by Deb Kastner
“I don’t even know what that is.” He raised Grayson to his shoulder and gently patted his back.
“You cannot imagine how fortunate you are,” she said, relief flooding through her. At least they were back on neutral ground. Their banter felt easier, more as it had been when they were younger. “Now, seriously, I’ve considered using something out of a more recent Broadway show, one the kids might be familiar with. Nothing raunchy, of course. Just something cute that the kids can get behind.”
Anything but Phantom. She didn’t say the thought aloud. She didn’t have to. Neither one of them would want to go there, even for a second.
“What about a country song?” he asked and then winced. Talking Broadway musicals was hard enough, but a country music song for the June BBQ...that was the very recipe for disaster, at least for the two of them. No matter which way they scrambled, they were coming up on the sinking sand of their past relationship.
But they had to do something, make a decision on the music, and Cole was right. Country might be the way to go.
“I agree with you on that,” she said. “And it might be our best and safest bet with these kids.” This was about the teenagers, no matter how uncomfortable she and Cole felt. “The only problem is that I couldn’t find any sheet music newer than the late seventies in here. Johnny Cash. Willie Nelson. John Denver.”
“I like John Denver.”
Tessa chuckled. “As do I.”
She appreciated his attempt at levity. At least he was putting a little more effort into helping her now.
“What if we did something like Rascal Flatts?” he suggested. “Do any of the kids know how to play an instrument? They wouldn’t all have to sing. Of course, it’s not critical, since we have Samantha and Slade to play backup in a pinch, or we could just get backup tracks, but it might be a good idea to find out if any of the teens have special skills.”
“I don’t know if any of the teens play instruments, but it will be easy enough to find out. And we should be able to track down some sheet music online.”
“Okay, that sounds like a reasonable plan.” He sounded relieved. “I don’t suppose you have a laptop available.”
She laughed. “No. And even if I did, the community center doesn’t have an internet connection.”
“Cup O’ Jo’s, then. Come on. I’ll drive.” He strapped Grayson back in the car seat and toted him out to his dual-cab truck.
Tessa followed, her thoughts racing almost as fast as her heart. She was confused by all the up-and-down emotions she was experiencing, especially when they were popping as fast as a machine gun. One second Cole was telling her that the whole project was on her, and the next he was leading her to Cup O’ Jo’s, his suggestion commanding but not domineering. Although she didn’t know much about how he’d served his time, she imagined he had been a good leader in the navy.
He had given up what was clearly a promising career for Grayson’s sake. Tessa thought she might only be scratching the surface of the sacrifice Cole had truly made to be with his son, and all under questionable circumstances.
She was beyond curious, and yet she of all people had no right to ask about the particulars. She would have to watch herself or else she’d be blurting out questions that would be uncomfortable for both of them.
Where Cole was concerned, her mouth often ran faster than her thoughts did, and even though she shouldn’t be the one to probe Cole’s personal life, she wasn’t very good at doing what people expected of her. Just ask her father, who’d sent her off to college to get a law degree, only to discover she’d changed her major to psychology. To say he was disappointed was an understatement.
Despite the way certain people—Alexis and Jo, to be precise—had seen fit to throw them together, the Serendipity community at large would no doubt expect her to steer clear of Cole, and he of her.
Now they were about to enter the town hub.
Together. The opposite of what people would expect.
Cue the gossip mill.
* * *
Cole hung his hat on a nearby chair and slid behind one of the computers located along the back wall of Cup O’ Jo’s Café, setting Grayson’s car seat on the floor next to him. The baby had slept on the way over to the café, but now he was awake, staring wide-eyed at Cole and noisily sucking his fist, which Cole knew was a precursor to the wailing that would commence if he didn’t get Grayson a bottle sometime in the next sixty seconds.
“Would you mind?” Cole asked Tessa, gesturing to Grayson and then to the diaper bag. “It’s going to take me a minute to get online and find the sheet music.”
Jo Spencer came by, offering a carafe of fresh, hot coffee and a boisterous welcome that echoed throughout the café. Cole kept his eyes on the screen, refusing to look around and see how their friends and neighbors would be viewing this awkward situation. He dumped two sugar packets into the black liquid, stirred it with a spoon and took a long sip from his mug.
Belatedly, Tessa responded to his question.
“Of course I wouldn’t mind loving on this little sweetheart.” Tessa’s smile and the genuinely delighted gleam in her emerald eyes left Cole in no doubt that she’d been waiting for him to ask.
“There’s a bottle of formula in the side pocket of the diaper bag. I warmed it up before I left the house, so it should be fine for him now.”
“He looks like he eats well,” she said, laughing as Grayson grabbed her fingers and rooted for the bottle.
“Well and often,” Cole replied, his throat tightening around his breath. Tessa was the very picture of the perfect mother cuddling the baby—his baby—in her arms. He swallowed hard to dislodge the feelings overwhelming him. Turning to the computer screen, he opened a browser, training his attention on the website address Tessa had given him. His emotions were riding far too close to the surface and way out of his comfort zone. He needed to keep his mind elsewhere. Anywhere except on Tessa. He was relieved when the site came up, and he rapidly typed the name of the song they’d decided on into the search engine.
