The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!)

by Steven Scaffardi

  Tall Girl: Why don’t you spread and I’ll use my legs to kick?

  Jack: Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

  Gretchen: Yes, it is actually. Do we know each other?

  Jack: (Pause) I’m going to level with you – I was trying to use a pick-up line and it’s backfired.

  Gretchen: I don’t get it.

  Tall Girl: Don’t talk to him, Gretch, he’s a bloody pervert.

  Jack was on the ropes and practically out on his feet, and like any fighter on the brink of a knockout, he looked like he was ready to throw in the towel as he sulked his way back over to us.

  “Let me guess,” Rob said. “They’re all frigid?”

  “Or lesbians,” I said.

  “Lesbians? Where?” Ollie said, craning his neck back and forth to scan the bar for the lady lovers.

  Jack ignored Ollie’s stupidity. “Whatever, the night is young,” he responded, motioning that he was still up for the fight. “Those girls were just small fry before the main course. I’ve got bigger fish to fry yet.”

  We all laughed, so much so that I didn’t even notice Kelly appear. “What’s so funny?” she asked.

  “Hi Kelly,” I said. “Jack here was just trying to,” I pondered before continuing, “How can I say? Get better acquainted with some of the ladies here at Paul’s party.”

  “Ooh, really?” she excitedly said. “Show me which ones? Some of my friends are here so I’ll be keeping my eye on you boys. My friends like a man who can romance them.”

  “I’d like to romance the shit out of them,” Jack said under his breath.

  Kelly’s expression said she hadn’t heard what Jack had said and she looked to me for help. “Don’t worry,” I said. “Let me buy you a drink, it’s time the hostess took a break.” We made our way to the bar. “So how has it all gone so far tonight?” I asked as I ordered our drinks.

  “It has gone well,” she said. “Paul is on his way to getting really drunk so I’ll have to keep an eye on him later.”

  “Well, it is his birthday so he’s got an excuse. Besides, I can hardly talk after my recent escapades,” and I filled Kelly in with the details of my recent dates with fanny-fart Hannah, clitless Kayleigh, and dry-humping Lucy.

  “Seriously, stop laughing,” I told Kelly. “You are not helping with my self-esteem.”

  “Oh Dan, how do you manage to get yourself into these situations?” Kelly replied, still laughing.

  “There you are,” Paul interrupted, grabbing Kelly around her waist from behind, and gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “Come here, gorgeous.”

  “Get off me, you drunk,” she said half-jokingly, but with a hint of tension in her voice. “You remember Dan from my office, don’t you?”

  “Hi Paul,” I said extending my hand, “Happy birthday, mate.”

  “Of course I remember Dan. He’s the funny one you work with,” Paul said. There was an edge of cynicism in his voice, but I decided to ignore it as he extended his hand to shake mine. “How are you, mate?” Paul slurred.

  I could tell he was drunk by the way his eyes glazed over. Kelly looked uncomfortable with the situation, and there was now definitely tension in the air. I tried to pretend I hadn’t noticed. “I’m good thanks. I hear you liked your present.”

  “I loved it, the best present I’ve ever been given in my life,” and he put his arm around Kelly’s neck and pulled her close to give her another sloppy kiss on the side of her face. He then turned back to me. “I suppose I should thank you as well seeing as you picked it out for me.”

  “I told Paul that you helped me pick the present,” Kelly said in a tone that sounded like she was trying to avoid a potentially difficult situation. I was confused at what was happening, like there was some sort of in-joke going on and I was the one on the outside, except it didn’t feel like there was going to be a punch line.

  “It was Kelly who picked it out really, I just went along to make sure she didn’t buy you a man-bag,” I joked to try and ease the tension and divert the direction of where this conversation was heading. It didn’t work.

  “I wondered when you were going to start cracking a few jokes, funny man.” Paul sarcastically remarked, patronisingly slapping me across the cheek three times.

