by Mesha Barton
Within ten minutes or so, I arrived in front of Summer’s condo. I jumped out of the car, sped inside the door, and ran to the third floor. As soon as I got to her door, I could hear her and Hakeem arguing to the top of their lungs. Although I knew it would probably be in my best interest to leave and never come back, I still decided to knock. As I waited, I sucked in a deep sigh and bit my bottom lip. When the door swung open, I was surprised to see my father. Seeming tense and surprised himself, he snuck into the hallway and closed the door behind him.
“What the hell are you doing here, Ava? If Summer sees you, she’s going to kill you,” he whispered.
“I know, I know. I just wanted to have a word with her, though. I know that I’m probably the last person she wants to see right now, but—”
Cutting me off, he grabbed my hand and pulled me further away from the door. “I hear what you’re saying and all… but you can’t be here. It’s too soon for you to come around trying to apologize. Until she’s had a chance to cool off about this all, I think it would be best if you didn’t show your face.”
“I get that, Dad, but there will never be a time where she’ll forgive me for what I’ve done! I have to talk to her; I have to talk to her now!” I slightly shoved him to the side and proceeded towards her door, but before I could knock, he gripped me and pulled me away.
“Let’s go,” he said firmly as he guided me back down the stairs and out of the door. While standing directly in front of the building, he folded his arms and shook his head. “I can’t believe you did this to your sister. What were you thinking?”
“I-I wasn’t thinking,” I stuttered. “I really wasn’t thinking. If I could take it all back, I would.” I glanced towards the floor and swallowed hard as I tried my hardest not to cry.
“I don’t understand why you’re standing here looking as pathetic as you are. You weren’t the one who got betrayed… your sister is. I mean, damn, Ava, you slept with her fiancé. Not only that, but you took those children away from their father. Summer is never going to take him back after this and you are the one to blame.”
Too embarrassed to reply, I decided that I was done with the conversation. Without uttering another sentence, I strolled towards my vehicle and hopped inside. I placed my key in the ignition, put it in start, and was about to pull off, but my father ran towards me and ordered me to drive to his house. I agreed. He got into his car and drove behind me. When we arrived to his Hamilton home, I got out of the car, and slowly walked inside the mansion. My father went directly into the kitchen; I went directly into the living room to take a seat. Once joining me, he handed me a cold glass of water filled with ice, and then sat on the couch across from me. Sitting in awkward silence, I chose to dismiss how nervous I was by chopping down on ice.
“I’m really disappointed in you, Ava. I really can’t believe you did this.” He released his words in a calm manner, then he paused. “Honestly, if it were the other way around… if Summer, Autumn, or Avelyn ever did something as such to you, I would react the same way. I just think it’s nonsense to go around harming one another and treating one another this way. You’re family. You should never have to fight about things like this.”
In my eyes, my dad was a fucking hypocrite. How could he ever have the audacity to preach to me about loyalty? Didn’t he cheat on my mother? Wasn’t he the one who walked out on us, got another woman pregnant, and started another family on the low? As much as I was wrong, he was too. As much as I had fucked up, so did he. He was not a damn saint. At that moment, I decided enough was enough. No more sitting around letting Daddy judge me.
I took a large gulp of my water before starting my statement. I placed the cup down on the table, then gave him my attention. “No disrespect, Dad, but you’re a hypocrite. I dare you sit here with your arms folded with disgust as if you’re high, mighty, and free of sin. When Mamma was pregnant, another woman from around the way was also pregnant with your child. You left us. You gave up on me. You gave up on Avery and Avelyn; you gave up on Mamma.” I stole a second to breathe. My voice was trembling, and tears started to form. “Now don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying that what I did was right. But how is it so different from what you did to your wife? How is it so different from what you did to your children? I have never even heard you mention it, or apologize for doing it! So before you sit here and judge me, take a look in the mirror, Dad. Our sins are not that different.”
“You know what… you’re right. There’s not much of a difference between what you did, and what I did. We were both wrong. But what I did, it’s in the past. We’re not talking about me right now. This is about you.”
“Bullshit!” I shouted. “Nothing about what you did is in the past! How could it be in the past if you never apologized for doing it?” My tone went from agitated, to calm. “I still remember the day you left like it was yesterday. Here I am fifteen years later, though, still trying to comprehend what we did so horrible to make you want to just up and leave us.” Too upset to continue my statement, I refrained from conversation. In the meantime, my father just sat there in a daze. He didn’t gain the courage to respond until a few moments later.
