Sex and the Confession Box

by M. H. O'Hara

  You ok Clarke? OK wow I’m better than ok you’re a natural ass fucker, sure you don’t want to try roles reversed? I’m sure I said. I began to pull out of him slowly, so not expecting what was coming if eating stop and re read after! Big blobs of shit all over the dildo covered, the smell, the mess, oh sweet Jesus why would anyone want this, even as I’m typing I’m gaging. I heaved and nearly threw up all over the hotels nice satin sheets, I bolted for the bathroom, gobs of shit flying of the end of that fucking dildo I slammed the door and I just vomited and vomited, all I ate flew into the toilet bowl and after that meal you ,d be surprised by how much came spurting out of me. Just when I thought I’d finished I sat back on my hunkers and saw that fucking thing with the shit on it and it had rubbed off on me and the toilet bowl, I went again. I grabbed one of those nice pure white fluffy towels and wrapped it around the dildo and rubbed of as much crap as I could, then threw in the trash, I couldn’t get the fucking thing off I went to the sink and got the hotels flannels and ran it under boiling water and washed the shit of where it had smeared on my stomach and thighs, gagging as I did. I pulled and pulled at this thing it wouldn’t budge. Wiping my mouth an running my hand under the tap and taking a mouthful of water and gargling it back and spitting it into the loo filled with vomit and I flushed. I pulled my I’m a whore face on and went into the bedroom where Clarke had put a robe on and had opened a bottle of what first appeared to be whiskey but he said, do you like cognac, never tried it. Great try some pouring me a glass also. I didn’t want a drink I needed this smelly thing of and to hose myself down for seven hours, but I couldn’t exactly say that. Clarke could you help me with this I said turning around so he could un hook me, oh yeah sure, one ping and it was off thank you. I began to walk back to the bathroom to hose and scrub myself raw, are you not going to drink you cognac, first? I was going to lather myself up in the shower do you want to join me? Hoping, praying he’d say no, he did, no you pass I always like to have a stoker(cigar) and a cognac after I’ve had an amazing organasm don’t be long, I wont. Phew I though turning on the shower and picking all the nice Europa’s shower selection. The shower sprayed out soothing warm clean water ,as tied up my hair up I stepped in and scrubbed myself clean, I felt that familiar gut wrenching pull in my heart, and the sting of tears. God I hate me, I had to pull back the tears. There was no cleaning away this feeling no amount of soap in the world would do that.

  Patting myself all clean and wrapping up in the hotels towel robes I came back into the room to the smell of cigar. There was Clarke so contented smoking on his cigar feet stretched up at the window looking down over Belfast. Don’t you look all cosy he said thank you. I lifted my glass took a whiff smelled just like whiskey and took a sip.

  Oh! I said wow that’s strong, made me feel woozy after all that throwing up. Would you mind if I just finished of the champagne shame to let it go to waste. No, no not at all just give that to me, as he emptied the contents of my glass into his. I poured some champers it was still cold though all the ice had melted, just a pool of icy water. I walked over to the window and gazed out with him, till him pulled me onto his lap. Your my favourite, best I’ve ever had, I thought am I the first to vomit after having sex with you or whatever that was? How’s about you and I coming to some arrangement, like what I said bemused, and dreading what was coming oh god not more kinky shit!!I pay Doreen £500 plus what you get how would you feel if we bypassed her and I go direct to you I’d still give you what you more than deservedly earned £1,500 and save me £500 ,so each time I’m in town in business I call you and not her, what do you say.? I’m wasn’t sure I could do what I just did ever again and I didn’t think it wise to double cross Doreen surely she’d no or find out. But it Doreen knew I’d get in bother with her was what I said, how would she know, I use other escort agencies not just hers ill not tell if you denounce a month I’m in town, it’s lot of money ,well ok I said sure between you and me. I wasn’t sure why I said that I just thought well that promise of £1,500 each month for sure would mean I’d od just him and that would be me I could pay my mortgage each month get a wee motor ,there was the ass shit fucking oh wait what if he expects me in time to let him do that to me, Clarke I’m loving all we are doing tonight but I just want to be clear if our arrangement continues I won’t ever be into you bursting my ass cherry ok! That’s ok I prefer what we did tonight anyway and you obviously loved it too. OH yeah. So agreed he said with his hand out stretched, yep I said as I shook his hand.

