1995 - The UnDutchables

by Colin White; Laurie Boucke

  The physical size of Holland allows the bus companies to merge their ideas so that the whole country is divided into numbered travel zones. Tickets are valid for a quantity of travel zones and for a specific time, based on the number of zones crossed. You are free to travel anywhere within the defined multi-zone boundary for that period of time.

  So far it seems simple. To travel from, say, Hilversum to Loosdrecht by bus, you must purchase a ticket for the requisite number of zones. Sorry, but it’s not quite as simple as that. Disregarding season tickets, you have two options:

  Purchase a blank ticket beforehand from a designated shop (post office, tobacconist, train station, etc.). The national strip ticket (strippenkaart) is divided into a number of lateral strips. A strip ticket can be used on any bus, tram or metro in the country. All you need to do is correctly stamp it in one of the yellow boxes provided, or ask the driver to do so. Knowing how to stamp the ticket correctly is too complex to explain in this account. In order to take your mind off the traumas of planning the next journey, some strip tickets carry a convenient word puzzle on the reverse.

  Purchase a ticket on board. This is a less desirable method to use, since this ticket is considerably more expensive per zone than one purchased in a shop.

  The national train service (Nederlandse Spoorwegen) has a simpler system whereby you purchase a travel ticket at the point of departure for the journey. To take the boredom out of this mundane task, a range of ticket categories has been introduced which will defy the most adept financial wizard. In fact, the matter has become so complex that Nederlandse Spoorwegen has issued a travel/price guide on diskettes (DOS and Windows platforms) to give the potential traveller a fighting chance at getting a fair deal on the journey price. To use the Reisplanner program, you enter the starting point and destination and the date and time of travel, and it will display your ticket options—with prices. Thus if you are touring the country, a laptop computer will serve you well as an addition to the other items you will need. (See ‘What to Take,’ this chapter.) On a grander scale, computerized ‘journey planners’ using touch screens to access nationwide public transport databases are being installed at bus and railway stations—all for a country where you can travel the full perimeter in 24 hours.

  When you join the train-ticket queue, you will notice a curious sight. After purchasing a ticket, the average cloggy takes one side-step (usually to the left) and spends a few moments fiddling before departing with a satisfied look. Foreigners might think the side-step is part of the ticket purchasing process. Wrong. The cloggies (male or female) are merely organizing and taking an inventory of their coin purses, and putting their tickets into their handbags.

  Until 1985, tickets were rarely inspected on urban transport. In 1985 it became apparent that the honour system had failed since the transport companies were losing a lot of money.

  Groups of inspectors were introduced. At first, the controllers frequently dressed in plain clothes. This uniform was soon eliminated by the democratic Dutch who complained that a zwart (‘black,’ fare-evading) passenger should have a fair chance to escape. Now the controller-teams consist of groups of uniformed youngsters (in their teens or early 20’s). A typical team consists of one or two females, one blond Dutchman and a combination of Turks, Surinamese and/or Negroes. These youngsters are often lenient with people who have not stamped their tickets properly.

  However, do not be surprised to witness the youngsters frantically tackling a would-be escapee trying to get out of a metro train when it stops at a station. The controllers may find it necessary to grab the person in question. If he tries to escape from their grasp, the train will be delayed for the duration of the struggle on the platform.

  Eventually the controllers will drag the escapee back into the metro train. The doors then close and the train proceeds as the escapee passionately protests, ‘I haven’t done anything wrong…’

  Still, there were too many zwartrijders for the Nederlandse Spoorwegen who, in retaliation, abandoned the possibility that any passengers had any form of honour. From the start of 1995, all passengers, platform spectators, pimps, passers-by, and pooches from poodles to pit-bulls had to pre-purchase a ticket. The public characteristically translated this outrage as ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ and used its famed pacificity to engage in on-board Fights and attacks on individual inspectors. Nederlandse Spoorwegen, not wishing to be derailed, responded by teaming inspectors, the cost of which has probably exceeded the losses attributed to zwartrijders in the first place.

