“What if I never have…romantic feelings for you, Lucas? How is that fair to you to give up any hope of finding the right woman to spend your life with because you are saddled with me?”
He leaned closer. “I’ve already found her.” He placed a kiss on her cheek. She was not sure if that was where he intended it to land, or just where he ended up in the dark. “Whether you agree to remain my wife or not, you’ve staked a claim to my heart already. I’m not looking elsewhere.”
“How can you be so sure there would never be someone more special for you, someone who might even enjoy having sex?”
He sighed. “I want you to stop thinking about having sex and think more about being intimate. Animals have the ability to rut and have sex. If the intimacy between you and me heats up to that level, we’ll be making love.”
“Semantics.”
“No. God’s honest truth, I can be a lot more creative than a rutting animal.” She wasn’t sure if he referred to animals in general or the ones who had raped her. “If there are triggers, well, there are lots of positions and techniques we can try that won’t bring up memories of what happened before. We’ll explore new ones until we find the ways I can turn you on that will have you begging for more.”
She huffed. “That will never happen.”
He chuckled. “We can start by initiating touches without any expectation of going further.” He sighed. “Cassie, there are so many things we can do that don’t involve burying my cock inside you.”
Her face grew warm at his bluntness, and for the longest time, no words would come. She still did not understand why he wanted to change their marriage agreement. “You have offered me companionship, protection, intimacy, a place to live, and love. I still do not see what is in it for you if I cannot love you back.”
He tapped his index finger on the top of her nose. “Oh, you love me, darlin’.”
What did he mean?
“You love the way I tease you. You love the way I hold you after a bad memory or nightmare. You love how I show you life doesn’t have to be so damned serious and full of pain all the time.”
An unexpected grin broke out on her face. “All right, I will admit I do love all those things about you, Lucas.” She sobered. “But true marriage leads to something more…sexual.”
“Darlin’, for someone who declares no interest in it, you sure have sex on the brain a lot.”
“Stop doing that.”
“Doing what?”
“Making me blush.”
He laughed. “How can I tell if I’ve made you blush? Your beautiful brown skin hides it well, even when we aren’t in a dark bedroom like this.”
“I know I am blushing, and that is bad enough.”
“Maybe if you stop bringing up sex all the time, you wouldn’t be blushing.”
The heat rose in her cheeks yet again. “You have me blushing like a virgin.”
“Darlin’, your innocence was stripped away from you by three evil men. Deep down, you are a virgin. And we’re going to explore your passion and sensuality as long as it takes for you to be ready to take that giant leap and consent to making love the first time.”
Consent.
Control.
Communication.
“I need to sleep on this. Maybe I can sort things out in the morning.”
“Take all the time you need, darlin’. We don’t have to agree to ‘renewing’ our vows this weekend here in Peru. But what I’m proposing stands, whether you accept it now or ten years down the road. I want you in my life, Cassie López, and for us to have a binding commitment that goes beyond being friends and companions.”
There would be no turning back if she agreed to take this next step. Her heart longed for the relationship he described. No man had ever made her feel anything before Lucas, even if sometimes the feelings confused her. Would she let her fears keep her alone the rest of her life?
“Good night, Lucas.”
“Night, Sweet Pea.”
For some strange reason, she had to fight back the urge to lean toward him and kiss him good night. Baring their souls in this way had given her a glimpse of what nights in bed with Lucas might be like. Not scary at all. Instead she turned her back toward him.
When he stretched out beside her, he lay as close as possible without making contact with her skin. Once again, heat emanated from his body. For someone usually cold, he was not at all cold tonight. His voice reached out to her in the dark. “Why don’t we try an experiment tonight?”
“What kind of experiment?” she whispered.
“To prove to you that I can sleep with you, touch you, without jumping your bones, why don’t we spoon together?”
The thought of having Lucas’s hard body pressed so intimately against hers all night long sent a chill down her spine.
Or was it a chill? Judging by the heat in her body, she was no longer sure her mind’s interpretations of her body’s responses were accurate. Lucas Denton did strange things to her psyche—and her body.
“I do not think that would be wise.”
“Who said we have to bring wisdom into this? Let’s focus on our hearts for a change, not our heads. If you’re going to marry me—again—we are going to share a bed. We may not make love in it—not right away at least—but I want to be close to you tonight. I want to wrap my arm around your waist and pull you into the shelter of my body.”
His words definitely ignited a smoldering fire inside her. She tossed her single blanket aside, leaving on only the sheet and her nightgown.
Why did the thought of being snuggled against Lucas tonight fill a void in her heart rather than make her want to run screaming from the room? She had never yearned to be held by a man in this way.
Why are you doing this to me, Lucas?
She sighed. A longing to have him hold her close, to cherish and protect her, became an overwhelming need. Her life had been blown apart this summer. She wanted this man’s comfort.
Maybe this test also would help her decide how to respond to his proposal in the morning. “I suppose we can try.”
Lucas did not hesitate for a moment, but inched closer until his body hugged her backside from shoulders to thighs. His heavy arm draped around her waist. She feared he would cup her breast, but instead he placed his palm against her waist and pulled her even tighter against his hard body.