“Just wait until Grayson is a teenager.” Tessa’s voice was sweet and soft. “I’ll bet he’ll eat you right out of house and home.”
“I’ll say. I’ve watched the boys at the ranch put away more than three times their weight in food.”
“Comes from peeling a lot of potatoes.”
He chuckled, but when he glanced over the top of the monitor, he realized she was not laughing with him. In fact, her lips were turned down—not in a frown, so much, but as if something had made her sad. And it didn’t take much to guess what that was.
“You know, Red, those boys on the trail ride deserved exactly what they got,” he said. “That was plain-out mean of them to loosen Whitley’s horse’s cinch that way, not to mention the fact that she could have been seriously hurt. Hard to believe they didn’t even think about the possible consequences.”
“In my experience, teenagers rarely think things through to their logical ends. They don’t have a mature view of their own futures, much less anyone else’s. I doubt the boys wanted to see Whitley physically injured, but they had every intention of humiliating her. They have absolutely no conception that their teasing might hurt Whitley ten times worse than if they slapped her in the face.”
Cole narrowed his gaze on Tessa. She sounded as if she spoke from experience. But she’d been well liked in high school, at least in Serendipity. In fact, she’d been a novelty—a pretty new girl coming into her senior year with a class who’d virtually grown up together. She’d had guys falling all over themselves for a date with her.
Even him. Especially him. He’d done something downright crazy to get her attention. Something that was coming back to haunt him now with this whole musical number nonsense. Ironically enough, his actions back then had worked. He’d gotten the girl. For a time.
There he went again, drifting off into the past. He forced his mind away from those thoughts. Again.
“You really care about these teenagers, don’t you?”
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” She shook her head and sniffed. “I’d probably be living some miserable existence in an urban law firm if my dad had anything to say about it. I can’t even imagine how awful that would be. I’ve never cared for city living. Give me Serendipity any day of the week.”
“Right.” He remembered the part about her dad pressuring her to attend college for prelaw. Tessa had never been keen on that idea. Counseling impressionable young ladies was much more up her alley. “So you went to college with the intention of fulfilling your father’s wishes. I know the idea of that career didn’t set well with you. But I’m curious. Why did you change your major to psychology?”
“Because I thought I could make a difference as a counselor.”
“You do make a difference.”
She raised Grayson to her shoulder to burp him and shifted her gaze somewhere over Cole’s right shoulder. “Sometimes I do. Sometimes not so much.”
He was confused. “Are we still talking about Whitley here?”
“Yes. And no. There was a reason I overreacted when the boys picked on her.”
“What?”
“Not long ago, there was a girl I was counseling named Savannah. When she first came to one of our Mission Months, she was super quiet and introverted. She’d been convicted for possession of illegal drugs, and I think part of that was her way of avoiding all the bad stuff going down in her life. Everyone at the ranch teased her, boys and girls alike. But somewhere during the month, she earned their respect. She really turned herself around. I was so proud of her, almost as if she were my own daughter. I don’t know. Maybe I got too close. My professors in college warned me about getting personal. But how could I not? Especially with Savannah. We shared a special bond. By the time the month ended I thought—I hoped—life would go better for her.”
“It didn’t?”
Tessa’s gaze returned to his, and the pain in the glassy depths of her eyes would have knocked him down if he hadn’t already been sitting. She was reliving the events as she shared them with him, and it was breaking her heart.
Without thinking, he reached out and brushed his fingers across the soft skin of her cheek, reassuring her with his touch. When her eyes widened, he immediately pulled back. The distance suddenly stretched between them like an impenetrable gap. He clasped his hands tightly in his lap.
“I try to check up on all my girls from time to time after they’ve left the ranch. Find out how they’re faring. See if there’s anything I can do for them. Most of the time the news is encouraging.”
“And Savannah?”
“Not good. She got pregnant. I was stunned by the news. It must have happened right after she returned home.”
It was as if a shiv had gouged Cole’s heart. This story was hitting way too close to home, to the circumstances surrounding his own life in relation to how Grayson was conceived. It was difficult to sit and listen. But Tessa clearly needed to talk about her, so he encouraged her to continue.
“That’s a shame. I’m sorry she’s had it so tough.”
“Savannah’s own mother turned her out of the house when she found out.”
“She threw her pregnant daughter out of her house?” Cole was appalled and angry. “That’s awful. I can’t imagine a mother who would be so callous and uncaring.” Actually, he could. Nora, Grayson’s mother, was such a woman. But this wasn’t about him. “What did Savannah do?”
Tessa shook her head. A single tear rolled down her cheek and Cole couldn’t help but reach for her once more. He brushed the tear away with the pad of his thumb, telling himself it was because her hands were full, holding his son. But really, there was so much more to it than that. His connection to Tessa went far beyond words. Her heart was breaking for this teenager Savannah, and because Tessa was hurting, so was Cole.