  What to Take

  All nationalities have their habits and traits when it comes to public transport, especially on longer journeys. The Russians may take vodka or a chess set. Some nationalities will take their livestock to market on a bus. Instead of taking sheep, chickens and goats with them on public transport, the Dutch like to take their Bicycles, reading matter and at least one very large bunch of flowers for everyone to admire. You can buy a special ticket for your Bicycle. Reading matter and flowers go free of charge since:

  They bring so much joy to the passengers.

  They are an excellent conversation piece.

  Finally, the Dutch love to take dogs on all forms of public transport. Dog tickets are on sale if the dog is too large to fit in your shopping bag or prefers to sit on its own seat.

  Waiting for Public Transport

  Whether you’re waiting for the bus, tram, metro or train, form a compact mass with the others who are waiting, and do so as soon as the vehicle appears in the distance. When it arrives, block the doors so the exiting passengers cannot leave. Above all, do not move out of the way when the doors open and people attempt to get out, as this might speed things up. After all, you wouldn’t want anyone to get ahead of you in the mob. If, however, you are a passenger waiting to exit, then you have the right to curse the stupid idiots blocking your way.

  In rush hour, there will be enough of you to form an additional blockade. Stand or slowly stroll so as to prevent those who have managed to exit from hurrying to the stairs or escalator, or to a connecting bus or tram. In this ‘pinball’ game, you score points each time someone bumps into you or is otherwise inconvenienced and frustrated by you.

  On-board Activities

  If you want to blend into the local colour, be sure to passionately discuss the favourite topic of the country: guilders.

  It is compulsory for Dutch nationals to complain, whine and express disapproval of subsidy levels, welfare benefits, food prices and the economy in general. However, it is highly inadvisable for non-Dutch to air negative views on Dutch ways.

  If the train is waiting at a stop and it is quiet in the compartment, the mere rattling of a plastic bag is enough to draw the attention of all those within earshot. They’ll immediately stop all present activities in order to try and see what you’re going to pull out of the bag (and probably read whatever is written on the back of the bag).

  Select your reading material to impress whoever happens to sit near you. It is obligatory that the person(s) sitting near you spend a considerable part of the journey studying your reading matter. Depending on their mood, they may do this while holding up their newspaper as if they are reading it, by casually glancing up from their book or by just blatantly staring. It keeps them happy—they are studying free of charge.

  These days, you see people carrying personal computer books with pride, even though they may have no interest in, and little understanding of, personal computers. Before the mid-1980’s, there was much resistance to computer technology among the Dutch. Consequently, computer books were frowned upon; indeed, the average cloggy wouldn’t be caught dead with a personal computer book. If you were one of the few who did choose to read on that taboo topic, you would have done so at your own risk and certainly only if the seats near you were empty.

  If you choose to write instead of read, their curiosity will double.

  Behaviour

  Rules of behaviour on public transport are deeply ingrained in
the Dutch. If you do not want to offend them, please observe the following:

  If you are one of the first to enter the vehicle, spread your belongings out across the adjoining seat(s). Then stretch your legs out to block access to vacant seats. The rule is to sit in the aisle seat whenever the window seat is not occupied. If someone comes along looking for a place to sit, ignore him/her by looking away, reading a newspaper or pretending to be asleep.

  It is allowed to vacate seats for elderly/handicapped/pregnant people, but only to the extent that it remains the exception to the rule.

  If the vehicle is full, you must stand inside the compartment where you are sure to block traffic when others want to pass through.

  As the train approaches your destination, you must begin to fidget. If possible, stand up and fidget with your belongings.

  Those in the back of the compartment must push, shove and/or stampede to the front of the car. (It is tempting to say ‘queue’ since the way in which they stand vaguely resembles a queue; this is only because you must stand single file in the narrow compartment.)