“How’re you doing, baby girl?”
“I…” Her voice sounded husky to her ears. She felt in no way like a baby girl. How could she sleep with him all over her like this? While definitely outside her comfort zone, she did not feel the need to run. “Okay, I guess. Good night, Lucas.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
The sound of dishes being stacked woke Cassie. She blinked several times until she could read the bedside clock. Almost five-thirty.
Rolling onto her back, her shoulder bumped against something hard, and she remembered Lucas had shared a bed with her last night. Slow heat crept up her neck and into her cheeks. He must have turned in his sleep because he was no longer pressed against her, thank the Goddess, but heat still emanated from his body.
She had fallen asleep in Lucas’s arms. How on earth had she managed to sleep with a man lying so close to her? Far from having it bother her, she had slept more soundly than she had in months.
Quietly, so as not to disturb his sleep, she removed the sheet and blankets and rose slowly from the mattress. She needed to speak with Mamá about the turmoil in her heart. No doubt, she was the one up at this early hour.
Cassie padded on bare feet into the kitchen wishing she had worn socks to keep the cold of the tile floor from seeping into her skin. Usually the cold didn’t bother her, but this morning it did for some reason. Was she missing the warmth of Lucas’s body? Surely not. Going back to the bedroom to grab her slippers might awaken him, though. She needed this time alone with Mamá before having to give him her answer.
There could be only one response to his proposal. She did not welcome the look of hu
rt she would see on his face, but she could not ask him to give up everything for a woman who might never be able to love him the way he deserved to be loved.
Now how to find a way to let him down gently.
“Good morning, Casandra. You seem lost in thought this morning.”
After greeting and hugging Mamá, she poured a mug of coffee and sat across from her mother at the table. “How did you know Papá was the one?”
Mamá lifted her mug to take a sip of her hot tea—Cassie and Papá were the coffee drinkers—before answering. “I had admired him from afar during my teen years. Being so much younger and of a different social class, I had more trouble making him notice me. We were from two different worlds.”
Cassie had heard the story of how Mamá had healed Papá’s mother. Sadly, she died long before Cassie was born so she never knew her. But Cassie had inherited the woman’s bed, and while not as close as she was to her other abuela, she felt a connection to her, too.
“After spending so much time at his home, eventually Papá noticed me. Why do you ask this question? Are you having doubts about you and Lucas?”
“Oh, I do not know…” …if I am capable of loving any man. “It is not Lucas. I think he loves me—no, I know he does—but I am uncertain if I love him as much as he should be loved. How long did it take Papá to fall in love with you?”
Mamá smiled enigmatically. “Do we ever know someone is truly in love with us?”
“How can you say that? Papá’s eyes almost twinkle when he looks at you. I have seen the two of you seek out each other’s hand to hold whenever you are near.”
Mamá shrugged. “Love has many levels. I know when I exchange vows with him Saturday that I will do so with greater sincerity and love than I did as a young girl. I truly do love him more today than I did the first time we shared our vows.”
Cassie wished she could wait and see if love could grow to such intensity between her and Lucas, but she did not wish to be deceitful and speak vows she could not believe fully.
“What is troubling you, pequeña? Does it have anything to do with why you have stayed away from home so long? Does it have anything to do with your break-up with Pedro? Is he bringing a wedge into your marriage?”
Cassie blinked away the tears. Mamá always understood, up to a point.
“In some ways, but not what you think. I have no feelings of love for Pedro. I would rather not speak of the details, Mamá, but he betrayed me, hurt me badly.” Hatred was an unhealthy emotion, but in her heart, she truly hated the man. “With Lucas, it is just…” She could not tell her mother she had not yet consummated her marriage.
“Why did you marry Lucas in the first place if you are unsure that you love him?”
“It is complicated.”
“Why don’t you spend some time at the altar this morning before Lucas or Papá awaken? Seek the peace you need with Goddess in order for you to find the answers you need to move forward in your life.”
She and Mamá had shared the altar at the back of the house many times as she learned to blend her Catholic and Quechua backgrounds into her own unique spirituality, with one foot planted in each tradition and her heart mixing in other spiritual traditions to find her place in the Universe.
Cassie nodded, although the thought of bringing her shame and guilt before the Goddess churned her stomach. Would Mama Quilla understand and love her no matter what? Would Mamá?
Mamá kissed her on the cheek. “Be at peace with yourself, mi hija. All else will fall into place once you achieve that state of being.”
Tears pricked the backs of her eyes, and she blinked rapidly. “Mamá, I do not know how to find peace within myself any longer.”
“You will not be able to accept the love of anyone else before you can love yourself. What is holding you back?”
“I have been unable to forgive myself for something that happened to me long ago. It has built up inside me to the point that, at times, I have hated myself so much I wanted to…” No, she would not tell Mamá about her suicidal thoughts either. Those lasted only those first few months after the rape.
Mamá wrapped her arms around her, and Cassie felt hot tears flow down her cheeks. “Hija, you are a child of light and love, and nothing you have done or that has been done to you will ever change that. You need to go into meditation ready to forgive yourself and others for past deeds and then send love out into the ether to replace the negative energy with good.”
