Chapter 13
DRIVING
As with shopping (see Chapter 12), a first experience of ~ driving in Holland can be positively bewildering. But do not be dismayed. You are not an inferior driver. You have simply missed some elementary unwritten rules of the road.
Freewheeling Ways
Drive as close to the car in front of you as possible.
Change lanes constantly while driving. Roads are built from taxpayers’ money. If you’ve paid your taxes, it’s your right to use as much of YOUR road as possible.
At least two cars should go through each red light. Avoid, at all cost, reducing speed or stopping. Any brake-light indication combined with an amber or recently-red traffic signal will subject you to a barrage of stereophonic horn-blasting even though it is considered vulgar to use the car horn except in an emergency.
WARNING: Beware of elderly drivers. They stubbornly adhere to the old-fashioned system of preparing to stop when the lights turn amber, and religiously stop at red lights. These senior citizens are the cause of many collisions.
If you witness a motorist driving through a red light, sound your horn violently in tribute while you visually scold the violator for his flagrant disrespect of the law.
Move alongside him and pound your head with your right hand. Appropriate angry facial expressions, bouncing up and down on your seat. Yelling idioot! (idiot), godverdomme! (God be damned) and klootzak! (scrotum) are beneficial. Never mind the fact that you are more of a traffic hazard than he was as you accelerate, slow down and wander across the fast lane, concentrating on your gesticulating.
If you are the first car to stop at a red light, do not expect to be able to see the traffic lights. Thanks to brilliant Dutch engineering, your car will be sitting directly under the lights. Just relax and rely on a honk or two from the car(s) behind you. Horns are guaranteed to sound if you do not react instantly to the green light. Alternatively, step out of your car until the light changes. This at best is taken as a display of protest by the locals, and at worse is taken as an expression of your individuality. Both earn you much respect.
Road Rights
Dutch democracy on the road is exemplified by inconsistent yield signs, well described by the saying:
Sometimes the small roads have to have the power.
There would appear to be no general rule such as ‘priority to the right’ or ‘priority to the main road.’
Consider roundabouts as an example. In some places, the car coming from the right has the right of way. In other places, the car on the roundabout has the right of way. Elsewhere, traffic lights are used.
As local respect for speed limits is non-existent, popular means to slow down the traffic in residential areas include one-way streets and drempels (berms, or speed bumps).
Revised traffic laws (introduced in 1991) supposedly gave drivers more responsibility by reducing the number of rules to be followed. A ‘rule of thumb’ was proclaimed: GIVE PRIORITY TO YOUR INTELLECT (which perhaps explains why no one gives way in traffic). Why such a fuss? The answer may lie in the list of Dutch notables caught in the act of committing driving offences that year, including:
members of the royal family (again)
the Prime Minister and members of his Cabinet, including the Minister of Defence
Chairman of the Council for Traffic Safety.
The latter expressed much indignation at receiving a ticket for driving at 160 km/h (104 mph), declaring that it was a ‘witch hunt for high officials who drive too fast. ’
Traffic Jams
Traffic jams (files) are a frustrating experience in any country. In Holland, the feeling is worse with the realization that the 100 km (65 mile) line of stationary vehicles would more than span the width of the country.
What is unique is the wealth and extent of studies, proposals and laws generated to reduce them. When it was established that those selfish people who enjoy horse riding cause some jams, a law was passed requiring the horse (not its rider) to wear licence plates on either side of its head—a sure way to improve traffic flow.
The studies, proposals and laws certainly made a difference. In 1994, a new national traffic jam record was set: on February 23rd, there were 43 traffic jams and 530 collisions, totalling 360 km (234 miles) of fuming, honking, clogged cloggies.
Getting Your Licence
There are two ways to obtain a Dutch licence: by taking lessons through an authorized driving school (rijschool) or by surrendering a valid foreign licence for a Dutch one.
