by Lacey London
Lianna actually seemed quite annoyed when I suggested a night in at mine, which is weird as normally we can’t get rid of her. Now that I think of it, we haven’t seen much of Lianna lately. The most communication we have had is the odd text message here and there. I think the novelty of having a baby to play with has finally worn off as all she seems interested in doing is drinking and dancing. Snuggling into Oliver’s chest, I stroke his arm and smile as I notice that he is watching Noah.
‘So, this whole dad thing, is it everything you thought it would be?’ I ask, peeking up at him through my curls.
Oliver’s face breaks into a smile as he tears his eyes away from Noah. ‘No.’
‘No?’ I feel my heart jump into my mouth and sit bolt upright. ‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s more than I thought it would be. Way more.’ He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. ‘Before the little guy came along, I always knew that I wanted children, but I never really knew why.’ He strokes his fingers along my spine as I stretch out my legs on the soft sheets. ‘When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is Noah. How is he? Does he need anything? Is he hungry? Is he cold?’
I nod in agreement and feel a flutter of happiness in the pit of my stomach he continues talking.
‘He completes me. Well, you completed me, but Noah is the final piece of the puzzle, you know what I mean?’
My pulse races as a surge of happy endorphins rush through my body. How lucky am I? Most people struggle to fall in love once in a lifetime and yet here I am, besotted with two beautiful boys at the same time. I reach up and pull him down for a kiss, my nose rubbing against his like a pair of loved up Eskimos.
‘I know exactly what you mean…’
Having a baby is like falling in love again, both with your husband and your child.
Chapter 11
‘Are you sure that you will be OK?’ I bite my lip nervously and shoot Oliver a worried look. ‘We can always turn back. Just say the word and I can cancel.’
‘Clara!’ Oliver entwines his fingers with mine as we race along the motorway. ‘We will be fine!’
Ever since we left the house, I have had a growing feeling of dread in the pit of my very empty stomach. This is an awful feeling. It’s like that sensation you get when you think you’ve forgotten something but can’t quite remember what. Only this time I know exactly what I have left behind, Noah. Trying to ignore it, I pull out my compact mirror and top up my lipstick. I suppose we are nearly there now and Lianna would be terribly upset if I were to cancel last minute. Deciding to suck it up and go for it, I take a deep breath and adjust my hair as we pull up outside a new Italian restaurant.
‘Go have fun. I promise everything will be OK.’ Oliver stares at me intently and I suddenly feel a little guilty at hesitating when he is being so kind.
Smiling in response, I give him a lingering kiss on the lips before climbing out of the car. Trust me to put a negative spin on what is meant to be a lovely night. Waving him goodbye, I fight the overwhelming urge to chase after him. When I was heavily pregnant I would have given a leg in exchange for a night out and a fancy meal. What has happened to me?
Tucking a stray curl behind my ear, I clutch my new bag tightly and head inside. After months of wearing nothing more than elasticated pants, skinny jeans feel extremely strange. Trying not to waddle as the denim clings to my saddle bags, I push open the door and scan the room for Lianna. Her platinum blonde locks and ridiculous height usually make her easy enough to spot in a crowd. Thankfully I don’t have to look for long as I hear her familiar cackle coming from the bar area. No surprise there.
Perched on a stool in a stunning black peplum dress she is happily lapping up the barman’s attention. For someone who swore off men just a few months ago she has certainly been enjoying the male attention recently. Raising my hand acknowledgement, I squeeze my way through the crowds of people and try not to stare at a rather old couple doing a Lady and the Tramp with a piece of spaghetti.
‘Hi! Sorry I’m a little late, the traffic was a nightmare.’ This isn’t technically true. The truth is that it took me twenty minutes of counselling from my mother to convince me that Noah wouldn’t die in the two hours that I would be away from him.
I hold out my arms for a hug, but Li holds up a finger to silence me whilst she laughs loudly at the barman’s lame joke. Feeling a little like the third wheel, I stand awkwardly next to them as they giggle like a pair of hormonal teenagers. Finally, Lianna puts down her glass of fizz and spins around to face me.