Cassie held on to Mamá for a long while, until the tears ebbed, and then nodded. She pulled away, drawing a deep breath. “I will do that, Mamá.” She did not want anything to enter her relationship with Lucas and ruin their ability to find love with each other. This man shined a light into the dark corners of her life. She wanted to keep him if only she knew how to give him what he needed, too.
Mamá smiled. “By holding that resentment inside, you are closing yourself off to Lucas and anyone else who wants to love you. Release it into the hands of the God and the Goddess.”
“I’ll try, Mamá.”
“Go. Find your center and speak with Goddess.”
Cassie kissed Mamá’s cheek and headed for the quiet room in the back of the house. In this sacred space, Mamá had taught her to meditate and listen to the small, still voice inside her. As was the tradition in Mamá’s house, she placed a veil over her head before she entered the room. Mamá had adopted the Catholic religion as she, too, had to straddle two spiritual worlds after marrying Papá.
But Mamá also blended those traditions into what worked for her. With her gift of healing and shaman status in the village, she could not turn her back on the Goddess, either.
Cassie knelt on the velvet-cushioned kneeler before the altar. Mamá’s meditation focus was a statue of Mary, Our Lady of the Miracle, in her crown and elaborate gold and silver flared robes. Her arms were outstretched as if inviting one into her embrace.
Perhaps no one religion could contain her beliefs. Surprisingly, Lucas did not seem to care what she believed and seemed open to discussing spirituality with her.
Cassie closed her eyes and breathed slowly and deeply. Inhale. Exhale. She allowed the white light to surround and protect her on her meditative journey.
As if the Goddess herself had instructed her, she slowed down her mind and let go of the negative thoughts.
“Mama Quilla, help me to forgive myself for…” She could not find the words to express the shame she felt.
“That power lies within you, dear one. You need only ask forgiveness for it to be granted. Your heart is pure. Are you ready to let go of this hurt?”
“Yes!” Goddess’s words were so clear, it was as if she was speaking aloud. Cassie had not really heard Her voice since the rape. “I never should have accepted their evilness into my body and heart, but now I only wish to rid myself of the hate and resentment toward them and toward myself.”
“Imagine that darkness flowing away from you, into the ether.”
Much like the dark swirling winds in the painting of the leaf she had started many weeks ago, she pictured the evil that the three men had spewed forth onto her body and soul blowing away from her. Her spirit became lighter, and once again, she felt like the leaf, only this time she floated on a gentle breeze against a backdrop of blue skies with white puffy clouds. The sun shone on her, warm and bright. No longer brown and muddy, the leaf was a brilliant scarlet, amber, and green mosaic representing her multi-faceted life.
Cassie no longer saw herself as one leaf struggling alone against the wind, destined only to fall to the ground and be trampled on by passersby. Instead she felt as if she could float forever.
Suddenly another leaf came into her vision, larger than hers, but just as beautiful and brilliant, followed by others of all sizes, shapes, and colors. Without a doubt, she knew these other leaves floating on the breeze around her represented Lucas, Kitty, Mamá, Papá, even baby Aurora and her siblings.
My family.
Cassie sighed. She had s
ought solitude for so long she had almost missed letting love back into her life. But the avalanche, the fire, Kitty’s needing her had all brought love and light back into her life. Lucas most of all had been a precious gift she might have tossed aside if not for his patience and persistence.
She knew what she needed to do.
“Thank you, Goddess, for showing me the way.”
Rising from the kneeler, she stretched out the kinks in her knees a few times. How long had she been in here? Slowly she made her way back to the kitchen.
Mamá looked up from a sheet of paper, probably her list of things to do for the fiesta, and smiled. “I can see on your face you are more at peace already.”
Cassie smiled. “I am.” She wrinkled her brow. “Please do not ask me to explain, but Lucas and I intend to treat this renewal of vows on Saturday as if they are our first marriage vows. I know the marriage will not be considered legal in Peru, but with our civil ceremony in Colorado, I hope that Padre Rojas will grant our wish to exchange our vows in the church here.”
“We will speak with him later today. He will be less worried about making the Peruvian government happy than in seeing you fulfill the sacrament and being properly married in the church and before the eyes of God.”
Cassie had never dreamed of a church wedding, but it appeared as though she would have one. Somehow, exchanging vows with Lucas in the church she had grown up in made marriage seem so much more real to her than the ceremony in the judge’s office.
She felt more like a blushing bride than ever, even though the thought of sharing a bed with Lucas no longer frightened her. Something had definitely happened last night, though. She had feared she would never sleep for a moment all night, yet secure in Lucas’s arms, she had slept until the sound of Mamá in the kitchen awakened her.
What kind of spell had he cast over her? Was it fair of her to accept his proposal on the grounds she wanted to feel safe like that every night? Certainly not fair to Lucas, who clearly had stronger feelings for her than she could return. Would he eventually demand more than the right to merely lie down beside her at night?
Nobody's Dream (Rescue Me Saga #6) Page 52