Momfriends

by Ariella Papa

  She closed her eyes and started to open them, but then squeezed them shut again.

  “Take your time,” I said.

  She did. And when she opened her eyes, the air around her changed. All of my functioning senses felt this. She looked me in the eye. She was vulnerable. She was suffering. She was unreeling and so was I.

  “Perfect,” I said. The change in the room was so striking and surprising that I almost couldn’t do my part. But I had to hold up my end of the deal.

  I snapped. I didn’t say much. Claudia was going through her own thing, working something out with herself in her head.

  “That feeling,” she said, finally, almost tearfully, her hands rising to her face. “Like you said your daughters felt. I remember looking at Emily that way on her changing table. I think I resented that freedom. I can’t believe what I am doing to her.”

  “It’s not too late,” I said. “You don’t have to.”

  “I want to feel that feeling,” she said. “I want you to see me. I want someone to see me.”

  “I will,” I said, feeling the weight of that charge. “I can.”

  “This damn bra,” she said. “These stupid nylons on an August day.”

  And then she was taking off her skirt and her nylons. She started to unbutton her shirt but then hesitated. She unhooked her bra and pulled it off through her sleeves the way I used to do in high school gym class. She stood there in her crisp shirt and underwear. It was a huge step. In her own way she was naked before me. As naked as she could be. I snapped away, moving around her, encouraging. It wasn’t only her body I was seeing, though she was definitely more relaxed. It was her expression, evolving, as she got more comfortable. She was becoming bold and shameless. She was resigning herself to something.

  I pulled my camera away from my face. “Claudia, you are beautiful, thank you.”

  She nodded. She wasn’t ready to leave this moment yet and neither was I. I kept photographing her. And again, for me, it was as it had been with Ruth. I felt like I wasn’t there. I was a vehicle, channeling something, not really working, more documenting. This was truth. There was no argument.

  I wasn’t aware of time. I was really lost in it. And then I heard the sobbing. I pulled my camera away from me. I looked at Claudia. Her expression had changed. We were out of the moment. But it wasn’t her who had been crying. It was me.

  “Are you ok,” she asked.

  “Yeah,” I said, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “I didn’t even realize.”

  She started to reach out for me, but then realized she was barely dressed. She wasn’t an affectionate person, so the whole thing was a little awkward, like waking up with a stranger after a night of really good sex. But she did hug me and I leaned into her. It was nice to have someone else support my weight for a minute.

  “That was so unprofessional,” I said at last. She laughed.

  “Well this wasn’t really a business venture. In fact I should probably get dressed. What time is it?”

  “I’m not sure. It must be after seven.”

  “Here’s my cell phone. Jeez, it’s almost eight-thirty. We really lost track of time there.”

  “Yeah, but I think it’s gonna be great. I think we made something.”

  “I hope so. Whatever we did it was worth it. But I should probably go.”

  She got up and started to get dressed. When she was done, I walked her to the door. My apartment was quiet. David had gotten all the kids down and now he was probably in our bedroom.

  “It seems like David had everything under control,” Claudia said. “Nice work.”

  “Yeah, it is pretty impressive. They tend to listen to him. They worship him,” I said. “I hope you have a good night too.”

  “I’ll try. But I think I have some music to face,” she said. She narrowed her eyes at me. “What about you?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure I am that brave.”

  Claudia kissed the top of my head. “I’m sure you are.”

  We said good-bye and I closed the door behind her. It was a totally unexpected way for the night to go. But the night was still young. I went back to see David, to see what else could possibly happen.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Hi,” he said and he kissed me. Nothing romantic, a quick peck on the lips. “Is she going to get more pictures?”

  “No, she was just visiting. I wound up taking some photos of her.” I hadn’t told him about my project yet. It wasn’t fully formed, but that never used to matter. I always bounced stuff off him, even in the gestational period. Not anymore. It would be so great to sit in our quiet apartment and talk about what I was working on.

  “That’s cool. You doing adults now, too,” he asked. I was going to explain it to him when his cell phone rang. He quickly glanced at it. “You know, K, I need to grab this. It might be the bakery. Some of the guys are going to be there overnight.”

  And just like that he left our bedroom with his cell phone and his pitiful excuse. I stood there, breathing hard. How much more of this was I going to take?

  No more.

  I stomped into the kitchen to find him smiling into the phone. Smiling at someone else. I didn’t care about shattering quiet. It no longer mattered that I was going to change my life. I couldn’t be a fool anymore.

  “Get off the fucking phone,” I yelled at the top of my lungs. I wasn’t aware I had it in me. “Hang it up.

  He was taken aback. I never spoke to him that way.

  “Um, can I call you back in a few minutes? Ok. Thanks.” He was so pleasant to the woman on the phone. Then his eyes narrowed when he looked at me. “What is this all about, Kirsten? Have you lost your mind? You’re going to wake up the kids.”

  He was staring at me, holding the phone in his hand. This was it. I was going to do it. No going back now. I was getting ready to say good-bye. The curls on his head that I used bury my face in. No more. And he had already shaved his beard that I loved to feel against my chest. At least that was going to be one less thing to say good-bye to.

