1995 - The UnDutchables

by Colin White; Laurie Boucke

  have your wallet stolen (if you haven’t already managed to do so on the tram)

  see everyday Dutchmen wearing their famous wooden footwear (klompen)

  buy cheap imitation antiques, drugs, stolen goods and other miscellaneous merchandise

  experience the stench of rotting fish, vegetables and littered streets

  find yourself compacted among an endless throng of local tribespersons progressing at a snail’s pace.

  For local inhabitants, the street market is an exception to their rule of penurious shopping. They’ll pay over the odds (within reason) for the privilege of shopping at their favourite stalls and market(s). The pilgrimage is not complete until they orate about the visit to their friends, neighbours, etc. This is also the one occasion where they refrain from bitching and whining about prices.

  Second-hand Transactions

  If you advertise the sale of second-hand items, you must expect to waste time over numerous long telephone calls probing for precise information on every imaginable detail about the te koop (‘for sale’) item(s). Even if the item has been sold, the callers will want to know all the details in order to find out if they have missed a good bargain.

  Getting the price you quoted is a difficult feat, for in the words of Simon Schama reflecting on commerce in 17th-century Holland, ‘In matters of bond, for example, they could be as slippery as the eels on which they supped.’ To assist you in dealing with the Dutch barter martyrs, the following guidelines are offered:

  COMPROMISE them before they compromise you. Upon entering your home, the prospective buyer will take an instant mental inventory in order to select a conversation piece to steer the topic in his favour. The ensuing discussion is used to prepare you for the I-can’t-afford-that-price speech.

  ATTITUDE. Adopt the firm attitude that the advertised price is the only acceptable price. Ignore arguments that the item can be purchased at a lower price at the local market. If that were the case, the prospective buyer would not have wasted his precious money and time on the phone call and journey.

  CHANGE SYNDROME. Every good cloggy will arrive with money strategically distributed about his person. If the quoted price was HFL 40-, a successful transaction will unfold as follows: One pocket or compartment will contain HFL 30-, one will contain HFL 10- and one will contain a single note of HFL 100- or more.

  Upon eventual agreement of the price (HFL 40-), the buyer will produce HFL 30- and rummage around to discover the HFL 100- note, assuming that you will not have change for the large note.

  This would appear to be the crucial moment. Do you risk losing the sale if you maintain your price, or call his bluff?

  You call his bluff. After a further reluctant rummage, he will produce the crumpled HFL 10- note. You are happy to receive the full price. The buyer is content knowing that he gave you a good run for his money.

  Shelling Out for Fuel

  When the Dutch buy gasoline, they don’t fill their tanks; they buy in multiples of 5 litres. For each 5 litres you purchase, you get one savings stamp (spaarzegel). To fill the tank regularly may result in the loss of two or three stamps over a few months! A full card of spaarzegels (approx. 40) can be cashed-in for the monetary equivalent of 3.33 litres of gasoline. Alternatively, you can elect to receive a special (read: trashy) gift.

  Fines

  Fines are fine for fine people. In Holland, an intricate system exists whereby the State levies fines encompassing such common misdemeanours as illegal entry and parking offences.

  When you see arriving passengers being interrogated by the police at Schiphol airport customs, you will probably assume they are drug dealers. Wrong. Chances are they forgot to pay a parking ticket during their last stay in Holland.

  Pay your parking tickets if you ever plan to return to Holland! If you fail to pay a ticket and attempt to enter the country at a later date, you run a high risk of being detained by the police at the port of entry. They will require you to pay for the ticket, even if it’s years old, plus a fine.

  The same applies if you inadvertently miss paying your last rubbish collection bill or if your residency permit expires while you are outside the country. When you re-enter, you will likely be invited to the ‘explanation chamber.’

  This restitution justifies the Government’s outlay on ‘high tech’ equipment such as computers, multi-channel synthesized hand-held transceivers, etc.

  Banks

  In general, the banks are efficiently and professionally run. They would be. The Dutch would have it no other way.

  Personal experience indicates that debit transactions are balanced on a daily basis while credits are acknowledged up to seven days after the fact.

  Given the public’s appreciation of orderly queuing, bank branches tend to issue numbered tickets when the complement of clients totals one or more. As a bonus, this system eliminates the possibility of labeling the bank undemocratic, sexist, racist or withdrawal-ist. Bank staff can adopt as unhelpful an attitude as possible:

  Can I have a transfer form?

  No.

  Why?

  We don’t give out blank ones anymore.

  (At this point play them at their own game:)

  Can you type my account information onto a blank one, and give me the form to take away?

  Yes, naturally!

  Cashiers are most helpful in one respect: They happily share confidential banking information, such as your bank balance, with all within earshot. Once again, Dutch openness prevails.

  A Sporting Chance?

  The Dutch love to be associated with sporting activities, provided the cost is not too high.

  On a skiing vacation, they will insist (from the very first lesson) on zigzagging their way down the slopes. After all, they have paid for the journey to the top and must therefore extract maximum value from the journey down.

