by Faust, Megan
Alice rushed to his side. “Are you okay?”
“No,” he growled. “I am not okay.”
Alice’s eyes went wide and Seth thought, This is it. Took a lot longer than I thought it would but here comes that famous temper at last. Go on and show her what you’re really like.
Brant shifted to sitting and examined his hands with a scowl. He was breathing hard and his teeth were clenched tight.
“Brant?” Her voice wavered.
“I’m not okay. I hurt, everywhere. At first it was just an occasional ache in my foot, just enough to make me want the pain killers again.”
“Is that what you were hooked on? Pain killers?”
“Yeah. After the fight last week my ribs hurt, my face hurt, and I couldn’t even take a regular over the counter pain killer because it might hinder my recovery. It hurt to walk or even breathe the day after, but it was getting better. Now I’ve jarred it again and the pain is all I can think about.”
Alice relaxed and sat on the cool gravel next to him, waiting for him to be ready to move. Seth just stood silently fuming. Brant took a deep breath and winced.
“Why didn’t you tell us it hurt so badly?” Alice said.
“Because I was scared. I want to be getting better, not worse. I want to believe that I can beat this. If I’m going to back slide every time I get hurt I’m in big trouble. I saw that race on TV and for the first time since checking in I wanted to drive more than I wanted the drugs and I don’t want to lose that feeling.”
“I’ve never been on pain killers so I don’t have any advice for you. Have you told all this to Dr. Keaton?”
“Dr. Keaton is trying to help him; he’s never recognized help when it was offered, or accepted it graciously,” Seth said.
“True. No, I haven’t told him about the pain, I just want to get better so I ignore it. Can we go in now? I have a few snacks left in my room, enough to share.”
“Yes, we can go in,” Alice said, helping Brant to his feet.
“Fine, if that’s what you want,” Seth added.
“You two find a couch, I’ll get the snacks.”
“Can’t Seth get them,” Alice said, hovering. “You shouldn’t be going up and down the stairs.”
Before Seth could grumble an answer Brant said, “I’ll take it slow. It’ll stretch my knees so the fall doesn’t make them stiff.” Brant gave Seth a curt nod when Alice wasn’t looking.
Seth wanted to punch him there on the spot. I’m not ready to talk to her about this, not after his sob story. She’ll think I’m abandoning him in his hour of need and she’ll hate me forever. Damn him!
When Brant returned with a box of crackers and two chocolate bars Seth and Alice were talking about their worst elementary school teachers. “I only have two chocolate bars left,” he said. “Since Seth bought them he gets one and Alice gets the other.”
“Oh no, I don’t mind. It’s yours, you eat it.”
“No, thanks. That day when everything went crazy with Penny I ate so much junk food I puked. I don’t even want to look at the stupid thing.”
Alice laughed. “If you feel so strongly about it,” she took the offered treat. “I haven’t had chocolate in a long time. So, Brant, who was your worst teacher?”
“Oh, I didn’t get along with any of my teachers until my senior four math teacher. He wrote all my questions out in terms of car racing. The circumference of a circle became the distance around a race track and such. Other than his class, I hated school.”
“I never made it to senior four,” Alice said. “I dropped out at sixteen.”
“Why did you do that?” Brant asked as he opened the crackers. He offered her the box. “Did you want one?”
“Thanks. I actually like these. I let my eighteen-year old boyfriend talk me into moving in with him. I got a job flipping burgers for a while but I showed up high too many times and got fired. After that I stayed home and cooked and cleaned, when I could remember to. Life is kind of slack when you’re living with a dealer.”
“Did he mistreat you?” Seth asked gently.
“Other than feeding my habit, no, he didn’t abuse me. I was young, in love, and hooked on the drugs.”
“Have you been with him the whole time?” Brant asked.
“No.”
“What happened?”
“Oh, he just didn’t come home one day. I was used to his little business trips taking a day or two but that last time he skipped town to avoid the cops. I got busted but I was a minor so they let me off with a warning and sent me home. I should have learned my lesson then, but I didn’t.”
“Why didn’t you go into rehab then?”
“I was stubborn. I told my mom I didn’t need rehab and that I could stay clean on my own. I made it for a few months and then I ended up at a party and smoked a joint and the next thing I know I’m living with another dealer.”
“How many?” Brant asked.
“Maybe a dozen in five years, and eight trips to six different rehab centers. I was in rehab about a year ago feeling angry at the world when my last boyfriend scooped me up. That’s when my brother cut me off—I told you about that. Two months ago I left him but it took me a few weeks to make my way here. And that’s my whole ugly story.”
“Why didn’t you get clean?” Seth asked. “You were in rehab.”
She shrugged. “Getting clean is hard work. These guys offered me an easy way out. They all promised to help me quit gradually but that never happened.”
“It must be hard for you to trust me,” Brant said. “You’ve probably heard every promise and every excuse.”
“No one ever told me they were buying the coke to bait a mouse trap before,” she said with a smirk.
He smiled back. “I’m going to stay clean.”
“Me, too.”
