by Sky Corgan
“Why? Am I dirty to you now or something? Do you not want to be around me anymore?” I snapped.
“Kim, you know that's not it.” He gave me a wounded look. “I just thought you'd need some time to recover. This place can't have good memories for you right now.”
“Oh.”
Now that I thought about it, he was right. I was still afraid of Jeff returning, though far more afraid of Dominick watching that video. Fear and tension hung heavy in the room. At Tammy's house, the atmosphere would be much lighter—much less threatening, but I couldn't bear the thought of leaving Dominick's side.
“You should get some sleep. I know it's been a long night,” he said gently.
“What about you?”
“I'm going to stay up until I can get someone to come fix and change the locks on the door.”
I pushed off the wall and wrapped my arms around myself. If I went to sleep, he'd watch the video. There was no doubt in my mind. But the truth was that I was exhausted, and I couldn't stay up forever.
“Dom.”
“Hm?”
“Don't watch the video.”
“What?”
“The surveillance video. Don't watch it. I had to do some . . . unpleasant things to get away.”
I could see his body stiffen as I spoke and could only imagine the thoughts going through his mind. He inhaled a sharp breath and then let it out slowly, taking a few steps towards me before reaching to draw me into a tight embrace.
“I don't care what you had to do,” he whispered soothingly into my hair. “All I care about is that you're okay. If anything would have happened to you, I never would have been able to forgive myself.”
I rested my head against his shoulder. Then I felt him trembling, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. He was crying. I couldn't see it or hear it, but I knew it.
Strange emotions rolled through me as he held me tightly. It had been a long time since I'd seen Dominick cry, and I honestly wasn't sure how to react, so I simply stood there, feeling my own eyes well up. Why did I have to cry just because he was? Because our bodies were so in tune? Because I knew how guilty that he felt for leaving me alone?
“It's okay,” I told him. “This wasn't your fault.”
“It was my fault,” he murmured. “I should have never left you alone with him.”
“You didn't know.”
“I should have known,” his voice was laced with disgust.
“You're not psychic.”
“I should have known.”
We held each other for a few more minutes until the trembling stopped, and I heard Dominick sniffle loudly. Then he let me go, turning away from me quickly to go into his office as if he wanted to hide that he was crying. It was too late though; I already knew.
I decided to make things easier for both of us by going to bed. When I stepped into the bedroom though, a sickness consumed me from the memory of what had happened. This room that I had so desperately wanted to make my own was tainted now. The bed was stained with fear and remorse. I didn't want to touch it, but I didn't want to make Dominick feel more uncomfortable by trying to stay up with him, so I forced myself to cross the distance and set myself down on the messy sheets. At their touch on my backside, my heart rate sped up. This was no good.
Feeling guilty, I went to the master bathroom to get some towels, piled them up on the floor into a pallet, took Dominick's pillow from his side of the bed, and curled up to sleep on the floor. Hopefully, he wouldn't be too upset when he found me like that.
I woke to the feel of Dominick's strong arms around me. As I roused, I realized that he was picking me up to carry me. He took me into my old bedroom and laid me down, informing me that he had changed the sheets on the bed. I wasn't sure if I was happy or not, but I decided to thank him for it regardless. He looked horrible, with bags under his blood shot eyes. I didn't want to stress him out anymore by seeming ungrateful.
The day passed in a fit of consciousness and sleep and silent crying. Every time I woke, I worried that Dominick had watched the surveillance video. I was pretty sure he had, even though I had told him not to. No doubt, he would be curious. And could I really blame him? If something similar had happened to him, would I be able to exercise self-control? Probably not.
At some point during the day, I heard a ruckus in the living room that startled me awake. My heart pounded in my chest from fear of some altercation—from fear that Jeff had come back. But when I peaked around the corner, I saw that it was just Dominick mounting a new front door, and I relaxed and returned to my room. I would be jumpy for a while. How long would it take for me to heal from this?
The answer was a long time. The weekend passed and we went back to our normal routine, still both shaken and on edge from what had happened. The police never found Jeff, which only made things worse. How far could he have possibly gone on foot?
Dominick didn't invite me back into his bedroom, which made me sad but relieved at the same time, if that even makes sense. Every time I looked inside of it, the memory of being held down and nearly raped played through my mind like a horror movie. I feared I would never get over it.
I wasn't the only one who was damaged from the incident though. Dominick's complete disposition changed. He was still affectionate, but emotionally distant, and he seemed melancholy most days. There was a new divide between us, and it was quickly chipping me away. It didn't make things any better that he continued to suggest that I move in with Tammy on an almost daily basis. He said it was because he thought I'd have an easier time getting over what had happened if I removed myself from the scene of the crime. I insisted that it wasn't something a little therapy couldn't solve, so he immediately scheduled an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist.
It felt like in a single night the world had been turned upside down. My mind was now filled with irrational fears. I hated to be touched by anyone. Even feeling Dominick's hands upon me made me cringe at times.
The intimacy between us died. In fact, he didn't even try to have sex with me anymore. I realized that I was sensitive, but he was being so distant that it felt like he was purposely trying to push me away. His touch was uncomfortable, but I at least wanted him to try. I needed him to try. He didn't though, and I eventually just accepted that it was going to take us both a while to heal, that things would get better. They had to. They couldn't get much worse.
