Milky Way Marmalade

by Mike DiCerto

  The general called back. “No private sightseeing, ladies! March on! March on! You have yet to see the magnificent triple wheel of fortune, used by Queen Kinkskin to choose the proper pose for the pleasure of her special guests."

  "Just a moment!” Yin shouted. He turned back to Poe 33. “That means you've encountered the fountain's water before?"

  "No, Yin, it means I have encountered this exact water sample. The water whose fingerprint remains in this very spot."

  "Any idea where this grating leads?” Yin asked, referring to the ornate brass grate sitting in the wall just above the water stain.

  "My question exactly,” Poe 33 agreed. “I have no complete memory links regarding it. I suggest we ask the general."

  "Ladies! Are you going to follow my lead or do I have to kick a few Serpentine bahankas?"

  "Sir, forgive our dawdling, but we were just admiring this lovely brass grate. Neither Hendrix nor myself has ever seen such impressive work."

  "It's a lousy shaft cover. You ladies are easily impressed. Let me show you something worthy of oohs and ahhs."

  Actually, as metalwork goes, it wasn't exactly noteworthy.

  "First, General, may I ask what sort of shaft is deemed worthy enough for such an exquisite lattice?"

  "Garbage. All of Regal 9's garbage is gathered in the compactor in the sub-basement. We call it the ‘tummy of the dragon,'” the general explained with a smile. “Now, follow me. Follow me!"

  General Stanglift marched off, never bothering to look behind.

  "Poe,” whispered Yin, “can you scan the trash compactor?"

  "Not from here,” Poe concluded.

  "That's what I was afraid you were going to say.” Yin lifted his paw and pushed the lever on the grating, opening the hatch. “Follow me.” He jumped in.

  Oh, my, Poe 33 thought, I wouldn't have thought of that.

  He followed the impetuous Bopple.

  The android landed with a splash amidst floating garbage, trash, dreck, filth, sewage, swill, slop, rubble, rubbish and refuse of all shapes and levels of repugnance. Yin let out a yip and slipped out from beneath Poe's weight.

  "Sorry,” apologized the Portsmith.

  Yin scrambled from the water atop a floating board.

  "If I may say, Yin, you look like a sewer rat I came across on my New York wanderings."

  Yin fixed the android with an aloof gaze. “Appreciate that, Poe."

  The compactor was dark, illuminated just slightly by a smattering of sunlight that managed to make it through the shaft from above.

  "I seem to recall this very situation,” confided Poe 33, looking around at the spherical room.

  "Were you in here the day of your coronation?” Yin wondered.

  "No. But I seem to recall this or a place like it. Perhaps from my popular culture records. In any event, it may have been a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away,” Poe 33 murmured with a curious look, as if unable to pinpoint the memory.

  "Do a scan of every inch of this place. Your chip may have been tossed in the trash,” instructed Yin.

  * * * *

  General Stanglift had marched to the center of the stained glass gallery before he realized he was alone. He paused a moment and listened to the silence in the raised courtyard. A breeze blew across his face from the open top where snickering willow branches peeked down. He never saw Angie pass overhead.

  "Ladies? Where are you two Serpentine sloths?"

  There was no response other than the soft wind and the daylight passing through the two dozen brilliantly colored windows.

  * * * *

  "What are you waiting for, Poe? Scan the room!” an agitated Yin barked.

  "I am unable to focus my scanning beam. There is an inordinate magnetic field that is suppressing it,” the android explained, his eyes squinting with each attempt to project his beam.

  A metallic creak and moan filled the room, and a distinct ripple raced across the surface of the water.

  "I have a bad feeling about this,” presaged Yin.

  "I sense a change in the dimension of this compactor,” announced Poe.

  "That would be why it was called a ‘compactor’ and not, let's say, ‘fishcakes.’”

  "This was not one of your better ideas, Yin,” Poe 33 said worriedly, folding his arms.

  "Can't you communicate with the system? Turn this bloody thing off?"

  "No, he can't!” General Stanglift said from above, embellishing his words with an evil laugh.

  * * * *

  The fleshy, spiked protrusion was mere inches from Caffrey's face. Queen Kinkskin drooled, her hot breath falling on him in unpleasant pants. The dozen snakes on her crown flicked their little forked tongues like a classroom of spoiled children.

