Carnival Charlatan

by Skeeter Enright

  “Yeah.” The falsetto voice gave Craig an impression of a skinny man with a big Adam’s apple.

  “Sir, I’m calling to see if I can get some background information about the time your carnival was near Cleveland.”

  “What for?”

  “Well, Sir, there was an incident in Cleveland the night after the tornado. We have reason to believe a person of interest to a local case may have visited the carnival.” It was Craig’s turn to wait.

  “A lot of people visit the carnival.”

  “I know, Sir. I was hoping some of your people might recollect a suspicious character.”

  The snort, which came over the line, sounded more like an animal than a man. “Most people figure my crew are the suspicious characters.”

  “We have no reason to suspect any of the carnival crew, Sir. We’d just like to ask some questions.”

  “Yeah, right.” The silence extended an interminable amount of time. Then, Mister Dimitri said, “Do what you got to do. I got a show to run.” The line went dead.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The arrival back in our world was anticlimactic. I grabbed Sham’s arm and dragged him out of the street as a car roared by, splashing us with leaf-strewn water. My eyes could barely stay open. The four of us walked into a deluge that was no warm summer rain. We left the Outlands in the evening, so I don’t know why it felt like it was early morning here in the world. Some of the trees I could see in the distance were showing a few red and yellow fall leaves. We had definitely been gone more than a day. The turnpike sign showed we were still in Ohio, so it must be late September, if not early October. At least a few weeks must have passed during our day in the Outlands.

  A large warehouse blocked the worst of the bitter wind and driving rain. The sign on the building said Mapco Industries. Tom and Amanda were several yards away, huddled beneath a tiny awning jutting out to shield a personnel door. Amanda looked incongruous in her silken gown. The rain had destroyed her elaborate coiffure. Her hair straggled around her face. Tom held her close, wrapping his coat around her. He murmured what I hoped was explanations while he smoothed her hair. Sham stood with his head thrown back, eyes closed, and face turned to the sky. He wore loose tights, soft-soled moccasins, and a belted cassock with a cape. If a cop drove by right now, we were so screwed.

  Zach had regained his usual, sooty black coloring. I tucked him under my coat to protect him. He struggled weakly. “Hang in there, old bird,” I whispered. He settled down.

  The rain was merciless. Icy water ran down the back of my neck. Every step was a chore. I leaned on my staff to steady my steps. I really needed to get out of the heavy chain mail and sleep for a week. “Tom, you need to get your phone and call Mister D. Sham and I will try figure out where we are.”

  Before we left—subjectively only six or seven hours ago—Tom had taken the battery out of his phone and wrapped it in plastic. I had no idea what traveling to other realities would do to its circuits. I guess we would see. “Come on, Sham. Let’s find somebody to give us directions.” We magical types needed to be out of the area so the phone would work…if it could work.

  The street, lined with warehouses, offered few clues as to which town we were in. I read the signs as we walked. None had more than the street address. We were on Oak Street. Great…every town in America had an Oak Street. Sham looked around like a child at the zoo. I felt like I should buy him a balloon and hold his wrist up.

  “When was the last time you were in this world?” I asked as we trudged along.

  “I am not sure. Time in our world ebbs and flows so. For many years, winter has passed quickly, and summer declines,” he mused. “When last I was here, almost all carriages were pulled by horses, and no buildings were made of metal. Humans have advanced in amazing ways.” He reached for me as I stumbled. I grabbed his hand, and he cried out, dropping mine.

  I had forgotten to take off Myra’s steel skull rings, and they had burned him. “Oh, Sham. I’m sorry. I forgot my rings.” I quickly pulled them off and stuffed them into a pocket of my coat. Zach croaked weakly as I pulled my coat open. I rubbed his head while I watched Sham shaking the pain from his hand.

  Sham’s beautiful eyes turned to mine. “There is a lot of cold iron in this world?”

  I nodded. “You will have to be careful. Anything with gray metal may be dangerous for you.” I leaned against the chain link fence between buildings, too weary to go on. “Even this fence is iron.” I fished around in my outer pockets and found a pair of leather gloves. “Try these. They will protect you.”