  The laws of magnetism dictate that the Dutch will be attracted to mountain climbing. Having no such natural features, they improvise by climbing man-made vertical barriers, such as an underpass retraining wall near the Amstel Station, Amsterdam. This activity, of course, is free of charge as the walls were erected for other purposes. It provides an authentic training ground; after all, everyone knows that 20th-century architecture strongly resembles the snow-encrusted peaks of the Alps and the Himalayas.

  When they fish, they religiously use two rods: Their fishing permit allows a maximum of two rods. Any fewer would be abusing their purse by not getting their money’s worth.

  Football (voetbal) is the national sport. TV programmes are canceled without warning to show matches. If their team wins the cup, the whole town gets drunk. If they lose, the whole town gets drunk.

  Ice skating is another extremely popular sport, in large part due to the fact that anyone can skate for free on the numerous canals, ditches and other waterways.

  The Baud Bunch

  Personal computers have evolved as an entertainment-cult throughout the western world. The Dutch characteristically resisted the electronic invasion for years (see Chapter 3). When anarchic Bulletin Boards evolved to link dedicated users throughout Europe and North America in the 1980s, Rip van Winkle awoke. One of the most popular Bulletin Board systems of the era was ‘FidoNet,’ and its November 1987 listing of ‘nodes’ quoted:

  Country Population Nodes

  W. Germany 60 million 26 Italy 54.5 million 26

  Holland 14.6 million 104

  U. K. 55 million 67

  Perhaps the reason for the tremendous success of the baud brigade in Holland is that this breed of Bulletin Board invariably provided for the acquisition of crude and largely useless information, programs, games, etc., FREE OF CHARGE.

  Once hooked by an attack of the freebie-jeebies, there was no stopping ‘em. Cohorts of cloggy keystroke cops infested cyberspace as FidoNet begat the CompuServe clan of ‘online services’ and later THE INTERNET and its WORLD WIDE WEB. During this transition, the world was blessed with a Dutch edition of the PC Magazine On-line Forum—
perhaps not a modem megahit, but certainly a forum for ‘em. Forced back into the paying pattern, the newly computer-literate laptop layabouts celebrated this global breakthrough with stimulating postings such as: ‘Een shit bulletin board’ and intellectual responses such as [translated], ‘Typical of an anonymous, socially-handicapped adolescent who probably uses fraudulent credit card data to join the forum. The only people to profit from this are the PTT. ’

  The Dutch have since spawned some of the most adept ‘hackers,’ forever foraging for networks and services to infiltrate. A successful intrusion affords them their fifteen minutes of fame and allows them to once again…

  …get something they don’t want for free!

  In Times of Sadness

  The most unsavoury aspect of the ‘Guilder Builder’ characteristic manifests itself when tragedy strikes.

  A Dutch funeral is an occasion where the Dutch excel at money-related cold-mindedness. A recently bereaved spouse or parent must be ever-cautious to the profiteering of funeral organizers. In the event that you are unfortunately placed in this position, recruit the aid of a cloggy. He/she will guard you against:

  overpriced floral tributes (expect a 200-300% price increase on usually-cheap bouquets of flowers, when ordered for funeral purposes)

  overpriced coffee (while your only thought is to lay your loved one to rest with dignity, care and respect, your aide will embark on a debate over the funeral arranger’s price-per-head for coffee and cookies, compared with the local cafe)

  the futility of paying extra for piped music if you think nobody will be listening to it.

  Afterwards the whole congregation adjourns to the abode of the next-of-kin for a drunken and relentless round of bickering and bartering over the spoils.

  1991 saw a revolutionary law introduced regarding body disposal: Cremations and burials would be allowed without the necessity of a coffin. Among the most critical were (of course) the funeral establishments who were horrified at the prospect of their main source of mark-up disappearing:

  ‘It is wonderful that the lawmakers want to please the minorities, but there has been no consideration for the crematorium employees and what it means to cremate an uncoffined body—a body bursts into flames, and that is not a pretty sight!’

  A graveyard president complained, ‘You can’t just throw a sheet over a body…, ‘ then suggested, ‘…maybe we can lay it on a plank!’

  Why?

  When confronted with the charge of fanatical frugality, the average cloggy cites CALVINISM! as the root cause, then continues to practice the guilder gospel. No attempt is made to shed the yolk of the archaic moralistic code. This is perhaps the only example of the Dutch accepting a principle such as predestination without question or protest. And why not—it’s good for the purse.

  The Dutch version of Calvinism is to:

  Guard every cent you own, and fight for every cent you can make.

  Deny, hide or apologize for your wealth to anyone that enquires of it.

  Plead poverty at all times.

  This is a far cry from the original doctrine: ‘…to learn to submit themselves to God, they must first be stripped of their wealth. ’

  Try these examples if you are ever unfortunate enough to be in a position worthy of their use:

  If you must buy expensive clothes, don’t discuss the quality. Instead, mention the good bargain you got, thus making the garments seem less expensive than they were.

  To someone who remarks on the obvious luxury of your home, reply, ‘Yes, it is a big house, but in fact a bit too large and luxurious for us. Had we realized how costly it would be, we would certainly have bought something more modest. ’

  When hosting a lavish party, ask your guests to make a contribution for the coffee, as if you can’t really afford the gala affair.

