Poppy Shakespeare

by Clare Allan

  Which was all very well but about as much use as a book to be perfectly honest. I could of told Poppy simpler myself and a lot more practical, and I would if it weren't for the fact we weren't talking. If you'd got better they kicked you out and if you'd got worse you got sent upstairs, so the thing was to prove you'd stayed the same; but not exactly the same, not stuck, they liked to believe they was making a difference, so what you done was each symptom got better, you found something else got the same amount worse, and that way you made sure at the end, when they sent you out and totalled the columns, you made sure you come out balanced.

  Most probably I changed more than I needed to. I drawn it out in my head like a table, the same like we done in Life Skills. And on one side I put all of last year's symptoms and on the other side all of this year's, and I marked them out of ten how bad they was. For any symptom I crossed out, I written a new one opposite - and some of the stuff I come up with you'd never believe it! Then I added all the numbers up and I fiddled them till they balanced, and if that sounds deceitful, you had to be, and besides I was good at it. I knew how to shade a symptom from one to ten, just like colour by numbers. And not bragging or nothing but I done it so well they had to invent diagnoses (Diabolus Syndrome, Azazel Disorder) on account of I gone through so many they run out.

  To be honest, I didn't mind the annual assessments. It give me something to think about. I'd start planning my next one as soon as the door shut behind me. Then I'd sit for a year staring out of the window, shifting it up and down till it come out perfect. I planned it so hard, the assessment itself sometimes felt like an anticlimax. Like over before it begun sort of thing. When they come to the end of the doctors' questions, I'd still be waiting for them to go on and I'd drag out my answers to make it all last a bit longer. Sometimes they cut me off before I'd even finished.

  The other dribblers weren't like that though. I ain't saying they was insecure, but there weren't nothing got them so para as the annual assessments. Wesley, he freaked out that bad when he seen Tony coming to fetch him, he leapt through the window, glass flying all over, and gone straight through the roof of this four-wheel drive what was parked in the car park below. And they still didn't let him off of it. 'Cause even as the fire brigade was trying to cut him out, all sawing away and Wesley up to his chest in the roof of the car, and Dr Clootie, whose car it was, stamping and screaming, and us lot all pushing and crowding the windows above, there was Tony crouched on the top of the Range Rover next to him, shouting across the doctors' questions, and Dr Azazel sat on the boot, shooking his head and trying to work out whether Wesley was mad or not.

  'You ain't said about the mirrors,' said Sue.

  'We don't know that,' said Middle-Class Michael.

  'Well I'll tell her then,' said Sue the Sticks, but Michael got in first.

  'There's a mirror on the wall in the assessment room.' About so big; he shown her. 'It's been suggested it might be one of those two-way mirrors with a viewing room behind it.'

  'Like ID parades,' said Sue the Sticks.

  'We don't have conclusive evidence,' said Michael. 'A smoking gun, so to speak.'

  Poppy nodded but her eyes glazed over. I don't think she was even listening.

  'It's stupid,' said Astrid. 'There ain't no room.'

  'I heard them in there,' said Sue, 'and so did Candid.'

  'And I smelled cigarette smoke,' said Wesley. 'And none of the doctors was smoking.'

  'Amazing, Watson!' Zubin said.

  'Fuck off.' said Wesley. 'I'm Wesley innit.'

  'It's Holmes, anyway,' said Middle-Class Michael.

  'You what?' said Zubin.

  'It's "Amazing, Holmes!"'

  Zubin give a tut. 'I was being ironic.'

  'You've lost me anyway,' said Sue the Sticks, formerly known as Slasher Sue, before she give up self-harming. 'All I'm saying is we know there's a room and there must be a room 'cause Verna's seen them selling the tickets down Sniff Street Underground.'

  'What!' we said, everyone except Poppy who looked like a sponge been that overfilled she couldn't take in no more.

  'Verna seen them Saturday lunchtime,' said Sue. She looked around and nodded her head, like 'See what did I tell you!'

  'Watson!' said Wesley. 'What did I fucking tell you!'

  'Go on,' said Sue the Sticks. 'Tell 'em, Verna.'

  Verna looked down and fingered this bump on her finger. 'Some of the junior doctors,' she said. 'They were selling these tickets. I don't know what they were for.'

  'On Saturday lunchtime?' said Candid Headphones. 'I was down there. I reckon I seen them too!'