  We sat and talked for about five minutes and I hoped he didn’t want this to be a sleep over but he did and I did stay over I didn’t sleep a wink. We got full on naked and he cuddled me, it was awful, it was the worst type of intrusion, this is in many ways to me a sacred thing, when you make love and you lye together all cuddled up close your souls have come together as one, your bodies connected as one, you lay there heart racing spinning breathing in each other’s love, but this was too much. I wanted to be a million miles away from this room this bed him. I couldn’t keep up the act. He feel asleep quickly and try as I could to wriggle away from his arms around me, a little by little I did. I lay with my full make-up on planning an escape but also trying to keep up the charade. He slept I wept. Crying out once more for God to save me. I put too much hope in him, as a child been brought up a strict catholic, every Sunday without fail, mass and the holy days to, confessional the lot. I did novena’s lit candles even now I still do to my grannies old “Sacred heart of Jesus picture “in my bedroom I’d sit and talk to him for hours. If you checked my bag it’s filled with holy medals and prayers of hope faith, all lost.

  An alarm raced through the room, it was six fifteen am, he turned it off then went to the bathroom while I quickly looked into my compact by the bed, wiped under my eyes few eye drops to take away the redness and in he came. Good morning, good morning, breakfast should be here soon, I have an early flight to catch to London so it’ll be an early departure for us. No worries I said breathing a sigh of relief that I didn’t have to do him again this morning. I went to get out of bed and he pulled me back, shit I thought I’m not out of the woods yet. Where’s my morning kiss, are you sure I joked wouldn’t you prefer I brushed my teeth, ok go on hurry back I want some sugar. I tidied myself brushed my teeth and he was in his rob thankfully. I went over and cuddled him and we did one of his awful tongue kissing BJ snogs that gaged me as he pounded his tongue to the roof of my tonsils. Looking across the floor I saw his toys and nudged him, shouldn’t we pick up our toys before the waiter brings the breakfast trolley, he looked shit yes forgot about those last night that great orgasm you gave me knocked me out that and the congac. He picked up his toys and went over to his traveling bag in the cupboard and placed them in quickly. How do you travel with those I asked, aren’t you afraid of bag searches, no travel first or business and always get them carried on that and I usually hide them in my socks! Clever, then the door knocked and it was our breakfast tray ,Clarke opened the door and I felt so exposed, in walked a young guy and girl maybe about sixteen seventeen, they seemed embarrassed but I just felt now after what happened they knew everyone knew. Of course they did, NT, he tipped them both a tenner each you should have seen their faces gee thank you sir, enjoy your breakfast.

  It was a continental looks yummy those lovely warm croissants and I was so hungry after flushing what little dinner I had had yesterday down the loo, wish it had of been a big Irish fry, runny fried eggs potato bread and soda bread mushrooms sausages bacon. Ah well I tucked into the breakfast he only ate a little then said he’d use the bathroom first if that was ok? Yep I’m stuffing myself I said. Finishing of my coffee then put all the extra croissant and pastries and a nice wee milk jug into my overnight bag along with handtowels I had and most of the toiletries, everyone does it and my dogs will love this pastries ease my conscience having left them for the night. My brother had stayed at mine and minded James and the pets, promised him £25 pounds which he said no need but thank you. Clarke came out in a
very handsome business suit all cleaned up and ready for business, Right my turn will you be ready to leave in thirty minutes I have a cab coming then or you can stay on in the room you know leave the key at front desk if you like? The idea of having to look the receptionist in the face this morning was too much so I said thirty minutes no problem. I quickly over did the make-up I was wearing and put some hair serum through my hair and I looked good and ready for anything, though I had made the mistake of not bringing a change of clothes for today just had my wee evening dress on and jockey but sure I was just going home, in a taxi no buses at this early hour first one not until nine thirty !Grabbing the last of toiletries and hankies I was packed and ready to go. Ok great timing great to see you’re not one of those woman who take forever to get ready. He had one last look around the room to make sure wed left nothing behind mainly no dildos and closed the door behind us. At the lift there was a nice couple, American good morning they said in their lovely accents good morning. Off to breakfast they enquired, no room service, oh doesn’t he spoil you, she said smiling at Clarke well she’s worth it he’s an old money pincher makes me get up for breakfast she said laughing teasing her husband. I like to get my breakfast at the table goes down better. Well I hope you get a big Irish fry I said as the lift doors open Oh I will shouldn’t but on holiday so what the hell. Goodbye I said to them as Clarke went to the front desk and I pretended to be playing with my phone on a chair in the lobby. All sorted shall we he said signalling towards the doors yes. Outside a cab was waiting for him, do you want me to drop you somewhere first no I’m going in the opposite direction I said looking Around for any other cab but there wasn’t any, excuse I said to the driver could you please order another taxi for me, yes love no problem, from here yes here. Clarke kissed me on the cheek IL be in touch now I have your mobile number and email see you in a month or so. Great safe flight I said to him.

