Breaking Leila

by Lucy V. Morgan

  When Matt finished eating, I slid onto my knees and unzipped him. He stared down at me lazily, his hand cupping my face.

  “What are you doing, babe?”

  “You’ve been hard since you got here.” I teased his cock from his clothes and squeezed. “I’d hate to think I was neglecting you.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “But you look so yummy.” I peeled his foreskin back and flicked my tongue across his head. “Do you want me to stop?”

  “No.” He took a sharp breath as I started to suck, tugging on his balls. “No, no…”

  His bucking hips told me he didn’t want to be teased, and I was in no mood to torture him. I pulled my lips over him in long, hard strokes and he fucked my mouth in moments. I let him hold my head, feel my breasts through the top of my pyjama camisole, let him do what he wanted. He came in the back of my throat with a smile and a heavy sigh.

  “Sorry,” he said weakly. “I normally last longer than that...”

  I kissed him as I climbed back up on the sofa. “Lasting wasn’t the point, you moose.”

  “Mmm. Well, thank you.” He nuzzled at my throat. “My best friend at school used to say God invented blow jobs for when girls were on their periods.”

  I laughed. “Not sure any of my old clients would agree with that.” I froze the moment the words slid from my mouth and braced myself for his wounded comment.

  “Really?” he said.

  I nodded.

  “Did you used to do that a lot for them?”

  “You really want to know?” I said, cautious.

  He wrapped his arm back around my shoulders. “I told you–I want to know what it was like.”

  “In that case…yeah. It was, erm, a popular request.”

  “What else?”

  “All sorts of stuff. Anal. Dressing up. Watching me with Aidan or another girl, or by myself. Just eating takeaway and talking about crap on the TV.” Also some things I would never even write down, let alone tell him.

  His brow furrowed a little.

  “Did you ever fancy any of them?”

  “Some of them. I mean…I wouldn’t have chosen many. But you got to see a different side of people and that was fascinating, I suppose.”

  “Wasn’t it really uncomfortable, sleeping with someone you didn’t like?”

  I smiled faintly. “That’s what they invented lube for. But also…I got a kick out of it. The nature of the act.” I played with the button on his fly. “It’s like a good excuse to be slutty.”

  He laughed. “You need an excuse?”

  “You’d be surprised.” I paused to steal a sip of his Coke. “Does that sound really weird?”

  “A bit. I wouldn’t really know, though. Haven’t done it myself.”

  I kissed him as if I could measure his desire, his judgment. His hands, so warm on my thighs, squeezed as if he told me in Morse code, It’s okay.

  “Do you want to know what the worst thing was?” I asked.

  He nodded.

  “Tasting cigarettes on them. You could taste it everywhere.” I jutted my tongue at him in disgust. “Yeuck.”

  “That was the worst thing? Didn’t you worry about meeting a psycho or something?”

  “At first, yeah. But Will–and John, my driver–they looked after me. I got really lucky with Ladarna because they had such a reputation. They could cherry pick their clients, almost.” I chewed my bottom lip. “Don’t get me wrong…there were men I asked not to go back to. The coked up ones, mainly. This one guy–I caught him putting something into my drink.”

  His arm tightened around me. “What happened?”

  “I asked him to fetch something from the bathroom and I left. They put him on the blacklist.”

  “Couldn’t he have just lied like we did and gone back to them with another name?”

  “I suppose he could, yeah.” I was quiet for a moment, mulling over his point. “That’s the kind of risk you take in the end.”

  He tipped my chin up and I hit very dark eyes. “And has it been worth it, in the end?”

  “You’ve met my parents, you’ve seen where they live. What do you think?” I whispered.

  “If the bank decided you needed more money, would you do it again?”

  “If I had no other option.”

  Silence. He pretended to stare at the television and I tugged at his collar gently.

  “Do you still want me?”

  “Do I get something they don’t?”

  His belt buckle clicked against my nails. “You get to come sleep next to me, if you want.”

  He was the one who led me to the bedroom, his fingers knotted in mine.

