Breaking Leila

by Lucy V. Morgan

  “Matt.” I grinned. “I’m sure they’ll play whatever you want, if you only ask nicely.”

  We were seated for dinner shortly after. Aidan and Nikolai were at our table, called Tatooine, along with Caroline and her husband Dan. Caroline was one of only a few girls on the Ladarna books. I’d worked with her a couple of times but we had never enjoyed much more than a polite rapport. Matt’s eyes bulged as I explained this below the buzz and chatter of the other guests.

  “I never really thought about you being with other women,” he whispered.

  “Oh. You should!”

  It turned out that Nikolai studied engineering at university and Dan did it for a living. They fell into a rather boring conversation about Rolls Royce, and the rest of us played with our food, exchanging conspiratorial glances.

  “I want to make puns about this.” I gestured to my steak tartar. “But I’m running low on inspiration.”

  “Something about munching beef curtains?” Aidan chirped.

  Caroline choked on her mouthful of bread. “Oh, please. How predictable.”

  “I never really thought of them as curtains anyway,” Aidan said. “More like the mouths you get on blowfish.”

  Matt cocked his head. “I see what you mean, actually. Well. Besides the fangs.”

  Caroline gnashed her pearly teeth at me and I recoiled in mock horror.

  “Should we take this as an insult?” I asked her.

  “I’d prefer something a bit more eloquent, but…oh well.” She shrugged. “Better than gash, snatch…”

  “…minge, flange, chuff,” I went on. “They’re like rat names for Muppets, aren’t they?”

  “Let’s hope the next course is sausage and then we can make them feel bad about their genitalia.” She giggled, nodding at the men.

  “I think you could compare Aidan to some sort of mud-dwelling crustacean and he’d still take it as a compliment.”

  The next course was a turnip and garlic soup. Thick and creamy, it near enough stuck to my spoon.

  “If we make puns about this, I probably won’t be able to eat it,” Matt said quickly.

  Dan threw back his head and laughed.

  To Matt’s evident relief, we moved to topics other than sex for the haggis main course.

  “Look what I brought,” Aidan declared, slapping a wad of paper down on the table.

  I winced. “That looks familiar.”

  “It’s my tax return,” Aidan said with a mixture of fear and disgust.

  “They aren’t due for ages,” said Matt.

  “Yeah, but I figured if things got really awkward, I could whack this out and you guys could get all excited over it.” He paused. “Also, I don’t know what the fuck you do with it, besides write lots of numbers. And cry.”

  “Too bad.” Matt sighed. “I don’t think Leila’s bag was big enough for the yellow book of dreams.”

  Aidan pursed his lips. “Yellow like custard dreams?” he repeated in some sort of pseudo-alien accent.

  A joyful smirk cracked across Matt’s face. “Custard like hydrogenated man fat?” He also sounded like a Martian about to have an orgasm.

  “Oh my God!” Aidan cried, grabbing Matt’s hands across the table. “You love Gabe Tovey! I love Gabe Tovey!”

  Matt blinked for a second. “Egg Fuck was a masterpiece.”

  Nice recovery, Matthew.

  Aidan released his hands. “I prefer Sodden Omelette, but still. Gabe fucking Tovey!” He practically danced his chair. “Won’t be needing this, then,” he added, folding the tax return roughly and shoving it into his jacket pocket.

  Nikolai, who sat next to me, leaned in a little. “He’s going to hate me when I say I don’t know who Gabe Tovey is, isn’t he?”

  “He’s a comedian who looks like a hobbit,” I replied. “And yes, he probably is. But Aidan hates most people and it never seems to stop him sleeping with them.”

  The speech brought more laughter and more Champagne. The more Matt relaxed, the more I enjoyed the alcohol, and when dessert turned out to be a filthy chocolate fudge creation that made me feel sick after three mouthfuls, he gleefully cleared my plate. I had no room for cheese. I still managed to eat quite a lot of it.

  “That was yummy.” Caroline tried to suck in her stomach. “Kind of wishing I hadn’t gone for the corset.”

  “I like you in the corset,” I said. “It’s very pretty.”

