Sex and the Confession Box

by M. H. O'Hara

  Did you ever wonder about the wee women who scrub the church clean? They would always be there polishing the brass rails when I was young me brothers and I would call them “The altar rail lickers “till me mother overheard us and what she told us brought a whole new perspective of these seemly great devout Catholics. Tracy M.C. Dodd was the lady who was never away from the chapel where I lived, anytime of the day you’d go in there she’d be scrubbing the stained glass windows on her hands and knees scrubbing the chapel floor. Well me mother said don’t you see boys she’s trying to atone for her sin, why doesn’t she just confess. She has but some sins are so great nothing can purify one’s self of it. Tracy had gotten pregnant with a steady fella who while both stupid and ignorance had committed the sin of sex her family wanted to disown her but she was sent to her mother’s sister who lived in England and she was forced to have an abortion. She came back nineteen in her years but dead in her life. This sin was always on her no matter how much she makes that chalice sparkle her soul will still remain black.

  Lifting up his pint of Guinness he said cheers to God for his being able to forgive himself and to let go and let God.

  The barman had given him an address of a good wee BB and of a second hand car dealer you can trust Mark McCauley he’ll do you a good deal. He paid for his great lunch and followed the directions to the car dealers. It was a bit run down and he didn’t have more than fifteen cars but sure all Peter wanted now was something that started and stopped and got him to Donegal and back to Eileen. The man Mark near broke his neck upon seeing a customer. Hello he said great day for it isn’t it. It’s a fine day said Peter, so you’re in the market for a fine car that’s what’s brought to myself. Yes sir looking for a good car nothing to fancy now, well got a couple of good ones to show you what’s your prize range. Now as not having been in the real world let’s say Peter fell right into this one telling him what he had to spend so of course there was a car at that price, £2,000 he said to McCauley great I have three cars around that price. He showed Peter a silver Laguna to begin with but it was full of rust and smelled of cat pee. I think there’s cats living in this one he said to McCauley who promptly closed the door the second car he showed him was the one for him even though McCauley said it was £250 over his budget he could have it for two grand, conveniently there were no prices on the cars. It was a lovely blue seat Toledo nice saloon. IL take it for a test drive if I may. You certainly can give me a second and I will get you the keys to which I am sure is about to be your new auto mobile. Started great she drove smoothly checked lights heating even the radio all played great. Back at the so called show room they made the deal and Peter drove to the BB with his first car ever. The church’s ones didn’t matter they weren’t his and he’d only ever driven his fathers. He felt so proud could have been driving a BMW and wouldn’t have felt any more proud. Simple things I’ve missed he thought pulling into the BB driveway. Nice big detached bungalow greeted him with quite a bit of land surrounding it. He got his bag out of the car and rang the bell out came a young teenager about fourteen. Hello said Peter, you looking for a room, said the young girl yes if there, s one come on in. Peter obliged as he did so a tall thin woman in her early forties came down the hallway. Hello she said Hello said Peter extending his hand which she half shook. A room is it, yes please, a single or a double she asked ushering him towards a wee desk in the hallway a single for one night thank you. That will be

  £22.00 with a full Irish breakfast in the morning which will be served between seven thirty am until nine thirty. That will be grand he said paying the woman and taking his key. I’ll show you to your room. Down the hall he was shown to nice Spartan clean room with en suite. I can also provide an evening meal at a little extra nothing special just what I’M making for the family mind. Yes thank you that would be very kind. Well we usually have it around six thirty seven o clock when the husbands back from his work so ill knock your door and your welcome to join us at the table or I can fix you a tray. Peter thought a tray in his room would be best didn’t t want a million questions whether noisiness or just harmless curiosity best less said the better. Putting his bag on the sideboard he remembered he wanted to call Eileen but had forgotten to buy that top-up thing at the garage when he was filling up his new car. He’d do that tomorrow on the way to Donegal he didn’t want her thinking he was just trying to save her from a so called life of sin or that he was full of it. Besides he longed to talk to her know her more, in that longing would only come more time, to be without her and make this trip longer than it was still a call tomorrow. He had so much he wanted to say that had been spinning around his head that he got up and went into the draws and sure enough there was three sheets of headed paper and an envelope with the BB’’s name address etc. So he sat and poured out his feelings to her and folded the letter and licked the envelope, he took out the piece of paper she’d written her address and number on and copied the address he,’ send her a letter to let her know he really did love her and that his heart and feelings were sincere. Setting it on the dresser to be posted in the morning he lay his head on the pillow and slept.