  I could barely speak. My throat was swelling. Once I got the words out, it would be out there and he would answer and I would know or he would lie and either way there would be no way to take it back.

  “I saw you,” I said. “I saw you.”

  “What? Kirsten, what are you talking about?”

  “I saw you with that woman with the blond hair. I saw you go into those lofts in Dumbo.

  “What? What were y—You were following me?”

  “Yes. And you lied. You lied about everything. You ruined it. Everything.” I gulped the last word out. I was going to cry but not yet. I couldn’t yet. It would be too easy. This was hard, but I had prolonged it for too long. I straightened up, squared my shoulders and looked him in the eye.

  “You’re cheating. I saw you with another woman. Did you have an affair? Are you having an affair?”

  “Oh, Kirsten,” he said, softly. And my bravery was short lived, because immediately as I heard that regretful tone in his voice, I closed my eyes and turned my deaf ear to him so I wouldn’t hear or at least it would be buffered. I was never ever going to forgive him. This man I loved had betrayed us. Our family. Our “we.” And without knowing why, I fell onto my knees and gripped them with my hands. I didn’t hear what he said, and he was against me in a moment, wrapping his arms around me.

  I was bracing myself for all the excuses. I was not going to ever get over this, but I wasn’t hearing anything. David was hugging me. The he cupped my face in his hands and turned it toward him. There were tears in his eyes too. He looked me in the eye.

  “Kirsten, no, never. I did not. I would not. Ever.”

  He wasn’t lying. I knew he was telling the truth. But maybe I was so desperate for this all to be a mistake. Maybe I was desperate for him, for the past. I pushed him off me and stood up. Unsteady, I grabbed onto the fridge.

  “What are you going to tell me that I saw?”

  “You saw me doing
business.”

  “In those luxury lofts? In the middle of the night? With phone calls at all hours? What business?”

  “They’re opening a farmers’ market in the main floor of the loft. It’s one of the selling points of this development. It’ll be an indoor green market six days a week. The woman you saw was Kim. She is the developer’s partner. The market is her project, and she and I were working to get me space in the market.”

  “Space? For what?”

  “For an artisanal organic bakery. I’ve been working on some things. Less volume, higher quality. My dad was letting me experiment, and he actually offered to invest in this space. It would be mine. It would be ours.”

  “Why wouldn’t you tell me about this?” It would be so convenient and wonderful to accept this, but none of it made sense. “Why would you keep something this big—a new business?—from me?”

  “Because—” he said. He sighed. He rubbed his face where his beard had been. He must have missed it too. “I don’t know, K. Part of me wanted to bring you and the kids and surprise you with it when the space was all done. But that didn’t seem very practical. It’s going to be another two months until we get in there. I didn’t know how I was going to keep it from you—I mean, I am doing a lot of the construction on my own—hence all the late nights. That’s why it’s taking so long. You see I wasn’t doing such a good job keeping anything from you.”

  “But why? I mean, why didn’t you want me there with you from the beginning? This could be huge in so many ways for our family. Why did you want to do this on your own?”

  “Because, Kirsten, I didn’t know how to tell you. I thought you would be disappointed.”

  “Why? What do you mean?” I still wasn’t entirely convinced I believed any of this.

  He stood up. He looked at me with stooped shoulders and sad eyes.

  “I’m not who you planned on me being.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You thought you were getting this hotshot sculptor guy. And that’s who I was or that’s who I wanted to be. But we had these kids and I started to feel less and less like that guy. You know, I always resented this life my father had, but he—” his voice cracked—“he was just loving us by making a life for us. An honest life. That man, do you know how well he treats the people he employs? Do you know what a good manager he is? And he isn’t just investing his money in this space. It’s his name, his reputation. For me. Do you know how much it means to me that he believes I can do this? Do you know how bad I want to make my dad proud? I was running away from this for so long that I didn’t realize there were things about it that I loved and could make my own.”

  “That’s so nice,” I said. I was starting to believe him and relief was spreading through me, but I still didn’t understand why he had lied. “Why did you think I would be disappointed?”

  “Because, Kirsten, I know these things, your art, your dreams, they haven’t changed. You’re a mom, you’re life has changed, but all those things, what you wanted, they haven’t. You still want them. I see you struggling with being this children’s photographer, and I know it’s not you. I know it makes you miserable. You make sacrifices. I want you to be able to do what you want and not this stupid moneymaking scheme you are doing to make me happy to pay the bills. You wanted something else. You still do. I’ve changed, but you haven’t. I thought that part of you would be disappointed in me. I’m just another sucker. Not an artist. Not anymore.”

  “David,” I said. “I don’t care who you are or what you want to be. I just want you. I still want you. So much. I love you. I love us. I think this whole thing, I mean, I still can’t believe it wasn’t what I thought. It wasn’t, right?”

  “No,” he said softly, shaking his head. “It wasn’t.”

  And I believed him. I stopped the whole conversation to hug him. We hugged for a long time.

  “It’s not what I thought you were. We can’t live with who we thought we were. We change. We have to. Whatever you want I want for you. For us. This new thing. It’s so exciting. I want to stand beside you. Because—” I felt that gulp in my throat coming again “—I’m proud of you too.”

