He looked away, his jaw working. I was just about to give up when he took a big breath and went on a tirade at me. “It’s you and Gavin! How could you like him? He’s such a creep—he and Ryan always laughing at us behind our backs. You know their parents are friends, right? They went to the same school before Gavin moved away. How could you be attracted to him? What’s wrong with you?”
I stared at him openmouthed as he finally lapsed into silence. He shook his head and stood up, but I was blocking his way. He went to push past me, but I had gathered myself up enough to stop him. I grabbed his arm. “What do you mean, they make fun of us?”
“You don’t know?”
“No, how could I? Gavin said he didn’t hang out with Ryan anymore, that they weren’t really friends.”
“He told you that? He was lying.”
I didn’t want to believe him. “How do you know this?”
“I overheard them. They were laughing about you.” He hesitated. “Ryan knows you’re trans. They were talking about how they could use it against you.”
Fear rushed through my veins, a white wash of horror and dread that made me shiver. With numb lips, I said, “I don’t believe you.”
“Doesn’t matter. Ryan wanted to tell a bunch of people. He told me, but I’d already guessed.”
“That can’t be true.” I didn’t want it to be true.
Alex slumped a little. “Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I…I don’t know why I didn’t.”
“No, it’s okay. Um…”
Should I thank him? Should I scream at him? What if he was the one who was lying? But why would he lie? Why would Gavin lie? Why had Alex been okay with being friendly with him at first, only to decide against it when he saw us holding hands?
I knew the answers, but I didn’t want to admit them.
I would have to find out myself. I would have to talk to Gavin, but I didn’t want to do that.
He had said he was meeting with other friends, and I hadn’t thought much of it. Gavin was attractive and nice, on the surface at least, so of course, he would have lots of friends. But what if those friends were Ryan and his cronies?
“Do you know where they hang out?” I asked.
“Yeah, cabin one.”
I didn’t want to believe Alex, but the coincidence of Gavin inviting me to cabin one and having his friends meet him there was worrying. Or maybe he could get access to cabin one because of Ryan?
I didn’t know what to think anymore, and it was this state of mind that sent me creeping through the woods behind the cabins toward the other end of the road. I hadn’t been back that way at all, but it wasn’t hard to follow the line of the cabins. It was too hard to do it quietly.
Cabin one was set a little farther away from the line the other cabins were in, because the mountain reared up behind it and made it impossible to place it near cabin two. It had been set forward, closer to the road, and the road itself had petered out to a Jeep trail. There was no way for me to approach it quietly in the woods, so I went ahead and got back on the road. I slowed down, looking to see if anyone was coming but didn’t see anything
I approached the cabin as quietly as I could, listening. There were voices inside, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying, or even who they were.
Creeping closer, I tried to make as little sound as possible. It was good the road was dry, and the soft dirt muffled my footfalls.
“…bring…here…” I caught just that bit, but couldn’t place the voice. I needed to see who it was, and there wasn’t an easy way to do that. Not without opening the door or climbing the hill to peer into the screen windows. But with either option, they would be able to hear me approach.
“…doesn’t…listen…tell everyone…”
Mumbling. I couldn’t hear anything anymore. Someone must have turned away or started whispering.
“…hurt him…into…trouble…”
“…her, him, whatever…”
I grimaced. They had to be talking about me. Moving a bit closer, I stepped carefully onto the first step of the cabin. I hoped it wouldn’t creak, and luckily, it didn’t. But in concentrating on not making any sound, I’d missed a few sentences. Someone else said, “Do you really like her?” And then more mumbling.
Suddenly, there was laughter, and it was cruel. I knew that laugh. It was Ryan. But who else was in there?
The doors on all of the cabins were wooden, with a screen window set into the top half. Shades could be pulled down over the screen, and this one had been lowered. It was impossible to see in—there was no gap between shade and frame. I dared to peek, but could see nothing.
“…being around me.” And then more laughter.
Finally, Ryan said as clear as day, “Bring her here, and you don’t have to watch or participate. Just get her here.”
There were footsteps. I needed to get away. They were going to come out! I panicked and ran straight into the woods.
The door flung open behind me, banging on the wall next to it.
“She’s there!” Ryan yelled, and I could hear the shouting of the others.
I didn’t look behind me to see who was coming out. I’d heard enough to know they were planning on hurting me, and that was all I needed to know. I had to get away.
Crashing through the trees, I headed straight for the rest of camp. I knew the only safe place would be with a crowd, and everyone would be getting ready for dinner soon. Branches slapped at my face, but I ignored them. Once past cabin two, I turned a sharp corner onto the road.
A couple of girls screamed as I nearly plowed into them. I threw a look behind me, and sure enough, Ryan and the other boys were pelting toward me. And behind them all was Gavin, running to catch up.
Anger swelled inside my gut like a balloon full of lava. I had trusted Gavin. I thought he really liked me. But it had all been an act, one to get me to follow him into cabin one and get beaten up. The betrayal stung, eating at my insides. What sort of person would do such a thing?
I skidded to a halt as I reached Washington Lodge, turning to face my pursuers. There was nothing they could do here, with this many people around.
