Return

by J. A. Huss

  She looks away from me, staring into space, a little bit distracted by my words. “OK, Ash. If that makes you happy, I’ll stay away. But if he comes for me…” She looks up into my eyes again and the love flows through me. I want to keep her away from everything. It hurts me physically to think of her fighting in this war. “If he comes for me and says I have a job to do, then I can’t make any promises.”

  “I’ll just make sure he can’t get to you, then. Simple.”

  “Yeah, whatever.” She lifts her shirt over her head and starts to grab her uniform shirt, but I grab her arm and pull her close to me again.

  “You can’t just take your shirt off and expect me to be good.”

  She smirks at me. “I never expect you to be good, Ashur. You’re always bad.”

  And even though the world is about to end, my brothers are all fighting for our lives and the lives of others, and the being I consider my father is being held by the Angels at this very moment, all I’m thinking about is enjoying Selia one last time before it all collapses down on top of us.

  Chapter Eleven—ASHUR

  Two hours later we’re still in bed.

  I chuckle under my breath at this. Because I do not give one shit that I’m MIA in this war. Not one fucking shit.

  Selia moans a little as she shifts position on top of my chest, tenses up for a second, then relaxes into me and lets out a long sigh that signals she’s still asleep.

  My fingertips trace down her bare back and this tickles her, even when she’s dead to the world. She buckles a little when I trace her scars with my fingertips. One, two, three, four… I count them all until I get to twenty-seven.

  Twenty-seven holes in my Selia.

  The pain I feel when this fact hits home is all-encompassing. It fills me up and then that hurt spills over. It’s only tempered by the fact that she’s still here. But I’m a realist. All that really means is that she’s dead. Caleb brought her back from it before she crossed.

  Caleb gave her back.

  But why?

  Why?

  Even Lucan was at a loss. He never asked for Selia, that’s for sure. There’s no way Lucan would beg a favor for a human, not even one I loved.

  I wrap my arm around her a little tighter. She is so soft. Everything about Selia is soft. Her skin, her hair—I breathe it in and her scent makes all that overfilling hurt go away, even if it is only for a second or two. I love the way she smells. Her body is just the right combination of firm and squishy.

  I laugh a little at this. Because if she knew I called her squishy in my head she’d have a fit.

  But she is. When she’s lying on top of me, like she is now, she melds into every curve of my body. Like she’s a bag of sand and she just settles against me. I’ve never felt something so comfortable in my life.

  She’s the total opposite of Junco. Selia and I spent the last two years getting to know each other in every way possible. I trained with her, I ate with her, I slept with her, I argued and laughed and bathed and learned with her. We’ve been inseparable. It’s been good, actually. The time without Junco—for me, anyway—has been good.

  Tier says he loves Junco but I just can’t imagine that he does. I can’t. How could he? How could he love her and be able to sacrifice her for Lucan? It makes no sense to me. I’d choose Selia over Lucan every time.

  But Tier is so focused on his fucking job, he pushes Junco away. While Selia and I were falling in love these past two years, Tier was trying to forget Junco ever happened. He pretended she never existed. He never said her name. He never secretly watched the screens when Kadian was reporting on her back in the Band.

  He never once—not once—looked for her.

  We knew where Junco was. That’s not the point. The point is, if that was Selia in that tank out in the desert, I’d have fucking taken over that lab and sat next to that damn tank for every second she was in there. I’d have made sure she wasn’t conscious during the change. Just the thought of Selia having to experience the pain of a morph without a virtual to distract her makes me want to choke.

  If I was Tier, and I loved Junco, I would’ve done all those things.

  And since he didn’t, and since Lucan didn’t either, then all that shit that happened to Junco in the tank was part of the plan.

  And maybe I don’t really like Junco these days, but she was a friend once. I pictured myself with her back on Amelia during Fledge. She has that effect on people—she vibrates with a hum that calls to people. She’s got her own frequency, Arel used to say. Like she’s broadcasting a message that says, Come to me. Be with me.