  * * * *

  “New York?” Aidan screeched over the phone. “Oh my God! You’re going to love it, Lei-Lei!”

  “I’ve already been.” I collapsed in a heap of dry cleaning. “I went with some friends back at uni.”

  “It’s a shame you’re not still working. You could make a packet.”

  “Technically, I will be working,” I grumbled.

  “Oh?”

  I slit plastic covers with a fingernail and put suit jackets onto hangers. “My boss, remember? I still owe him.”

  “I remember. Daddy wants control,” he tittered.

  “I don’t like Daddy right now.” I pouted.

  “What did Matt say about it?”

  Was that a girl moaning in the background? “Aid, are you with someone?”

  “Yes. Stop avoiding my question.”

  A flush claimed my cheeks; Charlotte bounced for a high-five. Typical. “Who is it?”

  “She’s not really in the mood for talking. You haven’t told Matt yet, have you?” he demanded. “Well?”

  “Nope.”

  “You are a very naughty whore.”

  “Why, thank you.” I rolled my eyes.

  “Sorry. I was talking to Claire here. You’re just plain mean.”

  “Aidan…what the fuck?”

  “What? She doesn’t mind.” The familiar sounds of slapping flesh wobbled down the line. “Do you, baby?”

  Another moan.

  “Call me back in five,” I hissed.

  “Pfft. Ten. Give me some credit.” He laughed and hung up.

  I went back to sorting my clothes. I’d dropped my most professional-looking stuff off on Tuesday evening so it was all ready for packing. It would take me several days, and I also knew I needed to go shopping. What was it about the words New and York that made a woman feel three seasons out of date?

  Then I needed to decide what to wear for Charlie. I know, I know…I shouldn’t have cared about it, but I did. So there. I had too much history with him to turn up in Clemmie’s postmodern Sloaning gear–which I had already returned, anyway.

  My phone buzzed with Aidan’s name and I shook my head as I picked up.

  “Are you done yet?”

  He did a very bad job of faking an orgasm.

  “What is that, an ostrich dying?”

  “Are you saying I’m not sexy?”

  “I’m saying that awful wailing isn’t worth four hundred quid an hour.”

  “Bitch. You’re just jealous.”

  “Did she not take offense to you gabbering away at me?” I giggled.

  “Lei-Lei. When your cock has its own postcode, women kind of zone out. Claire went to Oz, okay? She couldn’t hear me.”

  “Did she take her little dog, too?”

  “She’s currently rocking in the corner. What’s that, baby?” he called. “There’s no place like bone?”

  I bit my lip to keep from laughing. “You say I’m mean?”

  “You are. You’re going to rip out Matt-Matt’s heart and throw it to sharks with frickin’ laser beams. Gabe Tovey wrote a song about what you’re going to do to him and it’s no Chris de Burgh.”

  I tutted. “What’s it about then?”

  “A wounded badger stumbling into a pit of desertion!” he bellowed.

  “Is that meant to be…singing?�
��

  “Fuck off. I’m serious though. You’d best send him in my direction when he’s all vulnerable and easy.” He paused and there was a playful giggle. Claire had come back for more. “I am going to suck that man.”

  “Er…he’s still my boyfriend, Aid. Don’t make any plans just yet.”

  “Oh, your boyfriend now, is he? I like that. You’ve shagged him.” He laughed, triumphant.

  “Quite thoroughly.” I smirked. “He was easy enough to break in the end.”

  “You can thank me when you’re ready.”

  “What do you mean, thank you?”

  “I gave him a pep talk at the wedding,” he declared. “I kept dropping in things like how you get bored very easily if you’re not having sex, or blowing farm animals, that kind of stuff.”

  “Thank you, oh great one. I’m sure your subtle, wily ways were just what sorted him out.” It definitely wasn’t watching me masturbate, oh no.

  “Damn straight. Now. When are you flying out?”

  “Sunday. I’m packing as we speak.”

  “Which airline?”

  “Fuck, ow!” The wardrobe bit my finger and I leaped around with manic jazz hands.