  “Ah, thank you, chick.” She flashed me a gratuitous smile, and Dan glanced between us. I couldn’t tell whether he looked amused or aroused–both, probably.

  It occurred to me that he and Nikolai were the only people on the table that I hadn’t had sex with. I was almost proud.

  After coffee, we moved out to the bar again for the entertainment to set up. I switched to ginger ale before I got too dizzy, and Matt had a Coke.

  “Are you enjoying yourself?” I prodded his shoulder.

  “Yeah, a bit. I think. Why’d you ask?”

  “Just wondered.” I sank back into the leather bar couch, smiling at him lazily. “I was worried you’d be uncomfortable here.”

  “After meeting that Paul guy, I was.” He loosened his hetero tie. “You’re right about Aidan, though. He’s not all that bad.”

  “So you’ll be joining us for that threesome later?”

  The glare he shot me was the human equivalent of a freeze ray.

  “Oh. Too soon for that joke, then.” I recoiled.

  “There’s not going to be a good time for that joke, Leila.” He put his glass down. “Need the bathroom. Back in a bit.”

  I wallowed in dejected poutiness for a moment, sloshing my drink around to give myself something to concentrate on. Remembering, I slid my phone out and read the text.

  Thinking of you, little girl. J x

  I could almost hear Joseph murmuring the words, and I had to close my eyes to contain the shiver, like I was afraid someone would see.

  For a moment, I indulged in the fantasy that Joseph had been my date. He would have simultaneously filled in Aidan’s tax return whilst fingering me under the table. We’d already be in a hotel room now, toasting the happy couple with more than Champagne, and then he might leave me tied up there while he went down to the party, sending teasing texts I couldn’t respond to.

  What would Aidan and Will have said if I’d turned up with Joseph?

  Would I have cared?

  Chapter 10

  “Shall we go back in? The music’s started.” Matt offered me his arm. Apparently, he’d forgiven me for the threesome pun.

  “Can I hear…bagpipes?”

  “They do appear to be bagpipes, yeah.” Matt made an effort at the robot dance. I turned around, pretending not to know him with a tuneless whistle.

  We made our way in and watched Will and Angus perform a pretentious tango–sans bagpipes, fortunately. I had to hold my head in my hands when they got out lightsabres and started duelling at the end. Matt was in bits.

  “I take it back, I take it back.” He guffawed. “Free booze and two aging man-tarts decking each other with plastic swords. This is the best Saturday night I’ve had in ages! Can I take pictures on my phone?”

  “No!” I shrieked, trying to wrestle the phone from his hands. I ended up mounting his lap, pinning his fists against the wall. Embarrassed, I paused for a second and looked at Aidan sheepishly.

  “Go ahead,” he said, waving a hand. “Nobody’s going to bat an eyelid here.” His other hand already groped at Nikolai.

  I gazed down at Matt, who was ever so slightly drunk and radiating heat in his dress suit. I released his hands and peeled off his jacket, his palms coming to rest on my thighs.

  God, I wanted so badly to kiss him.

  I fought the urge to twist my hips, and climbed off slowly, my eyes still glued to his. He stretched out an arm and I settled into the crook of it. Aidan grinned at me and I realized my nipples were poking through the thin silk of my dress, as chilled and round as if I’d been naked. Then Matt pulled
me into his shoulder and I nuzzled into him–all this freedom to touch him was shiny and new. This was what it might be like to curl up with him after slow, lazy sex. Right now…that would be enough.

  I sat with Matt for a good while as the others got up to chat and dance. He had held me briefly after our encounter on the hotel room floor, but not like this–the intimacy wasn’t nearly as intense. I noticed every tiny movement he made, how his fingers crept across my belly to knot with my own, how his chest rose up and fell with each breath. The way my breasts melted against him.

  “What happened to not touching me again?” I said.

  He smiled faintly. “This doesn’t count. Friends would do this.”

  I toyed with the buckle on his belt. “I can’t quite see you doing this with Eton.”

  “Anyway.” He straightened a little. “Feels like some people in this room need reminding who you belong to.”

  Was that aimed at me?

  Aidan appeared beside us, and I’m ashamed to say I almost felt grateful.

  “Come and dance,” he urged.

  “I’m not really a dancer.” Matt squeezed me. He seemed perturbed when I sat up.

