by Deb Kastner
To his everlasting shame, he had reached for his first drink and didn’t know when he’d stopped—only that somewhere along the way, he’d picked up a woman and ended up spending the night at her place.
And as a consequence, he’d become a father.
There was a big chunk of that story he wasn’t willing to share with Tessa. Not now. Probably not ever.
“Did you have to resign from the navy because of Grayson?”
“Resign? No.” He shook his head. “But it would have been complicated. I would have had to have found a permanent caregiver for him, maybe even sign over custody rights. I wasn’t willing to do that. Had I remained enlisted, I knew I would have missed out on milestones. You know better than most how it feels to be a military kid, moving from place to place with no real sense of permanence. I couldn’t do that to Grayson, or to myself, for that matter, especially since I didn’t have his mother’s support.”
She eyed him for a moment, looking as if she wanted to speak, but then she closed her mouth and turned her gaze away.
“You were about to say something. What is it?”
“It’s nothing, really. I was just thinking about the conversation we had about our relationship when we were teenagers. We were both self-centered and self-absorbed. Unable to see past our own wants and desires, our own little unrealistic, pie-in-the-sky world. How could we have known it was pure fantasy? Life is a far cry from the dreams we imagined.”
She was right. He’d proposed to her without giving a second thought to how his enlistment would affect her and any children they might have had. He hadn’t even been thinking about children, except in some abstract house-with-a-white-picket-fence-and-a-dog kind of way.
And Tessa?
He hadn’t given her hopes and dreams the consideration they had deserved. He now realized he hadn’t even known what she’d really wanted out of life. If they’d married right after high school, she might never have been able to attend college to get her psychology degree when there was always the possibility they’d have to move again as the navy dictated, and that was to say nothing of the difficulties she would have encountered trying to build any kind of career. No wonder she’d balked.
“I’m so appreciative of what military families sacrifice on our behalf,” she said. “But I knew I didn’t have it in me to be that noble.”
He’d been thinking along those very same lines. Until Grayson came along, he hadn’t realized what the men and women he served with were giving up for the sake of their country. He’d been a single man with relatively few ties. Many of his friends in the navy were married and had families waiting at the port for them.
“I feel like I should’ve cut my dad a little more slack,” she continued. “I never really thought about how hard it must have been for him, raising a daughter single-handedly while his wife was deployed. It couldn’t have been easy on him. He was practically a single father. And then after Mom died, he was.”
“No, you’re right. That couldn’t have been easy.”
“But hey, I turned out okay, right? Not a complete social misfit?”
“Well...” he teased, but then his heart grew heavy as his thoughts progressed to their logical conclusion. “Honestly, I have to admit that I’ve wondered about that. Worried about it, actually. A lot.”
“What? That I’ll end up in a loony bin?” Her tone was still mild and humorous.
“No. Although there is that.” He winked at her, trying to lighten the moment, but his thoughts were weighty. “I mean about Grayson. Did I really do the right thing for him by keeping him with me?”
“I don’t understand. How could keeping him with you not be right?”
“After all the shameful things I’ve done, God turned around and gave me an enormous blessing in Grayson. I don’t deserve him. But tell me the truth, Tessa. Am I being selfish to want to be a father to him? Would he be better off had I allowed him to be adopted into a family with both a mother and a father?”
“No.” Her answer was so quick and definitive that it relieved some of the burden he had been bearing alone until this moment. “He is exactly where he ought to be—with the father who loves him. You can’t believe anything else, Cole. There is no one in the world who could possibly care for Grayson the way you do.”
He slicked a hand over his hair, but it fell right back down over his forehead. “You’re probably right. I’m psyching myself out, aren’t I?”
“Of course I’m right. And yes, you are.”
“I can’t help but think about it sometimes. I always thought I would do things in the right order. Have a wife before I had a kid. There are things a woman can give a child that a man never can. My mama taught me all kinds of things a man ought to learn from his mother—not that I always listened to her. But who is going to do that for Grayson?”
“You will, for starters. And others will pick up the slack. It is what it is, Cole. If Grayson’s mother doesn’t want custody, then she doesn’t. I’ll admit it’s less common to find a single father in your position, but there are plenty of single mothers out there raising sons and daughters on their own, not only living but thriving. You’ve got a good heart. Grayson is fortunate to have you as his daddy. Grayson also has his aunts Vee and Mary to spoil him rotten. I hope you’ll consider me your friend. I would be honored to be a part of Grayson’s life. And,” she said, nodding toward the front of the café, where Jo Spencer was vigorously welcoming new guests, “I think Grayson is going to have all the female attention he can handle in this town. He’ll have mother figures galore. He’ll probably get fat from all the cookies they’ll feed him.”
Cole smiled. That much was certainly true. Grayson was already popular around town, and Cole and his father had received more casseroles in the past week than they could eat in a month. There was no shortage of well-meaning neighbors in Serendipity.
But as for a mother figure—Cole couldn’t help but see what was right in front of his eyes.