The rijschool is rigorous and expensive, with rates at about HFL 2,000- to prepare you for your first driving test. All manner of interesting and unique equipment is used; some classrooms provide individual steering wheels and gear levers for the simulation phase. Do not be discouraged if you fail several driving tests; each additional course will only cost you roughly half as much again. And how good is the tuition? 30% of driving instructors give lessons without wearing a seat belt; with an average of 30 lessons required before taking the test, only 40% of driving students pass on their first attempt (1992). Strangely, the high cost of driving lessons has not been affected by protest (see Chapter 11).
Not all foreign licences can be surrendered for a Dutch one. Ontil the 1970’s, most foreign licences were acceptable. Many Dutch would go to, for example, Egypt to obtain their licence. The total cost of the trip (including the licence) was less than the Dutch rijschool-fees. In other words, the cloggies got a free vacation trip in the deal.
Now a foreign licence cannot be exchanged for a Dutch one unless the bearer can prove that he/she lived or worked in the foreign country for at least six months.
As Dutch territories (immune from the classification ‘foreign’) were an exception to this rule for many years, places such as the Netherlands Antilles soon became the new favourites for obtaining licences. 1991 statistics showed more than 2,000 new Netherlands Antilles licences issued to residents of Holland were exchanged for the ‘real thing’ when the newly-inducted motorists returned home. In the previous year, this figure was 500.
The Antillean island of Saba has freely admitted that its economy was directly dependent upon the rijschool-trade. Tourism income (stemming mainly from this) was around HFL 500,000 per year, with an island population of approx. 1,000. Dutch students for driving lessons were recruited at the rate of 60 per week. As 1992 came to a close, so did this convenient method. Licences now are issued in the Netherlands Antilles only if six-month residency and other conditions are met.
There is one final route: join an experiment. Transport tutelage is a popular target for social experimentation, especially when combined with minority-group involvement. Look for programmes along the lines of this 1992 scheme:
In an effort to help reform problem boys, some 30 Moroccan, Surinamese, Antillean and Turkish boys received a three-week crash course in driving at an army camp near Hilversum in order to get their licences. The goal was to prevent them from a ‘negative spiral’ of crime. The driver’s licence was to make it easier for each of them to find a job.
Chapter 14
ON DUTCH CUSTOMS
All hail the Dutch, long-suffering neutrons in the endless movement against oppression and exploitation. Let us hear it for the Dutch, bland and obliging victims of innumerable wars which have rendered their land as flat as their treats. Every one of them is an uncle, not a one can muster real courage. All hail the Dutch, nonpeople in the people’s war!
—Tony Hendra, National Lampoon, 1976
Non-racist Nation
The Dutch boast that they are a non-racist nation. In the 1960’s, the Dutch were extremely proud of the lack of prejudice and racial problems in Holland (although in the 1940’s the first Indonesian immigrants were looked down upon as second-class people). But there was a reason for this situation: non-Caucasians were a rarity in Holland in those days. The result was that darker-skinned people were idolized by the Dutch.
Things changed when Suriname became independent, and h
oards of Surinamese flooded the country. The crime rate, drug abuse and number of people on welfare increased phenomenally. Immigration procedures soon tightened for dark-skinned applicants, hence, ‘We support your cause, we appreciate your dilemma, but don’t want you here.’ Or, in the words of Dr. H. G. Boswijk, an Amsterdam clergyman, ‘When Surinamers come to our churches, people observe a friendly distance. They say, YOU ARE WELCOME BUT LEAVE US ALONE. It’s a kind of implicit apartheid.’
Yet, as soon as a resident visa has been issued, the Surinamese and other dark-complexioned immigrants (such as Turks and Moroccans) become a welcome part of the Dutch heart-throb, for they are now THEIR ethnic minority. In addition, they are on equal footing with the locals since they are eligible for welfare benefits.
And mankind must SEE that Holland leads the world in acceptance of other races in a western state. This attitude is demonstrated in the current policy of recruitment for the police force. One goal was to have a force consisting of 25% women and 10% minorities by 1990. In order to achieve this, a policy was established for Dutch citizenship to be granted in six months, instead of ten years, to successful applicants.
