Book Woman

by Ivan B

  She pulled a box out of the freezer.

  “Well I haven’t eaten, so who's for supper?”

  Two hours later, at just past midnight, Mary turned off the TV, removed her bluetooth earphones and sighed. The bed was sheer luxury, but owing to her long sleep in the car she still felt wide awake. She reached for the book on being a Godparent she had obtained, much to Serena's surprise, along with a book on prayer from the book-shop and started to read. She was just thinking about what she had read in chapter three when the door slowly opened and Josie peeped in. With the door open gentle snores could be heard emanating from the lounge. Josie looked apprehensively at Mary.

  “I can't sleep, the beds too hard and there's funny noises.“

  Mary put her book down.

  “What sort of funny noises?”

  Josie just stood in the doorway looking pathetic and holding on tightly to her red teddy bear. She shuffled from foot to foot rather like her father.

  “There’s no room to sleep with daddy, I‘ve looked,”

  Mary said gently.

  “Would you like to sleep in here?”

  Josie nodded, Mary patted the other side of the bed.

  “Well just tonight.”

  Josie was round the bed and into the other side like a shot. She picked up a battered brown teddy bear.

  “Is this yours? What's his name?”

  “Bertrum Bear.”

  Josie placed her bear next to Bertrum and snuggled down, within five minutes her breathing was regular end even. Mary turned off the light, slipped between the sheets, and commenced a long and dreamless sleep.

  Mary woke up at 10am and found Josie reading a magazine next to her. Josie gave her a fresh-eyed smile.

  “Dads still asleep.”

  Without thinking Mary threw back her bed cloths and swung round to sit on the edge of the bed. Josie crawled across the bed to sit beside her, she stopped dead when she saw Mary‘s legs. She said slowly, and in wonder.

  “Ooh! Gruesome!”

  Mary couldn't help laughing, though she was normally very self-conscious about her scars. Josie said softly.

  “Was that your bad accident?”

  Mary nodded.

  “I was in hospital for a very long time.”

  Josie turned her attention to Mary's left wrist, she said, with obvious concern.

  “Does it hurt?”

  Mary moved her arm so that she could see it better.

  “No, it sort of itches sometimes, but it doesn't hurt. You can touch if you want to.“

  Josie slowly reached out and touched Mary's wrist and then ran her fingers over the stump.

  “Starfish grow their legs back, why don’t we?”

  Mary smoothed down her baggy tee-shirt.

  “Our legs are harder to grow as they do more things.”

  Josie opened her mouth, but Mary pointed to the door.

  “Time to wash.”

  Josie nodded and then said gently.

  “Would you like to use my bathroom?”

  Mary responded with feeling.

  “I think I'd like that very much.”

  Josie beamed with delight.

  Following breakfast in the all-singing all-dancing kitchen Mary put her empty tea-cup down.

  “What’s on the agenda today?”

  Josie looked bewildered so Mary added.

  “I’m mean, what are you doing?”

  Josie’s face lit up.

  “Tower of London and Tower Bridge and St Paul’s.”

  Robert smiled tolerantly.

  “We may not manage all three Josie, we’ll have to see how the time goes.”

  Mary relaxed, she had no decisions to make here.

  “Well if you don’t mind I’ll give that lot a miss, I’d rather slop about here. If you like I’ll have food ready for seven, you should be back by then.”

  Embarrassment crossed Robert’s face.

  “I didn’t invite you to be chief cook and bottle-washer.”

  She tapped the table with her hook.

  “I don’t mind being chief cook, but I’m definitely not doing the washing up.”

  Before Robert replied she turned to Josie.

  “Have you any dirty washing? Your father didn’t give me much warning I was coming so I had to pack some dirty clothes, you must have some if you stayed for three days with your grandparents.”

  Josie nodded.

  “It’s in my suitcase, daddy wouldn’t unpack it.”

  Robert opened his mouth, but Mary stood up.