  Upon arrival at glorious Amsterdam CS (Central Station), don’t look anyone in the eye or you’ll risk being hustled—for hashish, heroin, cocaine, a cheap hotel or botel (boat-hotel behind station), ‘sleep-in,’ petition signing, left-wing newspaper, right-wing newspaper, non-affiliated newspaper, shoe shine, joining in a demonstration or riot, recruiting squatters (krakers), women’s ‘lib’ or gay ‘lib.’ In any case, staring at the floor/ground is good practice from the moment you exit the station and encounter the heaps of dogshit which decorate the streets of Amsterdam.

  (Take no offence to our use of the word shit. The Dutch have adopted it as an everyday word in their vocabulary.)

  Dutch law of motion:

  ‘Exit time is inversely proportional to distance from door.’In other words, those who sit nearest the door leave last. If you are in a hurry to get off the train, you must sit as far from the door as possible.

  Taxi’s

  Dutch cities support an abundance of taxis. The cars are predominantly Mercedes-Benz and Opel vehicles. Their drivers are highly skilled in manoeuvring through narrow side streets, ranks of pedestrians and other hazards. They are impervious to rules and masters of the spoken obscenity—an instant introduction to local colour.

  City taxis have their busiest moments at night. Taxis are dispatched to callers through a co-ordinating centre for local operations (taxicentrale). On a wet, cold winter’s night, when public transport has stopped and you are stranded far from home, dial the taxicentrale and expect the following relief:

  A recorded message advising, ‘Er zijn nog vijftien wachtenden voor U’ (15 calls ahead of you).

  Allow the recording to count down to one call ahead of you.

  When you are greeted by a human operator (usually with a curt ‘TAXI!’), tell him/her where you are and where you want to go.

  The operator recites the number of the local centrale for your district.

  Dial the local centrale and expect no answer.

  Redial the original taxicentrale number and start again.

  There is no guarantee that a repeat effort will be more successful, but at least it stops you from falling asleep.

  A new type of taxi was introduced in the Randstad (cities of western Holland) in 1990: the train taxi (treintaxi). Travelers with a VALID train ticket can take a special taxi from any location in town to the train station (and, upon return, from the station to any location in town) for a mere HFL 6-. Don’t forget, you must go to the station to buy your ticket, then return home to call the treintaxito take you back to the station in order to cash in on the HFL 6- deal!

  The instigation of this mode of transport produced prodigious protesting among ‘regular’ taxi drivers since the treintaxis are subsidized by the Government. The solution to this upset was for the Government to announce that the treintaxis have not caused any losses to taxi companies, but have stimulated overall taxi travel to train stations.

  Although we have attempted to confine the Dutch Drug Dilemma to one chapter of this book (see Chapter 18), it must be mentioned here that taxi companies in Eindhoven, The Hague, Rotterdam, Tilburg and other cities are legally permitted to deliver soft drugs (marijuana, hashish) door-to-door throughout surrounding districts using hash taxis (hasjtaxis). The following conditions apply:

  No advertising to school children

  No sales to minors

  No nuisance or disturbance to local residents

  NO BUSINESS FOR PURE PROFIT-SEEKING.

  As a reward for his/her services to the community, the Eindhoven hasjtaxi operator is subsidized to the tune of HFL 30,000 per year (1992). For more on the wonderful world of subsidies, see Chapter 9.

  Chapter 4

  A DUTCH HOME

  Ask a Dutch person about HOME and you will be told that it is gezellig, a word that they claim has no English equivalent. The dictionary translates it as ‘cosy. ‘And, in this case, for ‘cosy’ read ‘cramped.’

  The soul of the place is reflected through its living inhabitants—plants, pets and people—and the atmosphere (sfeer) is created by a widespread proliferation of inanimate objects. All these elements constitute thuis (home).

