by Faust, Megan
“Really?” he perked up.
“I really did try to convince myself that falling in love was out of the questions so it was a moot point and I didn’t have to think about it anymore but then I realized that I couldn’t wish these feelings away. There’s no hiding behind protocol or rules anymore.” She took a deep breath. “When I sat down to talk to Seth, the day after Penny got kicked out, I thought he was nice to talk to, I thought about how nice it would be to have someone in my life who would spend all day with me while I recovered, to have someone who cared just about me.
“The more I talked to both of you the more I realized that Seth was trying to protect me from getting better. He didn’t want me to face the past, ever, because it made me upset. You just kept pushing and pushing and even though Seth said you don’t take no for an answer, you did. When I was done talking you stopped asking.”
“I wanted to keep asking. I want to know everything about you.”
“I know. I trust you, I know I shouldn’t because you’re an addict and I’ve walked this road so many times and I always end up strung out on something in the end, but I trust you. When you watched that race on TV I could see it in your eyes. You’d do anything to get back into one of those cars.”
He nodded. “I have to drive again, even if it’s only once, to prove I can.”
“You won’t be able to stop at just once.”
“Don’t make it sound like an addiction.”
She laughed. “I think I love you, Brant Bye, and not because you got to admit your feelings to me before Seth could.”
“I thought he would have talked to you while I was upstairs getting snacks.”
“Do you really think you gave him enough time for a profession of love?”
“Okay, you have a point. I guess he knew that.”
“I guess he did. Brant, I’m scared.”
“That’s good.”
“Why is that good?” She sounded close to tears.
“With you I’m not afraid to say ‘the old pains are back today’ or ‘the cravings are bad’ or ‘I got mad and I’m having trouble letting go’. Maybe if you feel the same way, like you could talk about the cravings, and the fears, without being judged…” he faltered and gave her an apologetic smile.
“Seth would panic if I admitted to having a craving. He’d want to keep me under lock and key until it just went away, wouldn’t he?”
“Probably. I’m older than he is so he never really succeeded in ordering me about. But if he thinks you’re still timid he might try it.”
“I’d hate him for that. I ran away because I didn’t like walls or rules.”
“There are rules on the farm but there are fewer walls. You step outside and there’s no one else in sight. Maybe it’s hard work and my father always felt trapped there, but he’s always pushed us to follow our dreams and get away, if that’s what we wanted.”
“I don’t have an education, Brant. My only goal for the future is to get clean and stay clean. I don’t know what I want to do with my life but I’d rather spend it with someone like you than someone like Seth.”
Brant reached out and almost took her hand then sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets.
“Brant, I don’t know how fast I can go, but I don’t want to wait weeks or months to hold your hand or ….” she swallowed hard. “Or to kiss you.”
“I don’t want you to get kicked out,” he said, his voice even and measured.
“I know the risks. Come here.” She led him to a corner of the garden. “This is where Penny used to come. It’s the blind spot.”
Brant slowly wrapped his arms around her, giving her every opportunity to back away. She simply stared into his eyes and let him draw her close. “This isn’t where I wanted our first kiss to be.”
“Do you want to stop?” she asked.
He loved how breathless her voice was. He smiled at her and said, “I love you, Alice McGee.”
His kiss was gentle and slow and everything Alice had hoped for. She relaxed against him, marvelling at the way their body heat melded together. The kiss deepened as his arms tightened around her. He had wanted this for days now and it was so much better than he had hoped for because he had never imagined she’d actually love him in return. Now that he had her in his arms he was having trouble restraining his desire for her.
I can’t scare her now, I won’t lose her now. Somehow this woman has become the center of my universe and I’m never letting go. It would have been easier to keep control if she hadn’t pressed her entire body tight against his and wrapped her arms around his neck.
He kissed her with real passion, driven for the first time by love rather than lust. He expected her to shy away but she seemed to come alive in his arms. He had intended to kiss her and let her go but now he couldn’t stop.
And she doesn’t seem to mind one bit.
Alice had been high on drugs for the better part of six years. She couldn’t remember the last time she had kissed a man with a clear head and enjoyed it. She had been nervous about kissing Brant, nervous that her past would be too much, that it would prevent her from enjoying his attentions. But like everything else about Brant his kiss chased away her darkest fears instead of awakening them.
She found herself being carried away by his kiss until she forgot where they were and her hands began to slide down his chest in a sensual caress. His hands wandered up and down her sides and back until she made soft noises against his mouth. He forced himself to step back.
“Oh please,” she whispered, staring at him with eyes that were too wide.
“Alice, if I don’t stop no I won’t be able to stop at all, I won’t be able to wait until we’re both better.”
“I don’t want to wait either.”
“What happened to taking it slow?”
“I didn’t say I needed to take it slow, I said I didn’t know how fast I could go. I wasn’t sure I wanted another man to touch me, not after what happened, but I want you. I don’t want to stop but I refuse to go any further out here, not after what Penny did.”