“Ava… I am so sorry. If I could start all the way over and make better choices, I would. I knew from the very moment I left the house that day that I was making a huge mistake. But what was I to do?” Tears snuck down his face and hid beneath his shirt. “I knew I had gotten another woman pregnant, destroyed my marriage, and ruined my family. There was no way in hell we would’ve been able to sustain the same life after all I had done. I had no other choice but to leave and try with someone new.”
Weeping, I said, “You did have a choice, Dad. You could’ve owned up to your mistakes like a man, promise to never do it again, and work towards making things better. You didn’t have to leave us hangin’ like that. You know… Mamma used to mourn over you like you were dead. And although you lied, cheated, and broke her heart, she still loved you. I know that, because she told me. Believe it or not, Mamma was hurt, but she was still willing to take you back for the sake of her marriage, and for the sake of our family.”
“Really?” he said, seeming relieved. “I thought she wanted nothing to do with me. I thought she hated me. But knowing she would’ve been willing to give me a chance to make things work, makes me feel even more regretful.”
“Did you love Diane when you left Mamma?”
“No. I thought I did at the time, but as time went on, I realized it was just a phase. I guess I was just too young to really know what I wanted. At the end of the day, all I needed was your mother, you, your sister, and your brother. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying that Autumn and Summer were mistakes; I love them. They’re my daughters. But if I could go back and change one thing… I would’ve stayed home and never walked away from my family.”
I was certainly not expecting to hear such a powerful response. It’s funny how things happen when you’re young. You think you’ve got it all figured out. You think you know exactly what you want, when you want it, how you want it. But as my father’s life proved—the grass is not always greener on the other side. Stay your ass put, work it out with the one you truly love, or look up one day and realize you let it all go for nothing.
“Do you love Diane, now?”
“Yes, I love her. I love her for being who she is. She’s an amazing woman. She has been there for me, and she is the mother of my children.”
“Dad… I am now twenty-five years old, and already, I have been lied to and cheated on by several different men. With that being said, I want to know how it makes you feel to know that?”
“It makes me furious. You’re my child. I will never get used to the idea of you dating and having sex—let alone being cheated on and lied to. That goes for you, and your sisters.”
“Do you have a logical explanation as to why men cheat? Why is it so hard for a man to stay committed to one woman? Why do men go from girl-to-girl?”
“It really just depend
s on the man. Not all men cheat, Ava. Sometimes a man will cheat simply because he’s selfish. He isn’t thinking of anyone but himself; he doesn’t care how his actions affect others.”
“Clearly, men are selfish. Still to this day I can’t seem to comprehend why Eugene would go through all the trouble to get me back into his life, and then sleep with another woman. Why would he tell me he love me, if he didn’t? Why would he bring up the idea of marriage, if he never wanted that? It just doesn’t make sense!”
“Sometimes a man will hump on every single girl, flirt with every single girl, claim to love every single girl—not necessarily because he likes being that way… sometimes it’s simply because he can’t get over one thing—a broken heart that was never mended. Eugene has probably been struggling with something from his past, and more than likely, it has nothing to do with you. He may have had a difficult relationship with his mother, or father. He may have gotten his heart broken by his first love, and never recovered from it. You never know what caused him to become the man he is today. Not everyone knows how to deal with pain, everything isn’t always black and white, and actions do not always speak what the heart truly feels.”
I figured I’d ask my father to give me some insight since he is in fact a man. But never in a million years did I expect him to reveal such wisdom. His interesting perspective hit me like a ton of bricks. As much as I wanted to continue degrading my ex, and hating him in the process, I realized that maybe he had been hurting a lot more than I predicted. Maybe his reasons for breaking my heart, were similar to the reasons I broke Lee’s. My father was right—not everything is black and white.
“I just really miss him,” I admitted, my voice cracking. “I know he did me wrong, I know he deceived me, and I probably should never speak to him again. But we had a bond. Beyond all the pain he put me through, he was still my best friend. I could talk to him about anything. I was the one he went to when he needed a shoulder to lean on. He was the one I went to when I was having a bad day. Now that he’s gone… I feel incomplete, lost… confused.”