Tessa—holding Grayson in her arms as if he belonged there. In some way, Cole couldn’t help but think that he did.
Chapter Six
Cole was looking at her funny, as if she’d sprouted horns or something.
“What’s wrong?”
“I—uh—nothing. I—” he stammered, tunneling his fingers through his hair. “I’ve got to go.”
“O-kay,” she said, drawing out the word. What was with the sudden change in his demeanor? “What about the music? Did you find it on the website? Did we even decide on anything definitively?”
“I pulled up the song we were talking about using. I really don’t care one way or another if you pick that or something else.”
He reached for Grayson, practically snatching him away from her. Her shoulders tightened. It felt as if she’d done something to upset him, and she backpedaled in her thoughts, trying to figure out what that might have been.
“I thought we were working together on this.” Surely he would stay and figure out the details of their project, even if he wouldn’t share whatever else was bothering him.
He looked around as if he was ready to bolt. But she was not ready for him to leave yet. For the first time since Cole had returned to Serendipity, they’d made real progress, had a conversation that wasn’t laden with all the tension of their previous exchanges. At least for a while, it had been better between them.
And now it was as if he’d closed down. Slammed his mask back into place. Withdrawn from her, and she didn’t know why. The ache she’d been carrying around in her chest for years returned. Expanded.
“Look, I don’t care what you do,” he said, his voice distant. Chilled. “If you want me to pay for the downloads, just let me know how much and I’ll reimburse you.”
“Cole, no one is asking you to pay for anything.” Why would he even think that? She almost felt as i
f he was saying that just to take a jab at her. She knew her frustration was showing, but really, what did he expect? “This is work-related. We’re supposed to be collaborating on the teens’ performance. My ideas and your ideas.”
The whole afternoon had turned around three hundred sixty degrees. They were right back where they’d started, only now Tessa was more stymied than ever.
They’d had a major breakthrough in their professional relationship on that trail ride. For a while there, she’d begun to think they might be able to work together comfortably, or at least call a truce.
Today things had been different between them. A big improvement.
Until it had started getting personal. She should have known better. She should have pulled back instead of delving forward into subjects that would be difficult for both of them. It was probably more uncomfortable for Cole than it had been for her. She’d been happy to get her feelings out in the open. Clearly the same couldn’t be said of him.
“We have to have the music ready if we’re going to get together with the teens and hash these things out. We’ve got only a little over a week to teach them the music and add any choreography to it.”
“Fine. I’ll tell you what. You text me when and where you want to meet with the teenagers, and I’ll be there.”
“Fine,” she echoed, trying not to succumb to the hurt. The anger. They were bickering like a couple of old hens, and if they weren’t careful, they would start drawing interest from the people around them. Maybe they already were. She furtively glanced around her. Thankfully, none of the other patrons in Cup O’ Jo’s appeared to have overheard their little—what was it? A quarrel? Over what?
Cole buckled Grayson into his car seat and grabbed his hat from the back of the chair where he’d slung it. “Later, then.”
“Right. Later.” She breathed out heavily, giving in to the anger rising in her chest. She wasn’t mad, exactly. It was more that she was indignant about the whole encounter. If he was trying to hurt her feelings on purpose, he was succeeding. She wasn’t going to hold him back if he wanted to leave. Good riddance to him. If he didn’t want to collaborate with her on this project with the teenagers, then so be it. She would do it herself. She hadn’t needed his help before, and she didn’t need it now.
Swallowing her disappointment, she slid around to the other side of the table and checked the computer monitor. It was going to be difficult for her to think about music right now. Or teenagers.
Or Cole.
She finished purchasing the music they’d discussed and downloaded it onto a flash drive. Though Cup O’ Jo’s offered a free printer for the customers’ use, Tessa figured she’d rather print her copies at home. She was in no mood to be in public right now, especially not when she was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Tears burned in her eyes, and she wasn’t sure how long she could keep them from falling.
She didn’t cry when she was hurt. She cried when she was angry. Right now she was hurt and angry—at Cole, yes, but mostly at herself.
How had she let Cole affect her this way? Wasn’t she beyond this?
She was gathering her purse to leave when Jo plopped into the seat she’d vacated. Jo was smiling. She was always smiling. But concern and empathy poured from her gaze.
Tessa sighed and leaned back in her seat.
Perfect.
She really didn’t want company right now, especially in the form of Jo Spencer. The woman was far too intuitive, and Tessa didn’t want to talk about what was bothering her.
“I saw Cole leave,” Jo said, never one to mince words. “He looked like he was in a bit of a hurry. Did something happen between the two of you?”
“Which something?” Tessa asked, frowning.
“That bad, huh? I’ve been praying for the two of you. I know it can’t be easy, finding out that your present circumstances depend on working through your past.”
Tessa gasped softly and shook her head. “We’re not working through our past. We’re just trying to figure out how to work together now.”
“How’s that going for you?” From anyone else, the question would have sounded cynical, but with Jo it was 100 percent heartfelt.