  I’d had enough of this. “Sorry, but is there some sort of problem here?” I asked.

  “Problem?” Paul sneered as he removed the arm he had draped around Kelly’s neck. “I’ll tell you what the problem is. I don’t appreciate you sniffing around my girlfriend.”

  “What?” I wasn’t expecting that response. I had met Paul three or four times and we had always got on.

  “Stop it, Paul, you’re drunk,” Kelly tried to push him away, but he kept trying to move towards me until he was right up in my face. I could smell the whisky on his breath as he sprayed me with his tirade.

  “I saw the text you sent her. Saying how she was the one.” That bloody text I thought to myself. “What are you even doing here?” Paul demanded to know. “You’ve got some front turning up on my birthday and trying to crack on with my girlfriend.”

  “Enough, Paul!” Kelly pulled him away. “I’m sorry, Dan, he doesn’t know what he’s saying.”

  I was genuinely speechless, but my blood boiled inside. Not because of the ridiculous statements he was throwing around, but because I could see how this was upsetting Kelly. I decided the best thing I could do at that moment was to swallow my pride, be the bigger man and walk away.

  “I think I’d better go, Kelly,” I said. “I’m really sorry if I’ve caused any problems tonight. I’ll see you on Monday.”

  “Yeah, go on. Get out of here,” Paul said.

  “Dan, please don’t go,” Kelly called out as I turned away. “You’re such an idiot, what did you do that for? I’ve told you before, we’re just friends.” I heard her say to Paul.

  “Come on, we’re going,” I said as I got back to the boys.

  “Why, what’s happened?” Rob said.

  “Let’s just get out of here, I’ll tell you outside.”

  The boys quickly drank up and we made our way through the crowd, and up the stairs to the bar entrance.

  “Hold on,” Jack suddenly said as we were about to leave. “This doesn’t mean I lose the bet.”

  “I’m afraid it does,” Ollie said with a shrug of the shoulders. “You had your chance.”

  “No, there is still time,” Jack said panicking, and looking around the room for one last target.

  “What about her?” Ollie said pointing at a girl standing at the entrance door. She had shoulder-length, wavy light-brown hair. Her face was caked in make-up, and her mini skirt and low-cut top left little to the imagination.

  Jack studied her closely. “Her face is butters,” he commented, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “But her body is absolute,” he said with the usual one-fingered index salute. “Here we go.”

  Jack walked over to her, a little less cocky than usual, realising that his male pride and thirty quid rested on this working.

  “Excuse me,” he said tapping her on the shoulder. “Do you believe in helping the homeless?”

  “What?” she said chewing a massive wad of gum.

  “You know, charity?” Jack said straightening his collar. “Do you believe in helping the homeless?”

  “Yeah, I suppose so.”

  “Then take me home with you,” he said, a big smile on his face and his arms stretched out wide.

  She looked him up and down, and then met his gaze. She chewed her gum some more, flicking it from one side of her mouth to another. Jack strained his smile and raised his eyebrows in the anticipation of her answer.

  “Alright then,” she finally answered. “Let’s go back to mine.”

  Jack turned to us, his face beaming. You couldn’t help but love the guy. His persistence had finally paid off. If Jack was anything he was a man who played the odds game, with him rationalising that sooner or later someone would finally give in to him. Or
be drunk enough to not know what they were doing.

  “That will be 45 squid please gents,” he said with his palm extended out. We paid him the money. “It’s a pleasure doing business with you. I am now off to do the business with old butters’ face. So long, losers!”

  We left the bar and watched Jack bundle his new friend into a taxi, giving us the thumbs up as he did so. “Hold up, Jack,” Ollie shouted after him. “You can drop me off at Tooting Broadway. See you later, guys.”

  Jack’s cocky expression suddenly disappeared as Ollie bounded towards him. Jack tried closing the door of the taxi, but Ollie overpowered him and forced his way in, and all three of them squashed into the back seat like a tin of sardines. We watched the taxi pull away and disappear into the busy London traffic, with Jack furiously shaking his finger in Ollie’s face.