Even so, the evidence of discrimination persists, confirmed by muted governmental admissions, as the following examples show:
Quote from the Mayor of Lelystad, 1991: ‘Many immigrants come from countries where little or no culture exists. If they bring anythingwith them, it is their bad habits.’
Employment agencies fill most job vacancies by bowing to racist demands from employers, despite a 1987 code of conduct forbidding hiring of labour by discrimination. To substantiate these findings, the Ministry of Social Affairs commissioned the State University of Leiden to investigate the matter. Result? Case proved 90% of the time, using a study base of 134 agencies.
In 1991, the Government Information Service conceded that it had researched the possibility of compiling ‘ethnicity facts’ on gypsies, refugees, etc. If brought into law, such people would have to reveal to the authorities: their race, their parents’ race and other such details.
To further fertilize their insistence that they are inherently non-racist, several governmental (and other) offices provide information, brochures and hot line services in the Moroccan and Turkish languages, whereas none of the same exist in neighbouring European languages. This is one of Holland’s most useful contributions to the European Community.
In this complex era of racial-sensitivity issues, personal freedom issues, sexual liberation and killer disease, one trait remains an enviable quality of the Dutch. Black and white, friend and foe, male and female—all have an equal voice in the maelstrom of entitlement. White can always call ‘RACISM’ against black without being called ‘RACIST’ for doing so. Heterosexual can always call ‘DISCRIMINATION’ against homosexual without the fear of being labeled ‘INSENSITIVE.’ All are guaranteed a forum. Much of the western world could learn an important lesson from them.
Manners Maketh Man
Little can be said about Dutch manners. Cloggies firmly believe their manners are impeccable, but to an aware foreigner they are as rare as a dike-mender’s drill.
When abroad, cloggies assume no one they meet will speak Dutch. They ridicule others by making sarcastic and derogatory comments about them in Dutch. Occasionally they find themselves ridiculing fellow cloggies. No embarrassment or bad feeling ensues as:
Both parties realize that they are guilty of the same.
On discovery of their common nationality, both parties will agree that the ridicule is justifiably applied to the intended alien targets.
At home or abroad, a proper Dutch greeting consists of a brief handshake in the case of new acquaintances, or of a kiss on left-right-left cheek (= 3 kisses, total) for longer-term friends. These actions can be abbreviated, prolonged or combined, and apply to male-female and female-female greetings (not male-male, yet). Never misinterpret these rituals. Two women engaged in a handshake-1.5-kiss greeting does not signify a re-acquaintance between two lesbians who don’t trust each other—it could well indicate that there are more important things to discuss. Whichever form/combination of greeting is used, it is often accompanied by a feeling of dread, as it gives rise to yet another national phobia: the fear of sweaty hands (zweethanden).
Although a look of fear may at first be interpreted as mistrust of character, it is no cause for worry on the part of the sweat-recipient. Oddly, in 1991 a quarter of the Dutch population in the age group 18-50 were of the belief that AIDS can be contracted from a handshake—the sweatier the hand, the more chance of getting it. Thus, the sweatier the hand becomes, the higher the level of fear.
Correct adoption of parting gestures is as important as greetings. When leaving a friend’s home at any time of day or night, stand outside the door and repeatedly scream ‘daaaag’ at the top of your lungs. Then hop on your Bike and continue the serenade for a block or two. If your mode of transport is by car, drive off slowly, shouting ‘tuuuuut’ as often as possible. Then speed up, making sure that the whole street knows that you have spent a lovely (in most cases, read ‘mediocre’ or ‘boring’) evening at your friend’s home and that you are now leaving.
Another very common, affectionate way to say goodbye is to yell doei (pronounced ‘doo-eee’) several times. This expression is apparently used by the lower class, and is considered to be vulgar, stupid and a sign of lack of education.
