Milky Way Marmalade

by Mike DiCerto

  "This is the horrid and evil genius Nefarious Wretch?” Caffrey asked rhetorically. “Pathetic sop."

  Poe 33 addressed the door again. “Please. Open the door or I will be forced to take it from its hinges."

  "Hah! There are no hinges! It is a hingeless door. Locked inside and out! Now, go! I have important work to do!"

  Caffrey nodded to Poe, who took a stance. “Move back, Quark Caffrey. Peebo! Make arrangements for the biological."

  In seconds, Poe's right arm pulsed with a blood-red aura.

  "I hate loud noises,” Angie whispered.

  Peebo formed himself into a protective shield over Caffrey and Angie. A giant fist of energy blasted from Poe 33, handing a wicked uppercut to the door. Sparkling and dripping with crimson plasma, the door shattered, shook and fell in a snowstorm of metallic shards. When the smoke cleared, helped by the sucking wind from the odd plastic tube hanging from the ceiling, Nefarious Wretch was gone.

  Angie shouted above the engine's beat. “He went up the tube!"

  "Angie! You and Peebo get back to Yin and Violet! Poe and I will take care of Nefarious!"

  "Yes, my Captain Courageous!"

  Angie and Peebo zipped off back whence they had come. Poe 33 stepped into the base of the tube and was instantly sucked up like a sip of milkshake. Caffrey, eyes popping, was sipped next.

  They raced through a network of tubes at exhilarating speeds. If not for the fact he was pursuing a being who illustrated the most clear-cut example of antisocial behavior Caffrey had ever personally run across, he would have enjoyed the ride. Twisting and turning on a cushion of air and zipping through rings of various-colored light leaking through at the tube's connecting points, he noted many branches breaking off from the path he rode. The sound of valves opening and closing indicated that some entity kept them on a pre-programmed path to an unknown destination.

  * * * *

  The engine pounded with a thunderous and metronome-like cadence that seemed to blaspheme the philosophy of O.D.O.R. The energy produced by the monstrous facility was pumped through the air in a repeating bolt of silvery blue light launching out through a small crystal dome relieving the tedium of the metal ceiling. A distant rush of wind grew closer, emanating from a tube protruding with dozens of others from the far wall.

  Like a champagne cork, Nefarious Wretch popped out. He flew through the air with a calm, deadpan expression and landed on a perfectly placed cushion softening the rusty metal floor. He rolled across the room like a tumbleweed, bounced off his tushie and came to a halt poised on his feet, only to continue across the room in a perfectly controlled jog. It was apparent he'd done this many times before.

  Nefarious rushed to a large bank of switches and set about flipping a series of the old, circuit breaker-style controls. Two large loops of metal rose from the floor just in front of the wall of tubes. Similar in design to those used by lion tamers, the rings began to glow with red electrical fire that raced around their circumference. Nefarious giggled and waited.

  Six seconds passed before dual rushes of wind echoed into the chamber as Caffrey and Poe 33 were exhausted from separate tubes. They flew through the air and threaded the eyes of the glowing loops with a seemingly almost rehearsed perfection, coming to dead stops betwixt them, and held firm by the mysterious force of the fiery light.

  "Bull's-eye!” shouted Nefarious, with a clap of his hands.

  "Bull-shit, Nefarious! You can't possibly get away with this!” retorted Caffrey.

  "How trite. Surely a man of your intelligence and resources could come up with a better retort than that?"

  Caffrey knew Nefarious was right, but the admittedly corny line had spontaneously flown from his mouth and he was in no mood to apologize. This inability to invoke wit under pressure was beginning to irk him, however, and he made a mental note to work on the little flaw at a more opportune moment. He pursued more immediate matters.

  "Poe, do something."

  "It would seem the energy of this ring has paralyzed the neural control circuits for all of my defense mechanisms. I am, as they say, without a paddle."

  "Not for nothing, pal, but I think you need to go back to your own drawing board. And tear it up."

  "Touché, Quark Caffrey."

  Nefarious strutted as he spoke. “The great Poe 33 assumed he was prepared with a clever defense mechanism for any situation. There is no defense against my mind. You are both being held by the power of my intellect, routed and wired directly to those rings. As is this entire operation. All controlled by my brilliance. Now, you will be witness to the ultimate resolution of my plan."