  “I don’t mind, honest. Besides I’ve always wanted to see what difference it makes using a washing machine that’s probably worth as much as my car.”

  Ten minutes later she shooed them out the front door, Robert turned as he left.

  “In case you go out, the combination for the flat door is 24-24-42#.”

  Mary closed the door and sighed, she was glad they had gone somewhere she didn’t want to go and in any case she wanted some space to think. The simple act of Robert asking her to be a Godparent had caused her to think about her own faith. She wandered into Josie’s room, found the suitcase and extracted a pile of dirty underwear and three dirty tee-shirts. Lying at the bottom of the suitcase was a tatty exercise book and Mary idle flicked through it. Josie had obviously amused herself with her grandparents by doing drawing; all of a sudden she reached the middle pages and in junior scrawl across the top it announced ‘friends’. There were two drawing, one of a small girl holding an unrecognizable animal, with the name ‘Aruna’ underneath and a bigger drawing of a thin woman with the name ‘Mary’ underneath. At the bottom of the page she had written a brief description: ‘Aruna is my best friend, she comes from India and is always singing, she has a pet rabbit called Kushal. Mary is very nice and has soft brown hair and her face is nice when she smiles, but she is very sad inside.’ Mary burst into tears, not only had Josie drawn her with two hands, she had also summed her up correctly; she was indeed sad inside. Sad that she had never become the journalist that she had wanted to be, sad that she was watching her mother struggle to come to terms with old age, sad that she hated her sisters and sad that she had no-one whom she could label as her best-friend.

  Chapter 10

  Humble pie

  They both arrived back looking equally worn out at half past six. Robert flopped onto the settee and in answer to Mary’s unspoken question said.

  “Tower of London, Tower Bridge, St Paul’s, The Monument and Cheapside.”

  Josie held up a tee-shirt that had a picture of the Tower of London on it. Mary smiled.

  “Looks a bit big.”

  Josie gave a tired grin.

  “I’m not going to wear it, I’m going to sleep in it.”

  Mary fingered the tee-shirt, it was soft and fresh.

  “But you already have a nice night-dress.”

  Josie sniffed.

  “But you sleep in a tee-shirt.”

  Robert sighed.

  “Only while your on holiday Josie, next week it’s back to normal.”

  Josie’s head nodded, but her eyes told a different story.

  Two hours, and an exquisite cottage pie, later Mary and Robert were sitting in the lounge, neither watching the TV, but neither wanting to engage in small talk. He was lying across the arms of a luxurious armchair and she was seated on the settee using the moveable leg rest. Robert stretched.

  “What did you do today, reckon you chose the soft option?”

  She shrugged.

  “Slopped about, watched an old movie - have you seen the collection of DVDs behind that false fireplace? And thought about whether or not I should be Josie’s Godmother.”

  Robert looked away from the TV towards her.

  “And?”

  She shrugged again.

  “And it’s a big responsibility if you do it properly. You’re suppose to be a moral guide, someone who will talk to them about their spiritual life and help them as they both grow up and grow in faith. Plus, if
I’m to believe the book I have just read, be someone who is willing to pray for them and generally form a loving relationship with them.”

  Robert raised an eyebrow.

  “So what’s the problem?”

  Mary glanced at the honey-glazed meringue that a TV chef was removing from a spotless oven.

  “Well I’m not sure about my own faith, so how can I help Josie in hers? Plus I’m not sure how good I’d be at forming a relationship of trust with her.”

  Robert eyed her and a look of exasperation raced across his face.

  “I’ve just had seven hours of ‘I wish Mary could see this’ and ‘isn’t it a shame that Mary’s not with us’ and ‘please daddy can I have a tee-shirt to sleep in like Mary does.’ I reckon that whether you realise it or not you are having an influence on my daughter.”

  Mary nodded.

  “Influence is one thing, spiritual guide is another.”

  Robert didn’t answer, so Mary decided to pry a little.

