Wishing that I wasn’t me, a complete fuckup.
Wishing that the guy behind me was Levi.
Wishing that things between us weren’t so damn complicated.
Alas, I was me, and the man behind me in the vampire cape wasn’t Levi. He might’ve had dark hair, but that was it. The resemblance ended there. Things were complicated, and now that his cock was already inside of me, I might as well try to enjoy it, right?
Easier said than done.
So I stopped biting my lower lip, quit trying to be quiet. Maybe if I lost myself to the sounds of our sex, to how it felt to be full, to the taboo of fucking a literal stranger, I’d start to feel that familiar burn in my lower gut, that aching need to be fucked raw. Groans left me, and the sounds of air escaping my lungs rose in the air, mingling with the grunts that left the man behind me. He might’ve been out of it, but he was strong, and he was still able to perform pretty damn well. If I wasn’t so much in my own head, I could definitely see losing myself in this moment.
Of course, Murphy’s Law dictated that that would be the exact second the door would fly open, and Ash would find us.
Yeah, yeah, I didn’t exactly tell her where I was going, but it was a spur of the moment thing. I didn’t need her judgment, the way her lips frowned and her mouth fell ajar. I didn’t need Ash’s presence to know I was fucking up.
God, I really hated myself right now.
Ash said nothing, only staring at us, like she’d never seen two people going at it like animals before, so I gestured for her to close the door and leave. When she didn’t go, when she didn’t leave me to my pity sex, I managed to say “There’s another bathroom downstairs—” The man behind me started to ram himself even harder into me, my whole body swaying with the swiftness of his thrusts, and I bit my lower lip to keep myself together. “Ash—”
I didn’t need to say anything else. Ash averted her grey eyes and went to close the door, leaving me alone with him, letting me be fucked in private, in peace. Leaving me to my self-loathing.
Closing my eyes, I focused on the way his cock felt inside of me. If I imagined him to be Levi…yeah, that’ll do the trick. I’d hate myself later.
Right now it was only me with a first-class ticket to Poundtown.
I held onto the edge of the vanity, feeling the vampire’s thrusts begin to quicken, harder and faster until he let out a low groan, his whole body coming down on mine. It took everything in me to keep us both upright as he leaned his chest on my back, and I wished he would stop touching me.
He’d clearly come, so couldn’t we be done already?
The vampire made no moves to pull out of me, so I forced a smile as I said, “Okay, thanks. You were great. Good performance, A-pluses all around.” My eyes met with my reflection in the mirror, and my stomach sank to new lows. My smile looked genuine. I honestly looked like I was having a great time fucking this stranger.
God. That was all different kinds of fucked up, wasn’t it?
The man leaning on my back didn’t move, but I did. I managed to shimmy him off me, causing his dick to slip out. I could not even look at the condom on his still erect dick, keeping my eyes averted as I worked to fix my clothes, pulling up my pants and acting like everything was fine. Still smiling, too. Maybe if I kept grinning like an idiot, I’d start to believe the lies I was trying to tell myself.
The vampire was slow to yank the condom off, dropping it on the floor. His large frame swayed back and forth as he grabbed his pants and tugged them up. God, the dude looked like he could barely stand up. Fucking must’ve taken a lot of energy out of him, huh?
I waited until we were both decent before opening the door. As I walked out, I adjusted my pants one more time, the tight jeans not feeling right after that session. A heavily tattooed guy stood near the stairs, watching me with eyes that were a crisp, clear blue. His black hair was short, his body lean and strong. Far too intimidating for me to compare him to Levi.
And then, you know the weirdest thing? The tattooed guy spoke. The tattooed guy knew my name.
“Kelsey,” he said, “we need to…” He was able to say nothing else as he watched the vampire dude leave the bathroom behind me, and slowly, surely, I felt the smile falling off my face. This…this wasn’t right.
Who was he?
Without hesitation, the tattooed one rushed past me, nearly knocking me over as he reached the vampire, pressing his elbow against his neck in a way that looked incredibly dangerous and almost too well-rehearsed, as if he’d made that move a thousand times before. A picture hanging on a nearby wall fell to the floor with the sudden movement, its glass shattering.
My heart pounded in my chest. Should I stay, should I go? I didn’t owe anything to the vampire dude, but… “Hey,” I shouted, finally making up my mind. “What the hell, man? Let him go.”
The vampire guy could hardly keep his eyes open, and I wondered if he’d always been that bad, if I just had hooking up on the brain so much I’d overlooked how out of it he was, or if he’d only grown worse with time.
Tattoo guy growled out, “What the fuck were you doing?” He must’ve known the vampire guy. Maybe vampire guy had a girlfriend? Oh, fuck. That army girl. Did I just sleep with another girl’s boyfriend?
No, no. Army girl would’ve put up more of a fight, would’ve kept an eye on us. Plus that creepy smile she’d given me before walking away…no. That couldn’t be it.
“Travis,” vampire dude whispered, the word leaving him as if it was the most difficult thing he’d ever said. “What are you doing? I didn’t do shit—”
Hold the fuck up.