‘Sorry, Clara!’
‘Wow…’ Li’s appearance actually takes my breath away. ‘You look… incredible!’
To be honest, I almost didn’t recognise her. Her skin looks as smooth as silk and I don’t know what she has done with her makeup, but her cheekbones are like razor blades. If that is the work of contouring, then it is safe to say that I have been doing it all wrong.
‘I know!’ She claps her hands together excitedly and pulls out a card. ‘I had a chemical peel!’
‘A chemical peel?’ I turn the card over in my hands and look at her in bewilderment. ‘Why?’
‘Why not?’ She laughs loudly and pulls out a bar stool for me to sit down. ‘I also got Botox.’
Botox? My nose wrinkles in confusion. Why the hell has she had Botox?
‘Wes, can you get Clara a glass of fizz, please?’ Lianna smiles at the barman and flicks her hair over her shoulder.
‘Oh, no. Just a Diet Coke.’ I mumble, slightly embarrassed. ‘I’m not actually drinking tonight.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous! I haven’t had a drink with my best friend in nine whole months!’ Lianna waves her glass around and I can tell that she has had more than just the one. ‘You’re having one whether you like it or not.’
With Wes leaning over the counter, I feel a little uncomfortable admitting that I can’t drink because I’m breastfeeding.
‘Honestly, I’ll just have a Diet Coke.’
Li rolls her eyes before conceding to the fact that she will be drinking alone. After a long staring match, Wes eventually manages to tear himself away from a lusting Lianna. Feeling a little nauseous at their public display of affection, I screw my nose up as he saunters away, looking over his shoulder and shooting her a wink as she goes. Oh, please!
‘Isn’t he gorgeous!’ Lianna spins around and I can practically see love hearts floating around her head.
I glance over to where Wes is standing and try to think of a suitable response. With a shaved head, tattoos on his neck and muscles ripping out of his obviously too small shirt, he isn’t exactly what I would call my type. He catches the pair of us staring and sticks out a tongue that is pierced with a neon green bar. Nice. Returning with an ice cold glass, he places it down in front of me and resists my efforts to pay.
‘This one’s on me.’ He pushes the note back across the worktop and turns to Lianna. ‘I’ve gotta go finish my shift, can I get your number and I’ll call you later?’
Li smiles coyly and dives into her Vivienne Westwood handbag, producing a bright blue business card. Placing it into his hand, she slides out of her seat and sashays across the room, leaving me behind like a lost child in a supermarket. Not knowing what else to do, I grab my Diet Coke and run after her. Taking a seat at an empty table, she beckons over the waiter as I shake off my coat.
‘Isn’t Wes great?’ She sighs, running a finger along the rim of her glass. ‘Eve and I had such a laugh with him last week.’
‘Really?’ I can’t imagine that Eve would even entertain a tattooed meat head like Wes.
‘Yes. We had a meeting here to go over design ideas for their villas. He made us laugh all night long.’ Leaning back in her seat, she removes her clip and shakes out her hair. ‘Can you believe they are flying me out to Barbados? How crazy is that?’
‘Very crazy.’ I reply, telling myself not to feel jealous.
Draining her glass, she digs out her phone and brings up images of white sandy be
aches and azure blue waters. For a moment my heart aches with longing, it has been forever since I was in a hot and sunny country.
‘Hey, why don’t you join us?’ She bangs her hand down on the table and lets out a squeal. ‘You’ve always wanted to visit Barbados!’
‘Lianna.’ I laugh quietly and bite my lip. ‘I can’t come with you.’
‘Why not?’ She demands. ‘You’re not working anymore.’
‘I’m not working because in case you have forgotten, I gave birth to a baby not long ago. Small, cute, goes by the name, Noah?’
She stares at me blankly for a moment. ‘Can’t Oliver look after him?’
‘No!’ I yell, a little too loudly. ‘I’m breastfeeding and besides, I wouldn’t want to leave him.’
‘Oh…’ Li looks at me like I’ve gone crazy and flips open her menu.
