With a wash of shame, I realized I hadn’t even paid attention to anyone other than Gavin over the past hour. Ella hadn’t minded (she’d been making googly eyes at us the whole time), but had Alex felt left out? Or had he gotten lost?
Lars fell right out of his dreamy-hippie personality and went straight back down the path with purpose, calling Alex’s name.
Angela stayed with us, but she searched the woods within sight of us to see if maybe he’d gone off to answer nature’s call without telling anyone.
“What do you think happened?” Ella asked as we gathered together back on the path. She’d started chewing on her nails.
“He probably just went to the bathroom,” Gavin said.
“Yeah.” I wanted it to be true, too. It would be awful if he’d gotten lost.
“Did you see him leave?” Ella looked at us. I shook my head, and Gavin did, too.
“I feel bad,” I said. “He’d come with us.”
“He probably went into the woods,” Gavin said, and I tried to convince myself that was what had happened.
But Angela returned without having found him. “We’ll wait here for a while, to see if he comes back,” she said.
We stayed there longer than we should have, but Lars returned and shook his head. “Can’t find him,” he said. “We need to go back and let everyone know.”
Too bad cell phones wouldn’t work up here.
Gavin and I didn’t hold hands on the way down. It was impossible, anyway, since we had to jump from rock to rock in some places.
The walk back did take less time than the walk up, but by the time we got back, Lars and Angela were in a near panic. We still hadn’t seen any sign of Alex. I felt guilty, and I could tell from the expression on their faces that Gavin and Ella did, too. We’d gotten too wrapped up in ourselves to notice what had happened to our new friend.
Once the cabins were in sight, Lars took me and Gavin straight to our cabin while Angela made sure everyone else got back to theirs safely. Lars barged right on in and looked around. Alex wasn’t there, but Wade was.
Our counselor rolled off of his bed when he saw Lars and said, “What’s up, man?”
“Have you seen Alex?”
“Not recently.”
Lars swore under his breath. “He was on the nature walk with us and then disappeared.”
We were given firm orders to stay there while Wade and Lars both rushed out of the cabin.
Gavin and I were alone.
Had it been under other circumstances, it would have been great. Fantastic, even, being alone with a boy with no supervision. But I worried for Alex.
“What do you think happened?” I echoed Ella’s question from earlier.
“No idea.” Gavin seemed uninterested. Instead, he took my arm and sat me down on his bed. I immediately started to shake. I was sitting on his bed. Alone. “So, do you like me or not?”
I was stunned by the sudden question, the abrupt change of subject. I stammered out, “Uh, yeah, I guess so.”
“Guess so?”
“Just…you know…” I looked away, unable to answer the question. It was too embarrassing.
He touched my cheek with a finger and ran it down my jaw. “Soft.”
I laughed a little too bitterly. “Can’t start testosterone yet.” It was out before I could stop it. Normally, I didn’t like discussing my transition with most people.
“Oh, wow. So…you really are trans.”
I looked back at him. “Yeah.” I wondered what he meant.
“Sorry, I haven’t ever met anyone who was. I mean, like, really met them.”
“Does it bother you?”
“No.”
He would never know the relief that flooded my body when he said that one word. His finger trailed to my bottom lip, brushing it lightly. I closed my eyes and tried not to faint. I could feel all the blood in my body, rushing through my veins, and I was aware of all of my skin. My binder was tight and itchy.
“I never thought I’d, you know. Be attracted to someone who was.”
I opened my eyes again and stared at him, letting him see the offense on my face. “Why? Because we’re freaks?”
He snatched his hand back. “No. That’s not what I meant. Just…I don’t know.” He slumped and looked away guiltily. “Maybe.”
Disappointment replaced the relief. But I wasn’t surprised. “I know. You’ve only seen us on TV or in tabloids. We’re not all like that. We’re real people. I’m lucky. I came out at a young age. I won’t go through full puberty until I’m ready, until I’m sure I want to be a man.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. But they’re still going to make me wait. My parents and my doctors. I might be able to go on testosterone at sixteen if my parents agree to it. But they won’t.”