Tessa ran a hand over her hair, smoothing the inevitable frizz. “It’s not. That project you and Alexis suggested we work on together? The musical number with the teenagers? That’s not happening. He bowed out, and none too graciously at that.”
“Ah, well. I was hoping, dear, for both of your sakes, that the endeavor would be a good thing. I saw your heads together after you first arrived and thought there might have been a breakthrough.”
“So did I,” Tessa admitted, swallowing the bile that rose in her throat. “We’re both adults now. You’d think we could act like it, at least enough to work together without bickering like a couple of children.”
“He certainly lit out of here like his tail was on fire.”
“Right? And the weird thing is, up until that moment, we were getting along. We were collaborating. And then suddenly we weren’t. He went from warm to cold in a matter of seconds, and I don’t know why.”
“Who can say what is what where a man’s mind is concerned?” Jo said with a short laugh.
Tessa groaned. “Tell me about it.”
“In Cole’s defense, he’s dealing with a lot right now. Finding out he was going to be a father. Taking custody of his son. Learning how to be a dad.”
Tessa nodded. Jo was right. She couldn’t really blame Cole for being a little short with her. Okay, maybe he’d been more than a little short. But he’d admitted to having long nights with Grayson. Tessa wasn’t sure she’d hold up so well under the circumstances, working in the daytime and taking care of a baby at night.
“My advice to you, my dear, is to cut him some slack.”
“I will. I’m not going to push him on the idea of working together on this project when it’s clear he doesn’t want to do it.”
Jo’s blue eyes brightened, and her curls bobbed as she shook her head. “That wasn’t what I said, dear. Don’t be so quick to be puttin’ those thoughts in his mind. He wants to work with you. He just doesn’t know it yet. Men sometimes have to take the long way around workin’ stuff out in their heads. Give him some time—and space—and just see if he don’t come chasin’ after you.”
Tessa didn’t want Cole chasing after her. She just wanted him to do his job and help her plan the program. Didn’t she?
“Promise me you won’t give up on the man,” Jo urged, reaching across the table to squeeze Tessa’s elbow.
Tessa sighed. She didn’t know what difference it would make whether or not she gave up on Cole, since he had clearly given up on her. No—more than that. He was antagonistic toward her. Maybe not always, but enough for her to get the message, loud and clear. Nothing she said or did was going to change how he felt about her. She didn’t have Jo’s confidence that Cole would capitulate on the musical project, or anything else, for that matter. But she had few other options at the moment, and Jo was waiting for her response.
She took a deep breath and plunged in. “Okay, Jo. If you say so. I promise you I won’t give up on Cole.”
Jo nodded vigorously, her smile beaming like the morning sunshine. “I’m happy to hear it, dear. Happy to hear it. ’Cause God’s got a lot in store for the two of you. Mark my words. You just see if He doesn’t.”
* * *
Nothing helped Cole’s nerves calm down quite like a long ride on Checkers. Something about being in the saddle, enjoying the familiar, soothing rock and sway of his horse’s canter, the fresh air and the sweet swishing sound of Checkers’s hooves against the Texas prairie settled his soul in a way few other things did.
Gave him time to reflect. Figure out his next move.
Only today, tranquility eluded him. The harder he chased peace, the fart
her away it seemed.
Since he’d returned to Serendipity, it seemed as if every time he turned around, he was stepping into quicksand. His head and his heart were sinking fast, and the more he struggled, the worse it became.
He was man enough to admit he owed Tessa an apology, if not an explanation, for the way he’d stormed off. She hadn’t deserved the cold shoulder he’d given her, especially after the conversation they’d had. They weren’t teenagers anymore, and he’d acted like an immature idiot.
But maybe that was the whole point. They weren’t youngsters. Time, life and experience had chipped away at them both, molding them into the people they were now. A man and a woman who were mere shadows of the youngsters they once were.
When he’d seen Tessa cuddling Grayson in the crook of her arm, as sweet and natural a mother as there’d ever been, he’d panicked. The past and the present had collided like a train wreck. He’d remembered how desperately he’d wanted to have a family with Tessa, even if it had been in his immaturity, and that had segued into—what?
He supposed it was the fact that they couldn’t go back, and it wasn’t as if they could move forward with any kind of personal relationship. At this point he was questioning the wisdom of trying to maintain a professional one.
They couldn’t even be in the same room with each other without something happening, some thought or memory popping up out of nowhere and exploding around them. He was walking through an emotional minefield. He’d almost kissed her!
The best thing he could do was to shove all those feelings deep inside and do whatever was necessary to make his transition back to Serendipity a success, if not for his own sanity, then at least for Grayson’s sake. The baby didn’t deserve a father who became distracted every time a certain redhead walked by. If his job involved working with Tessa, so be it. He needed to deal.
He had enough on his plate adjusting to this new position at Redemption Ranch—this whole mentoring business and working with the teenagers. He couldn’t imagine how anyone could come to the conclusion that he’d be a good example for impressionable kids, but Alexis and Griff had. And Tessa had.