Sensing her disappointment, I decide to change the subject and try to get the evening back on track.
‘So, Eve tells me that you’ve been spending a lot of time together?’ My voice is airy, but to be honest, I can’t really be bothered making the effort. I just want to be back at home with Noah.
‘We have.’ She confirms with a smile. ‘Get this, once I have finished with the holiday homes, Eve wants me to design a room for the puppies.’
I splutter on my drink and attempt a cough to cover it up. A personally designed room for five spoilt Pomeranians is the most Eve thing I have ever heard. ‘That sounds like something she would do.’
‘She wants to go for pink, but Owen thinks it will give them a complex.’ Pulling out a pair of reading glasses, she taps her fingers on the table and studies her menu.
I smile in response and place my order with the waiter who has been patiently hovering by our table for the past ten minutes. Praying that they bring out our starters quickly, I glance down at my watch and wonder what Noah is doing right now. I really hope the three of them are all right. I know what you are thinking, I’m not the first woman in the world to have a baby and I most certainly won’t be the last. I am aware that I’m being overprotective, but I really didn’t expect to feel so wounded at not being with him.
‘What’s wrong?’ Li asks, sensing my uneasiness and reaching across the table. ‘You look worried.’
‘Nothing!’ I reply, stretching my mouth into a smile. ‘How’s Periwinkle going? You know, Eve and Owen aside.’
‘It’s going great! Honestly, I never expected it to take off this quickly.’ She applies some lip balm and smacks her lips together. ‘We’re going to have to take more people on. Lexi is interviewing candidates next week.’
‘Wow!’ I gush. ‘I’m so happy for you, Li. It’s incredible what you have done with the business.’
‘I know!’ She squeals, her eyes glistening. ‘Did I tell you that I did an interview with Luxe Design magazine last week?’
‘No!’ I fire back, twisting my wedding band around my finger. ‘That’s fantastic!’
‘The editor invited me to a launch party this weekend if you want to come with me? You never know who might be there. Plus, you get goody bags!’
‘I would love to, but…’
‘But you have Noah.’ She finishes the sentence for me and holds her hands up. ‘Sorry, I keep forgetting that you’re a mummy now! Maybe I’ll ask Eve. She goes to things like this all the time.’
‘That’s great. I’m sure she’d love to go.’ I mumble, discreetly taking a glance at my watch.
As Lianna fills me in on all of the exciting events she has planned, flustered waitresses fly past with plates of yummy food. From radio interviews to gala dinners in London, it seems that she really is flying high. Just as I am starting to get lost in the conversation, I spot the infamous Wes prowling over to our table. Biting my lip to stop myself from asking him why he is shopping in the kid’s section, I stir my drink with a straw and avoid eye contact.
‘I thought you ladies could do with a refill.’ Placing a bottle of bubbles on the table, he flashes Lianna a wink and the call me sign before making his way back behind the bar.
I am about to laugh at his cheesiness when I notice Li looking at the bottle like it is a pot of pure gold. Rolling my eyes, I remove my phone from the table as the waiter returns with our garlic bread. Leaving her to drool over the creepy barman, I dive into the greasy, garlicky goodness and swoon at the taste. Although I am sad at leaving Noah, I really have missed going out for dinner. Neither Oliver or myself are any good in the kitchen and after a while, grilled cheese sandwiches can become a little mundane.
Feeling a little less grouchy now that I have some food inside me, I lean back in my seat and scan my surroundings. This really is a nice place. A little loud maybe for a Thursday, but I can definitely see why Eve and Li like it here. It’s the kind of place that you’d think served tiny portions of food at extortionate prices. Whereas in fact the portions are quite reasonable and the prices, well, the prices are fairly ridiculous but you get what you pay for, don’t you?
‘This is so good.’ Lianna mumbles through a mouthful of bread.
