When Our Worlds Collide

by Iler, Lindsey

  “What’s going on?” Kennedy asks me directly now not bothering on the other two. “Why are you guys acting so weird?”

  “We haven’t been back here since…” Dan begins to explain. Violet shoots daggers from her eyes making him halt the words that threaten to come out.

  “Since what?” Kennedy questions with curiosity. This time she takes her time to look at each of us individually. The wheels are turning in her head waiting for an explanation.

  “Dan, take a walk with me,” Violet whispers pulling on his arm to drag him away from us. Kennedy and I stay silent until they are near the old track. I watch them under the flood lights. Violet jumps onto one of the old high jump mats that were left behind. Dan follows quickly after. That guy would follow her over a cliff if she asked him to. Pussy whipped is what he is.

  Kennedy moves to stand in front of me snuggling closely between my legs. She runs her hands up and down my chest distracting me from the conversation I know is coming. I look down to her blue eyes that are always full of love. I need to be honest with her.

  Violet wasn’t thinking straight dragging us out here. There are too many memories here, too many nights that I wish I could take back, one in particular. This place only reminds me of who I used to be, the guy before Kennedy came along and fixed me.

  “Will you please look at me?” Kennedy whispers. When I do I see her eyes full of fear of the unknown. “What’s going on in that head of yours, Graham Black?”

  “Violet wasn’t thinking when she brought you here, Ken. We should just leave,” I say in a panic trying to skirt around her to get to the driver side door. She pushes her hand against the metal making it slam shut. I turn towards her seeing her hands sharply on her hips.

  “What is this place to you guys? To me, it’s just the old high schools parking lot but by the jumpy eyes and small comments I think I’m smart enough to assume that there’s more to it than that,” Kennedy says trying to act brave but I can see the apprehension on her face.

  I grab her hand bringing it up to my mouth. I don’t kiss her. I just let her hand lay limply against my lips. Being near Kennedy only reminds me of how unworthy I am of her. There’s always this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that at some point the other shoe will drop.

  Kennedy couldn’t possibly look at me like she is right now forever. There will be a time where the light fades from her eyes when they flicker over me. That perfect smile of hers will fall when she realizes how out of my league she is. I’m not ready for that day to come.

  I look down at her and the sparkles still in those beautiful eyes of hers. God, I love this girl. I’m going to destroy her. My choices will destroy her more than she knows. The problem is that I’m selfish enough to keep her until she comes to her senses and turns her back on me.

  “Do you know the real reason why the old high school was shut down? Why my grandfather donated the money to build the new one? It was to cover up my mistakes. My choices that affected not only my life, but someone else who deserved better than what I gave them,” I explain rubbing my hand over my face and down my neck. My frustration is boiling over. I don’t want to have to tell her, but keeping it from her isn’t an option at this point.

  Kennedy shakes her head no.

  “Tell me,” she whispers into the dark.

  My mind wanders back to that day as I stare off into the darkness of the night. I can even remember the smell in the air. You could smell the gasoline from the auto body shop from where I was standing and the distinctness of freshly cut grass. The night came flooded back to me all at once.

  “Is she actually going to come out here?” Craig asked.

  He’s talking about Shelly Sanders. I had been working on her for a few weeks in between my regular hook-ups. She’d been a hard nut to crack, but I was working her over quicker than I thought. She didn’t exactly run in our group. I could admit she was cute in those too baggy clothes, nerdy kind of way. Not my type for the most part. Good thing I only had one night planned with her in mind.

  “Trust me, she’ll be here,” I responded with a slyness. I had invited her during our study date the other night. She seemed eager to come out with me tonight. When she had said yes, she jumped onto her feet laying a kiss on my cheek. There’s no way she wouldn’t show up tonight.

  A few days back Craig and I had devised a plan---a stupid plan.

  “Hey baby,” Amanda slid a hand around my waist pulling herself up on her toes to kiss me.