“Just try it,” I challenged. I glared at Gavin, letting him see the hate in my eyes. He wouldn’t look at me, guilt written all over his face. Good, he should feel guilty, the asshole.
We stood there for a few tense moments, each staring at the other, until Ryan finally laughed and said, “Never mind, guys, we’ll just let everyone know that Casey is really a girl.”
There were enough people around that a few heard and turned to look at us.
This was it. I straightened and shook my head. “No, Ryan, you’re wrong. I’m trans. I’m not a girl.”
“Whatever. You’re still a girl. You weren’t born a boy. Freak.” There were mutters from the people around us. They weren’t friendly, but I couldn’t tell if they were angry at me or at Ryan. He didn’t seem sure, either, so he only gave me a dirty look. “Come on guys, let’s leave the sissy alone.” He turned and stalked off. Gavin went with him, the coward.
My hands had balled into fists without me realizing it. I relaxed them and ran a hand through my hair. Well, the secret was out. No sense hiding it now.
Chapter Five
I WENT BACK to the cabin where Wade was rounding everyone else up. Luckily, Ryan and his friends had stayed outside, gone off somewhere else. I told Wade what happened.
“Ryan found out I’m trans,” I said, “and announced it in front of the lodge.”
His face fell. “Oh, Casey, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
“Have Ryan thrown out?”
Wade’s lips pressed down into a thin line. “You know how that will go,”
“Yeah, I know. Thought I’d try anyway.”
He gripped my shoulder in sympathy, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Can…can we just make an announcement at dinner?”
He looked surprised. “Really? You want to announce it?�
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“I think it will be better than the rumors that are already probably spreading.”
“You might be right. I’ll put it on the list.”
“Thanks.”
We went to meet everyone else for the walk down to dinner. Alex was there, and I went straight up to him. “Thank you. You were right. They were planning to hurt me.”
“Oh, man, really? I’m sorry.” He looked stunned. He reached out and hesitantly touched my shoulder in sympathy. “I’m sorry, Casey.”
“It’s okay. I appreciate you telling me.”
“I should have said something sooner.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m glad you did.”
We picked back up the pieces of our friendship on the way back down the mountain to the dining hall. Once there, we sat with Ella, Nick, and Lily. I leaned over and whispered furiously to Ella what had happened. Her face whitened, her mouth dropping open in surprise, until she clenched it in anger.
“What an asshole,” she hissed at me when I had finished. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Casey.”
I also told her about the announcement I was going to make. She reached over and hugged me from the side, and our heads touched. She knew how hard this was going to be for me.
I tried my best to be “stealth.” I was young and could easily pass as a young boy for the most part. But everyone at school already knew I was trans, so I wasn’t really stealth there. I’d hoped I could be here, fitting in and passing without everyone noticing, without having to tell them. And I’d succeeded, mostly. But even being stealth, I would always be trans. It always meant the possibility of discovery, of being outed. To some people, me being trans meant I would never, ever be a real boy, no matter what I said or how I looked. They were wrong. Being trans didn’t mean I wasn’t a boy.
There was always a danger to being trans, a danger that never went away. I could be stealth, but if I did something “wrong,” something too stereotypically girly, or if someone looked too closely, they might discover I was trans. My parents had not shied away from telling me of the violence and hardships some trans people encountered. They were real with me, sharing stories of trans people who’d been fired, beaten up, thrown out of their homes, had their children taken away from them, or had been murdered. It was terrifying. Some part of me hated my parents for showing me that. I was just a kid.
But it was my reality. It was what I could expect. My life wasn’t going to be happy rainbows and accepting friends all the time, unfortunately. Ryan had illustrated that clearly. I needed to be ready, prepared for what could come in the future. When I’d come out, my parents hadn’t sugarcoated it. As long as I was aware of what could happen, they would let me transition while I was still a kid.
We worked to change that. But so far, that was my reality.
Too nervous, I barely registered what I ate for dinner. The food was ashes in my mouth, dry and choking. Drinking a lot of bug juice helped wash it down, but I didn’t taste that either. It all sat in my stomach like rocks. I only ate because I had to, because everyone else was, because Ella wouldn’t leave me alone if I didn’t.
After everyone had finished eating, there were a few announcements. I didn’t hear any of them, but one of them made everyone murmur happily and clap. I’d have to check with Ella what it was later, once this was out of the way.
Wade stood then, and I knew it was time. My hands went cold and my heart was beating so hard I could feel it moving my whole body. Blood roared in my ears.
He licked his lips, looked at me, and said, “A situation has come up, and I’m sure some of you have heard the rumors. Casey has something to say.”
I stood up, shaking. “Yeah, so, it’s true, I’m trans. I’m a boy. So, please continue to treat me like a boy.”
I sat back down, hadn’t looked at anyone, hadn’t seen their faces or their expressions. I couldn’t say anything else, because my dinner was threatening a reappearance, and I wasn’t sure I could survive the shame of that.