I nod in agreement and reach for my drink. Watching Lianna dive into the dough balls and get a dollop of stringy cheese on her chin, I realise just how much I have missed my best friend. Not seeing her everyday has taken quite a bit of getting used to and with Marc gone, I have felt a little lonely. To be fair, Gwen and her friends have welcomed me with open arms, so it isn’t like I have been totally friendless. It’s just that my old friends know me inside out. Li and Marc know very well that I am lazy, drink too much and under the influence can have very questionable morals, but they love me anyway. I don’t need to pretend to be the perfect wife or mother when I am with them as they know very well that I’m not. Just like I know that Marc can be an asshole and Lianna is liability, but it just makes me love them more.
‘Hey, I’m going to my friend’s baby party on Friday if you want to come along? It won’t be wild or anything like that, but it could be fun.’ I put down my cutlery and wait for her response.
She chews thoughtfully for a moment before replying. ‘Yeah, OK. I’m supposed to be coming down to see Eve that afternoon anyway. I’ve got some paint samples to show her.’
‘Great!’ I exclaim happily. ‘Plus, you can hang out with Noah for a bit. It’s been a while since you last saw him.’
‘How is the little rug rat? Did Oliver drop the whole Ernie thing?’
‘Actually, he has. I’m so relieved as we are going to register the birth tomorrow and I don’t want any arguments.’
Li smiles and licks tomato sauce from her fingers. ‘You are doing so well at the whole mothering thing, Clara. It really suits you. I can’t believe that you’ve taken to it so well.’
‘You really think so?’ I feel a swell of pride as my cheeks turn pink.
‘I do, it’s clear to see that you’re a natural. It’s amazing to think that you are the same girl who used to stumble home at 3am with a chicken kebab.’
‘I guess people change.’ I sit back in my seat and study her face. ‘Do you think that you will have children one day?’
Lianna shrugs her shoulders and pours herself another glass of fizz. ‘I don’t know. I like my life the way it is.’ She spins around and gives Wes a little wave. ‘It may sound selfish, but looking after number one is something I’ve only just discovered and right now, I wouldn’t change it for the world.’
I catch her eye and smile knowingly. Li will have children one day, I know it. Maybe not next year or even the year after, but one day she will be blessed with the most wonderful gift that you can ever have. A gift that you will never understand or appreciate until it happens to you. I know I didn’t, but now that I have Noah, I wouldn’t have my life any other way…
I didn’t lose myself when I became a mother…
I found myself.
Chapter 12
‘Did you hear that, Clara?’ Oliver’s happy voice hits me like a bullet and I really hope this doesn’t mean what I think it means.
/> ‘I did.’ I fix a smile to my face and tuck Noah into his car seat. ‘That’s great news. Really great.’
In case you’re wondering what’s going on, Oliver’s dad has just called to let us know that Ernie has been discharged from hospital, meaning that Randy is free to fly over and finally meet his first grandchild. The reason that I’m a little hesitant is that we’re just about to register Noah’s birth and I really, really don’t want them bringing up the whole Ernie thing again. Why couldn’t he have phoned an hour later when the deed was done? Flashing him a tiny smile, I tug my bag onto my shoulder and grab the car keys.
‘When is he arriving again?’ My mother asks, clearing away our coffee mugs.
‘Sunday.’ Janie chips in. ‘It’s such a shame that Uncle Ernie couldn’t make it. He would have just loved to see… the baby.’
Shooting her daggers, I rest my hand on my hip in annoyance. ‘His name is Noah.’ I know exactly what she is up to and I am not having it.
Oliver never even mentioned an Uncle Ernie until a few weeks ago, so he can’t be that much of a close relative and frankly, I have had enough of being guilt tripped about not naming my son after him. I lock eyes with my mother and she shrugs her shoulders to indicate that she doesn’t want to get involved. Gathering my belongings, I check my handbag for the essentials and shoot Oliver the universal, let’s go look.
Immediately picking up on my annoyance, he says his goodbyes and we head out to the car. Once safely buckled in and away from our parents, I breathe a sigh of relief and turn up the radio. I don’t think I have ever been more relieved to get out of the house. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to have them around, but these past few days they have really tested my patience. To be fair, my mum has been so wrapped up in Noah that I have hardly spoken to her, but Janie has been even more impudent than usual.