  But no one can be with her—because she is singular. She is above everything. She has no attachment to her Siblings, not like the rest of them do to each other. They are a team in and of themselves. Junco is the Seventh wheel. The odd one out. She has no partner. Moju has Soli, Tukker has Esta, Sariel has Irin.

  But Junco has no one.

  I suppose that’s what Gideon was. Junco’s pseudo-partner. He’s a Seven, after all. Gideon and Lucan were very tight during Junco’s captivity. Gid helped Lucan kill all kinds of people. They were like Team Death incarnate. So Gid also shared some of Junco’s childhood while he and Lucan were bonding over the kill. And Lucan shared that with the 039.

  Gideon was a handler, not a partner. And yeah, I’m sure he’s got an attachment to Junco, but from the way Lucan tells it, he’s focused on the job he needs her to do.

  Why couldn’t Gideon be our Seven? I’m sure he’d be more than happy to complete the mission.

  But he’s not. Junco is.

  Junco is hard-nosed and yet emotional in every wrong way possible. She’s small, but she fights like a rabid prairie lion, kills best friends, mothers, fathers, and anyone else who gets in her way. She’s better trained than most of my Aves warriors and she can shoot someone between the eyes from four thousand yards out. She’s part machine, part human, part avian and every bit of her is High Order.

  Junco is dangerous. She is not good—in fact, she is probably evil. She is insane. She is unpredictable. She is angry, and sad, and defiant.

  And she is our only hope.

  Selia stirs under me and I absently touch my lips to her head and give her a kiss.

  If everything about Selia is soft, everything about Junco is hard. They are total opposites in every way imaginable. Selia is fair and golden. Junco is dark. Everything about Junco is dark. Even now with the Archer change, she’s dark. It’s got nothing to do with her hair color, either.

  Selia is a girl who commits to everything she does. Be it a relationship or a commander. Junco can’t commit to anything. She has no loyalties. None. Not to her father, not to her mother, not to her teammates.

  Hell, no one, and I do mean no one, thought Junco would kill Isec in the Seventh Fledge Battle. Her choice of Annun stunned everyone. Everyone.

  Yeah, sure, that was good for us because she tricked all the Archers into believing she was dependable. That she’d follow orders. Even I felt a little wave of relief when she followed that order. I remember thinking things would be OK. We had Junco, she was on board. She took Lucan’s order to heart, she killed her best friend.

  And that lasted for what? A day?

  Then it looked like she’d take Sera’s orders. She killed herself instead of Tier because Sera planted that idea in her head.

  And Lucan still thought she was on board. She was committed to Tier. We started discussing the idea that we could tell her the truth and she’d understand.

  And that lasted for what? A few months? Until we got to Earth and she found out not only was her father still alive, but also her first, Aren. And then like the dumbass he is, Aren tells her that he left her on purpose. So suddenly Aren is out, I’m out, Tier is out, Lucan is out, Sera is out—we’re all out. Only Moju, at that point, was in.

  And that lasted for what? Couple days? Until her childhood memories came back and then Gideon was in. Good old Gideon, that was a sure thing if ever there was one, right? T
hat lasted until the end of that mission.

  And then fucking Inanna—god-motherfucking-damn Inanna—went and leveled her up to High Order Archer status and took her wings without permission. And just when Gideon thought he had her safe and sound and recovering on Sargassum, she went AWOL to get him something very valuable. She’d been hiding things since she was a teenager and spare SEAR knives just happened to be one of them. Gid took this as a sign of loyalty, but that’s not how I saw it.

  To me, that SEAR knife was a trigger into her past. Opened up old wounds that were better left forgotten.

  But Gid was blind. He figured she was his. She’d always been his. She’d always succumbed to his orders before. So he got arrogant, figured he was her master. He told her things, too many things. And he ordered Junco to hand the Pillar over to Inanna and dissipate her inside so he could keep her away from the final battle.

  Great plan. Or it might’ve been, had Junco not got herself dissipated as well.

