Undisclosed Desire (The Complete Box Set

by Falon Gold

  “Wait, Camron.”

  “No, Amari. You’re done running from me.”

  He drives forward, bottoms out inside me, stretching me to the hilt. The room he can’t find in my body he borrows from my soul. That would be all well and good if that area wasn’t supposed to be off limits to him. Yet, it seems no barrier is strong enough, line long enough, or wall tall enough to keep him out. Suddenly, I’m starving for oxygen.

  “Fuck, baby,” he hisses against my temple, planting a light peck there. “Are you okay?”

  Well, of course not if I’m hyperventilating. “I’m fine. Give me a little time to get used to your size.”

  “You are tight, little one.”

  Won’t be when he’s done.

  “It’s…” my voice cracks. “…fine.”

  “It’ll be more than that, Amari.”

  Promises, promises.

  He begins to rock back and forth, in and out. Graceful, unhurried strokes that target my g-spot and dismantle my right mind. I wrap around him like a cocoon, holding on for dear life as he steals other things from my body that I never meant to part with, while transferring overpowering joy into the empty places… and memories. I doubt if they’ll ever fade.

  Buckling under the overflow of sensations I haven’t experienced before, can’t tolerate now, I start to tremble beneath him. Water leaks from my eyes bizarrely. Why does Camron have the power to affect me like this? It’s not fair when I can’t protect myself from him no matter what I do and he can harden his heart at will.

  Branches unfurling from his wrists slip into the crooks of my knees and push them backwards until they’re aligned with my shoulders. He balances on the backs of my thighs. They’re leverage for him to power drive into me, shove himself deeper at a breakneck pace.

  “Cum now, Amari,” he grunts, the veins and muscles in his neck overworking.

  I explode on command, then rocket upwards, paving the way for him into the stars. Earthquakes roll through every fiber of my being, brutalizing nerve-endings not fortified to handle the force of a natural disaster.

  Breathless, I scream, “I want it to stop, Camron!”

  “Me too, love,” he grunts. “Just hold onto me.”

  He collapses on top of me, chanting my name in a rapid, hushed tune, huffing and puffing into the curve of my neck, and smearing sweat from his body to mine. Filling me up with his seed. I cradle the back of his head, until his breathing quiets. A God in the sack or rather limo that feels like home when he’s in my arms.

  You should’ve waited until you got home. Maybe you’d have remembered the condoms in your nightstand drawer.

  Oh no no no! Shit and goddammit and even more shit!

  It’ll be in diapers if you’re lucky. You do want a child.

  The last thing Camron wants is for me to have his baby.

  It’ll be your baby too. With the man you’ve wanted for a long, long time. It’s a win-win, and he doesn’t have to know.

  I’ve done enough things wrong today.

  “Camron.”

  He hums into the nook of my neck and shoulder that his nose seems quite comfortable in.

  “I’m not on birth control. You didn’t use a condom.”

  He rolls over to his back, leaving me feeling deserted, lonely. That’s fine. I…Have to search for the strength to continuing lying to myself.

  And you were so good at it too.

  “I’m clean, Amari. I’ll let you look at my medical records when I take you home.”

  Take me home. The deal is truly done. I’ve lost it all, even what wasn’t mine. How do I tell my parents what I’ve done? One thing at a time, Amari.

  “I… I believe you’re clean, Camron, but your medical records won’t help with an unwanted pregnancy.”

  “Right. You don’t want my child. We’ll take care of that in the morning.”

  “I didn’t say I didn’t want your child, Camron, or specify who didn’t want it. You have to stop putting words in my damn mouth.”

  He heaves himself up. “Sorry. I’ll still take care of it in the morning.”

  “Take care of what? There’s nothing you can do but wait.” I’m not even discussing an abortion with him because it’s not a selection.

  “Then we’ll wait.”

