Inconvenient Wife

by Natasha Boyd

  “None taken. So tell me about the tour guide.” I’m desperate to talk about Gwen, but I don’t even know where to start, so I may as well help Trystan with his girl issue since he brought it up first. Suddenly, I’m just so freaking happy he’s back. I lay my hand on his shoulder and squeeze .

  “I need a drink first,” says Trystan. “And it’s Emmy. Her name’s Emmy .”

  I flag Euan down and after a brief introduction where Euan and Trystan bond over England, I order us both a local craft beer .

  “So I’m assuming things progressed between you?” I ask when we have our drinks .

  Trystan takes a sip of his beer. “You could say that. I find myself in an unfamiliar situation though. I want … more.” He grimaces. “And I don’t know how to go about getting it .”

  There was that word again … more .

  “I mean, I thought I was the one who could stay detached, not get in too deep. But now I find myself wanting to dive in, and maybe she doesn’t .”

  “Do you think it’s got anything to do with you moving here? I mean, maybe it’s just a temporary feeling ?”

  I almost flinch under the look he shoots my way. “Jeez, sorry.” I put my hands up, laughing. “Okay, okay .”

  “Okay,” he says and rakes a hand through his thick, dark hair. “Let’s just move forward on the assumption this is different than anything that came before. Ever .”

  He looks slightly pained, and I suddenly realize Trystan might actually have fallen for someone. I’ve never actually seen it happen in anything but an over-exaggerated Disney movie. I feel like my eyes might bug out of my head, and I’m instantly quite moved by the realization this actually happens to people in real life. I feel like saying “wow” out loud but settle for taking such a large slug of my amber ale I almost choke .

  Trystan slaps my back. “Relax, it might be terminal, but I don’t think I’m going to die .”

  When I can breathe, I manage a cough to clear my throat. “So this … more thing. What do you mean when you say more ?”

  He shrugs. “I mean there’s hanging out, and sex, obviously. But, I guess, more means I want to see her every morning, I want to discuss pretty much everything with her. She’s hot as fuck of course, but I want to know everything about her. What pushes her buttons, what she likes to eat, watch, do, feel. And I want to be there for every second of it. And I think more means I don’t see an end to that. More means it’ll keep being … more. Keep growing into … more .”

  I stare at him .

  “Look, I know I sound like an idiot. I don’t know how else to explain it .”

  “I think you did just fine .”

  We sit quietly for a second .

  “I don’t want to scare her off,” he says .

  “Why would you do that? You don’t think she feels the same way ?”

  “I think she does but either doesn’t realize it, or it freaked her out. She hasn’t had the best experiences with people wanting her around. She was in the foster care system for most of her formative years. But despite that, she’s the least bitter person I can imagine coming out of that. She’s so grateful for the people she has. So positive. But maybe she thinks she doesn’t deserve more than that? I don’t know .”

  “Sounds like you need to tell her you understand why she’s scared and that you’ll make allowances for it. I mean you’re nervous too, right? I would be .”

  He nods. “I am and I’m not. I can’t explain it. I feel so damn sure about it, that there’s no room to feel nervous. Except if I thought she didn’t feel the same .”

  “Does she have some friends you could maybe find out from? Or who could put in a good word for you ?”

  He grins. “Since she had my phone, I do have a few of those numbers she put in there. I could reach out.” Then he frowns. “At least I hope they saved to the cloud because I smashed my phone the other day in New York. Some asshole ran into me and sent my phone and my coffee flying. Anyway, I’m giving her a few days to think, then I’m going in .”

  “Used to getting what you want, huh ?”

  “You could say that .”

  We order two more beers, and I notice a table out on the deck has opened up. I’d rather talk about my situation with Gwen out of the wagging ears of Euan, or Alice if she shows up. She’s probably still ogling the wife applications .

  I convince Trystan to move with the promise of a view .