  “So who would be the other Godparents?”

  The look on his face said it all, she exclaimed.

  “You haven’t even thought about it!” and threw a cushion at him. “I’ve been gazing at my navel wondering if I’m good enough and you haven’t even thought about the other two Godparents!”

  He caught the cushion with his left hand and replied irritably.

  “I’ve had a lot on my mind. It’s not easy being a single parent and running a business and having my mother in hospital. I can’t think of everything at once and I’m not little miss perfectly organised.”

  He threw the cushion back with added venom. She ducked and it struck the curtains. She did a double take.

  “Little miss perfectly organised! Is that how you think of me?”

  He became slightly more irritated.

  “Well you are perfectly organised. Your car is so clean I could eat off of the floor mats; you’ve set out the kitchen like a military exercise; your life is so ordered that I bet you know what you are going to have for breakfast every day next week.”

  She threw another cushion at him and replied with venom.

  “You stupid stupid man, that’s how I cope, OK? I don’t like surprises, I don’t like things I can’t handle and I don’t like being labelled. So I organise my life and there’s nothing wrong in that! And I didn’t come here to be mad fun of.”

  The cushion flew over his head, Robert opened his mouth to reply and then closed it. He mentally counted to ten. He said softly.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make fun of you, that’s not what I meant. It was meant as a sort of compliment, you know, I wish I could be as organised as you.”

  She gave him a sarcastic smile.

  “Do you sell double glazing as well? Nice try, but it won’t wash.”

  He took a deep breath, he looked absolutely shattered and obviously was in no mood for any word-games.

  “Look I didn’t invite you here to make fun of you, or argue with you. I don’t need the hassle. I invited you because I really believe that you are a good influence on Josie. Is that good enough for you?”

  She simmered down and then felt guilty, after all she was getting an all expenses paid holiday in the centre of London. She decided to eat humble pie.

  “Sorry Robert. You’ve been very generous, I’m just a bit touchy sometimes.” She paused. “And I am glad that I am here, but if I’m getting in the way of you and Josie, you only have to say.”

  He rubbed his hands over his eyes.

  “Getting in the way?”

  “I mean coming between you and Josie. I’m not trying to do that.”

  He gave a tired grin.

  “I’m not worried about that at all. She needs a female influence that says that it is all right to sleep in a tee-shirt at times.”

  He paused not wanting to cause another argument, but also not wanting to leave things unsaid.

  “But I am a might tired of being told that everything must be brown.”

  Mary raised an eyebrow.

  “Last week we went to by some shoes, they had to be brown. We went to a chemist’s and she pointed out the brown hair-dye. Today she wanted a brown tee-shirt, fortunately they only had white or green.”

  Mary still did not comprehend. He rolled his eyes.

  “Must I spell it out? You wear brown, she wants to wear brown.”

  Mary’s mouth fell open.

  “But brown’s a terrible colour for her complexion.”

  Robert sighed.

  “Well would you mind telling her that; gently.”

  Mary went to reply, but Robert held up his hand.

  “And before you say anything I have, but I am only a man, what do I know?”

  The desperate tone of his voice and the resignation in his eyes made Mary giggle. He threw up his hands in mock despair.

  “Now who’s making fun of whom?”

  Mary’s giggle turned into a laugh and eventually he joined in, laughing with her not at her.

  Just past midnight, and following an enjoyable movie, Mary checked on Josie and then went to bed. Before she settled down to sleep she sat on the edge of her bed. She said softly.

  “Look God I’m not good at this, but I’ve got to start somewhere. For starters I need help; if I’m going to seriously consider being Josie’s Godparent then I need help. I can’t expect to help Josie if I’m all at sea myself. So please help me to sort myself out. Secondly I need help with this prayer lark. The book says that it’s just like talking to a friend, but help me to understand your replies, even if I don’t like them. And I don’t want this to sound like a shopping list, but how about some help on the physical front? I’m worried about my knee and I don’t know what to do for the best.”