  After getting dressed on the double, he exiles himself on the other side of the car again, gone in mind if not body. I mimic him, bouncing up to relieve the floor of my clothes, strangely vulnerable in my nudity around him. That’s never happened to me with any of the three guys I’ve slept with before… because it’s not just my body that’s exposed.

  Muscles that I didn’t know I have protest while I put my clothes on. Camron’s eyes bore into my spine until I’m facing him from my seat.

  “Camron, we need to talk about my money.”

  He disperses something from his throat. “What about it?”

  “Are you going to put it back in my account?”

  “It’ll be there by the time I get you home.”

  “My family’s?”

  “Where it’s always been.”

  One less thing to worry about, but I’ll certainly be warning my mother to move her savings to a much more secure place.

  “How long before you drop me off at my apartment?” The stretch of highway we’re on has no sign posts or mile markers.

  “Not happening. We’ll be on Blanchard Row in twenty minutes.”

  My heart misses a beat. I coddle it with one hand, coaxing it back into a steady rhythm. “I thought—”

  “No.”

  “…the deal was over at this point. I need to go home.”

  “You will.”

  I sit up. “To my apartment. Not Blanchard Row.”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I said so.”

  “Then give me one night alone. I need that to prepare myself for the days ahead.” To come undone, regroup, and then rebuild the shambles of myself into a whole person again. Have done it a hundred times before after setbacks. I’m never the same, but not falling apart anymore. Can’t do that in present company however.

  “I’m not prepared for them either, Amari. Why should I give you the same courtesy?”

  “Kindness from one human being to another.”

  His turns his blank eyes to me, and it’s heartbreaking to see him this dead inside. “Where was yours, Amari, when you were making me believe you still loved another man? It’s not that someone else might have your heart, it’s that you lied about it.”

  Feeling two feet tall, I peep at him from beneath my lashes. “I didn’t think it mattered to you, Camron.”

  “Well, now you know.”

  “If I had known you had any feelings for me—”

  “Amari, do I look like a man who would go through all this just to get somebody in my bed?”

  “No, but—”

  “Then maybe you should’ve considered that I would have for someone I loved before you lied to me.”

  Who loves without forgiveness?

  “If you love me, Camron, you have a funny way of showing it.”

  “Loved,” he declares, cruelly, cutting me deeper than any man ever has.

  “I am sorry I used the necklace to hurt you, Camron. I just didn’t think it through before I let you—”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “It matters to me. If it didn’t to you, you wouldn’t be this cold to me.”

  “Think what you want.”

  “What if I choose to believe you still love me?” A long shot, but I’m desperate to believe I can salvage whatever damage done to him.

  “Believing that is a mistake you’ll regret, Amari. At the end of this contract, we’re done.”

  If he wasn’t trying to make me love him before, so he could throw it back in my face in the end, he is now.

  “We can be done now, Camron. Just rip the band-aid off and move on. It’ll be easier for us both.”

  “I’m not interested in m
aking things easy for you anymore.”

  “You never have, Camron. If this arrangement is all about getting revenge, you should know it’s never going to pan out how you want it to. You have dug two graves with vengeance. One for me. One for yourself. Don’t think for a second I’ll be the only one miserable in this farce, which you probably do, and you are a piece of work for hoping to hurt me back when I never knew that I had the power to hurt you.”

  His attention slips away to the window again. “I’m not a piece of work, Amari. I’m in pieces. Always have been. I’m sick of living like this. Since you’ll have a lot of time on your hands, why don’t you fix me?”

  “You want me to make you a better man?” I squeal in horror.

  For another woman? Never! I can’t stomach the thought of it.

  “Yes, Amari.”

  What is it with him issuing all the ‘mission impossibles’ lately?

  “I can’t do that for you, Camron.” Or to me.

  “I guess we’re going to find out the hard way if you will or won’t, aren’t we?” There’s dogged determination in his face. He’s not going to let this go either, but he needs to be persuaded to.