  “Ten quid says they end up in a threesome,” Rob said to me.

  “I’ve lost enough money already tonight,” I declined to take the bet. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

  We walked in the direction of Greek Street. I told Rob what had happened in the bar; the way Paul had accused me of trying to hit on Kelly.

  “Have you tried hitting on her?” Paul asked.

  “No, no way. She is just a friend,” I told him.

  “You sure?” he pressed me. “There seems to be a bit of chemistry there.”

  “There isn’t,” I paused. “We just get on.”

  “In that case, I’ll ask again, do you mind if I have a crack?”

  “Yes, I do mind.”

  Rob laughed, and slapped me on the back. I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I reached in and pulled it out. It was a text from Kelly.

  I’m so sorry x

  Chapter 22: Kelly’s Hero

  Monday, August 10, 2009 - 7.57am

  Drought Clock: 221 days, 4 hours, 40 minutes

  Kelly was already at her desk when I got in. I was surprised to see her as it was 8am and she was never normally in this early.

  “Morning,” I said as I approached. She turned to face me and immediately I could see she had been crying.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked throwing my bag down and quickly moving to be at her side.

  “I broke up with Paul,” Kelly said, tears streaming down her face.

  “Come here,” I said hugging her.

  *

  “I’m sure you guys will work it out,” I said as we sat in the café across the road from our office. Outside, the city was alive with the usual buzz of Monday morning rush hour.

  “No, we won’t,” Kelly said sipping on her coffee. She had managed to compose herself, but her eyes were still red and puffy. “This has been coming for a long time. The way he behaved on Saturday night was the final straw.”

  “I’m really sorry if it had anything to do with me...”

  “It is not your fault,” Kelly said. “He has always been insanely jealous. We had a blazing row on Saturday night. When we met up on Sunday to sort things out, I realised I didn’t want to do this anymore.”

  I knew what Kelly meant; I had gone through the same thing before breaking up with Stacey. When you spend more time being unhappy in a relationship than happy, you know it is time to call it a day. I just hoped that Kelly’s break-up had gone smoother than mine. She hadn’t mentioned any baseball bat-wielding best friends yet so the signs were good.

  “How did he take it?” I asked.

  “Not well,” Kelly said. “He accused me of cheating. Cheating with you, and just about every other guy I have come into contact with over the last three months.”

  “And there was me thinking I was special,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.

  Kelly smiled, but I could tell her mind was elsewhere. She stared out of the window, gazing at nothing in particular. I hated seeing her like this. She was always so bubbly, but now she just looked lost.

  “What am I going to do, Dan?” she looked back at me as tears started to well up in her eyes. I moved around the table and put my arm around her.

  “Things will be okay,” I told her. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but everything happens for a reason.” She buried her head into my chest and sobbed.

  “Hey,” I said. “Why don’t we go out for drinks tonight to take your mind off things? You could probably do with a good night out.”

  “That would be nice.”

  *

  I spent the rest of the day trying to keep Kelly’s spirits up. She had been sitting quietly at her computer for the most part. I had tried everything to take her mind off Paul. We only had a couple of hours left and I decided a break was in order.

  “Cuppa?” I asked.

  “You read my mind,” Kelly said.

  I stood at the kitchen area at the end of the office waiting for the kettle to boil. I glanced back towards Kelly who was staring blankly at her computer screen.

  “Excuse me, Don,” I heard Shaila say. I turned to see her standing next to me. She looked amazing.

  “Oh, hi Shaila,” I said nervously. I had tried avoiding all contact with the ice queen ever since I had been threatened with sexual harassment.

  “I just wanted to say...” she started. Here we go I thought to myself. What was she going to accuse me of now? I hadn’t emailed, joked, or poked her in ages. I promise!