“I thought you said they were cool.”
“Yeah, mostly. My dad is resisting. He’s coming around, but I think he’ll make me wait until I’m eighteen.” I still wasn’t sure why I was telling him this. He didn’t need to know it, but for some reason, I wanted him to.
“That’s terrible.”
“Yeah.”
I’d also have to wait even longer for top surgery—for getting my chest flattened. Most doctors wouldn’t even discuss it until after a year of being on hormones, and I had to turn eighteen before they’d consider permanent changes anyway. That meant, at the earliest, I could have my surgery at nineteen, and it seemed like such a long time from now. It felt unattainable. Five more years of crushing my ribs with a binder. Five more years of not being as physically active as I wanted to be—namely in swimming—because I couldn’t be on a boys’ team if I had breasts. And even if they let me…what would be the point? I couldn’t compete with boys my age, not now anyway. Maybe if I’d been training harder, started earlier. But without testosterone, I didn’t have the upper body power. I could still do it, if I found a team willing to take me, but it would be such an uphill battle I wasn’t sure it would be worth it.
I suppose Gavin didn’t have anything else to say to that, which was probably a good thing. Because Ryan came in then, banging the door open so hard it made us both jump. We scooted away from each other a little guiltily.
Ryan caught the movement. He sneered at us. “Just what are you queers doing?”
“Go away,” said Gavin.
Ryan raised an eyebrow. “Oh? You’re going to talk to me like that? After what I told you before? Did you forget?”
Gavin stiffened but didn’t say anything.
Ryan was staring him down, and Gavin was the first to look away. “That’s what I thought.” Ryan turned his back and got into his bunk, chuckling maliciously to himself.
I didn’t know what was going on, or what Ryan meant, but Gavin had pulled away, withdrawing into himself. He wouldn’t look at me. I took the hint, got up, and climbed into my own bed. It felt cowardly, slinking away back to my own bunk, leaving Gavin alone below. But I was acutely aware of every move he made.
There was nothing to do but wait. Lunch had been postponed until Alex could be found, and everyone was rushing around getting to their cabins. With great relief, though, Wade came in only a few minutes later with a chastened-looking Alex in tow. I sat up in my bed, hopped off, and nearly jumped the two steps to get to Alex.
“You’re okay!” I said, maybe a bit too enthusiastically.
He looked at me and said nothing. He just stood there and stared at me.
“Alex?”
Wade was watching us and then said, “Alex just returned to camp on his own. He’s been here the whole time.”
“Leave me alone,” Alex said before I could get a word out. He pushed past me and went to his bed.
I didn’t even have time to think about it before Wade hustled us out for lunch. Alex never looked at us. Gavin and I stood together, but didn’t touch, as we waited for everyone to line up.
Why had Alex left? Was it because of Gavin and me?
He…he couldn’t like Gavin
, could he? Or me? I didn’t want to think it was me, because having two guys like me at the same time was a situation that was too bizarre to be real. Of course, it would be fantastic, but I was sure he liked Gavin, not me.
Alex didn’t sit with us at lunch, but no one else seemed to notice anything was amiss. Only Gavin and I kept glancing at him once in a while. Maybe it was in hopes that he’d be looking at us, maybe so we could show him we still wanted to be friends.
Ella’s cabin once again got the Clean Cabin Award, disappointing Gavin and me. We’d been working so hard!
Alex continued to ignore us as we finished up the meal.
After lunch, we went to sign up for our activities. There were the usual ones, but a new one caught my eye. There was space for only six people. On the paper, the actual activity name wasn’t listed. Instead were the words, “Something Special. Bring a mattress.”
Nothing else appealed, but what could we possibly need a mattress for? The possibilities didn’t seem innocent to me, but maybe that was a failure of imagination.