  I watched the cab take of grateful it was over. I didn’t have to wait to long for the taxi to send another one it pulled up three or four minutes later. In I clambered where to love he asked, I was just about to say Antrim I drifted off into my heart and said Holy cross chapel please Ardoyne aren’t you a good soul he said going to mass now. No, no mass I’m going to see a priest.

  Eileen’s Story

  The taxi pulled up outside the double wooden doors as a few parishioners passed by, all wee old ladies mainly, no one young goes to the eight clock morning mass after being out on the drink most in their beds waking up with someone they didn’t know or someone they didn’t want to know. Paid the driver and stood outside, never been here this early myself, now was different what would I find when I pushed through these doors? Other lying bastard of a man, worse a lying bastard of a priest. But why, why even bother why he had said so much declared love for me why. I sat on the cold stone steps. I could here mass had started so I sat trying to strain to hear if it was him Father Peter lying voice but despite it being over two weeks and not a word my heart longed for him, my heart kept screaming at me it was real he, loves you he’s the one, I thought back to us sitting there at the black hills all empty fields sprayed before us pulled up beside a beautiful oak tree all its leaves a beautiful burnt burgundy colour, the wind whistled through the car it could have been a scene from “Wuthering Heights” minus the corset. He’d held me so close so strong I felt it in my soul my heart and his beat as one I felt that pull at my being as thought I was just about to fall and hit the ground but was saved at the last moment. I’m marrying you Eileen and we will live a beautiful peaceful passionate life, we were drawn here to this moment to this day everything we’d ever been through been with has brought us to this moment. You will marry me, divorce for me first, yes well mine a bit trickery I have to divorce the catholic church and that’s much harder, what will they do, we’ll see my bishop first tell him I’m looking for a dispensation from the pope then I have to see the Cardinal its messy but IL get it done. They say a priest is always a priest, yes and they say that once married in the Catholic Church in the eyes of god your always married yeah well fuck that I’ve a court date coming up that will say differently. I have to travel to Donegal that’s where I’m from that’s where I placed all the cash from the sale of my mother’s house haven’t been back there since her funeral none of us have no one there for me now, be strange going back. I could go with you we could take James make a wee trip out of id love that but I don’t know when and how long it will be with all the Bishop stuff best I do it alone and you get as much on your end sorted, your passports pack stuff let your house go ,then I’ll come back and we’ll plan our getaway England or Wales then Canada I always wanted to see where my brother lived he’ll sort us out a place, be a shock me leaving the church. But I’ve paid for my sins then some time to live and love someone who will really love me back! You’ll call me in between course I will you and I’ll get myself a mobile never had a need for one till now then you can call me. I moved in and snuggled his neck, he smelt safe, like my dad did when came home from work, he knew more about me than anyone I ever knew, he really got who I was, clearly without me having to explain he saw me and loved all of me.

  I sat on those steps waiting to go in avoiding what could be the truth ready myself to march up to him and slap his face then break down and beg him to save me come away with me, all in the eyes of god.

  The door opened and two wee old women came out with their headscarf’s around their heads, oh don’t sit there love you’ll get piles. I smiled and got up don’t you just love old people they always worry about their bodily functions’ I went in I didn’t dip my hands in the holy water neither did I bless myself I stepped inside and the smell of prayers and faith hit me along with the insense. Some were shuffling out and there were a few pensioners at the altar talking to a priest I strained to see if it was Peter between the pews It wasn’t, a mix of disappointment and sadness flowed through my veins, I headed over to the confessional boxes where we first met, walking alongside them they all had each priests name above the doors just like on that fateful day, Father Harkin, Father O Callaghan Father Sheehy, I stopped frozen, father Sheehy it should say Father O Kane, where was his name. As I stood there thoughts racing a man’s voice behind, excuse me are you looking for confession? I spun around to see the priest who had been at the alter giving mass. No Father I was looking for yes? Father O Kane? Is he here Father O Kane is no longer here my child. No longer here has he left my head beating in my chest a huge broad smile spread across my face. Yes he’s moved to another parish. My heart fell on to the ground before me and before god. What do you mean another parish? Well many of us stay for different periods at different parishes father peter was moved to a new parish where. Where what parish? OH I’m afraid I don’t know, you don’t know find out I said as I almost screamed in this priest face. He took a step back unsure as to what was happening, Are you ok. Yes I’m sorry it’s just I trusted father peter I need to confess to him where has he gone could you find out for me it really is a matter of life and death. There I go again another mortal sin, Ah fuck it god had no problems breaking all the promises he made to me and there where many. I will go back and ask Father Harkin, I’m Father peters replacement so I’m unsure as to where exactly he’s be able to assist you. Thank you I followed him then sat in the pews closed to the altar waiting looked up at the sky and cast a look of disappointment up there, he had let me down too often, he had let awful things happen he’d disappointed me .I felt no shame just anger and hardness of heart setting in.

