On a Summer Night

by Gabriel D. Vidrine

  We also got first dibs on showers when we got back, which was a luxury.

  Excitement was growing for the end of the session, which was packed with interesting activities. After the camping trip, there was the talent show, which was what everyone had been so excited about before I announced I was trans. Then there was some mysterious activity that the counselors were all excited about. And finally, there was the dance.

  Already, people were pairing off, asking one another to the dance. I, of course, asked Ella again, formally, and she agreed to go with me as friends. She was excited about it, but I wasn’t really. It was just a dance, and they were always a little boring in my experience. Especially here, where there was no chance of kissing anyone.

  I was taken aback when a few of the girls shyly came up to me and asked if I wanted to go with them. I politely declined and told them I was already going with my best friend. I was flattered, but I just didn’t want to get involved.

  There was another pool party, and I was kind of sad I hadn’t brought anything to swim in. So, instead of lamenting about it, I put on a shirt I didn’t care about much, took off my binder, and jumped in. I didn’t care, for once, that people could see my chest in outline. It had been so long since I’d gone swimming, other than just in my parents’ pool, that it didn’t bother me. Afterward, Ella and I chased the fireflies and sat by the fire to warm up. I roasted enormous molten marshmallows for her until everyone saw what I was doing and tried to copy me. Only a few people were able to roast them right. Most ended up setting fire to their marshmallows. I ate Ella’s share of the chocolate, as well as mine.

  By the time we started into the second week, I was thoroughly enjoying myself and couldn’t believe there were only a few days left.

  At breakfast one morning, Ella turned to me. “So are you going to do anything at the talent show?”

  “Nah. You know I don’t have any talents.”

  “Except roasting marshmallows,” cut in Alex, who hadn’t been able to successfully roast a single one. He kept getting impatient and got his too close the flames, lighting the marshmallow on fire.

  I laughed. “Well, can’t really do that on stage, can I?”

  Ella leaned past me to stage-whisper to Alex, “Don’t believe him, he’s got a great singing voice.”

  “I do not!”

  She gave me a look, one of those what-do-you-know looks. “You’re just self-conscious about it.”

  “Well, yes.”

  “I play guitar, you know,” Alex said. “We could always duet.”

  I stared at him, shocked that he’d suggest it.

  “Oh, that would be wonderful!” Ella crowed. “You have to do it now. Come on, Casey!” She reached out and shook me a little.

  “Okay, I guess.” I was secretly pleased, though. I did like to sing, even if I wasn’t fantastic at it.

  In our free time, Alex and I got together to plan what we were going to do for the talent show. He didn’t have his guitar with him, but Lars had a couple, and he let us borrow one of them under his watchful eye.

  Unfortunately, Alex and I had widely varying tastes in music. But we managed to settle on a popular song we both knew, one that had been everywhere, so it was hard not to have heard it.

  We practiced in between rounds of Greek dodgeball—which was a lot more fun when Ryan wasn’t playing—nature hikes, and meals. Alex was actually pretty good at guitar, if a little bit slow at changing chords. We struggled at first and then picked up steam until we weren’t too bad. I kind of hated my high-pitched voice, but since everyone now knew I was trans, it didn’t matter so much.

  The day before the talent show, we were given permission to use the back room of Washington Lodge to practice during Canteen.

  “No, that chord is still wrong,” Alex muttered to himself. He fingered it a few times, and then, satisfied he had it, we tried again.

  “I think it’s coming along,” I said. “Are you ready?”

  He hesitated for a moment, sliding his hand up and down the guitar neck. “Yeah.” He looked back up at me. “I think so.”

  “Good. I think we’ll do well.”

  We relaxed and finished off our sodas—I was still drinking grape soda since cabin eight hadn’t yet won a Clean Cabin Award—before heading back to find Lars.

  On our way out, Gavin stumbled into the room. He took one look at us, froze, reddened, and turned around, leaving quickly.

  Alex and I shared a look.

  “What a jerk,” I said.

  Alex shrugged. “I think he really does like you.”

  “Are you serious? You think I should get with him? After all that?”