  Urban Architecture

  The classic Dutch look is the responsibility of 17th-century architects whose desire it was to maximize the impression of the height of a house. This, in conjunction with the then-as-now overcrowding in cities, led to the introduction of highly characteristic design elements (many of which survive to this day). The convention that the depth of a house should be greater than its widttf is a prime example, no doubt popularized by a housing tax which rated a dwelling on its breadth. The tall aspect of the famous canal buildings in Amsterdam is enhanced by the height of the windows being progressively reduced from bottom floor to top (but more about windows later). Given the cloggypassion to deny riches, prosperous locals generally insist on lesser external features:

  The narrowness of the nest negates the wanton width of the wealthy.

  A typical old, urban house now provides four separate accommodation units, or flats. There are two front entrances to the building, commonly one for the ground floor owner and one for the elevated tenants. The very long and narrow staircase is found in the section leading to the upper floors. Inevitably, one or more Bicycles and a few thick, winter coats hang from the wall above the banister.

  This efficient design provides:

  maximum inconvenience to those entering the building a dutch home 25

  maximum disturbance to a resident hearing chattering, giggling, stomping locals enter or exit the building

  maximum inconvenience and disturbance to all concerned, by the uninitiated attempting self-disentanglement from The Bicycles (or trying to remove pedals, handlebars, etc., from an ear).

  A curious architectural characteristic is located just below, or as part of the design of, the famous Dutch gable. A rusty old meat-hook hangs from a wooden or metal arm which extends from the front of the building. This is not a symbolic carry-over from the pacifist nation’s barbarous past. The hook supports a pulley which allows large, heavy items of furniture, and other bulky possessions, to be hoisted up from ground level. The windows and their frames are constructed for easy removal, thus allowing the load enough space for entry into the house on any floor. Many a Dutchman fears the public disgrace suffered if the load is allowed to adopt a pendulous motion, entering the building through a neighbouring window.

  Other notable exterior features (optional) include:

  a short metal tube, extending from the front wall at a 45-degree angle. This is, in fact, a flagpole holder used to support the national flag on patriotic holidays. The ground floor installations are also used as litter bins and cigarette butt containers by urban youths.

  the spy mirror (spionnetje), mounted on or close to a window frame. It resembles a large automobile ‘wing mirror’ (probably stolen from a heavy goods vehicle) which older couples u
se to study street life, unobserved.

  a collection of old household junk, typically -gardening implements, toilet seat, wash basin etc., to add character to the abode.

  a series of tree trunks extending from the nearest kerb to the upper-front wall of the building. These wooden megaliths serve to provide neighbourhood dogs with a natural toilet place, and to inconvenience pedestrians, cyclists and motorists alike. A secondary function is to stop the house from falling down.

  a human window cleaner, present and working at approximately four-weekly intervals -irrespective of weather, time-of-year or window conditions.

  Stairs

  This marvelous invention—the Dutch staircase—is called a trap, and it is not uncommon to feel trapped when you climb the staircase. The trap will be steep and narrow, of meager depth, and will probably accommodate less than half your foot. In older houses, the staircase closely resembles a warped ladder.

  Indeed, you must climb the stairs in the same way you climb a ladder, clinging precariously to the upper steps with your hands or to the banister (if there is one), with one dangerous difference: There is no room for your foot to extend over the steps for balance, as with a ladder. The lofty Dutch accept this ridiculous arrangement as a fact of life; it provides that essential exercise that other nations obtain from climbing hills.

  Following the path of the stairs, a rope or heavy cord passes through a series of loops and runs from attic to ground floor, terminating in a series of indescribable knots attaching it to the street door latch. This high-tech device allows residents of all floors to open the street door to visitors without the necessity of negotiating the stairs, which would entail more exercise than is good for a cloggy (too much stair-exercise causes untold wear on shoes and floor/stair covering, resulting in premature replacement of both). Whatever you do, DO NOT use the rope as a banister when ascending the staircase. You will trip the door mechanism and will be obliged to return to the front door again to close it. Continued misuse will draw you into an almost perpetual-motion situation, cycling between climbing up the stairs, climbing down the stairs, closing the door, climbing up the stairs…