  A few minutes later the young priest Father O Callaghan came out with a much older priest, stern looking ole fellow who came towards me with a look of annoyance before we’d even spoken. Your enquiring about Father Peter? Yes Father, well he’s been moved to another parish Yes Father this priest already explained that to me I wanted to know to which parish. And what business is that of yours young lady? He said in a right frigging cheeky voice, that condescending voice they use as he looked me up and down and looked at me as though I
was a street walker and could smell my sins, you know the sort of priest who turned good Catholics away from the faith due to their harsh judgements and arrogance of heart. He helped me and I need to speak to him again it’s a matter of life or death and I didn’t lie that’s how it was. Without him the truth I would die more in my heart in my soul, Father Peter the truth as to where he was why hadn’t he come back yet could save me, help me understand stop the mind circling all sorts of crazy thoughts and ideas, I could keep holding on or let go but I needed to know or I could do neither and they could deliver me from this limbo. If it’s a matter of life or death young lady I suggest you attend the hospital he drew awkwardly close to me now walking harrowingly into my bones his eyes were full of hate he despised me, his eyes rotted with the filth of life he believed he’d seen. His eyes of disdain of us lower life forms. I tell you this it’s none of yours or anybody’s business as to where we seem fit to send our priest. And we certainly don’t give strays of the street any information that is private to them. If he did not seem fit to tell you himself isn’t it obvious he did not feel you should know. So leave. As he half turned to leave, I was about to run in fear in shame, but I wasn’t frightened of him or men like him or his god anymore. That’s understandable someone in your position wouldn’t be given that information IL take it up with the bishop over this parish.

  Well he swirled round in a green gown spiral of fury as if I’d just shit on the altar. How dare you dare to question me and my authority how dare you deem yourself to speak to me in such a manner. How dare you speak to me in such a disrespectful way I fully squared up to the bitter twisted ole cunt your no better than me how dare you speak to me in such a manner when all I have done is to enquire about a priest? Get out he said I have no time for this, its women like you who corrupt the church, I lunged at him, I forgot myself, I was beside myself with anger and grief and it all just exploded towards this bastardy cunt who stood between me and Peter if peter didn’t want me if he lied I needed him to tell me but I was never going to get there not now not if this ole evil bastard had his way. The younger priest who had been witnessing all of this saw my leap of anger towards Father O Callaghan and just grabbed me back at that moment when all I managed to pull hold of was the back of his robe and no more. Calm down he said to me holding me in a vice like grip, meanwhile fuckface turned a deep purple if this is what the wrath of god looked like I was fucked a thunderous bombardment came flying out of his mouth, as to how I was a disgrace to the church to come into the house of god and assault a man of god I’m sure to be burning in hell and all that blah!blah! If I ever see you back in this church IL call the police. I struggled and fought with young Father O Callaghan, but he wasn’t letting me go he grabbed me to the large wooden church doors as quickly as he could and got me outside, then released me as I tried to make a dash by him again, I wanted to punch that twisted arrogant prick, I wanted to hurt him I wanted to tear at all the holy pictures. I wanted Peter. I broke down and sobbed the wee priest said, well that’s something I’ve never seen, what’s that I said to Father O Callaghan you frightened Father Harkin put the wind up him. He didn’t seem afraid to me, he was he’ll be in there now knocking back a few shaking. You knocked him off his very high horse and he’s not accustomed to that. I just wanted to know the parish Father O Kane went to he was good to me and I need to thank him. The wee priest sat on the steps with me overlooking a statue of Saint Bernadette, he was only about twenty two three at most, must have just got his robes so to speak, tall and thin but not gangly, more slim athletic, had hazel eyes and amazing eyelashes that us women would kill for dirty fair crew cut hair, nice and king manner about him but something most definitely screamed I’m gay, it was the way he was, I don’t hold that against him of course many Catholics join the priesthood to try to resist this natural part of who and what they are and sadly it turns them into something they never would have been if they could only have accepted themselves but it’s so hard I imagine, where we come from, expectations placed on us by our families ourselves and we aren’t this or that and try hard to be only building bridges between our loved ones and deeper pits in ourselves.