  Nefarious flipped another switch and a rumbling and squeak of greasy gears joined the sound of the turbines. The domed roof split in four parts and fell away to reveal the Technicolor splendor of the many, many worlds orbiting outside. They discovered they were situated just below the large asteroid, and sculpture's profile was quite evident from their vantage point.

  "That's your love, isn't that right, Nefarious?” Caffrey queried softly.

  "Love? Don't be a fool. That is me! My face!"

  Poe 33 tossed Caffrey an odd look but had to agree with his assessment.

  "It appears to my eyes to be a female humanoid. It looks nothing like yourself."

  "Bah! What do you know! This is the model of Nefarious that will lurk and roam the cosmos. A living, breathing, vengeful wanderer! System after system will shudder when I enter and become an orbiting nightmare!"

  "You'll do nothing of the sort. You've yet to hurt a single soul—you've only slightly annoyed millions. I know Presidents and lounge singers who can brag of worse. Release all these worlds back to their original systems and you won't be destroyed,” declared Caffrey.

  "Rather silly for you to be making such threats in your situation, don't you think, Caffrey Quark?"

  "Not really.” Caffrey swallowed, ignoring the fact Nefarious was right.

  "A fleet awaits,” the Portsmith warned. “A huge fleet that will invade and destroy this entire base of yours. Surrender yourself."

  "Ridiculous."

  "Do this for your love. Show her you aren't the slime-bucket bully everyone thinks you are."

  "I have never had a love!"

  "You live, breathe, exist for this lost love. You've buried it deep in your mind. You demanded perfection in recreating her face on that asteroid.” Argued Caffrey.

  "That's my face!” Nefarious's fists clenched.

  "You don't wear glasses. That face has glasses!"

  Nefarious searched for an excuse and mumbled something about contact lenses and corrective surgery, but it held little water. He waved his arms in annoyance.

  "Let The Creamery Child play!” Caffrey urged.

  "Stop! I will never discontinue my quest to rid the galaxy of music!"

  "You used to love music! Don't deny its power! Open your heart to it, to her!"

  "Never!"

  "Let the crystal thread shatter!” demanded Caffrey.

  Nefarious face shuddered, and he gave Caffrey an odd look.

  "You might have been born of the Dopplerspangler, naturally despising music. But you met your love. A woman who composed grand orchestrations! Her music changed your soul from muck to gold."

  Nefarious almost smiled. He shook his head slowly as he stared at his fungus-covered big toe poking from his old sock. He picked his dangling nose and frowned.

  "That is not possible. I am rotten, quite literally, to the core."

  "No! You are the I of the they. You have power. You proved it by rising above the I's hate! You fell in love with a musician!"

  "And she turned my heart back to muck.” Nefarious turned away and a wave of vulnerability washed over him.

  Caffrey tried again. “She died. Not her fault. Not yours, either."

  "Quark Caffrey,” whispered Poe 33, “he has two small objects strapped beneath his socks. I am getting intermittent vibes that the sample of my Master is near."

  Sure enough, two objects,
one rectangular and one cylindrical, bulged slightly under Nefarious Wretch's odoriferous hosiery.

  "Listen to me, Nefarious. You have a lot to offer."

  "Such as?” The fiend expressed indifference, sadness.

  "Well...” Caffrey had to think about it a moment. “This is a helluva studly ship. Impressed the crap out me. Didn't it, Poe?"

  "If I recall correctly,” said Poe, “you mentioned something about wanting to French kiss Nefarious, in the nude, after you first laid eyes on his immense craft."

  Caffrey tossed Poe an “I'll get you back for that” look, but went along with it. The Portsmith was one hell of a liar when pressed.

  "Did you really?” Nefarious asked blushingly. “No! You did not!"

  "Yes, I did. And would, gosh darnit!"

  Nefarious walked to the control panel and let his hands drift about the many levers. “I can kill you both quite easily, you do realize?"

  "Yes. But you're bigger than that."

  "Am I?"

  "Just look what you have accomplished!"

  Nefarious nodded as his own resume of achievements filled his mind.

