Say Something...

by T. A. Roth

  I feel someone wipe my face, and I open my eyes to the sight of Amelie kneeling in front of me.

  “Hey,” she says while continuing to wipe away my tears. I sit up and try to straighten myself out.

  “You need to stop this. We’re worried. You haven’t been answering your phone. We wanted to give you your space, but you need to let us in. What’s going on? What happened?” Amelie asks.

  I get up off the couch. My nervous energy makes me pace around the living room. They both stare at me with bated breath, waiting for me to answer.

  “Ben’s frat was having an end of the year party, and he wanted me to go. I had to work late so I promised I would meet him there. I was running really late and didn’t realize my phone had died. I was already in the car and couldn’t call him to tell him I was on my way. When I got to the house and didn’t see Ben downstairs, one of the guys told me that he saw him go to his room. I got to his door and he was sitting in his desk chair with his back to me. Maria was sitting on his lap. He had his hands on her face, and they were kissing.”

  Amelie gasps and Vonne closes her eyes and shakes her head. “Fuck,” she mumbles.

  “He chased me out to the car, but I didn’t want to talk to him. I couldn’t even look at him. He came over and used his key to let himself in. He promised that it wasn’t what it looked like. I told him to get out. I mean what the hell am I supposed to do with that?”

  “You need to talk to him, Ari,” Vonne says with a pained look on her face.

  “And why should I do that?” I spat out, trying to control my anger. I knew after ignoring all of his calls and texts that he would go to her. It’s written all over her face. She’s talked to him, and she’s afraid to tell me.

  “You should get his side of the story. I think he’s telling the truth.”

  I stop and face her. “You didn’t see him, Vonne. You didn’t see that bitch’s face when I walked in.” I continue to pace, clenching and unclenching my fists. My anger has reached a boiling point. “Did you talk to him? What pathetic excuse did he give you?”

  She walks over and grabs my wrist to settle me. “He sounds just as broken as you do, Ari. He said you haven’t answered his calls or texts. He just wanted to know if you were okay.”

  The knot in my throat gets bigger. ”Good.”

  “Look, I’m not saying I wouldn’t have the same reaction, if not worse. It’s just . . . Maria is a vindictive bitch. You took something she thought belonged to her. She’s told more than a few people that he would come back. Her ego is bruised so she’s trying to sabotage what you guys have, and it finally worked.”

  I take in all the info and want with every fiber of my being to believe her.

  “I’m so angry. I miss him so much. I just feel so stupid.” The tears just flow freely. She cups my face using her thumbs like small windshield wipers.

  “I know. He’s changed. He’s different with you, Ari. You didn’t know him before, and if I didn’t see the change in him, I would think he was still just being a player. I think he’s the one who got played this time.”

  “She’s right, Rely.” I look up and meet my sister’s eyes.

  “I’ve never seen you so happy. Don’t let someone else get in the way of that. Just hear him out.” I wipe my face and nod.

  “There’s something else . . .” Vonne says warily.

  “What?” I ask still trying to wipe the tears away.

  “Paul told me his grandma is sick.”

  “Yeah, I told you that. Ben got her 24-hour nursing care.”

  “No, I mean . . .” She bites her lip.

  “The same night he came to your house, he got a call that his grandmother took a turn for the worse. She’s back in the hospital and has been in and out of consciousness all week.” My heart drops. ”They’ve only given her a few days.”

  I walk down the hall toward the shower and the girls follow behind me. “I have to see him.”

  BEN

  I’ve been here all week. My grandmother had a seizure the night Beverly called. Apparently, she had been having them throughout the week but begged her nurses not to tell me. She’s been in and out of consciousness. I’ve refused to leave. Paul happened to call the other day, and I told him what was going on. He brought me a small bag with a few changes of clothes that I’d left at the frat.

  I sit next to her gripping her hand. The monitor’s steady beeps are lulling me to sleep, but I’m too scared to close my eyes. What if she stops breathing? What if she wakes up for a few minutes, and I miss my last opportunity.