  “Go on,” I said. “If you can do it on a stage, you can do it on a dance floor, surely.”

  “I’m good, really. You go.” He released me and I stood up, shaking my skirt out.

  “Well, if you don’t mind…”

  He shrugged. Be like that.

  Aidan took my hand and led me out on to the floor, where Nikolai and Caroline were already working up a sweat. Dan had escaped to the hotel room sometime earlier. It wasn’t easy to dance beneath the weight of Matt’s gaze, but I swatted Aidan’s hands away as we swayed. Let Nikolai spin me until I went dizzy. Aidan pretended to grope Caroline and I feigned a suitably jealous pout.

  As the music slowed, Will greeted me with a warm hug. Richard, the camera-happy tosser from last night, stood beside him.

  He gestured to me and Aidan.

  “Are you together in real life?”

  I shook my head. “No. We’re both here with other people, actually.”

  “Sorry to spoil the fantasy.” Aidan sighed. “Since she’s not a real schoolgirl, the attraction is lukewarm to say the least.”

  I made to kick him and he leaped away.

  “You act like it.” Richard laughed. “No spoiling the fantasy here.”

  He winked at me and wandered off.

  Will pulled me aside to talk.

  “I meant it when I said you were wonderful last night,” he gushed. “Everyone was enthralled. But I can see that you and Matt are quite the pair now…you’re really not coming back, are you?”

  “No. I’m sorry.” I wanted to say so much more to him: that I had to leave if I wanted to stay in law. What would become of me if I did the other job for much longer? I’d been wanton before I started, for Christ’s sake. I wanted to be normal, to learn the lines and ideas that comprised of.

  Charlotte longed to shout that I wasn’t going because of Matt, that the assumption was almost a bit offensive–but as I checked over my shoulder and found him studying me so intently, the mere thought seared me with guilt.

  I gave Will’s hand a squeeze. “You know I’ve loved working for you. It was a privilege. Most of the time,” I added, grinning.

  “You’re a remarkable girl. We miss you already.”

  “Stop stroking my ego. Besides, you haven’t seen the gift I got you yet.”

  “You mean there’s more of last night?”

  I laughed. “Sadly not. This one comes in a bottle.”

  “Just like a sailor!”

  “Erm, Lei-Lei?” Aidan tugged on my hand. “Your manflesh needs rescuing.”

  I glanced back at Matt, who now tried to converse awkwardly with Metro Paul.

  “Oh no. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  “Waah, and spoil such a beautiful union? They’ll be spooning soon.”

  I glared at Aidan.

  “Lei-Lei. If the wind changes, you’ll stick like that.”

  “Lying toad.”

  He tucked his auburn curls behind his ears. “I’ll sort it out, okay? You have a dance with William here–it’s obviously what he’s loitering for.”

  Will held up his hands in mock denial. “Honestly. What do you take me for?”

  “Never ask that question.” I giggled as I led Will back out on to the floor. “Aidan, you better keep your penis to yourself!”

  He did a wiggly, precocious little dance at me before skipping off to peel Paul away from poor Matt.

  Dancing with Will was a bit like doing so with my dad. He had lighter feet, though. Graceful, almost.

  “I think you made Matt’s night with the lightsabres,” I told him. “Thanks for that.”

  “I’m glad he liked it. It’s our comment on modern society.”

  “Oh?”

  “It’s…well…it seemed like a good idea when we got drunk and visited Toys R Us on a mini break.”

  “Mini break?” I snorted. “You smug gits. You disgust me.”

  “Now you sound like Aidan.”

  “I’m not sure that’s a compliment.”

  “It isn’t, my dear.”

  The song withered away, and he handed me to Nikolai with a bow. I made a mock curtsey and rejoined our little dancing group. I was so full of thought and energy. No release again tonight, ugh. I had to work it off somehow.

  The music slithered beneath my skin and simmered there, turning my blood to a liquid stampede. I went where it told me, closed my eyes and lost myself. I even almost forgot how much my heels were killing me.

  At some point, Nikolai gestured to where the boys had been sitting, with a paranoid scowl, and I turned to find their seats empty. Caroline left to join her husband and we walked over, observing the abandoned jackets and half empty glasses.