  There was another hug. This time from him.

  “That,” he said, smiling. “That means the most. But, Kirsten, I really do want you to be fulfilled. I want to provide for you, so you can do what you really want to. I want to stand beside you. I want to be your patron. I believe in your talent. I always have.”

  When he said that I immediately wanted to take him to bed and spend the night showing him all the talents he may have forgotten I had. What he was saying excited me on so many levels, and I still had this overwhelming gratitude that he hadn’t cheated. He was still mine. We were still us.

  “Thank you,” I said. “Thank you so much. I want you to do whatever it is you need too. I want to patron you right back.”

  He smiled. “Actually, I think there is something you can do.”

  “You name it. I’ll do anything.”

  He took a deep breath and then looked down and cursed.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I hope you meant anything.”

  “I did.”

  “Ok then,” he said. He paused and scratched again where the beard had been. “You know the other day, one of the guys at work, Giovanni, his wife in Mexico had a baby and he asked me how many kids I had with my esposa. And I told him. But my dad was there and he pointed out that you were my mujer, but you weren’t actually my epsosa. And Giovanni asked me why and I started to try to explain it to him in my limited Spanish and I realized that even in English, I wasn’t really sure anymore. So, um—”

  He actually got down on one knee.

  “Oh, shit,” I said.

  “I don’t expect you to take my name or anything and I think I’ve already got you as barefoot and pregnant as you are ever going to be. You are my world, my babymama, my everything, but, Kirsten, will you be my esposa?”

  I never ever wanted to be anyone’s “wife” but when he asked me that question, I knew there was only one answer. I wanted to marry him.

  “Yes.” I said. We hugged yet again. This time we kissed.

  And I felt grounded again. I felt the world could still spin.

  Chapter 18

  Claudia Plans to Both Worry and Be Happy

  In the end it was Deanna who helped me save face. It wasn’t right away, though. I had to suffer for a little while. But maybe suffering was the consequence I deserved for breaking the rules.

  At first Deanna and Lucia sat me down in Lucia’s office and gave me the scoop. Neither one of them cracked a smile. It was Lucia who did most of the talking, keeping her voice even and nonjudgmental as she laid out the facts. They knew all about Keith and me. We hadn’t been careful enough. We hadn’t thought about building security. There were cameras everywhere. They had footage of us.

  When Lucia said that, I felt the blood rising up my body into my chest and into my cheeks. My heart began to pound, and I could hear it loudly in my ears. It was deafening. I looked down at the business card holder on Lucia’s desk. I wanted to pick a card up to have something to hold, to have something else to focus on. But I didn’t.

  “What footage?” I asked, quietly. I couldn’t look at them. I pictured myself in those moments with Keith. I felt so violated, so exposed.

  “We can see you in the hallway, going into the master tape closet. We see how long you were in there. “

  “There are no cameras in the tape closet,” Deanna said, understanding what I was asking. I looked up at her gratefully. She wasn’t looking at me, and I realized that she was embarrassed for me. I appreciated that, though I didn’t know if it could help me.

  “We spoke to Keith’s supervisor about his work habits of late. You have also been . . . I guess the best way to put it is a bit remote.”

  Lucia continued and laid out how against company policy what I had done was. It wasn’t the affair. That wasn’t their business because we wer
e in different departments. What had gotten us into trouble was the fact that so much of it happened on company property. That was why I was really in trouble.

  I was going to get the next day, Friday, off and on Monday I would have to wait by the phone at home for someone to call me and let me know if I should come to work. They couldn’t even put my mind at ease on Friday. It had to be this whole head-hanging shameful thing for an entire weekend.

  “If you decide that I don’t get to keep my job, what happens to my stuff? Do I need to go pack up now? I am—” I heard my voice crack, but I wasn’t going to cry at work. “You know, completely blind sighted by this.”

  “We’ll have Jennifer pack everything up for you if that is the case,” Lucia said. This was part of her job. It wasn’t personal for her. I realized that they had told me everything they were going to tell me. The meeting was over. I was dismissed.

  “Ok,” I said. “Thank you.”

  I didn’t want to see Keith. I didn’t want to see anybody. I wondered who knew. Jennifer must have known. Maybe they interviewed her. I wondered how long they knew. It was too much. I had to get out of there and collect my thoughts. What was I going to tell Peter? What was I going to tell my mother?

  This was what she had wanted to protect me from all along. This shame. She must have felt this when my father left her, when she looked around her community and it seemed that she was the only divorced woman. My success was her answer to that. All of that drive was an attempt to erase the shame. Now I understood that.

  On the subway, I planned it all out. I would let Peter pick up the kids because it was his day. I would get up tomorrow as usual and go through the motions of going to work. I wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened until I knew more.

  But I felt so alone. I felt detached from reality. I didn’t know if I could lie anymore. I started to think of Peter. He had never done anything to deserve this. I had presented myself as one thing, only to turn out to be someone else. I thought of all the times we sat and made plans. I had spearheaded all of that. His actions were a reaction to what he thought I expected from him. He was a good father and he was the husband he thought I wanted. And I rewarded that with infidelity.