  She is the only person who ever took care of me. After Dad died and Mom was too busy starting a new life, she picked up the pieces. She’s never looked at me as a burden. I’m holding her warm hand as her chest rises and falls slowly. A surplus of machines, monitors, and hoses surround her bed. The machine I’m looking at monitors her heart. The pattern has been unsteady for the last few hours and my heart has begun to race with fear.

  I’m not ready. I’m selfish. She can’t leave me. She’s been my constant. She opens her eyes and blinks up at me. A weary smile crosses her face, and she gives my hand a weak squeeze. I gently squeeze back and bring her hand to my cheek. I try desperately to fight the tears that are threatening to fall.

  She brushes her thumb under my eye wiping away the traitorous tear that escapes me.

  “Mi querido hijito. No llores,” she rasps out. Her breathing is labored. “I’ve always loved you, mijo. You’ve turned into such a handsome and smart young man.” She begins to cough then continues. “You couldn’t have made me any happier. Your father would have been so proud of the man you’ve become.” I nod my head unable to speak; she’s saying goodbye.

  “I’m so happy that you’ve found that beautiful girl who loves you.” My eyes open wide in surprise. “Don’t look surprised, I see it in your eyes, you love her, too” I wipe away a stray tear and put my head down. “Have you told her?”

  I shake my head. “I messed up. I don’t think she loves me anymore.”

  She puts her hand on my head and takes a deep breath, her chest heaving, willing herself to continue. “Of course she does, it’s impossible not to love you. Fix it.”

  I grasp her hand in mine and kiss her knuckles. “I will. I plan on spending the rest of my life trying to fix it if she gives me the chance.” She smiles at me, her breathing more labored.

  “You have been the best mother anyone can ask for. My father and I were lucky to have you. I love you more than words can express, mi querida nana.”

  Her grip weakens. Her eyes close and a stray tear runs down her cheek. She takes one last deep breath. My eyes start to flutter back between her and the monitor. I say a silent prayer that she’s just gone back to sleep. The lines are starting to make a slow descent across the screen. I’m willing it to move as I whisper to her. “I’m not ready . . . I’m not ready . . . You can’t leave me,” I beg. I bow my head and pray to whoever will listen when the steady beep breaks the silence.

  ARI

  I rush through the elevator doors and make my way to the nurse’s station. The last person I expected or even want to see steps in front of me.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” She tried to make the last few months hell for us. I ball my fists ready to punch her. Maria. Un-fucking-believable. She puts both hands up in surrender. Her eyes are pleading.

  “Look, Ari. I know I don’t deserve your time. I’ve pulled some really stupid stunts, things that I can’t take back.” I move to step around her.

  “I really don’t have time for this.”

  “Please. Can you give me a minute?” I don’t know why I stop, but I do.

  “Why are you here?” If she tells me that he asked her to come, I swear I’m going to prison tonight. I cross my arms over my chest and narrow my eyes at her.

  “I came with Jake and the rest of the guys. They just left to get a bite to eat.” I nod and start to walk down the hall.

  “I’m sorry,” she mutters, and th
ose two words stop me in my tracks.

  “I don’t expect you to forgive me for any of it, but I am.” I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I let those two words work inside my head for a minute. Is she fucking serious? After everything she’s done, that’s what she has to say for herself.

  I turn around and take a few steps toward her barely containing my anger. “Why?”

  She looks down at her hands. “I love him.” A tear streams down her face. “I was stupid and I fell in love with him. I thought you would be just another fling. We weren’t exclusive. I thought he would be done with you after a few weeks and come running back. But you were different. I knew the night I caught him staring at you at that party that you would be and it killed me.” I just stare at her dumbfounded.

  It doesn’t take back what she’s done, but now it at least makes sense. She looks remorseful, but I can’t find it in myself to forgive her right now.

  “He’ll never look at me the way he looks at you. I see that now and I’m sorry.”

  It’s too much. Everything is just too damn much. My head feels like it’s about to explode.