  Then there was that small break with John Hando. She did take Hand’s orders years ago, when she was a hit girl for the Texan Mafia.

  Call me cynical or whatever, but I’m pretty sure Hand’s days of ordering Junco around ended when he told her he was married and had a brood of kids.

  Who’s left? Who else could we possibly use to try to get Junco to comply with the only order that ever mattered?

  Who?

  No one. We’ve got no one.

  Who’s left to get their chance to use Junco and complete Lucan’s cycle of punishment? Why, the High Order, that’s who. And she’s so done with us, that just might work.

  In which case, this whole universe is fucked.

  “What are you grunting about under your breath?” Selia asks in a small whisper. She shuffles again, pushing her little mouth into my neck, just below my ear.

  I lean into her and drag my fingertips up and down her back again. This time I skirt around the bullet hole scars as best I can. I know where they are. I am intimately familiar with each and every one. I looked at her body scan until I could see them with my eyes closed. “Junco,” is all I say.

  “What about her?”

  The trickle of air that assaults my ear almost makes me flip her over and take her again. But I control myself, and just smile. “She’s got no loyalties, that’s all. She’s not bound to anything or anyone. It’s not good, Sel. It’s not good at all. And if what Arel says is true, then the Halo will complete soon and she’ll be dumped back out.”

  Selia actually pushes herself up off my chest for this. “You want her to stay trapped in there?”

  “I just think it’s safer for us if she’s incapacitated until the very last second. She’s unreliable.”

  “You don’t trust her?”

  I laugh out loud this time. “No! No one trusts her, Selia. And don’t tell me you do, because there’s no way you could.”

  Selia rolls over and sits up in the bed to separate herself from me. Apparently I’m wrong. “I trust her, Ashur. I know her.”

  “You don’t, Selia. I barely know her and I spent a significant amount of time with her. Hell, even Gideon is having his doubts, and he’s not called her handler for nothing.”

  “Well, none of you guys were there, OK? None of you guys were there the day she started putting the pieces together at her house. When she gave a statement to the media. I was there. I was standing two feet away from her. I saw her that day. I saw her panic, then look at me for help, and I helped her. And she trusted me, because she came out of her house later and changed my life. She trusted me to do a job and I came through for her. I trust her and she trusts me. I am Team Junco, no matter what.”

  I reach for her and before she can wiggle out of my grasp, I pull her back into my chest. “You know what? You’re right. She told me that once. When we first came back to Earth and she found out her real father was still alive. She told me the only reason she was going to Subjack’s camp was to see you. She said you were the only one who exceeded her expectations.”

  “See,” Selia says with a smile. “I need to see her, Ashur. I’m coming with you and when Junco comes out of that Pillar, I want to at least see her again. She’s my friend.”

  “No way, we’re staying here.”

  “No, Ashur.” She turns and cups my face with her hands. “We’re already dead, Ash. We’re already dead. Let’s not cross as cowards, OK?”

  “Oh! Cowards! You must be looking for a fight!” I flip her over, climb on so I’m straddling her waist, and then pin her wrists to the bed.

  She winks at me. “You have a job to do, so do it. I’m coming with you and”—she silences my upcoming protests with a ‘shhh’ that comes out as a hiss—“I’m coming with you because if this is the end, Ashur, then I want to spend every second of it with you. You can’t save me. I’m already dead. I can’t save you, you’re a player in this game.”

  I sigh and begin to mentally stack up all the reasons why this isn’t going to happen.

  But she reads me now, and my thoughts are interrupted. “Ashur, please,” she begs. “Please, take me with you. Don’t leave me behind to die alone and don’t quit the game because you’re scared of losing me. Please, just let me come. I’ll stick to your side, I’ll be your partner, I’ll fight for you, I’ll follow orders, I’ll do anything you want. Just don’t leave me here to die alone.”

  I let out a moan that turns into a growl as I fall back into the bed. “Fuck, Selia.”

  She gets out of bed and even though I should be looking at her ass or the curve of her hips as she walks over to the chair to grab her uniform, all I see are the bullet holes.