  'Go on,' said Sue.

  'That's it,' said Verna. 'One pound a ticket, it was. Or six for a fiver.'

  'It was probably a raffle,' said Middle-Class Michael.

  'Exactly,' said Astrid; she was well pissed-off, 'cause she'd been down the Kwik-Kleen, hadn't seen them.

  'Don't think so,' said Sue the Sticks. 'Listen to this!'

  'I don't know for sure,' said Verna.

  'Just tell them!' said Sue.

  'Well one of them . . .' said Verna the Vomit.

  'Which one?' said Rosetta.

  'Dr Swazzle, I think,' said Verna. 'Or Dr Proctor.'

  'They all look the same,' said Sue the Sticks.

  'I heard him saying he could give them the best laugh in town,' Verna said.

  'He said they got free drinks as well,' said Sue the Sticks, looking round. 'And if they give him a kiss he could get them a front-row seat.'

  'All for a pound,' said Zubin. 'Ain't bad value.'

  'I'm going to talk to the Patients' Council,' Middle-Class Michael said. 'This is a serious breach of patients' rights.'

  'Well I wouldn't know about that,' said Sue. 'But it ain't what you'd call confidential.'

  'They should charge more,' said Zubin. 'Fuck patients' rights. I'd sell my rights if they'd give me a cut.'

  'Yeah man!' said Wesley and he sat there laughing at the thought of all the money pouring in. Then he remembered how Zubin had called him Watson. 'Tosser,' he said.

  I ain't saying I thought it was true exactly, being no one like dribblers for cooking up paranoia, but the only thing was there wasn't no proof it wasn't. And the more I thought, the more I could see that room behind the mirror, and I seen it so clear and precise it was like I'd been there. Row after row of seats going up like a giant cinema, and ushers with torches showing in sniffs till every seat was full, and the sniffs all sat there chatting and laughing and snogging and stuffing their faces with popcorn, served in great fists by Sharon downstairs in the foyer. Then the screen gone up and everyone fell silent, and there was the window into the room and there was the doctors sat in a circle and Tony with his microphone. 'Come in, N!' he was saying.

  So I felt pretty grateful when Verna and Sue offered to check things out. 'How you going to do that?' said Astrid. 'Buy yourselves a ticket?'

  But Verna and Sue said they'd check all the doors with what they knew was behind them. And Middle-Class Michael said he'd give them a plan 'cause they got one down Patients' Council.

  And after that it was dinner time so we lined up behind the flops. And even though we'd missed our dinner the day before and was practically starving, most of us, we all let Verna and Sue go first on account of they had to get going.'Cause that's how dribblers is, magnaminious, but none of the flops wouldn't let them in at all.

  19. How Poppy eaten a piece of humble pie

  Dinner that day was fatty lamb curry, the same we'd had the day before with curry powder mixed in. Dinner on Tuesdays was always fatty lamb curry. When Canteen Coral give me mine, she said, 'Who's that new girl peas or carrots.'

  'Peas,' I said. 'Oh, her; that's Poppy. I'm showing her round,' I said. And I looked back down the queue where Poppy was stood, in between Candid Headphones and White Wesley. Her arms was crossed and she leant on one hip like a piece of designer gear in a charity shop.

  'And what's supposed to be wrong with "Poppy" peas or carro
ts,' said Canteen Coral, but she'd already moved on to Middle-Class Michael, who begun to explain how he only wanted peas.

  I got my orange eventually, but Verna was doing for Sue the Sticks as well, 'cause Sue couldn't carry it. So I had to wait while she taken the first tray and then come back for the second and all the time my dinner was getting cold.

  I was so busy downing my fatty lamb curry before it grown frost on top, do you know what I'm saying, and my head more or less on a level with the table, and my mouth like a great open cave as I shovelled it in, that I never even noticed Poppy come over.

  'Do you mind if I sit here?' said this voice, and my head jerked backwards to see where it come from and shown her a mouthful of curry.

  I nodded; I couldn't do nothing else. It was full five minutes before I'd emptied my mouth enough to speak.

  Poppy taken the seat across from me diagonal. 'I just need a bit of sane conversation,' she said. 'Do you know what I'm saying?!' And she smiled at me like she knew I was trapped; I couldn't come back at her till I'd chewed my mouthful.