  “So what’s the latest on finding a wife?” Trystan asks, popping some peanuts into his mouth as we settle in .

  I get him up to speed on as much as I can, including the argument I just had with Gwen, and the stack of potential wives I probably have hitting my inbox as we speak. I hesitate to tell him about the kiss though. For now I keep it to myself. When I get done telling him almost everything thoroughly and honestly, Trystan is quiet and contemplative .

  Finally, he takes a long sip of his beer and sets it down .

  “Beau,” he says. “I think Gwen is in love with you .”

  16

  Beau

  I laugh so hard my eyes begin to prick with tears .

  “God, you are priceless, Trystan,” I say when I can finally find my breath. “Now that you’ve been hit with the love stick, you’re seeing it everywhere .”

  Trystan throws a peanut at my head. “Just calling it like I see it, arsehole .”

  “Gwen and I have been friends for a long time. I promise you, I’d have picked up on something if she felt that way. Besides she’s been seeing some guy in the military for a few years now .”

  “Serious, are they ?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t think so because they hardly ever see each other, but he’s coming in town this week. She seems ecstatic about it .”

  “That doesn’t mean anything .”

  “Whatever, Dr. Love .”

  “So are you going to check out these women that responded to the ad?” He nods at my phone .

  “I want to, but I’m a bit nervous. What if one of them is a hulking, three-hundred-pound, ax-wielding murderer named Trevor, who’s cat-fishing me ?”

  “Read a few to me. I’ll see if I pick up on anything dodgy .”

  I swipe my phone open and click open the emails. “How about you actually come with me as protection .”

  “Um, no.” He sips his beer. “I have plans to rearrange my sock drawer. But thanks anyway .”

  “I’ll remember that, asshole,” I grumble and pull up the emails. Daisy has very kindly put a name of the applicant in the subject line of each forwarded message. “Delilah,” I start .

  “Not bad. It’s a cute name. Like that song. Go on .”

  “Let’s see. Delilah, sixty-seven years ol—no .”

  Trystan barks out a laugh. “Come on. Don’t be ageist. I know some smoking hot women who are in their sixties .”

  “Would you bang them?” I ask, unamused .

  He lifts his shoulders, smirking at me .

  “This isn’t funny. And no you wouldn’t .”

  “It’s fucking hilarious. And neither are you going to be banging them, right? Isn’t that the point ?”

  I cast my eyes back to my phone and frown. “True. But I can’t bring someone home to a family dinner who’s closer to Grandmother’s age .”

  “Why?” He laughs again. “You were just telling me how lonely she is. You can bring her a friend .”

  “Stop punching holes in my case. You should have been a lawyer. Okay. Moving on. Sandra, no age given, feels like she’d be doing a good deed, and God told her when she was a child that one day she would devote her life in service to someone she didn’t know. And that it would change the world .”

  Trystan snorted .

  “Yeah, I think not .”

  “And these are the vetted ones ?”

  “Yep.”

  “I can’t believe you are taking these seriously .”

  “I don’t have much choice. I need a marriage certificate.” I don’t tell him about gettin
g a loan from the bank because I’m worried he’ll feel pressured into giving me a loan himself. And if there’s one thing I know never to do, it’s borrow money from friends or family. Trystan and I have only just found each other again after his mother was ostracized from the family when Trystan was a teenager, I’m not doing one thing to upset the balance of our newly rediscovered friendship .

  “Are you sure you don’t want to reexamine your feelings for Gwen ?”

  “Shut up about Gwen already .”

  “I’m just saying … she wants sex and kids, right ?”

  “Yeah,” I say patiently .

  “So give those to her. You want kids eventually anyway, right ?”

  I hate the sensation that snakes through my gut at Trystan’s words. I rake my fingers through my hair and blow out a breath. “I’ve already pissed her off. Apparently I insulted her by asking. I’m not doing it again .”

  “But have you offered her sex? I mean is she still cute? Could you go there ?”