There were some murmurs, but no one laughed. Ella clutched my hand and squeezed it. I looked over and saw Ryan, whose face was contorted into a look of rage. I didn’t want to look at Gavin, but I did anyway and noticed he was looking back at me. Our eyes met, and he was the first one to look away.
He was still sitting with Ryan. Traitor. Liar.
We were dismissed for Canteen, and I’d never gotten up the mountain faster. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t even want a soda. I just wanted to be left alone—even left Ella behind, knowing she would understand.
The door to the cabin banged shut behind me, and I didn’t even bother to turn the light on, just went to my bunk and got into bed. Sleep wasn’t going to be possible, but I couldn’t face anyone else.
I’d wanted so badly to pass, to be stealth, to not make this whole thing about me being trans. I wanted to live life like any other boy. It infuriated me that people like Ryan made being trans so hard, so dangerous. It didn’t have to be. I could be like any other boy in just about every single way. It didn’t matter what parts I did or didn’t have. Our body parts didn’t make us who we were. Why couldn’t people treat others how they wanted to be perceived? Why was it such an issue with some people?
A while later, the door opened, creaking on its hinges. “Casey?”
I didn’t respond, not sure who it was, and I didn’t care.
“Oh, you are there.” The light came on, and I blinked in the sudden brightness. It was Alex. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
He walked over to my bunk, looking up at me. “Are you sure? Don’t you want to have a soda?”
“Not really. I’m fine.”
Alex hesitated. “Look, man, I know you’re going through a lot. I was, too. You helped me, and now I’m gonna help you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You talked to me. You were nice to me. You didn’t have to be.”
“Why wouldn’t I have been?”
“Because I’m gay.”
“You might have noticed, but I’m pretty bisexual,” I said.
“Yeah, and that’s cool.”
“But I just had to out myself to the whole camp, and I didn’t want to ever have to do that.”
“I know. I know what it’s like. Not to be able to be just a regular person. Me being gay means it’s what most people think of when they talk to me. It can’t be that I like games, or that I can play guitar, or anything else. It’s that I’m gay.”
I sat up. “Yeah. People always want to talk to me about being trans. It’s annoying. I mean, it’s like constantly asking someone to talk about one small aspect of their life and never being interested in anything else.”
He smiled and nodded. “Exactly. So…do you want to talk about something else then?”
I had to laugh at that. He was right. I was letting this get to me. I was the one making everything be about me being trans. It had been fun just being a boy at camp. I could still do that—be like any other boy, show people I was like any other boy.
I hated being the person to do that for everyone else. They should accept that I was a boy and treat me like one. But maybe by knowing me, they’d treat the next trans person they met like anyone else: a full, whole, complete person.
I hopped off of my bunk and followed Alex out into the twilight. Ella joined us shortly after. I got myself a soda, but they had only grape left. That was okay, but it wasn’t great.
The whole time, no one said anything to me about being trans. No one came up to me and said anything weird. I got a few smiles, a few nods, and a couple blank stares. But nothing else was said.
It made me feel a lot better.
OVER THE NEXT few days, everything went back to normal. If anyone other than Ryan had a problem with me being trans, no one said anything about it. More importantly, no one said anything to me about it. People were a little more polite, even those people I didn’t know, but other than that, no one changed how they treated me.
In all hone
sty, it was a relief. I no longer ran to the bathroom to change. I just took off my pajamas, put on my binder, and then got dressed like everyone else. I still showered at night, because I didn’t want to be accused of letting boys ogle me while I was naked, and I felt more comfortable that way anyway. My chest gave me such bad dysphoria that I wanted to be naked in front of others as little as possible.
Not believing my luck, I certainly didn’t squander it, and went right back into having fun at camp like any other boy. I forgot about romance, forgot about Gavin. Of course, I still had to share the cabin with him and Ryan, and the other boys, but they left me strictly alone. It didn’t matter to me that Gavin looked sullen and stopped hanging out with anyone. I’d often see him sitting alone, far away from everyone else. It served him right.
I hadn’t come to camp to date. I had come to have fun, and that was exactly what I did. Not even Ryan loudly talking about how weird I was could dampen my day. No one was listening to him anyway, and I got special pleasure from seeing him being ignored by all the other kids. They might not be defending me, but they certainly weren’t listening to him.
I signed up for the special overnight camping trip at the very top of the mountain. It was to be a daylong hike and an overnight stay. Alex and I wanted to go for it, but Ella—and Ryan—did not.
I had fun organizing my things to fit into a real backpack—those special ones with frames for carrying big loads—and tying my sleeping bag to it. We ate trail mix on the hike and cooked stew over the fire when we got there. We slept under the open sky, watching the stars wheeling above us with a clarity I’d never seen before. And I wondered at the Milky Way, spilled across the heavens, like a glass of milk poured across black. It was beautiful.
The next morning, we detoured to a waterfall that cascaded over several different levels and ended in a pool so cold no one could stand being in it long. But it was deep enough to jump into, and Alex and I watched from the edge as a couple of kids leaped in from one of the upper levels. We sat by the pool, taking in the beauty of the woods, the moss-covered rocks, and the white spray of the water as it fell over the lips of stone.
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