  "This isn't very romantic,” Caffrey observed.

  "What can be more romantic than giving one's blood to the love of one's life?” she rasped.

  "Love? Ah! Now I see from where the misunderstanding sprang! Like. Its ‘like,’ Queen Kinkskin. Not love. In fact, it really isn't like at all. It's closer to utter disdain and disgust, if you must know."

  The walls rippled like an upset stomach, and Caffrey realized the texture he had mistaken for red tile was, in fact, red, fleshy scales. The queen's body morphed and stretched and her feet entered the ground and became part of its being. From the ceiling, a strange, grotesque limb descended. It was like a weird hand with six gnarled fingers capped with horrid claws.

  "Welcome to my womb!"

  "Not for nothing, but this has to be the most disgusting thing I have ever seen."

  "How quaint."

  The hand lowered and punctured Caffrey's shoulder with one of the spikes. Caffrey, to his embarrassment, screamed.

  * * * *

  Angie heard Caffrey's scream. Floating mere meters from the secret love nest, she bee-lined it to the structure and searched desperately for a way in.

  "I'm coming, my love!"

  A shadowy figure rushed from the brush and stopped before the entrance. Finally, in a pool of light, Angie could identify the rather attractive figure of a female human.

  "Who are you?” Angie asked.

  The figure was tall and lean and dressed in indigo leather bands that wound their way—quite appropriately—like a snake from her statuesque neck down across her rather ample and alluring bosoms, made more ample and alluring by the wondrous effects of their tight fit. The bands then made a nifty detour just below her navel. Additional deep-blue leather strips pretended to be pants and resulted in a barber-pole effect of blue material and milky-soft skin on her long legs. She drew her weapon and aimed—completely unaware of, or perhaps unconcerned by, the sexual energy she was oozing—and blasted the entranceway with a thick beam of powerful, violet light. The color of the blast matched perfectly the eye color of the weapon's wielder.

  Angie followed the purple-eyed woman into the room.

  The queen's spiked organ had sliced its way through a few layers of the fake reptile skin on Caffrey's body and penetrated real flesh when the entranceway was blasted open. Both the queen and Caffrey shot their attention to the intruder.

  "How dare you!” the queen spat.

  "Step aside, bitch!” the purple-eyed woman ordered.

  "I am Queen Kinkskin!"

  "Then, step aside, royal bitch!"

  "Unfasten me!” Caffrey cried.

  Four quick and very accurate micro blasts fragmented the bonds that held his arms and legs. Acting on instinct, Caffrey grabbed hold of the large hand-like horror and pushed it toward the queen's head. The purple-eyed woman blasted a single shot into the hand, causing the fingers to spasm, contracting into a fist and engulfing the head of the queen. A muffled scream sounded as the hand retracted to the ceiling, its fingers like hypodermic needles quickly draining the fluids from the queen, her body imploding like a punctured balloon.

  "That's one way to deflate an ego,” Caffrey said, jumping off the platform.

  The walls of the room shivered and wa
rped.

  "What is this?” the purple-eyed woman gazed around curiously.

  "Although I have never seen one in person until now, we are presently in an anteuteral serpendia."

  "Can you translate that into one of the galactic standards?” the purple-eye woman requested.

  "We are in the womb of Queen Kinkskin, a womb that exists separate from her primary body. Usually placed in a nest of grasses and bushes."

  "Disgusting,” Angie spat.

  The purple-eyed woman agreed with a frown. “How attractive."

  The womb shook again, but this time it flickered as if its very fabric were dissipating.

  "This world is going to be extracted into the dimension of Nefarious Wretch,” the purple-eyed woman informed them.

  "Are you okay, love?” Angie slipped up to Caffrey and spoke into his ear.

  "Where are Yin and Poe? Did they find the chip?"

  "I haven't a clue. I was more concerned with your safety!"

  "Find them! Quick!” Caffrey ordered.

  "Yes, mien Fuhrer!” Angie left rapidly, in a sarcastic huff.

  Caffrey locked a hard stare at the two purple beacons studying his reptilian form then slowly grinned. “So. I was wondering when I would gaze upon those purple eyes again."