  A knock at the door was what roused him from his nap and dozily he opened the door to the kind lady of the BB who held out a tray for him to take. You must have been in some deep sleep she said I’ve been knocking a good while. I do apologize said Peter no worries I hope there’s enough there for you she lifted of the plastic lid covering the plate to reveal a big pile of spuds with their skins on and cauliflower cheese and chicken Kiev hope it’s to your taste. Peter surveying the plate said everything looked great and thanked her. He sat at the desk and enjoyed the dinner the woman had prepared, he could hear in the background the noises of the family all gathering to eat together. He longed to be part of a family again not just him and some ole fellows with nothing in common but celibacy and loneliness. He longed to sit down with Eileen and her son and have a joyous meal with music in the background and mindless chats about each other’s day all bound with love and he soon would, he wondered Jesus what kind of music do I even like anymore, what music does she like, can she, does she cook. OH so much to know and discover he longed for sleep again to bring tomorrow closer a day closer to all that and so much more. He went to the window it was dark now he drew the curtains and readied himself for a day to come full of everything anything. Little did he know that other peoples tomorrow's came with dark ideas of what they want for you and a darkness had been following him and his tomorrows and would reveal itself in the form of a man bent on vengeance and bitter hatred for all that was different to him and what he believed to be.

  Eileen’s Story

  CHAPTER 14

  Soaking in the bath filled with a whole bottle of Tesco’s best lavender bubbles and the room filled with votive candles Eileen lay back drinking a warm glass of red wine, and trying not to think of all the filth that was still soaked into her skin, you’ll get used to it or you’ll get hardened to it, Doreen had said as she counted Eileen’s share of today’s dirty money into her hand. She‘d wanked of three guys got fucked by four all doggy style and massaged two all resulting in the grand total of £800 pounds plus she got a total of fifty pounds tips. The wine numbed her less and less, she used her body scrub which used to be used to remove dry skin now she hoped it would remove the men from that day and their smell and the memories. All clean and just sitting in the dark with two flickering candles the phone rang, it wasn’t late just a little after nine, she hoped it wasn’t her family or friends she couldn’t put on another show for another second today, no more pretending today, she picked up the phone “Hello “hello could I speak to an Eileen O Hara please who’s calling she said suspiciously its Father O C Callaghan from Saint Anthony’s chapel in Belfast. OH father hello this is Eileen she felt a wave of hope flow through her better than any amount of wine as she rushed to sit back onto the couch with baited breath. Well I must apologise for the length of time it has taken me to contact you after our conversation that’ s ok fa
ther I’m just relieved you have, Do you have any news regarding Father O Kane, a pause at the end of the line that’s what has taken me so long, I was in a moral dilemma you see and I wasn’t sure if in contacting you I would be betraying my vows and my beliefs so I asked God and well you gathered his answer was yes to help you.

  Eileen listened and had no real clue as to what this young priest was going on about except he wasn’t sure to call or not what had that to do with the church. What did you find father, well your suspicions’ were right Father Harkin wasn’t being entirely truthful with you and it wasn’t his place to be, ok she said becoming more puzzled and anxious at the same time, just get to the bloody point she was thinking. Father O Kane has left us it would appear, left you yes he visited with his worship the Bishop of down and asked for a dispensation. Oh! A robin flew into Eileen’s heart and sang a song of pure joy, the relief that swept through her was short lived. OH father she said that’s so good to hear, I thought you might say that I take it there’s more to you than just your priest, yes father so much more and I to him. Well the strange thing is Eileen he had an appointment to meet with the cardinal and he never showed for the appointment. He left his car that is the parishes car at the bishops saying he was buying his own and hasn’t been heard from by anyone since. He did however leave a mobile number but it would appear he is still unreachable as its going to voice mail. Eileen remembered him telling her he had no phone but would purchase one. She too was puzzled by it all, it doesn’t make any sense why would he ask for a dispensation then disappear. Very troubling though not to add to your worries many priests have left the priesthood and never been heard of, they take off to other countries. But if his mission was you then I cannot for the life of me think where or what has happened to him. Are you going to contact the police father is he not a missing person surely. We cannot for one we are no longer his family so he is no longer our responsibility! You can of course but that is all the help I can offer at this stage. You have already done so much for me .Thank you father if you hear anything, anything at all please get in touch. Of course, my prayers are with you both. God bless you. Goodnight father. Hanging up the phone so many questions ran through her mind, what had happened to him where was he. Why didn’t he call, had he perhaps panicked and left without her. Is he drunk in some pub. Why would he go to so much effort to leave and then disappear he could have just disappeared. Another disappointment but not enough to give up he had kept his word, his love was out there she could feel it, she’d find him or he would find her. But this wasn’t the end, it was the beginning of her waiting for Peter and his love and her rescue.