  She paused and then said the Lord ’s Prayer. When she had finished she swung her legs onto the bed, hesitated and swung them off again.

  “And please help me to stop being so touchy about things that really don’t matter in the wider scale of things.” She hesitated again, feeling very self conscious. “And Josie, please keep her, and my mum, safe.”

  She sat up and suddenly realised that she still hadn’t finished.

  “And my sisters.”

  She swung her legs onto the bed and sighed, just where was all this leading?

  Mary woke up at 6am and felt something warm in the small of her back. She carefully turned over to find Josie fast asleep beside her. Josie looked utterly peaceful and without a care in the world, Mary wished that she could be a child again, to experience the innocence of childhood and the exuberance of youth. Mary drifted off to sleep wondering how Josie would grow up.

  When Mary woke up for real later Josie was nowhere to be seen and Mary wondered if she’d had one of her vivid dreams. However, as she pulled back the clothes Josie’s red teddy bear rolled onto the floor; Mary smiled and placed it next to her teddy bear. Mary was still sitting on the bed when Josie burst in.

  “Dad says that breakfast is ready.”

  Mary grinned to herself at the energy of childhood.

  “Don’t you ever knock?”

  Josie’s eyes widened.

  “Sorry, but breakfast is ready and it’s getting cold.”

  She ran round the bed.

  “Would you like your dressing gown?”

  Mary considered her options and wearing a dressing gown was not one of them.

  “You run on and I’ll catch you up.”

  Josie shot out like a scalded cat and Mary pulled on a pair of slacks and put on her slippers before leaving for the kitchen. Breakfast turned out to be the full works; bacon, egg, sausage, mushrooms plus tea and toast. Robert smiled apologetically.

  “On holiday we tend to have a large breakfast and then dinner in the evening, makes it easier.”

  She mopped up the remaining egg-yoke with a piece of bread.

  “Sounds like a great idea. So what’s on the menu today apart from a fried breakfast.”

  Robert looked at Josie, who replied.
<
br />   “London zoo, but not till this afternoon and I can watch a film this morning.”

  Josie looked at Mary for a response. Mary sipped her tea.

  “Well I’m off to meet an old friend this morning, then I was coming back here.”

  Josie eyes took on a sad look.

  “Not coming to the zoo, they’ve got elephants.”

  Mary surveyed her disappointed face.

  “I’d love to come, but the truth is I can only walk for an hour or so before I have to stop. I might managed a bit more with my stick, but zoos are large places and I don’t walk very fast so you’re not going to see all the animals if I’m with you. If wouldn’t be fair for me to come and then you not see everything because of me.”

  Josie considered the problem.

  “You could use a wheel chair, there were lots of people in wheelchairs last time we came. Daddy could push you.”

  Mary mentally shuddered, wheelchairs were way off her agenda.

  “Wouldn’t be fair on your dad having to push me around.”

  Josie looked at her with sad eyes.

  “So you won’t see the elephants?”

  Mary tried to be serious.

  “I’m afraid not.”

  Robert stroked his chin.

  “Could we go for a compromise? You be with us for an hour and then find a place to sit, or walk a bit and ride a bit.”

  Josie’s face lit up.

  “Would you, the elephants are ever so big and you should see their toenails.”

  Mary’s mind internally squirmed, she remembered when she had had to be pushed about in a wheelchair and she had absolutely and unequivocally hated it. She had felt that everyone was staring at her and no-one ever talked to her, only whoever was pushing her. She had felt like a total non-entity. The concept of actively choosing to use a wheelchair nauseated her, it spoke too much of an admittance of her physical limitations and of adopting a negative attitude. She shook her head.

  “No.”

  Josie nodded and walked off towards her bedroom. Robert looked at her.

  “She was looking forward…”

  She snapped.

  “Look I can’t manage it OK! I’m not superwoman.”

  She stood up and walked out of the kitchen, pausing at the door.