“I know.”
Alice stepped back until only their fingers were touching. “I guess we wait. We have no other choice.”
“You could come to my room. Tonight.”
She laughed. “You’re crazy! What about the cameras? What about Dr. Hurd and the stewards and the rules?”
“We’re already breaking the rules, Alice. And Dr. Keaton said they don’t want the monitors, they only review them if there’s a problem.”
“Why did he tell you that?”
“It came up after the fight.”
“What was that fight about?”
He didn’t want to tell her but he knew she had given him all of her trust and now he had to do the same. “He was a good friend of Penny’s and he wasn’t happy about her leaving so suddenly.”
Alice went pale. “Do you think they’ll come after me?”
“No, they didn’t know you had anything to do with it and I made sure it stayed that way. Besides, they would have done something by now if they were going to. As long as we keep us a secret they’ll have no reason to hate you.”
“Thank-you.”
“Will you come tonight?”
“This is a bad idea.”
“The worst.”
Unexpectedly Alice smiled. “Eleven pm, after the hall lights go out.”
“Go inside. I’ll see you tonight.”
Chapter Nine
Brant went straight to his room after dinner. He had a bottle of pop, showered, shaved, and then settled in to wait. By eight he was pacing the room. By nine he was ready to find her and carry her to his room, witnesses be damned. By ten he had settled on the bed and the restlessness was becoming nervousness. By eleven he had convinced himself that she had changed her mind. When she knocked two minutes later he jumped up and fumbled the door open.
“Alice, come in quickly.” He closed the door as gently as possible and then drew her close and kissed
her. “I’ve missed you.”
“It’s been seven hours since you last kissed me.”
“Nine,” he corrected and kissed her again.
He sat on the bed, pulling her onto his lap. “The rooms on either side of me are occupied,” he whispered. “We have to be quiet.”
“I’ll try,” she whispered back. Her fingers moved over the smooth skin of his cheek and his lips.
She kissed him again and they moved quickly from gentle and sweet to passionate and desperate. He undid the buttons on her cardigan and ran his hands over the bare skin of her arms. She found the hem of his shirt and the brush of her fingers against his stomach made him shiver. He removed his shirt and then hers.
“If you need me to slow down, just tell me.”
She ran her hands down his chest and kissed him. It was all the invitation he needed. He helped her into the bed and stretched out beside her.
“You’re beautiful.”
“You’ve already got me in bed, you don’t need more flattery.”
“It’s not just flattery, it’s the truth, and now I’m allowed to tell you as often as I want, especially when I have you here, all to myself.” He kissed her and let his hands explore her slender body.
Alice had never felt confident in her body. She’d always felt her breasts were too small and though she was skinny she didn’t have a toned body or an appealing skin tone. Her past boyfriends had always found something about her body to complain about. Brant didn’t seem to notice or care about any of that. His caress was firm without being painful and she was soon gasping and moaning. Brant kissed her over and over as he continued to touch the smoothness of her body. All she could do was run her fingers through his hair and return the kisses.
When his hand went to the button on her jeans she froze. He stared into her eyes. “Too much?”
“Let me take them off,” she whispered.
He leaned back and watched her wiggle out of the pants. “Your clothes don’t look like they fit you very well.”
“I came here with nothing. One of the kitchen ladies volunteered to pick up some stuff at the thrift store. It was sweet of her but none of it fits.”
“They’re just clothes; you can get new ones when you get out.” He kissed her. “You’re still beautiful.”
Her hands moved to his pants he let her take her time with the button and the zipper before kicking them off. He held her close, relishing the way her skin felt against his for a long moment. She started kissing his lips and cheeks and jaw and neck and his self-control began to crumble. With nimble fingers he undid her bra so he could actually touch her breasts without any fabric in the way.
His hands were the soft-rough of worn leather and warm against her skin. She moaned softly and tipped her head back. He kissed his way down the slender curve of her neck, pausing to nibble at her collar bone before kissing down her chest. He took her breast in his mouth and she buried her fingers in his hair with silent pleasure. Her back arched when her took her other breast in his hand and gently squeezed and caressed.
Alice couldn’t remember feeling anything this intense. Before the drugs, maybe. A first kiss, a first time making out perhaps? I don’t know, but this is wonderful. It’s more than wonderful, it’s beyond words.
She didn’t notice when he kicked free of his boxers or even when he tugged her underwear down. He stopped kissing her and waited until she opened her eyes. She whimpered a little and touched his face and chest.
“You can still change your mind. You can still walk away.” His voice was even and the only emotion it carried was concern.
He wants me to choose. He would really let me leave here. She studied his body, all lean muscle and long limbs as she thought. He wants me and he’s letting me decide.
She shifted so her body was under his and spread her legs. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him lower so she could kiss him. Between kisses she managed to say, “I want this. I want you.”