Camping
Camping is a popular recreational pursuit. It is easy in Holland—official campgrounds are havens of comfort, with hot showers, shops, etc. Individual sites are marked, preplanned by the owner, and there are obviously no ‘rough spots’ on hillsides, etc.
Almost every household owns a camping shelter of some description. It can be a 1-2 person ridge tent, a grand family tent with awning and rooms, a caravan or a trailer. Yet not all are used for overnight accommodation. For some curious reason, cloggies make a habit of erecting tents in public parks for a few hours during a sunny day (the practice is quaintly called ‘day camping’). It may take 2-3 hours to travel, pitch the tent(s) and arrange the accessories (collapsible chairs for seating, table for coffee paraphernalia, potted plants and/or flowers, etc.) for a mere 45 minutes relaxing with nature—but they do it. En masse. So much so, in fact, that a sub-culture of berm-tourists has developed. This strain of day-camper purposely seeks out space close to major highways in order to calmly complain about the excessive traffic and its consequences prior to becoming part of the problem on the way home.
At home or abroad, overnight public campsites are an excellent place for the young cloggies to sadistically impose their freedom on others. Around dawn, the little ones like to begin to sing Dutch children’s songs; for a while, their parents will not interfere with this exercise of freedom and national pride.
When the songs finally get on the parents’ nerves, they gently tell their little darlings to hush. The children exercise perfect disobedience and carry on singing and shouting. Those cloggy-kids who do not like to sing can find freedom of expression by talking in an obnoxiously loud voice.
Older children (up to 30 years of age) have their rights to freedom, too, and often express themselves by playing football through the campsite. Other great places for the kiddies to play football are restaurants, cafes, full car parks, golf courses and metre trains.
Another favourite pastime is cussing and breaking wind. Making fun of others is, of course, a must, accompanied by lots of very loud giggling and cackling.
Sign Language
To become an accepted member of Dutch society, we recommend you practice the following, preferably in private:
Place hand parallel to ear, 3 inches from ear. Oscillate hand in a forward/aft direction at medium speed. This means ‘delicious’ (lekker).
Make a double thumbs-up gesture with lateral pumping action from the elbows, whilst religiously chanting OMSTERDOM! This means, ‘I like where I live.’
Spread fingers, palms uppermost, and extend forearms. Tilt hea
d to one side as you emit a sound not unlike a sick cow: Jooooa. This means, ‘I don’t really believe you.’
See Chapter 13 for special sign language when driving.
On Marriage
A popular contemporary attitude of unmarried couples living together (samenwonen) is that they should have the same rights as married couples. If the boyfriend’s father dies, his partner feels entitled to two days’ paid holiday for the occasion, as is the case for married couples. In the early 1990’s, living-together registries were introduced as an alternative marriage register for couples (including homosexuals) who have entered into a living-together contract in front of a notary public. The partners can be ‘married’ in the public marriage room of their local Town Hall.
Living-apart-together is commonplace as it allows couples to have their own life most of the time, but also to be together and have a shared non-binding commitment. Above all, there are tax and welfare benefits…
For couples who do elect to marry, the obligatory Town Hall ceremony (church ceremonies are supplementary and optional) clearly defines the extent to which the partnership is to be taken…
Money under matrimony is money shared.
The controversial topic of clergy and wedlock has been understandably fierce in Holland. The attitude is summed up in a BBC television interview with a Dutch theological student in the 1970’s:
Q: How do you feel about the idea of a priest being able to marry?
A: No question at all. It’s a question of the priest himself, and not of other people. When I want to be a priest and I want to be married; and the Pope, he wants a priest (who) is not married; I don’t want to be a priest!
Get the idea? More on the consequences later.
Women’s liberation has drastically modified the accepted format of a marriage. Dutch women, with their over-stretched sense of fair play, have achieved what they see as a ‘more equal division of labour’ through the practice of partial or total role reversal. The authorities indicate their approval by awarding the major tax concessions to the higher income partner—male or female—rather than the traditional method of assuming the man is the family ‘breadwinner.’
1995 - The UnDutchables Page 8