  He tried to pull on the gloves, but they were much too small. He closed his eyes, and his lips moved. He easily pulled the gloves on.

  “You’ll have to show me that spell,” I said. As tired as I was, I still had to appreciate his skill. It must be a precise spell, using fine manipulation of objects on the molecular level. I could speed up particles to make wind or start fires, but never imagined molecular vibrations could be controlled so delicately.

  “It is a simple matter of increasing the space between the particles.” He watched me shivering. “Are you cold, Sister?” At my nod, he touched my coat and murmured another word, which sounded like rapidimant. Immediately, my coat became as warm as if it had just come out of the dryer. He must have sped up the vibration of the particles in my coat without setting it on fire. I had to learn that trick, too. I was too tired even to ask right now.

  A glance back showed Tom with the phone to his ear. Maybe this adventure would be over soon. I pushed off the fence, and we continued our trek. Cars dashed past. I could see people noticing us. This was obviously not a pedestrian area. From the corner, I could see some sort of a diner a couple of blocks away, in the direction the turnpike sign indicated. It looked open. I asked Sham to run back, and tell Tom and Amanda to meet me there. He dashed off faster than any person should be able. Luckily, there were no cars going by.

  Note to self—warn big brother to act more human. The rain still ran down my neck, but I didn’t have the energy to lift my head as I slogged along. My three companions caught up to me just as I reached the restaurant aptly named The Café.

  There was no one in the place except a heavy-set, gum chewing waitress, with jangling earrings and too much mascara. A slight, Mediterranean-looking guy in a greasy apron scraped the grill behind the counter. Tom explained our outfits to the chatty server, by saying we had been to a costume party and our car broke down. I ordered pancakes and excused myself to go to the bathroom to remove the chain mail. My eyes were crossing, and I had to hold on to chairs as I worked my way across the diner.

  I heard the waitress say, “Too much party?” and Tom agreed. I was sitting on the floor letting the hand dryer blow through my soaking hair when Amanda came in. She had my plate of pancakes. I had put Zach in the sink. He was finally able to stand up. He drank some water and ate half a pancake with syrup. I ate the rest, not really tasting anything.

  Amanda knelt down next to me and put a hand on my cheek. “Airy, I’m not sure if I can ever thank you for what you did for me.”

  I waved a hand weakly. “You and Tom have been good to me all my life. You’d have done the same for me. I think we are even.”

  “Not by a long shot,” she said and hugged me fiercely. She stood up, wiped her eyes, and said, “I’ll see if I can get a box for Zach.”

  I vaguely heard the waitress say something about not making a mess in the john. I drifted to precious sleep before I could hear Amanda’s reply.

  Chapter Sixteen

  When my eyes opened, I was in bed, in my trailer. It was dark. I could hear the sounds of the carnival outside, the music of the Ferris wheel, laughter of the crowds, and the race of the roller coaster. Janie was reading a book on my couch. Zach was in his traveling cage near the ceiling…but…I was just in a diner. Did I have a bad dream? What was Janie doing here? I wracked my brain for context. Images came to me…trolls, centaurs, pixies, the sensation of flying, being carried, my face close a
gainst someone’s chest…Sham? Brief memories flashed like a kaleidoscope—a blue car, Zach in a box, sitting in a stone room, Tom shaking me, Mister D’s worried face. It was not coming together. What happened? I sat up suddenly. In one great, mind-blinding flash, it all came back to me.

  Janie dropped her book and jumped up. “Welcome back.” She came over and felt my forehead. “You had us worried.”

  “How did I get here? How long were we gone?”

  “It’s been three weeks since you and Tom went hunting for Amanda. Tom said you all came back from the dark side about four days ago. You zoned out in the john somewhere up in Ohio. Tom, Amanda, and Sam brought you home. We’re in Evansville now,” Janie said, stroking my hair in a very un-Janie like way. “You been like a zombie for four days. Doc said we should take you to the hospital if you didn’t get up today.”

  “Is Amanda all right?” I’d forgotten Amanda might have problems adapting back to this world.

  “She’s fine, sweetie. She’s been puking like she was three months gone, but she’s glad to be back thanks to you,” she said.