  “Hey,” I rolled my eyes at her. We just started hooking up a few weeks back. She’s the hottest girl in our grade. She’s got a nice rack and loose legs. What more can a guy ask for?

  “I can’t believe you assholes are actually going to go through with this. I’m a raging bitch, but even I know this is mean,” Amanda gave her opinion just as I unraveled her grasp from my waist.

  “If you got such a fucking problem with it then you can get gone, sweetheart,” Craig chimed in. I laughed at his bluntness.

  Amanda punched him in the arm then looked to me for what, I’m not sure. “You heard him. Get gone,” I demanded taking a few steps away from her towards the keg in the bed of Dan’s truck.

  I filled my red cup to the top taking a long pull of beer. It’s refreshing and managed to calm my nerves. Deep down, I knew that Amanda was right---on both counts. She’s a bitch, but what we were planning was all kinds of wrong. Even I, someone who had zero conscious, knew that. It was too late. Shelly was making her way towards me with an innocent smile on her lips.

  “Hey baby,” I shouted to get her attention gaining the watchful eyes of everyone else loitering around. I knew no one understood why Shelly was hanging around with us tonight, but soon enough they would.

  “Hi,” she said shyly standing close enough to make it obvious that my hard work had paid off. She’s into me and all it took was a few brushes of my fingers across her hand and throwing a few sidelong smirks to her in the hallway to get her right where I needed her.

  This all started when Shelly and I happened to be paired up in chemistry class to work on our labs together. She was smart and naïve and easy to rile up. All I had to do was make a small sexual innuendo and she would be blushing like a school girl. After explaining to her I needed some extra help in class, she offered her help and I offered to give her an orgasm (Jokingly…because she was as pure as silk). I don’t think she was too opposed to the idea though. Even the innocent types have daydreams of getting off every now and then.

  After everyone found out Shelly and I started working together on our homework every week the guys, mainly Craig, got this funny idea in their heads. Craig thought it would be funny to lead her on. Well more like have me lead her on and then when she’s good and infatuated drop the news that she was nothing but entertainment for me and my friends.

  “You didn’t? Graham?” Kennedy stuttered breaking my train of thought in the middle of the story.

  “I did and I’m not proud of myself, Ken. You have to know that,” I beg hoping with every fiber of my being that she will believe me.

  “What happened next?” she asks needing to know more.

  I continue on with my story hating myself more today than I did the day that it all happened.

  The night continued like most of them do behind the high school. We got drunk listening to music. The girls huddled in the corner gossiping about whatever the hell girls talk about. The guys talked a bunch of bullshit and I took Shelly’s virginity in the back of my truck.

  “Wanna go for a ride with me?” I remember asking Shelly. Craig was grinning like the Cheshire Cat behind her. He knew what was going to happen. He was in on the whole thing.

  “Sure,” Shelly offered as I took her hand in mine guiding her to my truck. I opened the door. Apparently all of my gentlemanly manors weren’t completely gone. They liked to pop up whenever they deemed necessary, just never at the right time.

  There’s a football practice field just down a small dirt path that leads to a wooded s
ecluded area. It’s been used for hooking up for years. I’ve brought quite a few girls down here. Shelly was different. The other girls got a repeat performance, she wasn’t going to. This was a onetime thing strictly for entertainment.

  I jumped out of the cab of the truck. Shelly followed after me sitting down on the blanket that I had spread out in the back for us. I grabbed her hand entwining our fingers together. She looked forward giddy with anticipation as her cheeks blushed. I’ve kissed her a few times, just small contrived kisses here and there. Nothing too hot and heavy, but they all served their purpose.

  “I like you and I know that you probably don’t believe me, but I do,” I lied tucking a strand of hair behind Shelly’s ear. She contemplated what I had said for a few seconds. I could see the tenderness running through her eyes.

  Hook, line, and sinker.

  “I believe you, Graham,” she sighed with joy under my touch.