  "That's right. I turned this cruise liner into a devastatingly powerful machine of planet appropriation! I inspired an entire organization of zealots to do my bidding! I never asked them! They were awestruck by me! They formed clubs, tea circles, armies, cults. Even a theatre group on Gupan. As we speak they are scattered about this vast galaxy, brainwashing the feebleminded and capturing worlds.

  "And they send them to me. To me! I have a collection of worlds at my disposal like no other tyrant has ever had! Billions upon billions of beings!"

  "But you are lonely,” Caffrey said softly.

  "Lonely,” Poe 33 repeated for effect.

  "Lonely?” Nefarious repeated the word like a lyric of some long-forgotten song, “Maybe once.” He fiddled with controls abstractedly.

  Caffrey glanced skyward. The fleet was approaching. An armada looming ever closer.

  "Poe, is there any way you can contact Yin?"

  "No. My communications systems are shut down."

  "What are you plotting?” Nefarious shouted.

  "I was just telling Poe here what a perfect match you would be for this lovely piccolo player I know on Ramatree 7."

  The skinny little villain raised an eyebrow, but it immediately fell back into the mudslide of his dejected expression.

  "We can find you another love, Nefarious,” Caffrey promised.

  "I can't. It's too late."

  "Yes, you can. Remember it. Once again, Nefarious, recall the wonder of the feeling."

  Nefarious just stood motionless, eyeballing Caffrey with a murderous expression.

  "Tell me about her."

  "No."

  "She was beautiful,” Caffrey pushed cunningly. “I bet she was beautiful."

  "I recall you saying she was quite bland,” Poe reminded.

  Caffrey smacked the Portsmith across his head with a stern look. The Portsmith shut up and stared at the floor.

  "I bet her smile made you melt."

  Nefarious threw his palms over his ears.

  "What was her name?"

  "No more! Stop!"

  "Lovely name,” Poe 33 looked up and around brightly as he complimented with a sincere and sensual rasp.

  "Poe. Shut up."

  Caffrey studied Nefarious. It was amazing how such a pathetic, frail, limp noodle of a being could have been the object of such fear, anger and war preparation. No missile, bomb or energy bolt would solve this problem. As Nefarious admitted himself, he was rotten at the core. It was the core that needed a cleansing of sorts.

  "Tell me about the moment you first realized you were in love."

  "No. I can't."

  "So you do admit you were actually in love?"

  "I never said that."

  "You said it with your eyes."

  "I feel so helpless,” Poe 33 whispered as he struggled to free some of his defense devices.

  "Nefarious, pal, would you honor me by humming a bar or so of ‘The Creamery Child?’”

  "No. I cannot possibly hear music."

  "Why?"

  "I hate it, that's why."

  "No, you don't. What would happen if you were to open your ears to a powerful song of love?"

  "I couldn't."

  "You could. It would shatter the little crystal thread that holds back the memories of love."

  "They are held by powerful forces. Locked away where they will not hurt me. Nothing will free them."

  "Then why are you so afraid?"

  "I'm afraid of nothing."

  "I wish one of us could contact the L'Orange,” Caffrey whispered. “I'd try to conjure an image of his wife."

  "That might help."

  "What about your holographic projection system?"

  "Disabled."

  Caffrey cursed under his breath; and as if on a perfectly synchronous cue, a ghostly form drifted into the room. It was a woman, dressed in a dowdy brown burlap gown. Her hair was mousy brown and frizzy. She floated above the ground, her image translucent but solid. She approached Nefarious Wretch from behind. He was too busy picking foot dirt from his exposed toenail to sense her.

  Poe was impressed again. “My, my, Quark Caffrey. You did it!"

  Caffrey's mouth fell open.

  "Nefarious, my love...” spoke the floating woman.

  Nefarious, his finger at his nose as he tried to identify the dirt sample, froze.

  The image coaxed at him, still floating behind. “Wretchy, my soft-shelled love-pumpkin. I missed you so."

  There was a sudden shift in the little despot's attention. An ear twitched like a cat's and his nose rose like a charmed snake. His head turned gradually and one eye, very slowly and with great dread, clocked over to take a peek.