Tammy started coming over every day to make sure I was okay, and that I had everything I needed. She treated Dominick coldly, and every time I saw them interact it sent sparks of pain to my heart. I didn't want her to hate him. This wasn't his fault, but she couldn't seem to understand that. She had to point the blame somewhere, and he was the easiest target.
“Dominick is doing everything he can to make this better,” I told her one afternoon in my room.
“He wouldn't have to make it better if he hadn't let that hooligan in here in the first place,” she replied in disgust.
“You can't blame him for not knowing.”
“I can, Kim. You don't understand. If I would have lost you because of his stupidity . . .”
She stayed angry at Dominick, and I couldn't seem to fix it. All I could do was serve as a connecting barrier between them, the person who loved them both wholeheartedly. We'd all get through this, somehow.
Even Victor was supportive, though he seemed more interested in talking about the effect that the incident had on my relationship than anything else. I told him about how Dominick kept trying to pressure me to move in with Tammy, and that I wasn't sure what to do anymore. He was inclined to agree that it would be smarter for me to get away from the condo. Maybe everyone knew what was better for me. They all seemed to be in agreement; I was the one resisting.
“Do you think that Jeff will actually find Tammy and tell her about you and Dominick?” Victor asked one day at lunch.
“I don't know, and I really don't care,” I groaned.
“You obviously do care. You've always cared.”
“She wouldn't listen to him. She'd just call the police.”
“Surely, she has to be suspicious at this point. What other reason would you have for not wanting to leave Dominick after that happened to you.”
“I suppose you're right.” I thought about it for a moment. “I just hope things return to how they were before soon.”
“They probably never will. That was a pretty big deal.”
“I know,” I sighed. “Sometimes I feel like I cause Dominick more trouble than I'm worth.”
“You two could always break up, you know? I wouldn't mind filling the gap.”
“Was that a joke?”
“I don't know. Was it?” He gave me a strange look, his hazel eyes opening wide.
I laughed. “You know, I had the weirdest dream about the two of you kissing. It was so realistic.”
“I'm just saying that you're not entirely wrong. I'm sure there are better people for him than you.”
“Well that's a nasty thing to say.” My mood quickly took a turn. “You're supposed to be my friend. Saying things like that doesn't help.”
“You value my friendship because I'm honest. You'd be better off without each other.”
Those words echoed through my brain throughout the rest of the day. Would we be better off without each other? Our relationship was definitely tumultuous. I didn't want to think about that though. I loved Dominick with every fiber of my being. We had made it through a lot of other bumps in the road. We'd get through this too.
Things didn't seem to be getting better though. Dominick was distant all throughout the week. When I'd come home, he'd be in his office typing away and would barely say hello to me. We'd eat our meals together, but he'd never ask me anything more than how my day was going. The awkward silence killed me, but I didn't know what to fill it with.
I was absolutely elated when he told me he wanted to take me out to dinner on Friday night. Maybe he was finally coming out of his depressed spell and was going to make an effort to try to put things back to the way they were. It had been a while since we'd gone out on a date together, so this had to mean something.
When he picked me up from school on Friday, however, there was no smile on his face. He asked how my day had gone, the same as he did every day, and then we drove to the restaurant in awkward silence. While there was no conversation in the car, my mind was completely swimming, wondering what was wrong. Perhaps he had a bad day, and that was affecting his mood. He didn't seem more miserable or happy than usual though.
We pulled up in front of the restaurant, and I smiled as I took his arm. His body stiffened at my touch, and guilt raced through me. Maybe I wasn't the only one who didn't like being touched anymore.
We waited to be seated at a booth, and I tried to keep an upbeat attitude, hoping that I could eventually turn his mood around. Dominick wouldn't even glance in my direction. He grabbed his menu and propped it up so that I couldn't see his eyes, looking completely immersed it in, as if we hadn't been to the restaurant dozens of times before. He was acting strange, and I was quickly becoming sick of it.
“Listen, we need to talk,” I began after the waitress had taken our order.
“Yes, we do,” he replied, still avoiding my eyes.
“I know things have been different with us lately, because of what happened,” I said, feeling uncomfortable for even bringing up the incident. “But we're going to get through this. You're just going to have to learn to let me in more, and I'm going to have to learn to let you in more. All we have is each other.”
“No. You have Tammy too.”
“Tammy and I have already discussed this at length. My relationship with Tammy is fine. It's our relationship that I'm worried about.”
Dominick bite his bottom lip nervously. “That's what I want to talk about.”
“Whatever you need me to do to help us get through this, I'm willing to do.”
“I want to break up.”
His words caught me completely off guard. It was like being punched right in the face. The blood vessels in my head throbbed, making me feel dizzy. I couldn't have possibly heard him right.
“What?” I asked stupidly.
“This isn't working anymore. I want to break up,” his voice was steady and firm.
Tears spilled down my chin. Suddenly, every part of me ached, the room was too hot, and I felt my voice disappear inside of me. I sat in stunned silence for several moments, simply staring at the condensation on my beverage, waiting for my lips to start working again.