  I'm not equipped to deal with the level of cruelty he’s disbursing right now. I sure as hell won't survive taming him, loving him, just to let someone else have what I mold him into.

  “You ask too much, Camron. We won’t last a month in the same house together. I'm not in your league, wasn’t born with a silver-spoon in my mouth, and I attended college in small-town Winchester, not an Ivy League school where tuition fees could fund a small country. I don’t buy material possessions for the labels. I wouldn’t anyway. I have other expensive tastes, like shampoo, groceries, plant food, and starting my own business to one day pay for my father’s surgery, while saving for my retirement.”

  “That’s why I have money, Amari, so you don’t want for anything while you’re with me.” But I won’t really be with him.

  “I’ll still want for what I need the most from you, Camron.”

  “Which is?” His love… again. It’s unjust I never knew had it before it was gone.

  “Doesn’t matter, Camron. You can’t give it to me, so don’t trouble yourself about it. We all have our limits.”

  “Really? I pride myself on rising to any challenge. What are your limits?”

  “Anything that hurts me.”

  “I do believe that's a given for everyone," he mocks. "So, try that again."

  "I'm much more weak-hearted than some."

  "Okay, I'll tell you what your limits are then. You have a serious temper, prone to violence, and you don't tolerate what you perceive as competition well."

  I swear to God if he says Bailey's name, I'll hit him for sure.

  He shrugs. "I don’t like competition either, but it’s not a big deal. I’ll fight until I find a way to win what I want, but being rigid in your beliefs, lying to cause pain, and hard to make listen is a deal breaker." All the crimes I’ve committed.

  "I'm going to jump down the rabbit hole, Camron, and ask what is so wrong with thinking there's right, there's wrong, hitting back when I’ve been kicked, or sticking to my guns when I feel strongly about something."

  Which sort of makes me small-minded when life is full of unexpected, extensive gray areas that can’t be explored with narrowmindedness. He exposes me to more than a few of those areas with just his kisses. But I’m human. Born to make mistakes. Worthy of being forgiven, once at least.

  "It doesn't occur to you that there are right reasons for people doing the wrong things, Amari, so you don’t want to hear them out when they try to explain."

  Can't argue with him there.

  But like most people, I don't want to hear about my imperfections. Not for long anyway.

  "That’s enough, judge and juror."

  He arches an eyebrow. "You don't trust easily either, and you’re a very imaginative name-caller."

  "Enough!"

  "Can dish out others’ flaws but can't take your own?"

  "You know I think the same thing about you often."

  "You're deflecting, and we're not all that different then, are we?"

  I drop back in the seat. "Throwing my words back at me, huh? Things are going to be so much worse than I thought on Blanchard Row."

  "Why?"

  "I didn’t think you would pull the silver spoon out your butt long enough to look past your own selfishness and snobbish ways to see my faults. Your inability to own your own faults has gotten me through a lot of hard days and lonely nights."

  Did I say ‘lonely nights’ out loud?

  Yep.

  Damn. He'll totally question me about that.

  “Amari, what in the hell does that mean?”

  “I’ll tell you one day.” When I have Alzheimer and have forgotten.

  “Are you refusing me?"

  “Don’t start that shit, Camron. I’ll tell you. Your faults gave me the power to deal with you every day. That’s it.”

  If he doesn’t have any fatal flaws that I can wield to weaken his hold over me, what’s to stop it from growing stronger? Nothing. I end up head over heels in love by myself.

  “How do my faults give you power, Amari?”

  “I didn’t have to worry about lo… liking you more than I should or taking a good look at myself as long as I’m judging you for looking down on others and treating them badly.”

  “And now?”

  “Well, I can’t point fingers at you if I’m doing the same thing as you… to you.”

  He gives me a quick once over from head to toe. “I guess you can’t anymore.”

  But if I don’t, the pitiful walls I’ve built are going to crumble completely and I’ll see him as a regular man with faults, needs, and the drive to do better. Approachable. Loveable.