  I took her reaction as the go ahead to kiss her. I knew that she would be responsive to me, so I pushed the envelope farther than I had with Shelly. As I kissed along her neck making my way to her lips I laid her down in the bed of my truck. Making my way over the top of her, I nestled my way in between her legs. Thank fuck it was warm outside. She was wearing a cotton knee length skirt making easier access for me.

  “Please spare me the gory details, Graham. I can already assume what happened. You took her virginity, didn’t you? You took it without even thinking about what it would mean to her,” Kennedy snaps throwing her hands in the air then frantically running them through her long brown hair. She begins pacing around my car muttering things beneath her breath.

  “I know I’m a horrible person, Kennedy. The look in your eyes says enough,” I whisper trying to grab her hand as she stalks by me. She quickly jerks it away throwing a death glare capable of taking me to my knees at me. I can see the tears in her eyes beginning to build up.

  “That’s not even the worst part.” I continue on to explain what happened after I took her virginity.

  Right after I pulled out of Shelly, she had enough time to pull up her skirt before I jumped in the driver’s side of my truck leaving her a quarter of a mile away from her only means of escape. I pulled into a parking space jumping out to find Craig leaning against Amanda’s Volvo.

  “Is it done?” Craig questions me with a conniving smile.

  “Yeah it’s done,” I offered feeling a mixture of things. Shame was on the top of the list. Forcing anything on my face that resembled a smile was impossible. I slapped hands with Craig as he offered his up to me in celebration.

  “Nice.” Craig’s eyes fell behind me.

  It was all I needed to know that Shelly was making her way towards me. I honestly believed she would get in her car without approaching me. I turned on my heels to see her standing just a few steps away. There were tears running down her cheeks with her eyes bloodshot from crying.

  “A big part of me wanted to run up to her and apologize and make it right even though I knew there was nothing to do. I wasn’t a good person back then. Maybe I’m still not. You make me believe that the Graham back then isn’t in here anymore,” I plead to Kennedy pointing at my heart.

  “What did you guys do to that poor girl, Graham?” Kennedy asks almost fearful of what my response will be. She knows the stories not over. She can sense it’s only going to get worse.

  “We ruined her.” I answer honestly before I continue.

  “Graham?” Shelly nearly begs out my name from her swollen lips.

  “What do you need, Shelly?” I barked out knowing that what I was about to do was irreversible. Shelly’s eyes grew big under my scrutiny. “We’re done here.” I gestured between the two of us.

  The group around us laughed at the clear dismissal of Shelly.

  “Oh my god! I’m such an idiot. I thought you actually liked me. You said all those sweet things to me and all the time I was just a big joke for you and your buddies. Something to laugh at when I turned my back,” Shelly yells gaining the attention of the remainder of my friends.

  Craig walks over to stand directly beside me. He can be intimidating when he turns his cold eyes on you. Shelly’s eyes said it all. There was a fear that crossed over her face then it turned into acceptance. Acceptance that she knew she didn’t belong with people like Craig and me or any of us. She’s too smart. In a moment of weakness that was man made by my hands and my hands alone she forgot how smart she was, she forgot that she was better than us.

  “Well sweetheart, you’re right about one thing. You’re an idiot for thinking Graham Black was ever into you for more than just a quick fuck,” Craig criticized getting in Shelly’s face mocking her with malice. “That’s what you did, right? You spread those chubby little legs of yours for him just now? I didn’t know such a slut was under all those baggy clothes.”

  Shelly ran off with tears and embarrassment in her eyes. I turned to face everyone I knew putting on a face that said that I didn’t give a damn about what I just did, that my actions didn’t matter because I was Graham Black. I never told anyone but I tried calling and texting Shelly after that night and never heard from her again. It was too late to take it back, too late for apologizing.

  “I was too fucking late, Kennedy. There wasn’t anything I could do. It was just too damn late,” I screamed out slamming my fists down on the hood of my car. I could feel the heat from the pain radiating through my knuckles.

  “It’s never too late to fix your wrongs. There is always time. What you did to that girl was coldhearted and nothing like the guy that I know, Graham,” Kennedy responds shaking her head.