  “...sorry.”

  “What?” I was so shocked I even burnt myself as I poured boiling water into my mug.

  “I know I haven’t been the easiest person to work with these last few months. I’ve had some personal problems to deal with and brought those problems to work with me. It wasn’t fair of me to take that out on you and for that I apologise.”

  Even though she still remained very business-like, she managed a smile. The ice queen had finally cracked! She had a terrific smile and looked even more gorgeous. I didn’t know whether to joke or poke.

  “That’s okay,” I said. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “So I was thinking, perhaps I could take you out for a drink this evening after work to make up for it?” Shaila said with the cutest of grins. I couldn’t believe my luck. This was fantastic. The woman of my dreams was asking me – Don Hilles – out on a date.

  I looked around the office. I wanted someone, anyone, to witness this moment, to make it even more real than it already was. I spotted Pete Crowford suspiciously looking in my direction. I saw Dick poking his head out of his office, trying to pretend that he wasn’t watching.

  And then I saw Kelly.

  “I’m really sorry,” I said turning back to Shaila. “But I can’t make tonight.”

  “Are you sure,” she seductively leaned in towards me.

  “Yeah, I’ve already made plans but how about...”

  “Fine, suit yourself,” Shaila snapped, flicking her hair and storming back to her desk.

  *

  Murphy’s Bar was busier than usual. The new Monday night karaoke theme had brought in a few more punters who wanted to try their hand at being Michael Jackson or Robbie Williams for the night.

  “Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” Kelly said nursing her pink and orange coloured cocktail.

  “Well personally I would have gone for a drink in blue.”

  “You know what I mean,” Kelly said smiling. It was good to see her smiling again. She had spent most of the day making impromptu trips to the ladies after getting text messages from Paul. Her phone beeped again. She picked it up and her expression immediately told me who it was from.

  “Why is he doing this?” she said sounding stressed.

  “What is he saying now?”

  “He asked me earlier if we could meet up to talk. I told him I didn’t think it would be a good idea and that we should give each other some space. This is what he texted back.”

  Fine. I hope you have a nice life.

  “Why is he being such a dick?” Kelly said. My sentiments exactly, but I kept my mouth shut.

  The evening turned into night and we knocked back cocktail af
ter cocktail. We laughed at the poor deluded souls who got up on stage thinking they could sing, and we sung at the top of our lungs when someone got up to sing Livin’ on a Prayer. By 10pm we were well and truly pissed.

  “And do you know what else he always used to do?” Kelly slurred. “He would stick his finger up my bum during sex. I bloody hated it when he did that.”

  “Yeah, I hate that too,” I joked.

  “He had this obsession with my bum. He was forever asking me for anal sex and hovering his penis around my bum, like that was some sort of mating call I would be unable to resist. What is it with you guys and anal sex?” Kelly laughed out loud.

  “I think it is the primate instinct in us. We are like hunters, or explorers. We see a hole and, well...” I chugged back my cocktail. “We want to explore inside.”

  “That is disgusting!” Kelly said giggling. “I told him once that we could have anal sex on one condition,” Kelly paused. “That I got to do him first with a strap on. You should have seen his face.”

  We both started to laugh uncontrollably. Her phone beeped again and she picked it up off the table. In the background the DJ was asking for Sam Jones to come up to the stage.

  “Why does he keep doing this?” Kelly said as her laughter turned to anger. “He is now saying he wants me to pick my stuff up from his place tomorrow or he is going to throw it all out.”

  “Don’t let him get to you,” I said. But it was clear her emotions, mixed with four hours’ worth of drinking, were going to get the better of her again.

  This is the second call for Sam Jones to come to the stage, Sam Jones to the stage please.

  A tear trickled down her face, followed by a second, and she held her hand up to her face and carefully wiped her eyes in that way that girls do to try and prevent their make-up smudging. I handed her a tissue and offered some words of comfort, but it didn’t help.