Dirty Morals

by Lexi Adams

  In reality, I’m still stuck on Mr. Fucking Perfect.

  I manage to clear my mind somewhat on the walk to the cafe, offering Kara a tired smile upon spotting her. She’s already ordered my usual and is obviously has pins and needles of anticipation as I approach the outdoor table. I slump into the chair, taking a big bite of my ham and cheese Panini. Kara makes a valiant effort to keep herself in control, I’ll give her that much. It’s growing increasingly apparent that she can barely contain herself, though. Taking another bite of my sandwich, I consider her through weary eyes.

  “So…,” she begins, leaning across the table to get a better look at me. I can’t imagine I look particularly nice, in spite of the restful night I’d had. My whole day has been spent feeling troubled over the idea of letting myself get attached to my client. I have to keep reminding myself, that’s all Caleb is supposed to be: a client. I’ve not had anyone I’m able to confide in; it’s not like I can tell my mother that I’m falling for a man who pays me for sex. As Kara watches me with wide and eager eyes, I can only wonder how much of a mistake it would be to tell her what’s going on in my life.

  It only takes a moment’s consideration before I spill everything. Literally, everything: from signing up to the escort site, to receiving the instant message from Caleb, to falling head over heels for a man who will be decidedly done with me at any time now. I even tell her about his strange desire to own women and her eyes glimmer with fascination and something akin to delight as I finish regaling my tale.

  “Then, I woke up in bed with him this morning. No sex the night before, nothing. Just… talking,” I groan, burying my face in my hands. I can feel Kara’s eyes on me, scrutinizing every little detail like she’s always done.

  “And… you’re not happy with this situation?” she prompts. I raise my head, looking at her disbelievingly. “It’s just that this seems like the perfect job for you. I know it’s temporary, but you’re getting paid a ton to sleep with a hot guy who doesn’t expect you to do an awful lot. I mean, I fail to see the negatives to this arrangement,” she says gently. I glance towards my watch, feeling suddenly irritated and more exhausted than ever.

  “I promised myself that I wouldn’t fall in love with him,” I elaborate. She doesn’t look convinced.

  “I think you’re reading too deeply into things. He treats you well and got you out of a bad situation. I’m sure you care about him, but I wouldn’t be so quick to call it love,” Kara says. I fight the desire to roll my eyes, taking a final bite of my sandwich and rising to my feet. It’s clear that Kara realizes that she’s made a bit of a flub, but I’m not too keen on sticking around for her to sputter out half-baked apologies.

  “I have to go back to work. I’ll let you know how it works out, Kara,” I say blandly, turning my back on her and walking back in the direction of the veterinary clinic. I can hear Kara call out to me, her voice apologetic, but I’m not in any mood to hear about how foolish I’m being. I’ve scolded myself enough for being an idiot, I don’t need to hear it from every other jerk-ass in town.

  Another irritating vibration from my phone and I realize I’m not particularly thrilled to hear from anyone on my contacts list at this point. I rip the device out of my pocket, narrowing my eyes at the screen when I realize it’s from a number I don’t recognize. Swiping to read the message, I’m startled to see that it’s from one of my old coworkers at the Jaybird. I blink blearily at the message, rereading the first few lines several times before finally finishing the message. My heart catches in my chest as I actually process what’s written in the text and it’s all I can do not to shriek.

  Just when I thought things couldn’t get any more complicated, an old friend jumps into the mix. At the very least, it’s not someone looking to land me in the sack. No, this is a lot less nefarious, at least on the surface. It’s Jenna, my old co-worker who is opening a club of her own in downtown Atlanta. She wants me to work the bottles and I can’t deny that it’s a tempting thought. The tips would be great; granted, not as great as five grand a night to sleep with a man with whom I’m falling in love. However, it leaves me with the question of whether or not I should continue this facade with Caleb.

  The job opportunity offers me the perfect ‘out’, as it were. It would be enough money to keep food on the table and pay off some of my mother’s bills. We wouldn’t exactly go without and it would certainly be a more steady source of income than the occasional pay per fuck. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that the man who has stolen my heart simply can’t feel the same. Believe me, I like to play pretend. I’d love to continue with this thought that someday Caleb will decide that he wants me and me alone.

  It’s a ridiculous notion. I can only provide so much for him and even though I like to think I’ve been a good enough fuck-toy, I know it’s only a matter of time before I am replaced. The thrill will be lost the moment the gorgeous asshole realizes that I’ve fallen for him. Better to break ties while I still have my dignity at the very least. It seems to be all I have left, as of late.

  Swallowing my pride and hesitation, I send a quick message to Jenna. I tell my old co-worker I’ll take the job and start immediately. She sends back a smiling emoji and though I know I should be thrilled, I can only feel empty inside. Oh well, having something to fill the void with makes going back to work all the better. I’m startled to see that the clinic has several voicemails, when I return. Now that I actually look at it, it appears that I’ve received my share of calls while I had my phone on silent earlier in the day. I don’t know how I didn’t notice it when I received the message from Jenna, but perhaps it’s better that I didn’t.