  All twenty-seven of them.

  Proof that she’s already dead.

  Why, Caleb? I’m dying to talk to him. I need to know the answer to this so bad. Why save her when clearly, clearly she was already dead? “Do they hurt?” I’m not sure why I ask it now, I’ve never asked before.

  Selia slips her shirt over her head and then pulls up her pants before she turns to face me. “Yes. They hurt all the time. But not pain like we know it. It’s like—it’s like each hole in my body is an empty vessel. And they make me feel… they make me feel like I’m spilling out through the holes. Like I’m sand and I’m spilling out of the holes in my body.”

  Or like she’s sand and she’s melding into my body when she’s next to me.

  “I love you, Selia.”

  She smiles and nods, tearing up a little. “I know, Ashur. I love you too. And no matter what, we’re gonna spend our end together. And when we meet on the other side, we’ll get our chance.”

  I get out of bed and turn to my own clothes on the floor so she can’t see my expression.

  How do I tell her? How do I tell her that I’ll never cross over and we’ll never get that chance?

  We are Tier and Junco. Only I’m Junco. I’m the filthy one and Selia is the one who is worthy. I can never cross, but the one I love has been Chosen.

  And how do you process that? How can I possibly be mad that the one living being I love above all else—even Lucan, even Tier—is saved, and I am damned?

  Chapter Twelve—ASHUR

  As soon as Arel sits down next to Selia and me at the mess table I know he’s pissed. It’s not hard to tell because Arel is a guy who almost never gets pissed, so when he is pissed, it’s not something he’s interested in hiding.

  My first clue is the way he thuds his boots when he walks. Arel is a small guy compared to the rest of us, so he tends to step lightly. Except when he’s pissed. Next it’s the scraping of the chair across the mess floor. Then the irritated sigh. Then the actual words.

  He growls them. “I’m gonna say this one time, Ashur. I’m not your fucking bitch. Merk needs your help down in the Stag. Tessen is out of control. The whole thing blew up down there, seven people are dead—”

  “What?” This has my attention.

  “Seven fucking warriors are dead. That abomination has killed seven of our warriors, including Bridge, Cres,
and Tak from the Fledge Team, Ashur.”

  “Where the fuck is Tier?”

  “I already told you,” he seethes. “He’s underground in the Polar Friendly, no messages in or out. I’m meeting up with Ryse now, and we’re gonna handle the Pillars together, but I expect your ass to show up at Pillar Four soon, do you understand me?”

  “Are you giving me an order?”

  “You can take that any way you want, asshole. Just handle that shit in the Stag and meet us at Pillar Four. Ryse isn’t gonna fight until Esta is back, and I said I’d help him, so that’s where out ground zero starts. We have a ship out there and you had better fucking show up.”

  And then he ports out of the mess.

  Selia stands and smooths down her armored shirt. “I’m ready, let’s go. Port us out of here.”

  I think about this for a second.

  “Ashur, the time for arguing is over. I’m going with you and if you leave me behind, I’ll steal a ship and fly myself back to Earth and spend the rest of my short life doing all manner of dangerous things without your help, you got it?”

  Selia can be a little bossy, but it’s sorta cute when she tries to tell me what to do. I don’t let her know that, though. I scowl at her instead. “Selia, I’m only gonna say this once, so listen. If I let you come”—she starts to balk on that word let but I ignore it—“then you will stay next to me at all times and you will follow my orders without question. You will not leave my side. If I go back to work then I gotta work, OK? People will start depending on me. I’ll have to act, I’ll have to make decisions, I’ll have to fight. And if I have to worry about you, I won’t be able to do that shit and warriors will die. It’s better that I stay away completely than risk people’s lives being distracted by you.”

  She starts nodding and then puts her arms around me. “OK, I will, I promise. Just port us to the Stag because I have to know what’s going on with that baby.”

  “Well, first off, that’s not a baby, Selia. It’s a… a… thing. It’s not a baby. OK? Babies are human, it’s not human.”