  'What a fucking morning!' said Poppy. 'These last two days; I can't get my head round it! I said to them yesterday, I said, "You've brought me here so why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

  'And do you know what they said to me?' she said.

  I shaken my head; there weren't nothing else I could do.

  'They said, "That's for you to tell us!'" she said. So what did you expect, I thought to myself.

  ' "No, mate," I said,' said Poppy. ' "You're keeping me here. So how about you tell me why?" And do you know what that Tony said?' she said.

  I grinned. I couldn't help it. It was just the thought of her calling Tony 'mate'. A small bit of lamb fallen out of my mouth and landed back on my plate. Poppy hadn't ate none of her dinner at all.

  'He said,' she said, 'that that's what I was here for. "These things take time," he said. "You need to be patient." "I haven't got time," I said. "I've got a kid! Do you know what I'm saying! I've got to earn money. I can't be sat on my arse in here all day!" No disrespect,' she said. ' "Well perhaps you'll have to make time," he said. "It's taken thirty-four years to develop your problems, you can't expect to solve them overnight." "But that's what I want you to tell me!" I said. "What are my problems exactly?!" "We can help you out with benefits advice," he said, and that was it. Jesus, N! - it is N isn't it? - I mean where do I go from here? That's what I want to know.'

  I'd been chewing so hard my jaw was aching, felt like it been chewing elastic bands. To my right I seen Astrid and Tina sat down at the table next to us, 'stead of taking the one at the back like they always done. Astrid was straining so hard to hear, her ears was flapping like pair of great pink fans.

  I nodded at Poppy like 'carry on'. She still hadn't touched her dinner.

  'So this morning, right, I take Saffra to school, and then I go straight back home,' Poppy said. 'And I'm just ringing up the agency - I rang them on Friday as soon as I knew, but they didn't have anything in, same as always, which is how I wound up signing on, do you know what I'm saying! — so anyway, I'm on the phone and they're checking through to see what's come in, when the buzzer goes, and it keeps on going. So I'm like "Alright, mate! Calm down!" and I push the thing and all these fucking police come rushing up the stairs.'

  She looked at me like, 'Do you know what I'm saying!' And I give her a nod and glanced to my right; Astrid was leant out halfway across the aisle.

  'There was more of them outside,' said Poppy. 'This group in the road with riot shields. Do you know what I'm saying, N?' she said. 'My neighbours must have thought I'd murdered someone! So then they tell me I've got to go with them and I'm s'posed to be up here. "I'm not," I said. "There's nothing wrong with me. Do I look like a nutter!" No offence,' she said. 'And they said it wasn't up to them and I needed to calm myself down. "If you refuse," they said. "We'll have to section you." "Fuck off" I said. "You need to calm down," they said. "You're not making this easy." And then they handcuffed me. Do you know what I'm saying!'

  I nodded and swallowed and felt it go down like a snake just eaten a cow. 'Did they give you a jab up the arse?' I said. My jaw felt like it run a marathon.

  'What?' said Poppy.

  'A jab up the arse,' I said. 'They usually do.' It didn't look like they had, the way she was buzzing, but I weren't sure Poppy be normal with anything. 'So you on a section?' I said.

  'I don't think so,' said Poppy. 'If I don't come they will though; they'll put me on the wards.'

  'Thing is,' I said. 'There's lots of people waiting for the places. That's why they's funny about it.' And I told her about the waiting list, how long it was, and all the people on it. 'There's people,' I said, 'go on when they're born and they's drawing their pensions before they've moved up three places. There's people whose grandparents was on, and their grandparents too, and they taken their place when they passed and they still ain't here yet. I don't know if it's true,'I said, 'but I heard if Jesus been put on the list like when he was born - or even before, when Gabriel told Mary he was coming - I heard if they'd put his name down then, he'd still only be at three hundred and fifty-seven.'

  'But I thought,' said Poppy. 'That bloke on the table . . .'

  'Middle-Class Michael?' I said.

  Poppy grinned. 'I thought he said it had only been going about twenty years or something.'

  'I don't know,' I said. 'I'm just saying what I heard. And anyway,' I said. 'They would still of been waiting. Maybe that's why it got so long in the first place. They couldn't even begin moving up till twenty years ago. You going to eat your lamb?' I said.

  'Think I'll leave it,' she said. And she pushed the tray away from her with a look on her face like a cat what sicked up his dinner. With anyone else I'd of helped myself, and I ain't saying my fork didn't start drifting over, but anyway I put it down; I weren't no Jacko the Penguin.