  The messages are from Caleb, asking me to return his call as soon as possible. Apparently being unable to contact me on my cell phone had been entirely unthinkable and unacceptable, so he’d taken to calling the office at which I’d casually mentioned working. The other receptionist looked at me with a smirk and I try to swallow my irritation as I sit down and delete the messages. There’s no doubt that they’ve already been played a thousand times over and I won’t hear the end of it until the end of work. Fortunately, there are only a few hours left in the day. If I can just survive until the end of the work day, I can explain things to Caleb. He doesn’t exactly deserve an explanation, considering the nature of our relationship. Just as well, I’d feel guilty leaving him up in the air. If I’m going to be cutting him off, he deserves to know why at the very least.

  Time to clock out doesn’t come fast enough, but when it strikes, it’s like a chorus of angels has descended from the Heavens. I punch my timecard, rushing out of the veterinary office and towards my car. I’d received several additional calls from Caleb throughout the day, but I made it very clear that no one at the office was to answer the calls. There had been almost a pleading tone in Caleb’s voice, like some kind of kicked puppy or something.

  Imagine my surprise when I saw the kicked puppy himself lingering outside the door of my apartment. My heart seizes in my chest and my first instinct is to turn tail and run. I realize I’d only be delaying the inevitable. However, he seems to spot me the second I turn the corner. I struggle to keep my expression passive, even as he rushes towards me with a rather wounded expression.

  “Maggie, I was worried about you. I didn’t expect you to leave without saying goodbye,” he begins and I can do little but laugh hollowly. He looks troubled by my cynical response, but I have no idea how he can blame me. He’s the one who set the stakes in this whole thing. He made the rules; I’m just following them. “Are you angry at me…?” Caleb asks nervously and I feel my heart break a bit in spite of myself. I know I should just tell him I’ve found another job, that I won’t be needing to provide my services any longer. However, I can’t shake that there’s something in his gaze that begs for more. Some explanation, some reason for me cutting him off. It makes no sense, all things considered. He has never been more kind to me. In the end, that was the problem, really.

  “I’m not
angry, Caleb. I’m just tired. I’m tired from work, I’m tired of this situation and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. Do you know how much it kills me? Knowing that any night you book me might be our last together? I promised myself that I wouldn’t get attached to you, but it seems like yet another thing I’m a failure at,” I say bitterly, pretending not to see the hurt in his gaze. I can’t afford to feel sorry for him. I can’t afford to put anyone above myself and my mother’s needs any longer.

  “W-what do you expect me to do?” he asks, his voice pained as he reaches out to me. I stare at him for a long moment, tempted to reach out and meet him halfway. I would like nothing more than to be drawn into his strong embrace. I would love nothing more than to pretend that all of this is leading to some happily ever after. However, I’m coming to realize that happily ever after just isn’t in the cards for a girl like me.

  “I don’t expect you to do anything, Caleb. But don’t expect anything from me either. I can’t do this anymore,” I sigh, slipping into my apartment. He moves to follow me, but I close the door in his face, slipping the latch into place. I lean against the door, a single tear streaming down my cheek as I think of the gravity of what I’ve done. In spite of myself and my previous anger for her, I find myself texting Kara for some comfort. The apologies between us go unspoken and I’m just happy to have my friend on my side.

  With her assurance, I’m certain that what I’ve done is for the best.

  7

  The one fortunate thing to come from this whole series of events is the fact that I can now afford to pay off a small chunk of my mother’s hospital bills. It’s certainly not enough to pay the entire amount, which rings in at well over one hundred grand, but it’s enough to make a sizeable impact. It’ll keep the debt collectors off of our step for a while and that’s my main concern. I can even pretend not to be bothered by the memory of Caleb’s broken face; I can carry the facade that I’m not wounded by the fact that I had to put a stop to things.

  My new cocktail waitressing job will bring in a fair amount of tips, at least as far as one can hope. It’s incomparable to my other job, but that’s pretty much a given at this point. Nothing could compare to what I shared with Caleb. I can’t even imagine another relationship being more fulfilling, even what people would consider a real relationship. If I’m being honest with myself, I feel like something of a monster for how cold I have ended things with the man I’ve come to adore. For a moment, I could fool myself into thinking he was as genuinely affected by our relationship as I was.

  There’s no way a man like him could change him mind in the matter of a mere week, however. The mere thought is laughable. It’s audacious to even consider that I hold some sort of animal magnetism that men are unable to resist. Even if I may be considered a catch for the general population, Caleb Robertson is anything but ‘general’. Just as well, it’s not going to do me any good to spend the rest of my life pining for what could have been. I’d put my foot down and now there’s no turning back. As if to remove any remnants of the man from my life, I find myself taking the remainder of his payments to the business office of the hospital. They’ll be rather surprised to see me in person, especially considering how I’ve been avoiding their calls and ignoring their messages as of late. My mailbox has been stacked to the top with late notices for the bills, threatening to send us to a debt collections office. I can’t afford for my credit to drop any lower than it already has, though it seems like a losing race at this point.