  "Nefarious, love,” oozed the image. She was inches from his face, and he slid backward, falling onto his rump. His eyes were protruding from their sockets. He was trembling.

  "No! Be vanquished from my beholding eyes, you devilish apparition!"

  "I am no ghost, my love. I have come to kiss you one last time."

  She knelt down beside him, and he shot away like a repelled magnet, squawking.

  "Do not assault my vision, undead spirit!"

  "Rather Shakespearean, huh, Quark Caffrey?” whispered Poe 33.

  Caffrey smiled. He knew what to do. “Poe. The music library. Can you access that?"

  "Yes. It has not been disabled as it has no intrinsic power against Nefarious."

  "That's what he thinks. The Who. Quadrophenia. The last track. Play it as loud as you can."

  "Are you sure?” The android couldn't comprehend. “Such a tender moment?"

  "Do it."

  Poe 33 nodded and the song began. The sound of rain falling introduced the soft piano notes. Nefarious shot a worried glance towards the Portsmith then back to the spirit. He was a ping-pong ball between two horrid paddles. She beckoned him closer with awkward bats of her lashes. He held one arm before him and another wrapped around his head in an attempt to block both ears. Roger Daltrey's prayer for love to reign o'er him roared out. Each verse, each chorus, each note, each word, bombarded Nefarious Wretch's tiny soul. He backed up as his wife moved closer, her arms reaching for his narrow frame.

  "Feel the power of this moment, my love. It may never happen again."

  His tiny heart pumped faster, beyond his control. He threw his hands over his ears, then his eyes. Then his ears. The song's utter power penetrated deep within him. His head fell back as if he were feeling the drops of rain upon his face, and he smiled as if relishing their cool refreshment.

  One by one the planets outside faded away. Nefarious himself began to glow brighter, as if some inner light had ignited and was burning through. He seemed to grow in size and, like a star, cast a wonderful yellow light around the dark chamber. He looked into the eyes of his wife, and his own dark, soulless eyes flickered like trick birthday candles long ago exting
uished and left for dead. The song neared its conclusion on a thunderous wash of drums and guitar and reached a climactic explosion, piercing the very mind of Nefarious Wretch.

  "Touch my hand, my eternal flame,” she said softly.

  Slowly, and with vanishing hesitation, he did.

  Somewhere deep within the core of Nefarious the crystal thread shattered into a billion trillion pieces. The anger and hate that had been the physical forces holding together the very atoms of the Dopplerspangler's core were no more. Like an atomic device, the fission-like reaction of his soul exploded and the asteroid encasing it was rendered countless tiny stars of blood-red light. The light of the fire faded, but a beautiful red gaseous cloud remained, and would remain, for eons. Floating in the black cradle of the lonely dimension of Nefarious Wretch was a huge nebula. A cloud shaped in a beautiful self-undulating form—a repeating pattern of beautiful curves that fell one inside the other like a flower. Like a rose.

  A single red rose.

  The little man caught a glimpse of it then collapsed to the floor. His smile never faded. The huge turbines slowed, went silent. The I of the One and the One of the I and the core of Nefarious Wretch and all those who would have been were gone.

  The energized rings descended to the ground, and Caffrey and Poe 33 were released. It took a few moments for Caffrey's ears to adjust to the silence. The woman turned to face them.

  "I am stunned at your abilities, friend,” Poe 33 confessed.

  "I have a feeling the miracle has a more down-to-Earth explanation,” Caffrey said. “Isn't that right, Angie? Peebo?"

  There was a chuckle, and suddenly the ghostly woman solidified and morphed into a metallic sphere. Peebo bobbed. Angie laughed again.

  "Humbled again,” Caffrey said with faux disappointment.

  "You shouldn't be, my gold-hearted hamburger. If not for your compassion, Caffrey, our efforts would have been fruitless."

  "We make quite the team,” admitted Caffrey.

  "That we do. Although it was my music that aided in Nefarious's transmutation,” Poe 33 bragged.

  "Actually, it's Caffrey's music,” corrected Angie.

  "Actually, it's The Who's music.” Caffrey knelt down beside the smiling, motionless creature and pulled down his socks. Strapped to his twig-like legs were a crystal tube and a black square of metal, shimmering like a rainbow.