  “No!” Alex shook his head vehemently. “No way. He’s a jerk. But I think he is gay, or bisexual. At least, no one’s seen him with a girl.”

  “Doesn’t mean much.” I preferred boys, but I was still bisexual. “You think Ryan knows he’s gay or whatever?”

  “Probably. I mean, they were trying to get you into cabin one. They were using Gavin to bring you. Everyone saw you together, and people talk.”

  I felt sick at the thought.

  “I don’t know why they’re still friends,” I said. But I didn’t care that much. If Gavin wanted to be friends with a homophobic wart like Ryan, that was his business. “Whatever.”

  We found Lars and gave him back his guitar. It was nearly bedtime, and both of us were tired. We sought out Ella, said goodnight, and went back to our cabin.

  As I lay in my bunk, I thought about the talent show the next night. I was nervous, but I think we had a good shot. If we won, we’d be exempt from all the chores around camp, and we’d get pizza. I think I was more excited about the exemption, though Wade had relented on giving Ryan and me extra chores after I came out. That had been a relief, but we still hadn’t won the Clean Cabin Award. Wade was inconsolable. I mean, we weren’t slobs, but I guess the other cabins were just doing that much better than us. It was disappointing.

  Nerves kept me awake for a while, but so did the thought that Gavin still liked me. I turned over. I didn’t want him. He was a jerk. He hung out with Ryan, though admittedly I hadn’t seen them together in a long time. Not since my coming out.

  I told myself people did not change. Not unless they wanted it. Mom had drilled that into my head when I started even thinking about dating. She’d had an abusive husband before she met my dad. That bastard had nearly killed her, but she’d stayed with him anyway, thinking and hoping he could change.

  She managed to finally leave him in the end, but she made sure I knew it wasn’t worth staying with a jerk just because you loved him.

  I didn’t love Gavin. I’d just crushed on him. That made me angry, which made it harder to sleep. He’d lied to me about still being friends with Ryan, about being okay with me being trans, and he had tried to lure me into cabin one to get me beaten up. What kind of person does that?

  Sleep finally did come, but not good sleep. I dreamed a lot about Gavin, which woke me up a few times during the night. Why was I dreaming about him? He was off-limits. I reminded myself he wasn’t going to change. I couldn’t make him, and holding out hope would only bring pain and heartache later. But it was hard to believe when he was sleeping just underneath me. If I dared peer down over the edge of the bunk, I would see his face in the moonlight. His brow would be creased while he slept, his pale lashes on his freckled cheeks.

  I rolled over again and tried to sleep, trying to think of other things than Gavin’s eyelashes.

  Chapter Six

  THE MORNING DAWNED a little cool, and I shivered into my clothes as quickly as possible. It would warm up once the sun broke through the clouds and the wind died down. But it must have rained during the night, for the ground was a little soggy.

  I ran to the bathroom and came back to everyone in the cabin starting the day. As we did our chores, Gavin, Ryan, and I studiously ignored one another. Ryan’s face was always set, as though he wanted to spit at me or yell at me, but he’d frozen it
instead so as not to show how much he hated me. Gavin kept letting his eyes wander to me, and then he would look away quickly. I could sometimes feel his eyes on my back or see him staring at me out of the corner of my eye, but I ignored him.

  We took extra care with the chores, and Wade’s inspection was still harsh. He yelled at Ryan for a few creases in his sheets. He pointed out a few spots of dust I’d missed. Satisfied we had cleaned enough, he let us line up for breakfast.

  As I left, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Someone trod on my heels, and I turned and saw Gavin. I gave him a dirty look. “What?”

  “Can you just talk to me for a second?”

  “No, I can’t.”

  His face fell, but he reached out and grabbed my shirt as I began to walk away.

  “Let go of me,” I ordered him.

  He did, but I turned and crossed my arms over my chest. “What?”

  He steeled himself. “I just thought you should know the truth.”

  “About what?”

  Gavin flicked his eyes to the other boys, who were passing by us with curious glances thrown in our direction. They undoubtedly wanted to listen in. Once they were gone, he said, “About what Ryan was planning.”