  Nikolai winced. “You don’t think they…?”

  “Matt and Aidan? No. No. They must have gone to the bathroom or something…come on.” I dragged him out into the lobby, where he inspected the men’s toilets. He came out shrugging.

  “No luck?”

  “Nope.”

  “Do you two have a room here? Maybe they went there.”

  “Why would they do that?” he asked suspiciously.

  I touched his arm. “Nikolai. As much as I don’t think they’re making sweet love right now, Aidan is a whore. Not just a paid one–a philandering, dripping great heap of cockfodder. Don’t get too attached to him, okay?”

  He squared his shoulders indignantly. “I’m not, like, even that into him.”

  “Well then. Stop pouting.” I poked his chin.

  A burst of drunken singing erupted outside, and we edged through the other guests to the door.

  “Custard is like a Band-Aid. Custard can change the world. Check in my pants for custard because–”“

  “–I’m not a pansy girl!”

  Matt and Aidan knelt next to one of the grand fountains, singing to what appeared to be a topiary octopus.

  “Oh God,” I mumbled.

  “Gabe fucking Tovey?” said Nikolai.

  “Indeed.”

  “Because without the custard,” Matt bellowed, “you’d have a shitty world full of shitty girls.” A theatrical swoop of the hands. “And how would you cut the mustard?”

  Aidan did something that I think was meant to be air guitar. “Set your egg nog free on the white wad,” he crooned.

  Nikolai did a very bad job of containing his laughter, rocking with little snorts.

  “Matthew!” I called.

  He looked up and threw out his arms. “Lei-Lei!”

  I walked over and tried to pull him up.

  “What the fuck is up with that nickname, anyway? Sounds like something I’d order from the Chinese.”

  “It’s my nickname for her,” Aidan announced. “I will charge you every time you use it.”

  I helped Matt to his feet and brushed the dust from his trousers.

  �
�Sorry Mum,” he said sheepishly.

  “What have you two been doing?” I said.

  “I took him up the arse with a stray piece of topiary,” said Aidan.

  Matt nodded, straight-faced. “It was magnificent. I might write a song about it.”

  Nikolai looked dubious again. I shot him a smile that bounced straight back.

  Aidan came over and put an arm around Matt’s shoulders. “This guy,” he said loudly, “this guy is amazing, Lei-Lei. I mean, he knows what all the big words on my tax return are. And he can drink five Sambucas in fifty-three seconds.”

  I grimaced.

  “No,” Matt slurred, “this guy is amazing. He actually brought his tax return so we’d all get on and stuff. I thought he’d be a fucktard, Leila, but he knows all the words to Egg Fuck. I want to punch him because he does those things to you but also…also…I want to hug him!”

  Without any warning, he hurled himself at Aidan in a rough embrace. I choked slightly, caught between two thick torsos.

  “Five Sambucas, huh?” I spluttered.

  “I know.” Aidan sighed. “I’m so proud.”

  “I think it might be time for me and Matt to go home now. Aidan, Nikolai is getting jealous. You’d best go and do bad things to him before he combusts.”

  “He’s all Greek and smouldering. Look at him, Matt-Matt,” he gushed.

  “Don’t call me Matt-Matt. I could still punch you.” Matt made a feeble fist and waved it aloft.

  I coaxed it back down again. “I’m going to call a cab and get you some coffee. Let’s go and sit down, okay?”

  “I’m going where you’re going.” He smiled, trailing after me with heavy steps.

  We left Aidan and Nikolai doing something graphic and noisy by the fountain, and I draped Matt over a sofa while I fetched the coffee. He downed a cup in seconds and smacked it back on the table.

  “I’m having a great time, you know,” he declared, “but they’re still playing that twiddly shite and I haven’t had a go with a lightsabre.”

  I glanced about at all the breakable antiques. “I think that’s probably for the best.” In the light of the ornate old lamp, he looked so foppish and vulnerable. “Do you always get this drunk at weddings?”

  “No, but I’m here with you. And you’re so lovely. So lovely, Leila.” He paused to pour more coffee. “All these people here you could have…well, have probably had…and you’re here with me.”