  “Look, Maria, I believe you, it’s just-” I’ve wasted enough time on her. I shake my head and turn away to find Ben. I. Need. Ben. I. Love. Ben. I should have believed him. I should have trusted him. I let that stupid voice in my head doubt him. It’s been the longest week, and I just want to hold him and tell him everything is going to be okay.

  I round the corner and stand in the doorway paralyzed. The faint buzz of the machine begins to ring in my ears and realization hits. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. Oh, God. No . . . no . . . no. I’m too late. I shift my gaze away from the machine and see Ben’s head slumped forward and his back beginning to shake. Silent sobs wrack his body. A nurse bumps me out of the way. The sound of her voice startles him. He gets up to move out of the way. His watery eyes lock onto mine and my heart breaks. He’s unshaven and looks like he hasn’t slept in days. He stalks over without saying a word and pulls me into a tight hug. I begin to sob into his shoulder.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I repeat. I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for—if it’s for his grandmother, for not believing him, or for not being here for him this past week. He pulls back and cups my cheeks. I look up at him and tears are streaming down his face.

  “Shhhhhh . . . you’re here. I can’t believe you’re here.” He leans in and kisses my lips, each cheek, each of my eyes. He holds me tight like I might run away.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry. Please don’t ever leave me again.”

  BEN

  I don’t know how it happened, and I don’t really care. She’s back in my arms, and I’m never letting her go. My body goes into shock, and I begin to shake.

  “Ben, you’re shivering. Let’s go into the hall.” I follow her out while the nurse turns off the incessant beeping. She’s gone. I saw her take her last breath, and there wasn’t a fucking thing I could do to keep her here. God needed her home. She’s with my dad and my grandpa now and for a brief moment that thought gives me peace.

  We get out into the hall and Ari wraps her arms around me rubbing her palms up and down my back. My teeth begin to chatter, and I can’t make them stop. She pulls her head back to look at me.

  “What do you need?” I can’t speak, so instead I just hold her tighter. I need her. I need this. I bury my face in her neck and breathe her in to make sure I’m not dreaming.

  “I’m sorry . . . I’m so sorry,” she murmurs into my shoulder.

  I’m staying with Ari because being in that big empty house without my nana just solidifies that I’m alone now. Ari is worried about me. I can see her sad eyes staring at me when she thinks I’m not looking. I’m of no use right now. I can’t seem to will my body to do anything but stay curled up in the blanket Nana crocheted for me when I was five. I’ve been in the same corner of the couch staring into space for the last forty-eight hours. At least I think it’s been that long. I get up only when my bladder feels like it might burst. Food has no flavor and my appetite is non-existent.

  How will I move past this? How do you move on when the only person who ever cared for you is gone? I keep thinking about all the things that she’ll never see me do. Graduation is just two weeks away. I took for granted that she would always be around. My emotions are all over the map. I switch from anger to sadness at the drop of a hat. I’m angry at myself for not spending more time with her. I’m sad for all the things she’ll miss.

  My phone won’t stop flashing with missed calls and texts. I’ve been too tired to answer. It’s the same questions and comments over and over. “How are you doing?” or ”Sorry for your loss.” How am I doing? How . . . am . . . I . . . doing? I’m a fucking mess, that’s how I’m doing. My heart has been thrown into a shredder, and there isn’t enough glue in the world to put that shit back together.

  Ari is getting ready for work. She took yesterday off to stay with me. I know it set her back being away from the office. She explained a little of what’s going on with the case, and how it’s a big deal for her firm. Her phone was going crazy with texts and emails yesterday. She places her hand on my cheek. I’m sure she was just telling me something about the plan for the day, but I’m not paying attention. I look up at her as she asks, “Did you hear me?”

  ARI

  It’s been two days. He’s been sitting on the couch wrapped in a crocheted blanket that has seen its better days. He’s unshaven and not showered. I feel completely helpless. Just looking at him breaks my heart. I’ve never lost someone close to me, and I don’t know what to say or do. I ask if he’s hungry, if he needs anything, and I get no answer. He just nods or shakes his head at me. He answers questions that require a verbal response in monosyllabic words. I know he’s getting tired of everyone asking if he’s okay so I decide to just let him be.