Seth glanced from one to the other and wished he had taken advantage of his brief time alone with Alice even if the timing wasn’t quite right. Now they’re staring at each other like they’re alone and smiling those knowing smiles. I told him I loved her. The bastard can’t stand to see me have anything nice, or do anything before him. He has to be first at everything. It must make him angry that Chloe got engaged first and now he doesn’t want to be last. He had never used so there was nothing he could add to the conversation. I want to tell her I’ll protect her from people like her ex-boyfriends, and people like Brant. But how?”
“Of both addictions,” Brant added, catching Seth’s attention.
“What else were you using?”
“We were talking, oh it was almost a week ago now, and Alice said I was addicted to anger and I think she was right. I’ve been talking with Dr. Keaton about it and he’s helping me find ways to choose to react differently now, even though it means I don’t always get my way, like with you this morning.”
“So that’s why you’re acting like a peace loving hippy all of a sudden.”
Their family had always been traditional and conservative. Grandpa Bye had told them stories of the ‘wild, irresponsible,’ hippies and their ‘vile communist poison’. Brant knew an underhanded insult when he heard one.
“Can it, Seth,” Brant snapped. “I thought you’d be happy that I’m finally changing. You won’t have to cover for me anymore. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
Seth felt his gut tighten. I’ve always watched his back. If he doesn’t need me then will I protect? Alice. There’s Alice, now. She needs me.
Alice was watching the beginning of the argument with her heart in her throat and a voice in the back of her head screaming at her to run. That voice had kept her alive for five years but she stood her ground. He said he’d change and so will I. No more running. He’ll let go of the argument as soon as it’s done, just like he said he would.
“But you won’t change,” Seth said. “You can’t. You’re angry now!”
“No, I’m just mad at you,” Brant said. “That doesn’t mean I’ll stay mad.”
“What? No grudge? Are you going
to forgive me too?”
“That depends on what you say, Seth. There are some things that are unforgiveable but I’ve never seen you go that far. You’re a fixer, not a fighter, and you should be proud of that.”
Already Brant was becoming reasonable again. Seth stood. “I have some errands to run. You’ll want more food for your next temper tantrum and I owe Mom a phone call.”
Brant smiled at Alice and followed Seth to the door. “You don’t have to go.”
“Stop pretending, Brant. Alice can’t hear you over here. We both know you’re just pretending for her sake. You’ll never be able to keep this up.”
“When did you become so angry, Seth? Did you always hate me this much?”
“No, but I was always disgusted by your attitude and the way you got away with everything.”
“So why now, Seth?”
“Alice, of course. We both love her but you’ll end up hurting her.”
“Do you love her or the idea of protecting her from everything, including herself?”
“It’s the same thing!”
Brant’s smile looked weary. “Are you coming back tomorrow?”
“I need to talk to Alice tomorrow. And you’d better not say anything to anyone about it.” Seth turned and stormed out.
* * * *
Brant and Alice spent the rest of the morning in the Common Room, each lost in their own thoughts. Against her better judgement Alice trusted Brant. He’s under all this stress and his anger is just leaking away. I’ve seen so many people become angry and cynical from being in rehab. But Brant’s been here half the time I have—no one gets over an addiction that fast. But I’ve never met someone with as much to lose as Brant. Most of us have already lost it all.
She sighed and flipped the page of the magazine on her lap even though she hadn’t read anything. I’ve fallen hard and fast before, but was it love or just a longing to escape in any way possible? They didn’t love me. When Brant looks at me there’s something in his eyes, they go soft and they make his whole face look gentle. I’ve never found gentle attractive before. He looks at me like there’s no one else in the room. He looks at me like there is no room!
She snuck a peak at Brant but he could have been asleep on the other couch for all she knew. He’s in love, there’s no question about it. Do I love him? It’s been two weeks since he walked in that door, is that really long enough? Didn’t Seth say their sister fell so madly in love in only twenty-four hours that she stood up to Brant? Twenty-four hours and it was the real thing. Oh, but I’ve made so many mistakes and there’s Seth to consider. She took a deep breath.
I can’t be in love with either of them until we get out of here. Rules are rules and that’s all there is to it. Feeling content with her neat little solution she glanced down at the magazine in her lap and made a face. Who would actually wear something like that?” She flipped the page again.
* * * *
After lunch they retreated to the library at Brant’s suggestion. It was quiet there and Brant knew the books would make Alice feel more comfortable.
“Why did Seth really leave?” she asked as she trailed her fingers along the decorative spines of the encyclopaedias.
“He doesn’t want me to change, I don’t know why.”
“I guess you’re his addiction. He’s addicted to helping people and he’d have no one if you changed.”
That’s why he loves you, Brant thought.
“What were you thinking just now?”
It didn’t matter how angry Seth was, a promise was a promise. “That you may be right about him.” They smiled at each other. “You’ve been a big help to me this last week and I would like to talk with you again, if I could.”
“You are talking.”
“I mean talk about what I was thinking earlier.”
“You were lost in thought for a long time. I thought you might have dropped off.”
“No, I wasn’t sleeping, but some of it felt like a dream.”
“So they were good thoughts?”