  Cute? She’s gorgeous. I instantly replay our kiss from earlier, and before I can stuff that ill-gotten memory into the tight vault where it needs to forget the light of day, it has my pulse racing and my cock hardening. In public. Christ. I should never have found out what it was like to kiss her. Get a grip, Montgomery. “She’s fine,” I say tightly. “Just drop it .”

  Trystan takes my phone and starts scrolling through the emails. “This one,” he says. “Call her right now and tell her to come down here. Look, she even sent a picture .”

  I look at my phone. “She looks seventeen. No .”

  Trystan takes the phone back. “No, she doesn’t .”

  “Fine. What’s her story ?”

  “Needs a place to live so she can move out of home while she studies.” He looks over the top of the phone at me. “She’s twenty-two, has a small dog who’s house-trained, would be willing to cook and do laundry too .”

  “God. Basically, I’d be married to my housekeeper .”

  “There are worse situations. And this will make me sound jaded — ”

  “You are jaded .”

  He rolled his eyes and went on. “But having someone younger might mean she’s less jaded and easier to get along with .”

  “You’ve had some bad relationship situations with older women, have you? The sixty-year-old ?”

  “Fuck off. And I haven’t had any real relationships. Not really. Until now .”

  “And you’re not even in one yet. Okay, hand the phone over .”

  Trystan types out something on my phone .

  “What are you doing?” I scowl .

  “Texting her. She left her number .”

  “Give me that. I can do it .”

  He holds it out of the way. “I don’t trust you. You’re stalling .”

  “I’m not.” Okay, maybe I was for a few days, hoping Gwen would help me out. But now I am all business .

  “What are you saying?” I ask .

  “I’m asking if she’s free to meet tonight .”

  I make a lunge, but Trystan is too fast. “Christ, what are we? Twelve?” I complain .

  “Incoming,” Trystan says as he stops and stares at the phone. “This ?” He holds up the screen to face me, his eyebrows raised. “This is Gwen all grown up ?”

  Last year, when I got my new smart phone I set up a profile picture I had of Gwen when we were out on a boat her dad had just finished in the fall. We had to deliver it down to the port in Savannah. The weather was cold, and she was all bundled up in a pale cable-knit sweater, her hair flying in the wind and laughing at something I’d just said. It’s a great picture, I admit. The call goes to voicemail, and she disappears as the screen goes back to normal .

  “Jesus, Beau,” says Trystan, shaking his head incredulously. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to advise you growing up, because dude, you basically got friend-zoned by the hottest girl in town .”

  “Advise me? You’re only, like, less than a year older than me .”

  “Oh my son, so much experience can fit into but a few months,” he says, shaking his head in mock dismay .

  “Shut it. Did you text that girl? And is there maybe a faint chance I can get my phone back anytime soon?” I’d really like to know why Gwen is calling me for a start. I thought she wouldn’t be speaking to me after what happened today .

  Trystan hands my phone to me reluctantly. A text pops up .

  Gracie: Your grandmother came by the shop and left Eileen with me. Said she was tired of her. There’s a special place for her, I’ll tell you …

  I glance up at Trystan. “Give me a second ?”

  “Go for it. Heading to the can .”

  A special place for who? Eileen? What she do ?

  Gracie: Your grandmother !

  I know. Kidding. And sorry. I told Isabel I needed her to watch Eileen while I went to the bank. That was this morning. Whoops .

  So are you speaking to me after today? I send another text before she even answers .

  Gracie: No.

  I growl.

  I’m so sorry.

  Gracie: Just come and get Eileen before ten .

  Unknown number: Sure, I know where Alice’s is. I’ll meet you there in about an hour .

  I almost drop the phone. “Trystan, Godammit .”

  He slides back into his seat as if summoned. “You called .”

  “I don’t even know this woman’s name and you invited her here? Tonight ?”

  “Beau, I love you, man. But quit stalling. Let’s work through the list and find someone. What? You want to plan a fancy romantic date for two weeks’ time? No. You need to just weed through them and get this done .”