  “I don’t want to know.”

  “No, I mean about me.”

  “What? That you were baiting me? That you were going to lure me in to get hurt? That you lied about being friends with him? That you lied about being okay with me being trans? Save it, Alex told me the truth.”

  It was satisfying to watch the blood drain from his face. With bloodless lips he said, “No, that’s not what I was doing. I wasn’t going to do it. I didn’t think that…”

  “Really?” I was unconvinced.

  “Yes, really,” he said, anger suddenly transforming his face. “Ryan was ordering me to do it, otherwise he would out me to my parents. My dad…” He slammed his mouth shut, but I caught a quiver of his lip.

  “And I should care?”

  “Because I wasn’t going to do it!” He half shouted it and looked around furtively to make sure no one had heard him. “You must not have heard the part where I was arguing with him.”

  It was true I hadn’t heard the entire conversation. Ryan had been the loudest speaker, and I’d only made out what he’d said and mumbles from everyone else. But it didn’t matter. “You should have told someone about it. I could have been hurt. You lied to me.”

  “I know! I didn’t get a chance to tell anyone! That was the first time he’d said anything about doing…that. And I hadn’t lied…just…”

  I didn’t want to let him finish the excuse. I didn’t care why he and Ryan had been making fun of me. “Why were you hanging around him anyway?”

  “Because he was my only friend for a long time. He’s an asshole, but he’s sometimes nice.”

  “Gavin, that’s not a reason to stay friends with people,” I said. “That’s called abuse, you know? And why would you laugh along with him when he made fun of me? Of me being trans?”

  He whitened again, his freckles standing out starkly against his pale skin. I felt empathy creeping in, and I didn’t want it. I felt bad for him—that he stayed with someone who was clearly abusing him, blackmailing him, but he had allowed it. He’d enabled Ryan’s bad treatment of others, was a bystander to their pain. He had laughed along with him, even though he knew it was wrong.

  “I know,” he mumbled. “But I don’t have anyone else.”

  “I wonder why?”

  I was done with this conversation. I pushed past him and went to join the others. Almost everyone had lined up to go down the mountain, and I found Wade and Alex and stuck by them rather than be anywhere near Gavin, who moped along after me.

  At breakfast, Alex, Ella, and I sat together. Lily and Nick were sitting with some other friends, so we had our side of the table to ourselves. To my consternation, Gavin sat down at the end of the table, a few seats away. Damn him.

  “Are you ready for tonight?” Ella asked brightly as she passed me a croissant and then the butter.

  I looked at Alex, who nodded. “I think so,” I replied. “If we can get in one more practice, we’ll be good.”

  “Do you think they’ll let us skip afternoon activities?” Alex asked. “Or Quiet Time?”

  Ella shrugged. “Activities aren’t required. I mean, they’re strongly encouraged, because the counselors have to keep an eye on people in groups. But I think if Lars is with you, you don’t have to do activities.”

  We planned on that, vowing to check with Lars after breakfast to see.

  After the meal, the morning activity we all signed up for was watercolor painting. I thought it would be boring, but Ella and Alex had both wanted to do it, so I went along with them.

  We set up at the tables in Lincoln Lodge, and it was Angela again who was the counselor for the morning. She passed out paper and paint sets. It was then I noticed Gavin was there, too.

  I nudged Ella and pointed him out. “He’s been trying to get back into my good graces,” I whispered.

  She looked over, saw Gavin, and frowned. “What’s he been doing?”

  “He tried to tell me the ‘truth’ about what he and Ryan had been planning.”

  “Well, was it the truth?” Ella asked. Alex was watching us with wide eyes, leaning in so he could hear our whispered conversation.

  “How can you say that?” I stabbed my brush into the water and then into the red paint. We were supposed to do whatever came to mind, and all I could think about was how angry I was at Gavin. And now Ella might be defending him?

  “Well, you did only hear part of the conversation,” Ella said, and I suddenly wanted to be anywhere else other than here. How could she be saying this to me?

  “So?”

  “So? What if he is telling the truth?”

  “Then he’s an asshole for not saying something to someone about it.”