  “Have you got someone there too?”

  “Sadly not. Stupid furniture’s got teeth. And I can’t remember which airline. Why?”

  “I’m coming with you!”

  “Er. No, you aren’t.”

  “Yes I fucking well am, Lei-Lei. I’ve had a good few weeks. I can think of nothing I’d rather do than jet off and distract young Matthew while Mr Boss Man subjects you to some serious pelvic toning.”

  Oh dear. I could see it already: a run-down karaoke bar, topless waitresses with filthy scowls and names like Betty and Juliet, Matt and Aidan throwing chips at each other and bellowing British obscenities.

  “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea,” I said weakly.

  “Look. I might be vulgar and tactless–I’m quite proud of it, actually–but I’m not stupid. We both know that it’s all going to go horribly wrong over there.”

  “Don’t say that,” I muttered.

  “Well, it is. And one of you is going to need some company.”

  “I suppose so.”

  “Text me the airline and the flight number, when you get them. And think of the shopping!”

  Claire cooed something disgusting.

  “You fucking slut. On your knees for me!”

  “That wasn’t aimed at me either, was it?”

  “Why, do you fancy joining us? We’ve got anal beads like watermelons, just your type. You could bring those condoms.” He paused to titter again. “Might be needing them.”

  “Too right, you diseased flesh heap.”

  “You’re not in a good mood at all. You need to get laid more often.”

  On the contrary–that was half the problem.

  Chapter 13

  So much for summer. Thursday’s sky was a charcoal menagerie and the raindrops fat and cold. While out running, I skidded on my heel in front of a bunch of students and almost fell into a hedge. Dignity sank in a puddle with a mocking little gulp.

  Today would not be a good day, I knew this. There was a knife with my name on it.

  Poppy paced the office as I arrived. She shot a pale glance in my direction as I dumped my briefcase and peeled off my sodden coat.

  “Can we talk for a minute?” she asked.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  She beckoned me over and I sat at her desk.

  “Look, Joseph said I ought to tell you…well. Um.” She toyed with her glasses. “You know how I’d applied to move upstairs, to litigation?”

  I nodded.

  She winced. “I sort of changed my mind.”

  “Okay. So what’s the problem?”

  “I’ve applied here, to stay in Joseph’s office. Applied for the same place as you.” She watched closely for my reaction.

  “Isn’t it a bit late for that?” I didn’t know how I felt, actually.

  “He said it was all right, since the deadline isn’t until tomorrow. I’m really sorry, Leila. I hate the idea of competing with you…just wanted to be honest and all.”

  “Yeah. Thanks,” I said absently. I was still trying to absorb what this meant. “Well good luck, anyway.”

  “You too.” She sighed, visibly relieved. “I was so worried you’d be peed at me.”

  “Everyone’s entitled to apply,” I said slowly.

  “Yeah, well.” She stood up. “I’m going to nip and get coffee. Do you want one?”

  “Please.”

  My stomach churned. I’d never felt threatened here before, not until now. I rose slowly and knocked on Joseph’s door.

  “Come in.” He offered no courteous glance as I entered.

  “Do I need to look for another job?” I asked quietly.

  He patted his knee, still staring at his computer. I tried to ignore it.

  “Sit down,” he murmured.

  Exhaling, I sank down on to his lap and he caressed the small of my back. Oh.

  “Now,” he said, “you talked to Poppy.”

  “Yes.”

  “I told her it was a stupid move and she didn’t seem particularly fazed.” He sat back and drank me in, his other hand coming to rest on my thigh. “Who has consistently outperformed everyone else on her seat?”

  “Erm.” Heat rushed over my cheeks. “Me?”

  “Indeed.”

  My nipples grew hard, jutted toward him.

  “So…I don’t have to worry?” I asked.

  “No, sweetheart. Not so long as you keep your part in our other little deal.”

  I lowered my eyes for a moment and noticed a flicker on his screen. “Joe…are you watching Buffy?”