  I nodded. Wait a minute. “Who’s Sam?”

  “Sam the Sham…Tom said he’s your brother.” She frowned.

  “Oh, yeah,” I said. “I must have really got scrambled to forget him. He’s a half-brother, Father’s side,” I added. “Travel sure can give you a lot of surprises.”

  “No shit,” she agreed with a raised eyebrow, which said she would pump me for more information later. “You going to be okay?” At my nod, she said, “I better let everybody know you’re up.” Janie patted me on the shoulder and hurried out.

  Out for four days—I must have been in some sort of psychic shock. I did more magic in the past few days than I have in any one year of my life. Since there were no ley-lines in the Outlands, all the magic I’d done had drawn energy straight from my body. It was a wonder I made it back to this world at all…four days. I still felt like I’d been rode hard and put up wet. Zach looked like hell, too. Half his feathers were gone, and he sat hunched with none of his usual vigor.

  The smell of coffee made my mouth water. I got up unsteadily and tottered over to the pot. A loud Hell’o came from the cage behind me. “Glad to see you made it too, old bird.” I fished around in the cupboard and found some raisins. Zach took a couple from my hand. I put the rest in his food cup. I grabbed another handful and gulped them down. Other than being weak, I felt surprisingly good.

  Before I could sit with my coffee, the door flew open. Sham rushed in and hugged me. Coffee spilled down the back of his blue plaid flannel shirt. I could feel the buzz of fairy from him. The wards on my trailer must have run down. He backed off but still held my hand. He watched me as though I were a glass curiosity.

  I squeezed his hand. “I hear you have a new name?” I asked with a smile.

  “Tom thought Sam would sound better in this world. Sister, I am so happy you have come back to yourself. Everyone was very worried,” he said earnestly. He reminded me of a puppy ready to plotz.

  I retrieved my hand, poured another cup of coffee, added three spoons of sugar, and sank onto my couch. The newly-monikered Sam sank down beside me, took my hand again, and put his free arm around me. I’d read fairies were touchy-feely. Sam was living up to the stereotype. I wasn’t complaining. He was gorgeous. His silky, sandy brown hair fell naturally in a frame around his perfect face. I don’t think he had any pores. I noticed he had a cleft in his chin just like me. It must be courtesy of our father. Mom had no chin dimple. Under his flannel, he wore my Grateful Dead T-shirt. It fit him like a second skin. I have a vague memory of him getting out of the shower wearing only black gloves. If it was a real memory, it was too bad he was my brother. Also, too bad he was a fairy. I tried to remind myself I really shouldn’t trust him.

  “How are you, Big Brother? Are you enjoying your time in the mortal world?”

  “I like seeing the changes in this world. Tom thinks it has been nearly a hundred years since I was here last. I am living in the bunkhouse with Big Mike, Ted, and Ace.

  “Don’t let Ted teach you to play cards.”

  He gave me a quizzical look. “What is playing cards?”

  “Don’t worry about it. What have you been doing?”

  “I have been making myself useful, doing work for Tom and Mister Dimitri. Tom has been explaining cars to me. I think horses are more efficient, even though they are slower. The cars we used coming here did not seem to last long before they would no longer work,” he said all in a rush. Fairies must have great lungs.

  “Cars are a problem,” I agreed. “It is our magic. It messes with mechanical things,” I said. “You will have to learn to stay away from the big rides, if you decide to stay with the carnival. Don’t go by the Ferris wheel or the roller coaster when they are running.”

  “Mister Dimitri already warned me. I am careful around the machines.”

  “Don’t worry about the cars we broke getting home. They were rentals.” Tom came in smiling broader than I had ever seen. “I got the insurance, so the replacements were free.”

  “Screw the insurance company,” Sam chimed in. He really was fitting in. I knew he was parroting Tom. He could do worse.

  “We’re going to have old Sam the Sham driving before you know it.” Tom hugged me. “You had us worried, kid.”

  “I just blew a fuse. I’m fine now. I could eat a horse, though.”

  “We will feed you up until you can’t move.” Amanda came in behind Tom. Her radiant smile was the only thing about her that was vibrant. She moved carefully. Her face was gaunt, her hands just knobs and twigs.