  “You’re right. I know .”

  “I’m always right. You make a decision, you act on it. Done. If I’d run my business the way you’re acting about this, I’d never have made it .”

  “This isn’t business in the true sense .”

  “Yes. It is. Don’t muddy the waters, Beau .”

  “I know.” I sigh .

  “In all seriousness, I know I was jerking you about Gwen, but it’s better that you don’t go there. Too many emotions. Keep it clean and all business. I’ll have my attorney draft you a prenup and marriage contract .”

  “I appreciate it.” I nod, but in agreeing with him about keeping it clean, I’m also acknowledging what I’ve been denying non-stop, that there actually is something there more than friendship with Gwen. But taking the lid of that box to examine it, scares me shitless .

  17

  Gwen

  I was hot and tired. It was almost nine, and I wanted to go home and go to bed. Working by myself on the boat was not fun at all .

  I’d told my dad to take it easy while he was recovering from his pneumonia and working late into the night every evening wasn’t helping him get better. He didn’t put up much of a fight over it either. Which was … out of character. Maybe he thought Beau would have been here with me .

  Eileen whined from her spot curled by the door to the office. I think she would have preferred to be inside the office with better air-conditioning, but she also wanted to keep an eye on me. Or so I wanted to think .

  The better guess was she was wondering where Beau was .

  “You know what we need, girl?” I asked the dog, taking a break from rubbing and vacuuming every inch of the boat to get ready for varnish. “What’s that you ask? Well, I think we need a long drink of water and maybe …” I tapped my chin thoughtfully, “Something to wake us up. Put a little spring in our step. Give us a second wind. Nope, not drugs, Eileen. Ha. I can’t believe your mind went there. I’m thinking Abba! Sorry, what did you say? You love Abba? I knew you had good taste .”

  I drifted over to the dusty boombox and fingered through the shoe box of cassettes. “Here you are. Abba’s greatest hits. It’s a little whiny on track two. But the rest is gold. Gold, get it? It’s called Abba Gold?” I sighed. “Yeah, never mind. No one even knows what a cassette is anymore. Grant
ed, I shouldn’t … but they are just so cool. So deliberate. There’s no skipping to the track you want. Can you imagine the thought the musician and the record execs put into the order of tracks?” I shook my head. “No one really gets that anymore. Not really .”

  I pressed play and the upbeat strains of “Dancing Queen” started up. I spun around. “Time to dance, Eileen,” I called with a laugh .

  Eileen hauled herself up onto three legs and hopped around yapping at my game. I think she thought I was certified crazy, but I didn’t care .

  “Knowing me, knowing you,” I yelled during the next song and pointed at her with the vacuum hose as I marched back and forth down the length of the boat, working inefficiently but having infinitely more fun .

  Eileen eventually got bored by my weird human behavior and sat down to watch me, her head cocked to one side .

  It was while I was crooning “The Winner Takes It All,” which I admitted to Eileen got me choked up at times, that she leapt up and raced, barking, to the door .

  We had company .

  Beau entered and crouched down, greeting Eileen who practically tried climbing up his body .

  Oh Eileen, to be so free to express your devotion .

  Typical that Beau would show up during this one song. I jogged over and turned down the volume knob on the boombox .

  “Hey,” I said .

  “Having fun?” He grinned at me, his eyebrow raised and his eyes twinkling. He looked so happy to see me for a moment, I forgot we’d argued .

  I smiled back. “Oh, you know I like to show Eileen a good time. In case she ever wants to come live with me.” I lifted a shoulder .

  “‘The Winner Takes It All’? This song gets you moody. You okay ?”

  Before I could answer, a weird sound started up, like a tiny whining motor. I looked around .

  “Oh shit,” Beau said just as a small brown furry rocket darted into the boat house so fast, Eileen yelped in fear, and I started in surprise .