Travis? Travis as in tattooed, smoking Travis who Ash told me about? If my stomach could’ve fallen to the floor—no, through the floor, through the first floor, past the foundation of this house and into the earth’s core—it would’ve.
“Travis?” I found myself echoing his name, my voice nearly cracking.
Travis ignored me, focusing on the vampire dude, who he still had by the throat with his elbow. “Bullshit,” he hissed. “You fucked up, Sawyer, you fucked up like you always do, and I swear to God if your fuckup ends up hurting Ash, I’m going to kill you.” His final words did not sound like a threat; they sounded like a promise, a dangerous promise that I had no mental capacity to worry about, because he’d spoken the vampire’s name.
Sawyer.
No.
No, no, no.
I instantly wanted to vomit, and that was saying something. Out of all of the things I’d done in my life, I never immediately regretted them. This? What just happened? Oh, fuck me. How else was I supposed to feel?
“Wait,” I whispered, “Sawyer? But—” But this guy had dark hair. It wasn’t pink or blonde. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t the same one. Maybe it was just one huge coincidence with other cute guys sharing the same names.
Travis held Sawyer in place as I moved towards him, reaching for his dark head. His hair was greasy to the extreme, and my palm practically slid off, but when it did, the faintest bits of pink became visible, the black rubbed off on my hand. Some kind of hair paint or something.
“Oh, my…fuck.” There was literally no other word to say, so I repeated the word fuck about a dozen times, turning my back to both of them as I went down the stairs to look for my best friend.
My best friend.
How could I even call her that after what I did?
I mean, it wasn’t like I did what I did on purpose, like I set out to sleep with one of her guys. Hell, they weren’t even together. She wasn’t dating any of them, unless she’d kept that from me, like I kept most of my drama to myself.
No. There was no rationalizing it. Ash had a thing for Sawyer. I should’ve seen it on her face. I should’ve recognized the look of absolute shock and horror when she opened that door and saw us together, but I didn’t, because I was too wrapped up in my own self, too focused on trying to prove myself wrong.
I called out her name, searched the entire downstairs. I looked in th
e back near the fire, unable to find her. I even went out in the front yard, called out her name to the empty sky, and got not a single word in response.
Ash was gone. She left. She left because of me.
A shaking hand lifted to my mouth, and I felt my emotions spiraling out of control. Tears formed in my eyes, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to have other thoughts besides this can’t be happening and no, no, no. But I didn’t, because my life wasn’t simple, and it sure as shit wasn’t easy.
I’d fucked up, and now my best friend probably hated me. I’d fucked up, and now there was no hope of redemption. There was no coming back from this. You didn’t sleep with your best friend’s crush and come out unscathed.
No.
You know the saddest thing about all of this? If I would’ve taken a step back, if I would’ve listened to my gut all along, none of this would be happening. Ash would still be here, I wouldn’t have violated our friendship, and maybe she’d even be convincing me to hear Levi out.
Hate. Ash had to hate me after that. Levi would too, if he knew. But that was fine, because I already hated myself for it.
I hated myself so much. You knew what they said, right?
You’ve never really felt true self-hatred until you’ve slept with your best friend’s crush while in love with someone else.
Making Mistakes
The Sequel to Playing Games
Candace Wondrak
© 2019 Candace Wondrak
All Rights Reserved.
Book cover by Victoria Schaefer at Eve’s Garden of Eden – A Cover Group
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Chapter One – Kelsey
Crying was so…gross. Your nose got stuffed up, your eyes got all puffy and watery, and when you breathed you sounded like you were hyperventilating. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I felt like such utter shit—worth less than the actual dog crap you frantically try to scrape off the bottom of your shoe after you accidentally step in it.
I fucked my best friend’s crush while in love with another guy.
I was a terrible person, it was simple. A terrible, horrible person who didn’t deserve to have friends at this point. No friends, no love, no happiness. I should be miserable forever and always for this.
God, I’d known that dick was wrong when it was in me, but now…now I knew just how wrong. I knew, and I hated myself more than ever for it.
I’d been thrown out, basically. Which was fine, I understood why none of the other guys wanted to look at me. After all, how could I be Ash’s best friend while fucking one of the guys she liked? Declan brought me to the dorm, let me get my stuff, and then I was out of there, trying to hold it together. Trying to keep it together. Trying with a desperate, frantic heart to not break down as I made the long drive back home.
It’s where I was now. Home. My car was off, the lights off too. It was dark, but I’d driven through most of the night, so dawn would arrive soon, gracing the world with its light and extra warmth.
I could really use some warmth right about now, because I just felt so utterly cold after what I did.
I stared at the dashboard of my rust bucket, the one reliable thing in my life, my beaten-up, shitty car. Go fucking figure. My family and friends I couldn’t count on, nor could I be there for them because all I ever did was fuck up. I couldn’t count on Levi, because he was an ass, like the rest of them.
Damn it. Why’d I have to go and complicate things by falling in love? I didn’t want love. The last thing I wanted was to fall head over heels for someone, so hard and so fast that every breath I took reminded me of them.