“Why?” I sputtered, unable to hide my frustration. “Is it because of the video? Did you watch the video? Do you think I'm dirty now? Is that it?”
“No. I don't find you dirty.”
“You watched the video though, didn't you?” I looked at him with accusing eyes, my fists shaking against the top of the table.
“Perhaps this wasn't the best place to do this.” He glanced into the restaurant to see if anyone was watching us.
“You're damn right this wasn't the best place to do this. Is there something wrong with you?” I growled.
“Obviously.” He turned his attention back to the table, still refusing to meet my gaze.
“You watched the video, didn't you?”
“I did watch the video.”
“And that's why you want to break up,” I huffed, unable to stand looking at him anymore. Even though I had been the victim, he was making me suffer more. Maybe he wasn't the man I thought he was after all. That disappointed me, but more than that, I was angry. How could he possibly do this to me only two weeks after I'd suffered such a traumatic incident, one that was partially his fault.
I stewed internally, realizing that in my rage, I was finally blaming him. It was his fault. Everything was his fault. I hated him. But more than that, I hated that he could discard me so easily just for protecting myself.
Everything inside me melted then, and I fell into a fit of sobs, not caring who was watching or how big of a scene I was making. My life felt like it had ended in that one sentence. I want to break up. When the realization of those words hit me, I wanted to die. My heart was shattered and bleeding. I was completely destroyed.
“Calm down,” Dominick said. “We'll get you packed up after this, and I'll take you to Tammy's.”
“I don't want to go,” I whimpered like a child, feeling small and selfish. “I love you, Dominick. If I had known this was going to happen . . . I wish Jeff would have just killed me.”
I was sobbing and shaking so badly that I barely even felt Dominick slide into the booth beside me. He wrapped his arms around me, but his touch was absolutely repulsive. It wasn't like before, being afraid to be touched because I had been violated. This was different. The unpleasantness rolled through me because I knew he was holding me out of pity, not out of love. He shouldn't even be touching me at all. Not when he caused this.
I wanted to struggle away from him, but through my tears, I was ever aware of everyone staring at us. Some of them tried not to, eating their food while casting nervous glances in our direction. He was a bastard for doing this to me in public.
“Why?” I cried, trying to keep me voice low. “Why don't you want me anymore? All I've ever done is loved you.”
“Oh, Kim,” his voice changed, and I could feel him nuzzling his face against my hair, which only made me hate him more. “It's not that I don't want you. I just . . . I failed you. I failed you, and I can't live with that. Tammy was right. What happened to you was my fault. I knew Jeff was bad, but I let him into our lives anyway. I thought I could help him, that I could fix him. I was wrong, and you paid for my mistake.
“It's not safe for you to be with me anymore, and it's not right. The relationship is hard on you. I know you try to act like it's not, but I can see that it is. You don't want to tell Tammy about us, and I do understand. She won't accept us. We both know that's why you haven't told her. But she'll find out eventually. And when she does . . . I don't want you to have to choose
between us. She hates me now, rightfully, for what happened to you. I can see it in her eyes. That only makes things worse.” He paused for moment. “We both want the same things for you, for you to be happy and enjoy life. Being with me, you're denied so many experiences that you could be having with someone your own age. I'm not good for you. You might not see that now, but you eventually will, and then you'll leave on your own. I'm just saving you the trouble.”
I coughed, catching my breath and taking a second to process what he said. “So, you're breaking up with me because you're worried that I'll eventually break up with you?” I quirked an eyebrow.
“I'm breaking up with you because it's the right thing to do.”
“Are you a fucking moron?” my voice rose an octave, drawing everyone's attention to us again.
“I've made a lot of mistakes with you, Kim, mistakes I can't come back from.”
“Why? Why can't you come back from them? I'm letting you come back. Good God, you're so fucking selfish sometimes.” I held my face in my hands, feeling my cheeks burning from a mix of anger and heartache. “Haven't you even once stopped to think about what I want?”
“I'm not thinking about what you want. I'm thinking about what you need.”
“I need you. I need you, Dominick. You're all I've ever wanted, all I've ever needed. If you can't see how much I need you after all this time . . . then I don't know what to do to show you.”
“Kim . . . I just don't think it's good for us to be together anymore.”
“Then maybe you shouldn't think, because when you think, you get stupid.” I stared forward, trying to put together the right combination of words to get my point across. “I don't care about what happened with Jeff. I mean, I do care, but not in the sense that you're thinking. Yes, it's easy to point the finger. You probably shouldn't have offered to let him stay with us, but if you hadn't . . . you wouldn't be the man I know and love. You're selfless, Dominick. That's part of why I love you so damned much. You never think about how much things or people will inconvenience you. If you think that you can help someone, you'll go out of your way to try, even if your health and happiness suffers in the process. You've always been that way. When my parents died, you stepped in and sacrificed your time to make sure that Tammy and I could have a family. When I needed somewhere to stay for college, you opened your home to me, even though it messed up your work schedule. And now, this. Maybe it all didn't turn out okay, but everything you've done has been with the best intentions.