  “Did he have a chance? Did he say he was going to turn Ryan in?”

  I jabbed my brush into the yellow, not caring I had smeared a big streak of red into it. I didn’t answer.

  Ella eyed me, clucking her tongue. “Casey, I know this mood. You didn’t even give Gavin a chance, did you?”

  “Why should I?”

  My voice was getting too loud, and a couple people, including Gavin, looked over at me. In a lower voice, I asked it again, “Why should I?”

  “Because it’s the right thing to do?” Ella said, and Alex nodded.

  “I don’t believe this. You’re defending him! Both of you.”

  “No, I’m not,” Ella slammed her brush down and glared at me. “If Gavin knew that Ryan was going to hurt you, and was going to turn him in, that’s something. You interrupted their meeting. You didn’t give Gavin a chance to explain. You didn’t even give him a chance to apologize to you.”

  “They were going to beat me up for being trans, Ella. I don’t need an apology from him. Ryan and Gavin were laughing about me being trans. Alex heard them.”

  Alex squirmed in his seat.

  “An apology from Ryan, no, you don’t need that. But if Gavin wasn’t going to be involved, then you’ve vilified him for no reason.” She turned to Alex and asked, “Did you actually hear Gavin say those things, or was he just there when Ryan said them?”

  I couldn’t believe this. Before Alex could answer, I said, “Vilified?”

  Sometimes I hated Ella for always being so reasonable, for sounding so adult. Occasionally, she acted more like a parent than a friend, and those were the only times we ever fought. It looked like this was going to be one of those times.

  “Yes, vilified. He likes you, Casey. You can still see it. I mean look at him.” She waved her brush in his direction. I didn’t look. “If he said that he was going to turn in Ryan, then maybe he was. Maybe Ryan pulled him in against his will.”

  Gavin had said as much, but the nasty part of me didn’t want to admit that to Ella. It would only prove her point and make her even more insufferable. I stayed sil
ent, loathing myself for it. But damn it, I wanted to be mad at Gavin. I wanted to hate him. He’d betrayed me and lied to me. It was quite possible he hadn’t been planning on turning Ryan in, but I had no proof.

  Ella knew I was holding something back. She narrowed her eyes at me and set her jaw in that way I knew so well. We could read each other like books, and she saw the deception written all over my face. I felt my skin burn in a blush.

  “Why do you hate him so much?” Ella shook her head, apparently meaning it as a rhetorical question, because she turned away and concentrated on her painting. She was done with the conversation, and from the set of her shoulders, I knew I wouldn’t be able to argue with her further.

  My painting had become a spreading mess of red, orange, and yellow paint. It felt strangely symbolic.

  WE HAD LUNCH and then set it up with Lars to practice during Quiet Time. Unfortunately, the only place where we could meet was cabin one. Both lodges were being used for afternoon activities, so they were off-limits as the counselors set up for them. We obviously couldn’t practice in our cabin, where everyone was resting.

  So we trooped down to cabin one, which was far enough away we shouldn’t disturb anyone. Alex and I followed Lars as he unlocked the door and let us in.

  I half expected it to be scary or creepy, considering what Ryan had wanted to do to me there, but it was just another cabin. There were only four bunks instead of five, and they held only bare mattresses. There was a closet that was open but empty as well. It was like any of the others, only deserted. Everything was dustier, though, as it obviously hadn’t been cleaned in a while. Footprints marred the carpet of dirt on the floor.

  Lars, who was wearing a fluffy green cardigan and violently orange corduroy pants, actually had some good pointers as he listened to us practice. I’d thought we were doing pretty well, but now we sounded downright good. If only my voice were deeper…

  After Quiet Time, we were allowed to skip our afternoon activities as long as we stayed in our own cabin. I’d considered it, because I was still mad at Ella, but decided I could use some dodgeball to work off some steam.

  I bid Alex goodbye, since he was going to go nap, and trekked down the mountain once more. The field was already full of kids starting up a tug-of-war game, and the pavilion was also full. A lot of people had signed up for dodgeball, and I wondered if we had too many to play effectively.