  Looking deep into the wine glass thinking about Peter and what would happen to her now. Foolish bitch she thought he could have spinned that line to anyone. But her heart bounced in saying no, no liar. Either way tomorrow loomed, another day to sell herself. Its just us James she thought ill work till I have the debts and the mortgage arrears cleared then the Dhs will pay the interest and IL have money to live on. Then I can keep trying for a real job or go back to college finish my Beauty therapy, all pipe dreams of course. How did she allow herself to get here, she was so much smarter than that. Her soon to be ex-husband he’d dragged her down, how many more woman are there out there like me who get pulled in, pulled down by men. Love what’s that got to do with any of it. Daniel perused her from Dublin, he got her home number from the receptionist form her payment details and rang her, and rang and rang. He was coming to Belfast for a match did she want to meet up she agreed. She felt time to get her feet wet after being with her childhood sweetheart for so long, he was so persistant faltering really! She spent the night with him and saw him on and of him traveling up and down. He was clingy and to in her face sitting on her lap practical while she did her make-up. One day we had a row and I slapped him across the face, to my complete horror and shock he slapped me back, I couldn’t believe a man ,he hit me I fucked him out of my house even my brother never did that when we fought as kids. He sat outside in the pouring rain across the road from my house for hours until I went out and said go away its over and he cried and begged to talk. I did I know all the signs were there, the intensity of him, even stupidly I felt the rush of excitement with it all I know slap me again. Then he gets fired from his job at hotel and evicted from apartment he shared with a couple all in the same week. And I like a prize prat, complete sucker let him move up to live with me. He got a job at another hotel and even joined a local football team. But I still didn’t feel right around him or with him. He was always so critical of me and my friends. It starts of small as any woman or man knows reading this, from one of your eyebrows isn’t right or your gaining a few pounds, you don’t need make-up. Your getting fat. They become like something out of those alien movies ,where the alien takes over the person’s body like a host their skin grows on them until there completely immersed in this other being and no longer themselves, there just not there hidden under his needs, desires expectations disappointments of you. You distance yourself from your friends as he doesn’t like them or he hits on them. You pretend to be happy when family come the perfect host and he is so good at it all lovey dovey, cooking cleaning, no drink for you honey you know how it makes you bloat. Then one marriage and a new born son later your completely fucked your lost isolated and five stone over weight and hiding from the world in shame,in pain and in anguish.

  From the neighbours husband beating down the door cause he said Daniel was sleeping with his wife, which I did,nt believe she was fifty,if he found me repulsive surely not. I believed his story he could convince her, even when the receptionist at the hotel he worked at rang and left a voice mail saying please ask your husband to leave me alone, everyday he tortures me asking me out. I told him I would ring you and tell you, I have you have a right to know what you are married to! I knew I knew all those truths, when he lied to me I took it in, but I wasn’t able to really look at what was happening I wasn’t ready to look at the truth because when I did then I’d have to do something about it. Was I able to now, was I strong enough now, the answers weren’t at the bottom of an ice cream tub. I packed all his shit and fucked in into the drive for him coming home. I locked all the doors from the inside and sat in the dark hidden in the hall with the dogs and James asleep in his bed.He went mad kicking and punching at the door I opened the top wee window and told him about the message even played it for him. But she was a slut she wanted him she’s doing this because he rejected her. I want out, a divorce now fuck of before I call the police. He got into our family jeep reversed it up the drive and accelerated the engine I had no idea what he was doing until he drove as fast as he could gathering speed and crashed head on into my utility room breaking through part of the wall sending my washer and dryer flying,he was all cut up ,head bleeding. I ran out what the fucking hell is wrong with you. I won’t live without you. Yep took him back and tried to get rid of him four more times all resulting in four overdoses just never enough for him to die, Devil looks after his own the saying is true with him, and slicing his arm up in front of me I had no more strength left and with the money I saved from modelling, other than using it as a deposit for the house I opened up a café ”Hel, Kitchen” based on New York’s hell's kitchen. He was meant to run it as James still small and to be honest with five extra stone and no confidence or self esteem never mind the mind pain.

  At the time when this happened it nearly killed me but I,m grateful for all of it.It took this to happen for me to get me back and never take him back. He started an affair with a girl he met in the cafe, instead of running our business which was to support us, bring James a future he was spending all his time fucking her. He’d open up pop in and out, while all the time the chef was rubbing us blind from money to food. Now let me tell all who are reading this if you’re ever in a corner as to whether to tell a friend or a neighbour that their husband/wife are having an affair TELL THEM! My parents knew everyone knew when I would drop in with James the staff would ring and tell him I was the
re. The utter betrayal killed me almost. How did I find out the wee Saturday girl only seventeen was the only one who had the guts to tell me. By this time they are in love and when I kick him out they run away to Dublin to be together, well thank you god. But it was too late to save my business, yes all in my name I didn’t trust him that much, but fool me he robbed me and by the time I took over I couldn’t save it, sold all I could, closed up shop and left with huge debts! But I’m free of him and no I’m not worried that James won’t have a father it takes more than a sperm donation to be a father and by the age of three he’d witnessed enough.