I signed up for it, and so did Gavin and Ella.
We separated for Quiet Time. Alex ignored us still as we came in, turning his back as I came near. I wanted to talk to him, but he clearly didn’t want to talk. So I left him alone, but I felt so bad inside. What had I done? I tried not to feel guilty for being chosen by Gavin. I couldn’t be ashamed of that, could I? But I was, strangely.
I didn’t sleep that hour, but instead lay staring at the ceiling and worrying. Had we done something to offend Alex? Had we hurt his feelings? Could he really like one of us and was now jealous or angry that we seemed to be together? Had anyone else done anything to him?
Maybe Wade knew? He saw Alex when he came back, heard him say to stay away from him. Maybe he knew why?
It made me feel terrible that I had potentially said or done something to offend him. I tried my best to get along with everyone, though I knew I failed often.
There wasn’t anything I could do about it right then. I’d have to see if I could try to get Alex to talk later.
When Quiet Time was over, Gavin and I dragged our mattresses off of our beds and pulled them into Lincoln Lodge.
To no one’s surprise, it was Lars who was presiding over the unusual and mysterious activity. Ella arrived soon after with her own mattress, and Lars directed us to arrange them in lines. Three other campers came in and joined us, their faces showing their curiosity.
I was in the middle, between Ella and Gavin. Lars directed us to move our mattresses farther apart, which we did, though reluctantly. I think we all wanted to be close together for whatever he had planned.
“Okay,” he said, his voice soft and his eyes staring off into the distance. Was he on something or was it just the way he was? He’d snapped out of it quickly, though, when he’d thought Alex was lost. It was probably the way he was. “Today, we’re going to learn some interesting meditation techniques.”
Well, that was disappointing. Meditation? Why would I want to learn that?
“Everyone get on your mattresses and lie down,” he commanded, and we complied. Gavin and I shared exasperated looks.
“Now close your eyes and relax.”
I did, but I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to relax. This was so ridiculous.
“Feel yourself sinking into the mattress. You’ve gotten very heavy.”
His voice had started in a drone, and it was more annoying than relaxing.
“Sink deep into your mattress. Imagine yourself actually sinking down into the ground below—you’ve gotten so heavy.”
I had to bite my lip to keep from giggling. This was so silly, and I felt ridiculous there, spread out over my bare mattress on the floor of Lincoln Lodge.
I startled when I felt fingers on my hand. Gavin had scooted as far as he could to one side of his mattress so he could reach out and just barely touch my arm. When I smiled at him, he grinned back and winked.
I reached out to him, and our fingers wove together. It didn’t seem so silly now.
He closed his eyes and so did I, but I couldn’t concentrate on what Lars was saying. I was too aware of the warm hand in mine, the thrill that ran through me every time I realized he liked me.
At some point, he squeezed my hand, and I opened my eyes to look at him. He mouthed something at me, but I couldn’t read his lips. I shook my head and looked at him quizzically. He waved a hand and looked away again.
Lars droned on for an hour, and I think most of us just dozed, continuing our naps from Quiet Time. I couldn’t sleep really, but I think I did nod off a few times, only to snap awake again when I felt Gavin move.
Eventually, Lars said, “And now, come back into your bodies, rise back into them. Feel yourself returning to your body.”
I heard Gavin mutter, “Something is rising.”
I couldn’t help it, I snorted with laughter, quickly covering my mouth to stifle it.
Lars went on as though he hadn’t heard us. “When you are ready, start wiggling your fingers and toes. Slowly start moving your limbs. Open your eyes. Again, only when you are ready, sit up.”
Gavin and I sat up, having been ready since we started. We let go of each other’s hands reluctantly.
Ella, though, was still flat on her mattress, wiggling her fingers. She blinked and opened her eyes, stretched, and sat up slowly. “That was wonderful!”
We laughed, and she frowned. “What’s so funny?” She looked at the two of us and said, “Oh, you two. You didn’t do it, did you?”