  On a luxury cruise, openly display your membership to The Loud and Proud Crowd by placing yourself above rules of etiquette and common decency.

  On returning from the luxury cruise, criticize insignificant details, giving the impression that you’ve been on a cheap package tour.

  Chapter 9

  UITKERING—the dutch work ethic

  We believe you must give people a basic wage, and let them choose whether or not to work.

  —Gerrit Jan Wolffensperger, senior Amsterdam council member

  If you truly want to integrate with Dutch society, you must have at least one type of utikering (welfare, national assistance; pronounced ‘out-caring’).

  Applying for welfare and reaping the benefits is not a social disgrace—it is a right. (In 1986, one quarter of the population of Amsterdam was on welfare.) Those governmental bureaucrats whose role in life is to approve your uitkering will give you all the assistance you require, to the point of helping you re-write your application to receive maximum payment. If you don’t qualify by answering JA (yes), then answer NEEN (no), the social worker will likely advise.

  The System I- Methodology

  Basically, there is only one requirement to obtain your uitkering: you must be prepared to spend a long time in the dismal, unventilated waiting room(s) on numerous frustrating occasions.

  Advantages of having an uitkering are as follows:

  It kills any incentive you may have had to work. This is excellent training for the Dutch youth.

  It gives the Dutch Government an excuse to have one of the highest tax rates in the world.

  It attracts thousands of foreigners, especially Turks and Moroccans (so the Dutch can prove they aren’t racist).

  It encourages those who get the urge to work to do so illegally to supplement their income. This is known as ‘black’ (zwart) work by those who engage in it and ‘white’ (wit) fraud by welfare institutions. Be careful which term you use when speaking with strangers.

  It encourages many to live abroad on welfare benefits at the expense of those who pay taxes.

  Although Holland has one of the most comprehensive welfare systems and superior national health programmes, and even though there is almost no true poverty in the country, the natives still voice their disapproval. They want more. And they want it free (gratis). Many women, youths and foreigners have rallied behind the motto Bijstand Mis$tand (Welfare = $-Abuse). Others have interpreted Bijstand Mis$tand to indicate their opposition to welfare because it makes people dependent and therefore is a ‘capitalist slave-making system.’ The point here is that the Dutch themselves cannot agree on the meaning of the motto around which they rally.

  Some cities publish a free monthly newspaper for welfare recipients. The publications provide them with all the latest benefits they are entitled to receive, demonstration dates/locations and ways to manipulate the system.

  Abuses withstanding, the system DOES provide help for the genuinely underprivileged, the chronically ill, the elderly and children in a far better and more humanitarian manner than the various so-called ‘social security programmes’ which operate in many other western countries.

  Work Attitude

  Despite the attraction of a generous unemployment benefit, some choose to actually work for a living. The idea here is to impress your employer for a period of three months after which it is practically impossible for him to dismiss you, as will be seen later.

  During the probationary period, you will without doubt experience some frustration regarding the lack of effort extended by your colleagues. However, once you complete your three months, your working life takes on a completely different character. You belong.

  You can now concentrate more on the ‘social aspects of work.’ Work now interrupts coffee breaks. A heated, two-hour debate over the validity of your boss’s order receives higher priority than the five-minute task of executing it. A colleague’s birthday takes top priority. The important event allows various workers to arrange a collection, purchase celebration requisites and organize the compulsory office ‘SURPRISE’ party. You, as birthday boy/girl (jarige), are not left out as it is your duty to provide edible delights. The par
ty, of course, takes place during company hours. It is left to the reader’s discretion to fantasize the effects of (say) the Olympic Games in Holland.

  Good timekeeping is no longer a matter of conscience. Remember that the Dutch form of the expression ‘The early bird catches the worm’ is:

  ‘The early bird is for the cat.’

  Dismissal—Failureor Success?

  An employer must give you a ‘reasonable’ (but unspecified) amount of verbal warnings as to your misconduct. Next, three written warnings must be issued (on separate occasions). These are only officially recognized if you (the accused) acknowledge acceptance in writing. Without your acceptance, the matter goes to arbitration.

  With your signature, the case is presented to the local authorities for assessment and possible authorized dismissal. The word ‘possible’ is used here meaningfully. Should the authorities decide your dismissal is valid, your new-found unemployed status will inevitably qualify you for welfare. Welfare through unemployment is typically 70% of your last salary, paid by the same local authority (1992). Given the Dutch affinity to the guilder (see Chapter 8), it follows that the local authority will be hesitant to approve a dismissal.

  At work, employees have little or no fear of being fired. They can basically do what they want. If they don’t like a particular task, they refuse to do it. Some days or weeks later when their supervisor asks them how the project is progressing, the employee(s) typically reply with a shrug and inhale the word ‘Ja!?!’

  If for one reason or another you find you are experiencing stress on the job, one of the most popular and successful tactics is to stage a nervous breakdown and go on paid sick leave for several months. By the time you return, your employer will either have you work harder than ever to catch up, thereby putting you under stress again, or will ask you to resign. The answer will likely be a negotiated settlement wherein your disappearance is rewarded by a large payment made in such a manner that your welfare claims are not compromised.