“The last I heard, she was living on the streets. I suspect perhaps she went back to using drugs. I don’t know for sure. And I never heard what happened to the baby. It makes me sick just to think about it. I can hardly look at an infant now without—” She seemed to realize what she was about to say and paused, shaking her head. She pressed a slow, gentle kiss to Grayson’s forehead.
“I’m so sorry,” Cole said, but he knew his words were not nearly enough. Past or no past, he wanted to pull Tessa to her feet and wrap his arms around her, protect her from all the emotions she was drowning in. He probably would have acted on the urge, except she was holding Grayson, making an embrace less than ideal. Also, they were currently in the middle of the most public arena in Serendipity. There would be far too many curious stares and no stopping the gossip that would follow.
And anyway, who knew if she’d even accept his consolation? He could see she’d walked the plank in this teenager’s place, shouldering the blame for what had happened to the young lady. And he could do nothing to change that or make it better for her. He wasn’t good at using words, but he felt helpless to do any more than that.
“You couldn’t possibly have predicted what was going to happen.”
“No, I know that. In my head, I know. My heart is slow to follow. And it haunts me, the not knowing.”
“I’m really sorry for that young lady, and I’ll keep her in my prayers. That’s not right, a mother tossing her daughter to the curb, especially when Savannah needed her the most. Parents ought to love their children despite their faults.”
“I know, but Savannah’s mother was never a great role model to her. In fact, I suspect that’s where Savannah first got her drugs. From her mom. I don’t think the woman was capable of being a real parent to her daughter.”
“Savannah’s father?”
“Out of the picture. Savannah never knew him.”
“And the father of Savannah’s baby? Where was he in all this?”
Tessa shrugged and Grayson gurgled in response. Her gaze dropped to the infant and she took a moment to console him. At length, she answered Cole’s question, her voice a choked whisper. “Who knows where that young man got off to? He probably just didn’t want to deal with the responsibility. It’s easy enough for a man to walk away.”
Cole nearly stood in surprise.
Tessa gasped and her eyes widened. “I’m so sorry. That was careless of me to say.”
Cole wanted to punch a hole through the wall, but not because of what Tessa had said. It was the thought of some kid getting Savannah pregnant and then just walking out on her, leaving her to deal with the problem. He just barely restrained himself from lashing out, and then only because Tessa was staring at him with a concerned expression.
He fisted one hand in the material of his shirt, low enough on his belly that Tessa couldn’t see his response. The last thing he wanted to do was distress her any more, or Grayson, either, for that matter.
“This isn’t a question of what’s easy,” Cole growled, trying and failing to keep his voice even. “That young man should be shot for walking away from his responsibilities.”
Their gazes met and held.
“Not every man has your strength of character. Or your sense of honor.”
Cole grit his teeth until his jaw ached. “There is nothing honorable about the way I’ve behaved.”
“With Grayson, you mean? I beg to differ.”
He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.
“Did you love her?” Her words came out as barely a whisper. “You wouldn’t be the first man to sow his wild oats, and we all make mistakes. I’m not here to judge you.”
He scowled. “Tessa, I got a woman pregnant in a one-night stand.” He was ashamed to admit he had violated his own moral code, everything the good Lord and his mama had taught h
im.
“Oh.” She looked stricken.
He didn’t know how she’d imagined it had gone down between him and Grayson’s mother, but she’d been giving him a great deal more credit than he deserved. Maybe now she would see the truth about him. He wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to talk to him again after this, but he was going to tell her the truth, even if it hurt.
“I didn’t even know the woman’s name. Not until much later—when I learned she was pregnant with my child.”
Tessa gaped at him for a moment but then seemed to recover her wits. “I know I said it before, Cole, but it’s worth repeating. I’m in no place to judge. I’ve made my own share of mistakes.”
“Thank you for that. I hold myself accountable, and there is no excuse for my actions that night. I had too much to drink, and I blacked out. I don’t really know all the details. What I do know is that I woke up in a stranger’s bed. And then to make matters worse, I sneaked out of her apartment before she woke up. I just couldn’t believe I’d done something so stupid.” He paused. “But if it makes any difference to you, I’d never done anything like that before. Or since. There were...extenuating circumstances.”
He didn’t elaborate. He couldn’t. The fact was that he had been on his first night of shore leave in a long while in one of his buddies’ hometowns. He wasn’t a regular drinker. His friends had insisted they go to a bar, and he’d accompanied them as the designated driver. Mostly he’d gone with them because he didn’t want to be left all alone on the first Saturday night of June, the anniversary of the night he’d proposed to Tessa. The night she’d rejected him in front of the whole town. It was just too difficult. Too dark. Too many memories.
He’d been trying to escape those memories. But when they’d arrived at the bar his friends had picked out, he’d encountered something his heart and mind hadn’t been ready for. The singing group playing that night was Tessa’s favorite, the same one Cole had hired to surprise Tessa for his very public proposal.