“Nah,” Gavin said, and I shook my head.
Ella swatted at us both playfully. She wandered over to Lars to thank him, while Gavin leaned into me.
“What I said was, why don’t we meet up in cabin one later?” He whispered it in my ear, but I still heard the promise in his words.
I froze and inhaled sharply. Cabin one, the empty cabin. The one where no one was allowed while it wasn’t being used. I knew why Gavin would want to meet there. I’d heard the tittering of others about kids meeting up there.
“Can we get in there?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I don’t know,” I said, hesitating. Was I ready for this? Going alone to someplace deserted with a boy?
“Come on,” he whispered.
I didn’t say anything, not sure I was ready for that yet. Whatever “that” was going to be, I didn’t want to think about it. I hadn’t ever considered it could be a possibility.
Ella joined us then, saving me from having to answer. “That was wonderful!” she said again. “I’m glad we did it. And you two!” She looked us up and down. We were still holding hands, but I was feeling uncomfortable with it. She stepped a little closer to us and leaned in to ask quietly, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“We’ll be fine,” Gavin said.
I hoped he was right. I didn’t want us to become the focus of some bigoted kid’s crusade, with parents being “notified” of the possibility of two boys kissing. Ella had assured me there were plenty of queer kids here, but I hadn’t seen any, except us.
Gavin was going to meet some other friends, so he hugged me, grabbed up his mattress, and ran off, leaving me alone with Ella. After we replaced our own mattresses, we went into Washington Lodge to find a place to talk. The back porch there was screened in and had a nice view of the steep hill. We had it to ourselves, as the afternoon activities were just finishing up, and the others hadn’t come back yet. We settled into two deck chairs, leaning back to gaze out into the trees. Birds were flitting from branch to branch, twittering at one another.
“So? What’s going on between you two?” Ella asked, her eyes shining with excitement.
“Nothing, it’s nothing.”
“Oh come on, you were holding hands, you hugged! That’s something!”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “He wants to meet in cabin one.”
Ella’s mouth opened into a big O of surprise. “Oh, my god, Casey, that’s seri
ous! Are you sure about that?”
“Honestly? No. I don’t even know what, exactly, he wants to do there, but I don’t think I’m ready for it, no matter what it is. I…I haven’t kissed anyone seriously yet.”
Ella knew that. She reached out and grabbed my hand to squeeze reassuringly. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“I know. I won’t. It’s just…I want to make sure he knows that.”
“If he forces you to do something you don’t want, you don’t need him, no matter how cute he is,” she said, clutching at my hand so hard it hurt.
“I know, I know. Ow.” She let go with an apologetic look. “I don’t want to get into any more trouble, I think.”
“Then tell him, Casey. He should know you’re already on thin ice.”
“Yeah, because of Ryan,” I said.
“Forget him. He’s always been a creep.”
“Gavin was friends with him.”
“Only for a while. You said so.”
I wanted to think Gavin was a nice guy—a real nice guy—but I couldn’t help but feel a little squeamish about going into a cabin we weren’t supposed to be in, to do things I wasn’t sure I was ready for yet. I didn’t want him to pressure me. I didn’t want to have to push him away like that, but if he insisted, it would be for the best anyway. It was all moving too fast for me.
We still had a long time until dinner, so I decided to take a nap, as the “meditation” session had made me sleepy for real. I hugged Ella goodbye and went back to the cabin.
I stopped short when I realized Alex was the only one there. He glanced up at me, and his face froze into a look of contempt and anger.
“Look, Alex,” I said, wanting things to be right again. He’d just started being friendly with us, and he had no other friends here. It wasn’t right.
“Save it,” he snapped.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
I went over to him, my hands awkwardly thrust into my pockets. I didn’t know what to say to him, but I didn’t want him to hate me for something I wasn’t sure I’d done. “I thought we were friends?”
“You were wrong.”
“Why?”
On a Summer Night Page 9