was leaning on his elbow, head in his hand, and staring directly at her. She glanced away. “No, actually, it was my conscious decision to go to the drawer where I had kept them and to bring them with me.” She had not thought to grab Abuela’s blanket or shoulder cloth, but she had rescued this piece of paper. She had just left Lucas a phoned plea for help, perhaps making her think of him and the vows. She shrugged. “While I do not understand why, it was important for me to save them.”
He grinned, showing his white teeth. “I can’t tell you how happy that makes me to hear that.” His finger tapped her on the nose. “I think maybe I’m growing on you, darlin’.”
She swatted his hand away but giggled at his teasing. “Your ego is the only thing that is growing.” Had she just laughed in bed with Lucas? How did he disarm her defenses so easily?
He chuckled and lay on his back staring up at the ceiling, adjusting the covers over his lower body. “Maybe not the only thing, Sweet Pea.” She flushed when his meaning became clear. “Don’t worry. You’ll always be safe with me. But that’s one of the areas we need to renegotiate.”
“We do?” Was he saying he wanted her to agree to have sex with him? “Things have changed since we took our vows the first time. Perhaps your parents are thinking tonight, too, about how things have changed for them over a much longer period of time. It’s a good thing to assess a relationship every now and then. See what’s working, what’s not, and then come up with a plan to fix what needs fixing.”
“The first thing I’d like to discuss is you living with me.”
“I am living with you.”
“I mean permanently. The rest of our lives together.”
“I really have nowhere else to go. But I have only thought about leaving once.”
Lucas rolled onto his side again, so close she felt the heat coming off his body in waves. “When was that?”
She heard the surprise and hurt in his voice. “The morning your parents came to visit. You yelled at me about unimportant things and were not yourself. I thought perhaps you had grown tired of having me in your house.”
“Man, I’m sorry, Sweet Pea. You didn’t do anything. It was just me stressing out over Dad coming. We’ve never really been close.”
“You feel he judges you, but I think he just wanted what was best for you. His problems lie more with his own father.”
“You’re probably right, but I didn’t know that until this visit. Next time I act like an ass, call me on it. You know how it is to want to please your parents, even as an adult.”
She nodded. “That is partly why we married in the first place.”
“Maybe for you. I married because I wanted to be there to love and protect you. Having you in my house has made me realize I don’t ever want you to move away.”
“I like being there. It is not like being in the mountains, but my alpacas love it and it is a beautiful place.”
“How about you?”
“I like being there, too. I would not mind staying there.” As if she had any other options. But, truthfully, she wanted to stay. “Is that all you had in mind?”
“In part. I also want to introduce more intimacy into our relationship, step by step.”
Her heart pounded at his words. Cassie rolled onto her back to put some distance between them. She tamped down thoughts of having him rutting inside her like… “I cannot perform for you in…that way.” Her words came out in a breathless whisper.
“I said I want more intimacy.”
“That means having sex, does it not?”
His finger traced her jaw until it came to rest on her lips. Her stomach knotted and then dropped. “Maybe eventually, if that’s what you want.”
“I will never want that!”
“Honey, I know you were brutalized by those men. My dream is for you to wake up someday, however long it takes, trusting me enough to know I’m not like them.”
“I know logically you could never do that. But my body and my heart have lived in fear so long…”
“Look how far we’ve come since the first time we met.” She really had gone from fearing all men to lowering her guard with Lucas and even Adam. “Cassie, I’ll move heaven and earth to keep you safe from anything like that ever happening again.”
“But you already agreed to love and protect me the first time we married.”
He grinned. “True. You’ve been under Denton Protection Services since the night I followed you home from daVinci’s bar.”
She could not help but point out the obvious. “And who ended up needing protection that night?” He shrugged but her smile soon faded. “So you just want us to touch more?” The only sound for a few seconds was the pounding of her heart as she waited for his response.
“Yeah. Not just in bed, though. I want to lay on the couch with your head in my lap and read together. To take walks on the ranch, holding hands. To give you a massage to help relieve stress after a hard day.” He paused. “But I want us to share a bed every night, too.”
Again her anxiety level increased. “I cannot have sex with you like a normal wife can. I do not understand why you would even want to? I am damaged goods.”