  So then I explained how the waiting list was only the tip of the iceberg. Before that there was the pre-waiting list and before that you was just pre-list; your name got typed in a MAD computer and no one never heard of you again. Poppy begun laugh at that and I felt my face gone red. 'But it ain't like it's news to you,' I said. 'How long was you on the list, anyway?' Astrid was leant so far towards us, her great flabby arse was practically touching the floor.

  'I wasn't on any list,' said Poppy.

  'You must of been,' I said. 'Unless you come down through the wards, which you didn't.' She shaken her head.

  'Or unless you got prioritised, but you'd still have to be on the list. Most probably you've been on it so long you've forgot you was even on it. Maybe your mum was on it,' I said.

  'I don't think so,' said Poppy.

  'Maybe they never told you your name was down. Either way,' I said. 'You must of been on it. There ain't no other explanation. And you must of got randomised,' I told her. 'Everyone's randomised. They don't even let you in through the door without you been randomised.'

  But Poppy said she'd never heard of randomising neither. So I had to explain about that as well, how they got to do it because of the law, to prove how the Abaddon worked. 'When you've got to the top of the list,' I said, 'they flick a coin so it's fifty-fifty: heads they admit you; tails, they don't. That's how they get their statistics, innit,' I said. 'So if more tails kill theirselves than heads, they know the Abaddon's working. And the other way round, they know they got something wrong.' And all the time I was telling her, I felt Astrid just to my right straining further towards us. So as I kept talking I dropped my voice and the more I dropped it the further Astrid leant over and Poppy seen what I was doing and she started to grin and she put up her hand so Astrid couldn't see she was laughing. 'They do it on the wards as well,' I whispered. 'It's sort of like science. That's what psychiatry is,' I was practically mouthing. 'It's all. . .' And just at that moment there come this enormous crash like a bomb exploded, and Astrid had leant that far she'd fell off of her chair, and she landed so hard on the floor she made like a crater and Tina h
ad to push and pull and lever and lather to get her back on her feet. But me and Poppy, we couldn't help on account we was laughing too much. We laughed till we cried; we practically pissed ourselves laughing. And even after Astrid gone out, the worst hump you seen in your life and Tina fetched her a cup of tea and taken her arm and trotted along like a calf besides its heifer, we still couldn't stop; we laughed and laughed and laughed.

  And after that, whatever I said, it seemed like the funniest thing you ever heard. And I ain't saying I was nothing special or nothing but I must of got on a roll. 'Cause I tried to finish explaining Poppy about the randomising but I couldn't even finish my sentence before we was screaming again. 'We's just the lucky ones,' I said. 'We's just the lucky ones!'

  And Poppy was laughing so much the tears was streaming down her face.

  'We's just the lucky ones,' I said.

  'Do you know what I'm saying!' said Poppy and we started again.

  20. A bit about my childhood, you can skip if you ain't interested

  When I was a kid, I got moved around more than a pass-the-fucking-parcel. I once tried to count all the places I been, and I couldn't remember half of their names, but I reckon it must of been well over fifty easy. Some of them I was a regular, like Mrs Dalrymple I gone to about twenty times, but only just for a couple of nights like emergency till they found me a long-term placement. Mrs Dalrymple had a bright red front door and you slept in this creaky bunk-bed. On the wall by the bed there was writing and that left by the kids gone before and sometimes she tried to scrub it off but you could still read the words if you looked at it close enough. I used to find stuff I'd wrote myself like messages from a younger me what didn't exist any more.

  The longest I stayed anywhere was a year, which was when I was four till five 'cause they'd found me and Mum up near Ally Pally laying on the railway line. Mostly it was like three or four months, then they let her out and I gone back home for a bit till she lost it again. My favourite place was Sunshine House and as I got older they sent me there more and more. Sunshine House weren't too bad to be honest; you didn't have family dinners and shit, and no one to tell you to do your homework; you just sniffed glue and done what the fuck you wanted. But when I was younger, they used to try and place me. They placed me every which way they could think of, this way and that way and turn me around and how about over here, but wherever they placed me, they just couldn't get me to fit. It was like I was this jigsaw piece got into the wrong puzzle by mistake, and in the end they give up and stuck me in Sunshine House.