  “That’s the thing, I can’t fix it Kennedy. She killed herself a week later, inside that school. You never heard anything about it because my father convinced my grandfather to cover it up. She left a note, Kennedy. Explaining why and I was at the top of that list. You see what I mean? My bad choices ruined that girl and my choices will continue to ruin you,” I fight trying to step away from a determined Kennedy. My hands are over my face as I hunch over in shame. For the first time in my life, I can admit that I’m ashamed of who I am.

  Kennedy’s arms wrap around my neck just as I go to stand. She jumps up throwing her legs around me holding onto me with a death grip. I can feel her nails digging into my back. She’s holding on for dear life, trying to keep the version of me that she sees close to her.

  “Graham, your choices don’t have full control over others actions. You did something horrible, but that doesn’t mean that Shelly didn’t already have issues before you. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that tip people over the edge without any rhyme or reason,” Kennedy argues laying her head down on my shoulder.

  I force her to look up at me and when she does I see the anguish in her eyes. “It doesn’t matter now. I just wanted you to know it all. You deserve to know the type of guy you’re with.”

  “I know who I’m with now. I’ve never been with the guy you just talked about. That’s not you anymore.” She rubs her thumbs along my jawline in a comforting motion. “Everyone has a past, some are harder than others, but everyone has one. You need to learn to let things go. You’re making the present harder on yourself by holding onto all of that.”

  Everything Kennedy is saying is true. I know that. My choices have managed to burrow deep down into my heart snuggled close to the darkest corner afraid to come out. There’s a fear of letting my mistakes go. When I do I know the type of guy I will be. I’d be the guy that Kennedy dreams me up to be and that’s scary. It’s not who I’ve been all these years.

  “I love you, Graham Black, and nothing you tell me is going to change that,” Kennedy offers with honesty in her eyes as she jumps down from my arms. She leans up to kiss me. I pull back with our lips a near whisper away from the much needed connection.

  “I never thought I’d love anyone. I never thought I deserved the love of someone like you, but God Kennedy---I love you so damn much it hurts sometimes,” I say honestly wiping the single
tear that managed to escape form Kennedy’s eye.

  When we pulled into this parking lot, my biggest fear was that Kennedy would see me how I see myself. I want to be that person that puts others before himself, who finds it easy to make the right choices. I want to be able to see my own worth without having to look into Kennedy’s eyes for the reassurance. She believes in me more than I deserve and she deserves to have anything she’s ever wanted.

  When I look into her eyes I feel as if everything’s going to be okay. There’s a lightness to her that’s hard to find it others anymore. She’s the type of person you root for and protect. Kennedy’s the good in this world.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  -Kennedy-

  The weeks that followed Graham’s confession flew by. We spent our time talking about the person Graham used to be and the person that he wants to be. His honesty is noble and a true strength of his character. His father’s abuse hasn’t managed to put out his flame and neither has his mistakes. He’s beginning to realize that he’s only human, a young human at that, and mistakes are going to happen but he can’t allow them to define him.

  Graham has this fire in his eyes that’s bordering on contagious. You can’t stop your heart from wanting to beat in one with his. He’s the type of person that you fight for. He’s the brightness in this world.

  Thankfully, the guys don’t bat an eyelash at us when we walk down the hallway together hand in hand anymore. They all stopped bothering us when we hide away on the dock at the lake, when everyone is busying themselves with getting drunk and hooking up. It became our spot to connect. Secretly I think Graham’s relieved he doesn’t have to play the part of Mr. Popular. I’m relieved that with Graham’s absence, Craig’s house is no longer the place to spend Saturday nights. You can still see his house from the other side of the small lake, but luckily he’s been smart enough to keep his distance.

  The rumors have finally stopped after a few rounds of rather ridiculous accusations about the nature of mine and Graham’s relationship. Some girls have even gone as far as to say I am paying Graham to be my boyfriend to gain access to the “in crowd”. That one made Graham laugh. I on the other hand didn’t find the humor in it.