Lucas cupped her chin and turned her face toward him. “I don’t ever want to hear you call yourself damaged in any way again. You’re perfect.” The anger in his voice made her to want to flee. “Darlin’, if marriage was only for people without any hurts or wounds from the past, well, there sure wouldn’t be many weddings. You’ve been hurt badly, but wounds can heal over time if we work at it. I’m asking you to allow me to be an intimate partner in your life. To let me help you heal by allowing me to touch you and love you in more special ways than I can as just a friend.”
“Lucas, what if I can never be sexual with you?”
His finger gently grazed her lips making them tingle. “Cassie, darlin’, I’ve been falling in love with you ever since I woke up in your bed after the avalanche. There’s no one else I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to grow old with you by my side. I want you as my lifemate, if you need another name for it than wife.”
“I do not want a mate. And I definitely do not want to mate.”
Luke shook his head. “I know sex is your biggest worry, Sweet Pea. Here’s something for you to sleep on. Have I ever forced anything on you or tried to coerce you into something on your hard limits list, even when we were in bed together?”
“No. But our current agreement did not include any possibility of such a thing. We have not even told our friends we are married.”
“No, only your family knows.”
“But you expect to tell all of our friends about being married this time?”
“I won’t hide the fact we’re married if it’s in the eyes of God.”
“Everyone will expect us to be sleeping together. But Kitty, for one, would never believe I agreed to such a thing.”
“We’re going to sleep together tonight, and there’s no way we’re having sex. So, what happens in our house will be our business and no one else’s.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I’m asking for increased intimacy. To be able to hold you, touch you. To lie next to you and talk over our day like we’re doing now.”
To be lying next to him talking about such things astounded her. Could she do this? She supposed he took her silence for a need to plead his case further.
“All I’m asking for is a commitment from you to let me become closer than we have been, both physically and emotionally. That you’ll let me be a part of your life.” His finger traced her lips, sending tingles throughout her body. “I’m not going to force you to have sex—ever. But I think I can help you heal, Cassie, by showing you how a real man treats his woman.”
His woman.
The words created a longing inside her. Could she ever become someone’s cherished woma
n? She shoved her romantic notions back in her hope chest of forgotten dreams.
“I’m confident that eventually you’ll come to trust that I’ll never harm you. That you’ll allow me to unleash the passion you keep under tight wraps. Maybe you’ll even dance with me someday.”
Her heart beat so loudly the blood whooshed in her ears.
“Make no mistake, though. Our love and our marriage will be defined by our terms, no one else’s.”
Surprisingly, she did not say “no” outright. How could she even think about entering into what could very well lead to a physical-love marriage with him?
“What if we try and it does not work out?”
“We may never reach the place where we make love to each other, but I already love you, Sweet Pea. Our original vows were until death parts us. We have the rest of our lives to explore and deepen this relationship.”
A lifetime love, just no longer a platonic one perhaps.
“But sex or no sex, we’re already married. I’m just taking this opportunity of renewing our vows to strengthen our commitment and take things to the next level.”
He took a long strand of her hair and slowly slid his finger along her hairline until he tucked it behind her ear. Her skin tingled as if he had blazed a trail of flames. She held her breath. Was he going to kiss her? The fluttering in her stomach did not seem to be from fear, but more like…anticipation?
Was she going to let him kiss her?
No. She breathed deeply and tamped down the feelings. “What if you get too…frustrated waiting for me to be ready?”
He chuckled. “I haven’t had intercourse in eight years. Not since Maggie. There are ways of finding physical release short of intercourse. However, if after curling up against my body one night you decide you want more, all I ask is that you’re honest and tell me.”
The thought of asking him to have sex made her stomach queasy.
“If asking for sex is too hard, then we can work out a signal so I’ll know you’re ready.”
“A signal?”
“Hanging a scarf on the bedroom doorknob, for instance. Leaving a note on my pillow. Whatever. Sweetheart, bottom line, the road to deeper intimacy is honesty and communication. Don’t hide yourself from me out of fear over what happened in the past.”
Nobody's Dream (Rescue Me Saga #6) Page 51