  "Good to see you, too. Although I hope your new look is temporary,” she commented.

  "I thought one snake would appreciate another."

  "What? No ‘thank you?’”

  He grabbed her by the throat and slammed her, face first, into the moist and squishy womb wall. “Now, Ms. Grape Eyes, where are my band-mates?"

  "I like it rough, Caffrey. But now is not the time nor place, although the location offers some uniquely kinky possibilities."

  "Where are they?"

  "I'm not sure."

  "You've lost them? Like a set of keys or your virginity?"

  "I didn't lose them. I beamed them aboard a certain craft, where they were to be stored. Safely. I went to retrieve them and discovered they had been shipped out."

  "Where?"

  "To a toy auction,” she whispered, a little embarrassed.

  "A what?"

  "A toy auction. The holographic chip that contains them was mistaken for an expansion pack for a Yiplakin Holographic Army in a Box, a popular plaything that's currently all the rage throughout the Plethorian Sector."

  Caffrey let her go and took a few steps back. He'd vowed to no longer take part in any acts of violence unless absolutely necessary. He despised violence. The sight of Queen Kinkskin, hanging limp and empty made him sick. He still had qualms about the fate of the Crebbledogs Plooky and Xilpat. Nonetheless, waves of violent images like purple eyeballs being used in a billiards game filled his mind. He took a deep breath, spun the woman around and looked deep into those same eyes.

  "Is it safe to assume that some toy collector has purchased my friends and has placed them in some dusty collector's case where they are safe and secure?"

  "Possibly. More likely the child of some rich and powerful businessman received them as a birthday gift. Wherefore they would now be submerged in virtual battles with virtual monsters of unimaginable horror."

  "Virtual?” Caffrey need that verified.

  "Yes. But such fright could conceivably cause irreversible psychological damage. Or cardiovascular failure."

  "You're not helping your cause,” Caffrey growled.

  "My cause is your cause,” she said with great sincerity.

  "Since when?"

  "Since O.D.O.R stole my home planet,” she sighed, eyes downcast.

  "Ah! The cause has a rebel?"

  "My world is gone."

  "And your purple eyes will never gaze upon those familiar grassy fields, lush forests and rolling hills again."

  "I lived on a ice ball. Planet Quyube was one big glacier. Summer means helium is in gas form. But, yes, I will miss it."

  "Who are you?"

  "My name is Violet. Violet Leer."

  "Oh, it is not,” Caffrey challenged with a doubting pout.

  "It is. Was my mother's name, as well. My grandparents didn't have much in the way of imagination."

  "Apparently."

  Violet raised hers eyes to his. “I want to help you."

  "Don't need your help,” retorted Caffrey, heading for the exit and, for the second time in his life, slipping from the womb.

  * * * *

  The compacting sphere had shrunk to half its original size and Yin and Poe were positioning themselves at its center. Poe 33 called up to the general, “Sir! If you would, it's getting a bit cramped."

  "The queen is very fussy about private tours by newbie tourists to Regal 9. I may very well have to crush you to a pulpy death,” General Stanglift deduced in calm, arrogant tones.

  Angie flew invisibly from the chute.

  "Yin. Poe. It's me."

  "Angie!” Yin replied, keeping his voice down. “Where's Caffrey?"

  "He's with some purple-eyed bitch.” The acid in her tone was unmistakable.

  Yin and Poe exchanged knowing glances.

  "The queen is dead. We have to leave. Now. This godforsaken planet is about to be stolen."

  "We're in a bit of a bind, Angie, my girl,” Yin pointed out what was not necessarily the obvious to a being with very little crushable mass.

  Angie was impressed. “My, you are. What can I do?"

  "Can you convince Oafy to turn this off?"

  "I doubt it. I better get back out there—oh, my, that's odd!"

  "What's the matter?"

  "I can't move. There's an odd magnetic field creeping around me like a syrup-soaked fur coat.” Angie said, straining to break free as she spoke.

  "That same field has rendered my scanning ability defunct,” bemoaned Poe.

  The walls continued to move in on the trio with a barely perceptible but unavoidably menacing groaning sound almost felt rather than heard.