  I took yesterday off and could just imagine how much work is waiting for me, but I couldn’t leave him alone. I told Mr. Benton what happened, and although he was sympathetic to the situation, this case can make or break the firm. He can’t afford not to have me at work again today. I’m torn. I don’t want to leave Ben alone, but I can’t afford to lose my job, either.

  I put a bowl of Lucky Charms in front of him, hoping he’ll eat. I place a hand on his cheek as he stares into space. I tell him that I’ll call to check on him later and beg him to try to eat something. He looks up at me with those sad whiskey eyes and I ask if he’s heard me. He nods, and I know he’s lying. I check my cell and I should have left ten minutes ago. I kiss his cheek and force myself out the door.

  I find my desk exactly how I expected. It’s piled high with files covered in sticky notes and lists. My voicemail is full. I decide to work through my lunch. I’m surviving on a granola bar and Red Bull. It’s almost three, and I haven’t had a chance to check on Ben. He hasn’t been answering his phone so I decide on a text. I have to stay until at least seven to make up for yesterday. I look at the stack of files I haven’t had a chance to conquer yet and let out a heavy sigh.

  Me: Working till 7pm. I’ll bring home dinner, you okay?

  An hour passes when my phone finally dings.

  Ben: fine

  I want to call and scream at him. “You’re not fine, dammit! You’re sad and smelly, and you’re not talking.” I decide against it being that I’m probably not sane myself from sleep deprivation and caffeine overload. I take another drink of my Red Bull and get back to work.

  I grab dinner from his favorite Mexican restaurant, hoping I can get him to eat. I walk in the door and he’s sitting in the same spot I left him in this morning. Same clothes, same blanket, and the same blank stare. Something in me snaps and I decide he’s been like this long enough. Without saying a word, I lace my fingers through his and tug gently. He stands and lets me lead him away from the couch. I walk us down the hall to the bathroom. He stands in front of me, and I begin to remove his clothes.

  He gives me a questioning stare but says nothi
ng. He lifts his arms and picks up a leg when I need him to. I turn on the shower and begin to remove my clothes as the water warms. His eyes rake over my naked body slowly. I step inside and reach my hand out, urging him to follow. He steps into the tub, and I turn us into the spray. He closes his eyes as the warm water washes over us.

  BEN

  The warm water trails over our bodies, and for the first time in days, the ache in my chest seems to subside. We say nothing. She stares into my eyes seeking my approval. I shut them; the sight of her wet curvy body is already stirring my arousal. Her warm hands rake through my hair and the smell of lavender wafts through the steam of the shower. Her warm fingers press into my temples and the circular movement eases some of the tension. A soft moan escapes me. It feels fucking amazing, and I fight the urge to push her against the tile and bury myself inside of her.

  I let her continue, and place my hands on my thighs desperately trying to control the urge to touch her. She gently tugs on my hair angling it into the spray. Her soft lips press a kiss onto my exposed neck.

  “Feeling better?” she asks. I nod unable to form words. I turn away hoping it will help my resolve. My back is to her front, and she reaches around me to get the bodywash. The feel of her naked breasts brushing against my back is almost my undoing.

  I hear the click of the cap and her soft hands rub their way across my shoulders kneading at the large knots. My head lolls forward, and my muscles begin to relax. I place my hands on the tile to steady me. Her soapy hands run down my back, around my waist, up my chest, and down my arms. She continues this maddening pattern until she’s lathered my whole body. Her touch is gentle, caressing, and loving. My body is drunk with lust, but I know this is about so much more. This is her way of taking care of me. I keep my eyes shut until I hear the water shut off.

  She steps out, wrapping a towel around her hair and body. She holds a towel up and waits for me to step out. I stand in front of her and she wraps it snugly around my waist. I pull her into my chest and rest my head against hers. “Thank you,” I whisper.