He smiled down at her and still he moved slowly. He returned to caressing her breast and let his other hand wander down the flat of her stomach. He parted her soft folds first with a gentle finger making her gasp with surprise. He explored her with one finger until she relaxed again then added a second.
Her pleasure was building inside her like bubbles in a pop can. “You don’t have to be so careful,” she moaned, her body shuddering.
“I’m not being careful, I’m enjoying my first time with you,” he replied. “Why would I rush any of this?” But he was being careful. I want her to feel safe here. I want her to be able to roll away if she changes her mind. In the process he was drawing out her pleasure and she had lots of time to enjoy the new sensations as his hands and lips roamed over her and delved into her.
“Please,” she gasped. “Please Brant. I want you. Please, I don’t want to wait anymore.” She whimpered as his hands and lips left off their caresses and he stared down at her.
“I love you, Alice.” He kissed her deeply and slipped gently inside her. She shuddered as he filled her completely and they lay there together, perfectly still, for a long time. “I love you,” he said again and he began to move in her.
All the kissing and touching had left Alice quivering on the edge of complete pleasure. As Brant thrust his hips he brushed all the sweetest spots within her and she moaned softly. Soon the moaning got louder and she wrapped her arms and legs around him.
He kissed her hard and whispered, “I love the sound of you but please, you have to be quiet.”
She nodded and bit her lip but the quiet lasted only a moment and then she threw her head back and whispered, “Oh, oh, oh. Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.”
He let a little desire slip the leash and thrust harder and faster. She gasped and moaned and thrust her hips up to meet his. She inhaled sharply, dug her fingers into his back, and opened her mouth in a silent scream as her world exploded and she could see nothing but white lights dancing in front of her eyes. He thrust into her again and the lights flared.
He watched the pleasure wash over her, felt it grip her body until she was breathless. He slowed until she could breathe again.
“That was …”
“Shh, I’m not done yet.”
“I think I am.”
“Then just lay back and enjoy this.”
She could feel tremors and whispers of pleasure still coursing through her and she lay back with a contented sigh. Even when he took her breast in his mouth again she could only smile and trail her fingers down his shoulders.
It didn’t take long for Brant to reach his peak and he released her breast so he could stare into her eyes as the pleasure overwhelmed him. She saw it in his face, felt it deep inside, and laid a tender hand on his cheek as he shuddered.
“I love you,” she whispered.
He nodded and collapsed beside her, his arm protectively draped over her body. “Brant, I should head back to my own room. We don’t want to be sneaking past the breakfast crowd in the morning.”
His arm tightened so she rolled over and kissed his cheek.
“I want to stay but I can’t. I’ll see you in the morning. Besides, these beds aren’t built for two.”
Brant reluctantly pulled his arm away and opened his eyes. Alice scrounged around the tiny room for her clothes and settled on the edge of the bed to dress. Brant smiled. “You’re beautiful.”
“I’m beginning to believe you.”
“What happens tomorrow?” he asked.
“I guess we go on spending time with Seth as friends. No hand holding, no kissing …”
“Sounds awful.”
“We knew that it would be necessary.”
“I know, but I don’t have to like it.”
She leaned over and kissed him. “I’ll come back tomorrow night.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Good night Brant.”
Chapter Ten
Brant sat in Dr. Keaton’s office the next afternoon with a thundering heart. If som
eone saw Alice come to my room last night I’ll have a lot of questions to answer.
But Dr. Keaton didn’t ask about Alice. “How is your relationship with your brother?”
“Different,” Brant answered, relieved that his secret was safe. “I don’t think he’s happy with me right now, but not in the same way as before.”
“How so?”
“Aren’t you supposed to analyze me and not my brother?”
“When you came here you were selfish, arrogant, and liked to be angry—to use your own words from one of our previous meetings. You liked being right, has that changed?”
“I want it to but don’t we all like to be right?”
“You’re right. It’s how we deal with being wrong that makes all the difference.”
“Seth and I argued the other day and I didn’t get my way, I couldn’t convince him that I was right.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Sad, because I think I was actually right this time. I feel sad that he can’t be happy for me right now. Sad is a lot scarier than being angry.”
“Anger is all about you, Brant. When you react in anger you’re saying that your desires and emotions are more important. You feel sad and that means you care about Seth too, you’re hurting because there’s a gap between you now and you take some of the blame.”
“Being angry meant I didn’t have to admit to that blame so people couldn’t judge me on the things I did wrong, only on the anger. I don’t like people judging me.”
“That’s why you fought me so hard?”
“Not entirely. Have you ever been high?”
“No, I haven’t. But my father was, and he was abusive. Maybe that’s not the same but I have a fierce desire to help people who want out of that life and a fiercer respect for those who choose it on their own. My father wasn’t strong enough to do that.”
Brant nodded.
“Brant, why did you come here in the first place?”
“I wasn’t in control anymore, that’s what you want me to say, right?” He shrugged. “I didn’t know I had other problems until I came here. I came because I didn’t want to lose my career or my family.”