  “Looks like you need some feeding up yourself,” I replied.

  “I’m fine.” Amanda hugged Tom’s arm. “Tom has been making me drink gallons of water. I feel better every day.”

  “I should take you over to the Outlands for a bit, to help you sort yourself out.”

  Amanda shuddered. “I don’t want to go back there. Ever! I’ll guts it out.”

  “Suit yourself,” I said.

  The party to celebrate our return was epic. We were two days from tear down, so everyone was up for a wild time before we headed up to Chicago. When I emerged from my trailer about midnight, the party was in full roar. I didn’t have time to worry about losing a month of revenue. I would probably be eating dog food this winter, but surviving the Outlands made that seem incidental. I found I had lost my appetite for weed, but beer was going down really well. I’d heard beer is good for you when you’re weak—lots of minerals.

  I was feeling no pain when I saw Sam in a corner with Myra. She had his shirt half off and was down to her bra as well. Myra’s clothes tended to fall off when she got drunk. She was teaching him how to do tequila shivers, licking his chest, shaking on salt. I felt a funny twist in my stomach. It wasn’t because I was jealous. He was my brother, after all.

  I just wondered how fertile fairies were and if Sam knew what a condom was. Obviously, fairies can breed with humans, as evidenced by both Amanda and me. Myra tended to get too wasted to remember protection. I’d told her she was going to catch something even Ajax couldn’t rub off, but she’d laughed and said life was too short to worry. Sometimes, I thought she had the right idea, but after the recent revelations about my origins, I don’t think I was ever going to be able to let go like Myra.

  I woke sometime the next day with Doc, Sam, and Myra in my bed…one hell of a party! The place reeked of beer and cigarettes. I usually hated the smell of cigarettes, but today, it was comforting. I was up against the wall with Doc’s head in my lap. He looked about ten years old when he was asleep. I smoothed his hair. I had thought of getting him in my bed for some time. Wouldn’t you know, it finally happened, and I was too wiped out to take advantage of the opportunity? Ain’t life a bitch sometimes?

  My feet were under Sam’s back, and Myra was sprawled across both Doc and Sam. The boys and I were fully clothed, but Myra was down to her panties. I noticed she’d lost a little w
eight while I was gone. She had a new tattoo of a teddy bear on her shoulder. Janie was asleep, curled up on the couch. Freddie was on the floor at her feet. His teeth were on the table. Ewww. He was wearing the chain mail I had taken to the Outlands. He and Janie were both still dressed, thank goodness. Elder nudity would be way too much this early in the morning.

  The door was wide open. I could hear people stirring around outside. Zach, in his cage, preened what was left of his feathers. I licked my crusty lips, tasted salt and tequila on top of the beer. Last night was great. I drank enough to get mellow. Everyone caught me up on the news and assured me business had been picking up. No fights broke out. No weird creatures were in evidence…unless you counted Freddie the Geek. I was among friends. It was good to be home.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The carnival was already up and running. There wasn’t a place on the lot for my tent, so I put on the Madam Magda outfit, grabbed a folding chair, and went out to drag the midway for marks. Having lost a month’s revenue, I needed to start making up for lost time, or I would be in trouble this winter. I figured I’d read a few palms and do a little mentalist act to make some money. I didn’t want to tap into my meager savings if I didn’t have to.

  As I walked along, I thought if I couldn’t catch up before the season ended, maybe I should go to the casinos and use a little magic to make some money. Some magical practitioners give in to that temptation. They say if you don’t take a lot, there isn’t any trouble from the casino management. I know shifting the dice or influencing the bounce of a ball on a roulette wheel isn’t dark magic. It’s just I wasn’t raised to use magic to cheat people.

  Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m a Carney, and the stereotype is we were all low-class cheats and thieves, but the people I have lived with all my life weren’t that way. We’ve had some bad eggs that come around for part of a season now and again. They don’t last on our lot. There was the occasional grifter, and one time, there was a chester who had too special an interest in the townie kids. Mister D weeds the bad ones out pretty fast. In the case of the chester, I don’t think they ever found the body.