He sat in the chair in the corner and nodded. “I was thinking about you.”
“Brant …” She took a step back.
“I’m sorry, that sounds all creepy and I didn’t want it to. Will you listen without running away? I promise that when I’m done you can go and hide and never talk to me again if that’s what you need to do but I need to say these things because just thinking them is going to drive me crazy. Please.”
He’s asking too much of me, whatever it is he has to say he knows it will be too much for me and yet he’s asking anyways. She wanted to be mad at him but she could see the hope and the sad acceptance in his eyes and simply couldn’t call up the anger. She took a few deep breaths but her voice still came out shaky. “Okay, I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try to hear you out.”
“Thank you. This has been the strangest couple of weeks of my life. I don’t think people are meant to change this fast. I don’t know which way is up, I don’t know who I am or what defines me anymore and that scares me more than any race or wreck I’ve seen or been in but so far it’s been positive.
“Alice, you were the reason I even considered changing. When I came here I was angry at my sister and Seth and the whole world because I didn’t want to be mad at me. I didn’t know how to admit that I had been wrong or that I had messed up and had no one to blame but myself. And then I saw you eating dinner and I thought you looked so sad and so hurt. Seth kept telling me to leave you alone, that I’d hurt you, and I had to get to know you and find out your story because I was afraid it was someone selfish and angry like me who had hurt you in the first place.
“Then I started talking to you, and yeah, I was stubborn and pushy about it, but I thought you were nice and sweet and I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to hurt you, to destroy you the way they had. You’re beautiful and your voice is music and your laugh—nothing else matters anymore except making you laugh.
“Maybe my family has the bad habit of living life too fast; my sister fell in love in a single day. It took me a little longer than that but I fell in love with you Alice. I want your voice and your laughter and your beauty in my life. I know this is too much all at once and I’m moving too fast. I promise I won’t say another word about this unless you want to discuss it. If you want to hide I won’t chase you or come looking for you. If you just want to be friends, well, at least I get to hear you laugh and talk sometimes. And … and … I don’t know what else to say.”
“Shit.”
He blushed. “I thought you’d run away or cry but I wasn’t expecting that.”
“I’m sorry, I spent all day debating whether I had feelings for you, or your brother, or neither of you and instead of working it out I said, ‘I can’t love because the center has rules’. Have you thought of that? There are strict rules about no romantic relationships while you’re in here.”
“I know and I don’t want you to be kicked out. I could leave, if that would be easier for you. I’d give you the number at the farm and you could call me there when you get out and we could talk it over then. You deserve to be here, to get better; I won’t ruin that for you.”
“I don’t want you to leave until you’re ready to.”
“Nothing needs to change between us. I don’t have to hold your hand or kiss you—I would give anything to be allowed to kiss you right now. But I’ll wait, or I’ll just forget it, or whatever you say. I promise. We can go on talking and laughing together until Dr. Keaton lets us out of here.”
“You’d really take no for an answer?”
He nodded.
“Can I run away now? Just long enough to catch my breath? I just … I don’t know what to think.”
He nodded again. “I’ll wait.”
She forced a smile and fled to her room.
* * * *
Brant went for dinner at the usual time. Tonight was ham, baked potatoes, and an assortment of noodles, with or without cheese sauce. Ham was Brant’s least f
avourite meat but the rest of dinner looked delicious. When Alice came in she didn’t even look at him and his appetite left him. He waited until she had settled at a different table then he dropped his tray and his half-finished meal on the pile and walked out.
He was moping in his room when someone knocked on the door. “Yeah?” he called.
“I’m ready to talk.”
Her voice lifted his spirits and he was smiling when he opened the door. “Alice.”
“Did you want to take a walk outside? It’s a nice evening.”
“Sure, I’ll come for a walk with you.”
As they strolled through the garden she said, “What does your brother think of all this?”
“He’s convinced I’ll hurt you eventually, he believes this change I’m undergoing is an elaborate game to seduce you. If there’s anything else he should tell you himself. I don’t want him to hate me when all this is over.”
“Is this an elaborate game?”
“No. Even if you only want to be friends I like this new me a lot better than the old me. I don’t want to be that person again and I will always be grateful that you were here to shake me out of my rut.”
“I’m not used to this, you know. People never pay attention to me. If someone acts like they see me it’s because they want something from me. Now you and Seth want to talk to me simply because I’m me and ….”
“And then I go and ruin it by asking something from you. I’m sorry. Alice, I ….”
Alice stopped walking and snapped, “I listened to every word you said this afternoon, even though I wanted to run away as soon as it turned personal. Now you are damn well going to listen to me, without putting words in my mouth and what are you smiling at?”
“When I fell in love with you, Alice, you were quiet and timid. Today you swore at me twice and raised your voice at me and I love you for that too.”
“You’re impossible!”
“You’re probably right about that.”
“Now I’ve completely lost my train of thought.”
“You’re not used to positive and pleasant attention?” Brant offered.
“That’s right, I’m not. But it’s been so nice that I had to sit and argue with myself about whether I loved you or Seth or neither of you. I’ve been trying to figure it out for days.”