  "Well, guys, don't just stand there! Try and brace these walls with something!” Angie cried.

  "Yes,” Poe said pensively, “I am positive I have witnessed this situation before."

  "If I could somehow climb these walls and get out that chute,” Yin pondered, studying the ceiling. A horrid buzz erupted.

  "That is not good,” Poe 33 announced in a small voice.

  "No, it isn't,” Angie agreed.

  "Now what?” Yin's asked confused.

  "Magnetism. It just increased twenty-fold. I am officially paralyzed,” Poe 33 said in a statement of surrender.

  "Me, too,” Angie said, her voice warping.

  "How is that, android? Do you feel your innards ready to implode?” teased the general.

  "Piss off, Stanglift! We're partying. To heck with your magnetic field. Hendrix is in utter ecstasy! He loves every Gaussian increment! Increase way! Exponentially, Strangelust!!

  "I would rather he didn't.” Poe's voice was on the wane like a winter moon.

  "Trust me, Poe.” Yin winked. “You're shielded from magnetic damage?"

  "Yes. But it is rather uncomfortable."

  "You walk around with ten artificial legs and tell me about discomfort. Deal with it a few more moments. I have a plan."

  "Are you suffering down there?” It seemed Stanglift had experienced a resurgence of confidence.

  "Suffering? Are you kidding? I eat magnetism for lunch. I shit iron filings,” Yin scoffed, “in magnificently sculpted shapes!"

  Stanglift needed more convincing. “How about you, android?"

  Poe 33 could barely work his mouth but agreed to help Yin with his plot. “Maybe if it was increased tenfold more?” the android mumbled with a definite frown.

  "Tenfold? Ha! Try fifty, metal woman!"

  Yin cringed as the increased magnetic power launched him up some ten meters to where he smacked the sphere's steel surface.

  "It worked!” exulted Yin as he hung, stuck by the studs of his collar.

  "Please hurry, Yin. I feel like I am balancing a small neutron star a
top my head,” Poe 33 moaned.

  "Yesssssss. Pleaeeessss ... hhhhhurrrrrr...” Angie's spoken worlds were warped and sounded like a very scratched 1920s disc played at half speed.

  "Hang in there, Poe, Angie,” Yin comforted as he struggled to crawl along the surface towards the chute. In his mind's eye he figured he should be wearing a Ninja headband.

  * * * *

  The sound of Caffrey's footsteps bounced around the stone walls of the castle's eastern portico. Following nothing but the map of his instincts, he stopped where the path split off in a Y. He faced the two equally wide halls running off at forty-five degree angles and pondered a moment. A brush of static tickled the back of his neck. He turned.

  "Ringo. It's me, Angie,” the voice said.

  It had the same pitch and tone of Angie, but there was something lacking. The sensual lilt, perhaps, or the innocent, yet sincere love. Caffrey was too rushed and hurried to notice.

  "Angie-girl. Yes. Where are Yin and Poe?"

  "I'm not sure, Ringo,” the Angie-ish voice answered.

  "What do you mean? Where's General Stanglift?"

  "He is giving Hendrix and Ozzie a tour of the castle."

  "Queen Kinkskin's dead. We have to get out of here. This world is going to be extracted!"

  "That's nonsense!” the voice protested.

  "There's no time to debate this..."

  * * * *

  Yin was using every ounce of energy and strength in his little body to drag himself. Each step he fought both the incredibly powerful magnetic field that locked his collar studs to the surface and gravity that was pulling on his rear end.

  "You're awfully quiet down there!” the general mocked, “Are you ready to admit defeat?"

  Poe and Angie mumbled inaudibly. Yin didn't even make the attempt. He was inches from the opening and couldn't risk using his last ounce of power on spoken words.

  "Sounds to me as though death has arrived on the welcome mat of my serpentine guests. A pity. Never got to see the queen's precious stone bidet collection."

  Yin's front paws slipped into the opening and with a final tug, he freed his collar from the magnetic surface. Hanging on with all sets of claws and the suction ability of his faux serpentine body parts, he crawled up the chute.

  * * * *

  Caffrey cocked an ear and proceeded down a red-and-yellow marble hall that brought him to a magnificent staircase.