My eyes were watery, and I was waiting for them to get their shit together—AKA get my own shit together—before getting out and going inside. Mom and Dad were probably still sleeping. I couldn’t help but wonder if they each claimed different rooms in the house now that they were divorcing, or if one of them was already in the process of looking for another place to stay.
Shit, shit, shit. No, don’t think about that. Think about something else. That’ll only make you more upset.
It was easy to tell myself to think of something else, a lot harder to actually force my mind away from my problems. I reached for my phone, and through blurry eyes, I texted Ash that I’d made it home. I doubted she’d respond. She hadn’t responded to any of my other texts or calls so far, not after she told me she went home with someone, that she couldn’t even look at me right now.
Not once in my life had I ever felt this awful. I knew I made mistakes in the past, making mistakes was kind of my pastime, but this? This was on a whole different level. This was the very definition of a shitty friend.
I, Kelsey Yates, was a shitty friend and an even worse girl for any guy to be with. Maybe I should just keep my legs closed.
Where the hell would be the fun with that, though? Sex was awesome. It was fun. It was a good stress release when you had nothing else to do. But, apparently, it was only awesome and fun and all that shit when you did it with someone who wasn’t caught in a fucking love pentagon with your best friend. Who knew?
I heaved a sigh, leaning my head back on the headrest. I’d pretty much bawled my eyes out on the drive back, not that I was proud of it, so my head throbbed like a bitch. I really needed some Advil and some sleep—although what I needed above all else was a time machine, so I could stop myself from making such a stupid mistake.
Guilt. Not once in my life had I ever felt guilty for doing the things I did. I just did them. I was the wild child, the friend who went off the rails. I did shit without even blinking, but this…this was on another level. This was so much worse. To say I was wallowing in self-loathing would be the year’s biggest understatement.
It was utterly ridiculous. I didn’t wallow, I never hated myself.
I did now.
It was funny, in a more ironic sort of way, how time could change you. Time was unyielding and unstoppable, and it changed everyone, even me.
Fuck. I felt really, really bad, and I knew this feeling wouldn’t go away anytime soon.
It was as the beginning hints of dawn graced the skies, the black, starry night sky slowly giving way to lighter purples and blues, that I heaved myself out of the car and grabbed my bag. I still wore the same outfit I wore last night, my cheap devil outfit.
Well, if the horns fit…
Not that my outfit had horns. I wasn’t that into it. Halloween could fuck off and never return, and I’d be just fine.
Once I got my key out, I slowly moved to the front door, my head pounding. If I slipped inside and made it to my room without waking anyone, that would be great. Fewer questions to answer—though it was the weekend, so my parents both had off. They’d surely ask me questions once I was able to get up.
Fuck it. Maybe I’d just sleep the entire day away, and then, super late tonight, I’d have Mom drive me back. It was Sunday, so I did have classes tomorrow. Classes my parents would not be happy to know I was missing.
The only good thing about fucking up so badly was it sobered me up completely. The only reason my head pounded right now was from the crying. I hated being so emotional, such a fucking mess. If I could’ve slapped myself and told myself to get over it, I would have.
Things were not so easy, though.
With my bag over my shoulder, I inched inside the house, closing the door behind me and locking it as quietly as humanly possible. It was still early; too early for my parents to be up, no matter what their sleeping ar
rangements were. My feet drew me to the steps, and I tiptoed up, not making a peep as I found my way to my old room.
My room. Like it’d been ages since I’d been in it. Totally an exaggeration, since it wasn’t that long ago I’d tried to come home, only to leave again when I heard that my parents were divorcing.
If you wanted someone who made good decisions, don’t come to me. I made bad ones all the time, and at this rate, it didn’t look like I was going to stop.
I dropped my bag near my bed, collapsing on top. It took far too much energy for me to get my lazy, tired, weary ass under those covers after kicking off my shoes. If I could blot out the entire world and pretend everything was fine and dandy, that’d be great. Alas, I didn’t have such superpowers. Didn’t have any superpowers, actually. I was lame. Lame and stupid.
I tried to shut my mind off, to sleep away this throbbing headache that threatened to escalate into a full-blown migraine, but my mind refused to ceasefire, even with blankets piled over my head, a world of darkness around me. The sun would fully rise in an hour or so, but under these thick blankets, I wouldn’t know the difference.
Mom and Dad would see the rust bucket parked outside, so they’d know I came home. Hopefully they wouldn’t barge in and demand to know details—they’d never been quite like that as parents, but I was starting to realize I might not know my parents as well as I thought I did. I thought they were happy, but they weren’t. Maybe they were nosy but just didn’t know how to show it.
I didn’t want to think about Mom and Dad, and I sure as shit didn’t want to think about what I’d done. There was no safe place for my mind to roam, so I settled on something, someone, I shouldn’t.
Levi.
Things were too messy. We’d both made mistakes, and some of those mistakes you couldn’t come back from. How he hurt Mel…that wasn’t something you could just forgive. I could handle it when I thought he’d taped us together—I was pissed, but I could’ve maybe worked through it—but finding out everything with Dean, how Mel had nearly killed herself last year because of what happened, I just couldn’t.
Mistakes : A College Bully Romance Page 19