  His wrist snapped sideways and he clicked it off. “No.”

  “Yes, you were.” I giggled, trying to wrestle the mouse off him. “Waaah…shall I bring my boxed set for you next week?”

  He scowled at me. “You blab and I’ll tell the whole office you’re out at lunch to buy support knickers.”

  “I’ll tell them they’re for you.”

  “Minx.” He peeled my fingers off the mouse and knotted them with his. “You’ve got very soft hands.”

  “Tha–oh, you’re a sly one. I’m not that slow. Who do you prefer–good Willow or evil Willow?”

  “I’m not answering that.” He laughed.

  “I can’t believe you’re sat here indulging your vampire fetish on office time.”

  “Firstly, it’s not a vampire fetish. Joss Whedon is a genius. Is that clear?”

  Don’t smirk!

  “Secondly.” He put on a high pitched voice. “It’s eight AM. I’m not technically at work. So you, little girl, can shut the fuck up.” He brushed my chin with his fist and eased me up. “Now run along and do something brilliant.”

  “Yes, Sir.” I made a salute as I rose.

  “Oh, and Leila?”

  I turned, biting my lip. “Yes?”

  “I like stockings. The pretty sheer ones.”

  “I have those.” A teasing smile spread across my face.

  “Good.” Did his eyes just get even greener? “What shoe size are you?”

  “A six.”

  “A six.” His fingers dug into the arm of his chair. “That’ll be all.”

  I opened the door and smacked into a rather solid-bodied Matt.

  “Thought you might be in there,” he muttered. “What are you grinning for?”

  * * * *

  In the evenings, Matt had begun to walk me home and I was privileged enough that he’d stopped putting his iPod on. Unfortunately, that meant conversation and that meant pussyfooting around all the things I hadn’t told him yet.

  “I can’t believe Poppy’s applied for your job,” he said, incredulous. “That’s just…sneaky.”

  “It’s not my job,” I pointed out. “And she did tell me about it.”

  “But everyone knows you’ve alre
ady got it. It’s obvious.”

  “How is it obvious?” I asked, slightly paranoid.

  “Because you’re the company darling. At least, that’s what Sadie says,” he added, his upper lip twitching at the term.

  “Poppy’s a clever girl.”

  “Poppy gets used for all of Joseph’s shitty jobs. I don’t think his opinion of her is very high.”

  I hated talking about this with Matt. He never mentioned it, but the notion hung in the air and spat at me when he wasn’t looking. It would be awfully convenient for me to be given a job by a man I’d slept with. Fair enough, the offer had been implicit almost as soon as I’d started this seat, but who knew how long Joseph had been a member at the Ladarna? This might have been planned for months. The thought that I might be given a place at Bach and Dagier for anything other than my nine-to-five performance made me feel ill.

  “Why do you think she’s changed her mind?” Must steer away from the subject of Joseph. “Has she said anything to you?”

  “Not that I’ve noticed.” He squeezed my hand. “You know what I think, anyway.”

  “That she tastes waxy, like too much lipstick?” I laughed.

  “No,” he mumbled, looking away. “That you should apply somewhere else”

  “I did, ages ago. Everyone needs a back-up.”

  “I’ll bet it’s miles from my new place.”

  “Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, yeah?” I squeezed his hand back.

  I swiped my card at the building entrance and waved at the doorman as we strode in. Matt hopped up the stairs way faster than my boots allowed and I had to keep tugging him backward.

  “You put me to shame. Stop it!”

  “All this running…you’ll be able to keep up soon,” he teased.

  We reached my door and he pinned me against it, nudging my chin up with his nose. I let him claim my mouth and mewed at his taste, fizzy and sweet, and his shadow of stubble grazed my skin.

  “I can’t wait for next week,” he murmured.

  “Me either.” Liar.

  “I don’t care how knackered we are when we arrive on Sunday–I’m going to make love to you if it kills me.”

  Make love. There they were: the only dirty words that didn’t feel right in my mouth. What I wanted was to flush them out with soap and water. Or scream, scream without making a noise.