  You’re already doing it.

  “God, help me.”

  “And you rudely talk to yourself when I’m right here, Amari. Now about those nights. Why were they lonely?”

  “I haven’t found Mr. Right to make them feel less lonely yet.”

  “So there really is no Mr. Right for you. There’s always Mr. Right Now.”

  I haven’t been looking for him either.

  Because you’d already found them both in one.

  “No, no Mr. Right. You happen to be Mr. Right Now, which you’ll stay because you’ll be bored with me when the novelty of me wears off… whatever that is for you. I’m staking my last hundred-dollar bill on us killing each other before our time is up first.”

  “Amari, being bored with you isn’t even possible.”

  “You say that now, but—”

  “I mean it now.”

  It’s ‘later’ that I’m worried about. I need some peace and quiet to mend the fences around my heart that he’s already torn down. “So, this conversation is titillating and all, but I’d really like to know when can I have my necklace back? I want to wear it while I’m on Blanchard Row. Something to remind me of what I have to look forward to after we both move on.”

  He doesn’t respond. When my face begins to tingle under his glare and he begins to clench his jaw, I decide that’s a resounding ‘no’ to cushioning my fall into misery while he works at propelling me there. Flipping on my side, I wrap my arms around myself while facing the trunk.

  “Anything else, Amari?”

  I let my silence speak for me. The Human League’s Human keeps the quiet from becoming deafening. More eighties pop music that depresses me and induces longings for things that I can’t buy or think up: surefire ways to unlove Camron. That should be no problem in the long run as long as he keeps treating me like this. However, I’ve got to get to the end of the ‘long run,’ and it might be a good idea to teach him how to be civil towards those that have gotten on his bad side.

  Start with stop pissing him off, and then lead by example.

  Which means keeping my lips glued shut, my unrequited love to myself, and letting Camron be himself with no compla
ints from me at his home, where I’ll pretend to be completely under his control. I have about as much love for that as Camron does me right now.

  Time stretches until I lapse into a troubled sleep. Every swerve of the car wakes me. Every stop fills me with anxiety. When the car mobilizes again, I fall back into another restless doze, getting about thirteen winks instead of forty.

  At the next full stop, the door opens. I gravitate towards it, needing fresh air, the bathroom, and Camron to let me go home. Not necessarily in that lineup.

  I step onto the curling driveway of his sprawling, gray stone mansion. It needs twin long porches and two-story columns to support the A-line shingled roof and the massive balcony suspended between trios of stacked picture windows that are climbing each level. There’s an unending view into a brightly-lit room on the first floor. Strange women lounge on snow-white chaises and a loveseat in next to nothing, clutching glasses of champagne bigger than their outfits.

  You were wrong, Amari. He hasn’t thrown all his excess ass away. A few of them are here.

  My stomach revolts. If it wasn’t empty, it would be. There’s a goddamn harem in these four walls too, a fatal error to presume it would be just me and Camron living here during my contracted stay. Residing with just one of him who’s angry enough to demand I fix him for someone else is going to be bad enough. A team of divas is too much. Getting him to breach his own contract as soon as possible, however I can, becomes priority number one.

  He grins down at me. “Welcome to my home, Amari.”

  “Don’t you mean whorehouse? Why am I even here? You have enough pussy here to satisfy three men… unless you’re overcompensating for something.”

  His eyebrows brush the sky. “Nope, never bored with you, and you don’t talk like that. Don’t start now. You now know for yourself if I need to overcompensate after the car ride. You’re here because I want you to be, and jumping to conclusions as usual.”

  “No jumping involved, Camron. What I see is what I see. Want to explain what these women are doing in your home? Better yet. Don’t! You’ll just look worse in my eyes.”

  The car drives away. I want to hail the driver down like a taxi, or mount the hood, and demand he take me with him. Won’t do me any good. Camron will find me. At just the thought of him putting me through something worse than today and yesterday, I grab for my roiling abdomen.