  Stepping into the front entrance of the hospital, I ignore the cheerful greeters as I shuffle in the direction of the main business office. As I step inside, I spot the vaguely familiar face of the clerk I’ve spent the most time working with. I offer her a little wave and though I expect her to turn angry eyes upon me, she looks all too delighted to see me. She also seems a bit confused, which I don’t suppose I can blame her for at this point. Walking towards her, she looks entirely startled as I pull a wad of the cash out of my pocket.

  “I’m here to pay some of my mother’s bills, Janice,” I say blandly and she tilts her head in confusion. Surely it can’t be that much of a surprise that I’d actually pay the damn things. How many people just accept their descent into unspeakable debt at this place?

  “Uhm, Ms. Stroud…? Your mother’s bills have already been paid,” she replied softly. I raise a brow, searching my mind for the last month I actually came here.

  “Well, it’s been a few months. I figured I was due by now,” I argue, only for her to shake her head. Her confusion shifts to understanding as she begins to search through the files on her desktop and she offers me a broad smile.

  “Oh! You haven’t been informed. How nice that I’ll be the one to tell you! An anonymous donor has paid off the entirety of your mother’s debt. You won’t have to make any additional payments to us. You’re free, as it were,” she grins. My breath catches in my throat and while my initial reaction is to be thrilled, there’s no question of who has paid this grand sum of money. Over one hundred thousand dollars couldn’t have been easy to let go of for anyone, unless of course, they had hundreds of thousands more in the bank. Gritting my teeth, I turn my back on Janice and stalk out of the office. I note that she seems startled by my action, but she couldn’t begin to understand my anger. Not that I would explain the situation to her, in any case.

  I’m tempted to call the man and give him a piece of my mind, but I’m so angry that I can’t even begin to fathom properly expressing myself through voice alone. I’m ready to punch the son of a bitch in the face, if it comes to it. It may seem strange that I’m so bothered by his generous donation, but in my mind it only means one thing. Our entire relationship is founded on money and he spent an unfathomable amount on my behalf. It equates, essentially, to him owning me. It wouldn’t be such a dreadful thought if I didn’t know he would invariably pull the plug on our relationship. If it could be defined as a relationship, anyway.

  The drive to his house is shorter than usual, which isn’t surprising considering I’m going around thirty over the speed limit. When I squeal into the parking complex, I’m sure I’ve drawn the attention of my fair share of people. It’s the last thing on my mind as I lurch out of my car, storming in the direction of Caleb’s private elevator. Pounding in the numbers, I tap my foot as the doors slide open, allowing me to step inside. A thousand thoughts race through my mind as the elevator rises towards the top of the building, They mainly consist of foul names I can call the eccentric billionaire for putting me through so much torment. Just when I think I will finally be free from his grasp, he finds a way to drag me back in.

  He managed to take any remnant or idea of a choice away from the situation. I’ve been driven to the brink of insanity by the idea of being his and his alone, but only on a timeline. If he wants this to come to a fallout, I’m more than happy to oblige him at this point. I’ve been pushed too hard, too far.

  When the elevator door opens, Caleb is situated on the sofa, watching the door almost expectantly. He considers me with a warm smile and I bare my teeth in a snarl as I lurch across the room towards him. His general sense of contentedness seems to evaporate as he sees how furious I am, but he doesn’t look apologetic. He just seems confused.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re getting at, Caleb?” I demand, looming over his seated form. He stares up at me with pursed lips, looking altogether unthreatened by my stance. I realize I couldn’t take him in an actual fight, at least under normal circumstances. However, at this point, it’s a chance I’m willing to take. I draw my hand back, pushing it forward with as much force as I can muster, slapping him across the face. His face jerks from the force of impact and when I expect him to get angry, he has the audacity to smirk.

  “I take it that my donation is not well received. Mind telling me what’s bothering you, like an actual adult?” he ripostes in a smarmy tone. I feel my eyes nearly bulge from my skull and I actively resist the desire to wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze
as tightly as I’m able.

  “You and I both know why you paid my mother’s hospital bills, you sick son of a bitch. Our relationship has been founded on nothing but the exchange of money. How the fuck am I supposed to work off one hundred grand?” I begin. He looks as if he’s going to respond so I hurriedly continue, “The answer is: I can’t! There’s no feasible way for me to pay back that amount of money. The only thing I can come up with is the idea of you wanting to own me permanently and I know you’re not a man who goes for indefinite relationships.” I bite the words out quickly before he’s able to manage a response. Caleb frowns, crossing his arms over his broad chest as he looks me up and down. There’s an angry mark forming on his face where I’d slapped him, but he seems unaffected by the pain it may be causing.

  “What makes you think I’m unable to commit to a permanent relationship? While paying your mother’s bills was not some ploy to purchase you indefinitely, I’ve come to terms with how I feel for you, Maggie. I want you forever. I want you to give yourself to me, to do with as I please. Not just now, but until the end of time,” he says passionately, seeming hurt by the implications I’ve made. I can’t help but laugh at him, tossing my head back and slapping my knee just to prove a point. He only seems further irritated, but I’m not here to make friends.