“I understand. But instead of searching for who can complete you… seek for who can balance you. You do not need Eugene to help manifest the depth and profundity of who you are. God already created you whole. You do not need to worry about when your prince charming is going to come along and sweep you off your feet. That’s going to happen when it’s time. Now that you’re pregnant, the most important thing is this baby. Have you and Hakeem discussed your plan? What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “He said that he would be here for the baby no matter what, but I know it won’t be easy for him. He has another family. He has a woman. He has children; I really don’t see this situation working out. He and I were considering aborting the baby, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Abort the baby? Ava have you lost your damn mind?! Why would you consider that? If you were bold enough to lay down and have a baby with this man, you should be bold enough to allow your baby life!”
“But having his child would make things a lot more difficult than it already is. I don’t want to kill my child necessarily, but why wouldn’t abortion be a logical exception?”
“Now, I know I don’t have the best track record as a father. We’ve already established that. But at this point in my life, I am not the man I used to be. I do not agree with this, and if your mother were here I’m sure she wouldn’t either. You need to face the consequences of your actions. Aborting my grandchild is not the answer.”
“I know, Dad. I know. Trust me. I beat myself up every day for even considering such a thing. I feel horrible. As-a-matter-fact, I’m actually feeling a little nauseous.” I grabbed my purse, and then stood up. “I’m gonna head home. I need to get some rest.” I strolled towards my dad. He stood up, reached his arms out, and embraced me.
After saying our good-byes, I walked out of the door, to my car, and positioned myself inside. I threw my seat belt on, started the ignition, placed my hands on the wheel, and then paused. My heart was in overdrive, and within that moment, everything I had been feeling, everything I had been worried about—it all came clashing on my conscious. I was in tears.
* * *
CHAPTER 20
JANUARY 19, 2012
As humans, we’ll never know when our strengths will turn into weakness. We’ll never know when our brightest days will turn into darkness, and we’ll never know when our mended hearts will become broken. We spend so much time trying to find ourselves, only to become frustrated and angry once we lose ourselves again. Life is just a game of lost and found, and unfortunately, we are life's contestants.
Never let the setbacks of life kill your existence. You may have been built to fall… but you were always meant to stand.
Over-and-over again, I read this quote. Every morning, every noon, every night. After all I had done, and all I’d been through, this managed to keep me sane. It was important for me to continuously remind myself that life was still worth living regardless of my mistakes. There was no more time for me to dwell, and I certainly could not give up. I mean, my belly was about to burst. I was about to bring my babies into this world whether I wanted to, or not.
“Ready?” Jalisa asked, holding my bags. I stood up, grabbed the babies car seats, and then we headed out the door. My contractions were intensifying by the second; I could not wait to get those twins out of me. When we got to the hospital, the nurse at the reception desk guided me to the birthing room. From there, she informed me that she’d need to test my urine. She passed me a cup, walked me to the restroom, and asked me to change my clothes once I was done. Not long after, I returned to the room, positioned myself inside the bed, and got my vital signs taken.
“When did your contractions begin?” the nurse asked me.
“About an hour ago, just before my water broke,” I said, trying to breathe through the pain.
“Any vaginal bleeding?”
“No.”
“Are your babies moving around a lot?”
“I’ve felt a little movement. Not much, though.”
“Did you eat or drink anything within the last few hours?”
“I haven’t eaten anything, no. Just a bottle of water on my way here.”
“OK. And how are you coping with the pain?”
“The pain is agonizing, but the breathing is helping.”
“OK,” she said as she wrote my responses on a paper attached to a clipboard. “What I’m going to do now is feel your belly to determine the babies position. Once I’m done, I’ll want to perform an abdominal and vaginal exam—just to make sure everything is okay down there.”
As the kind nurse did her duty, I continued to release multiple breaths. I was extremely worried, but for support, Jalisa stood nearby.
Suddenly, the nurse said, “Dr. Garcia will be in, in just a few moments. It looks like we’ll be delivering these babies a lot sooner than we thought. In the meantime, just keep breathing and try to stay relaxed.” She sped out of the door immediately. Not even three minutes later, the nurse, and Dr. returned to the room. Garcia didn’t waste any time washing her hands and placing on her gloves. She greeted me respectfully, but firmly. She then informed me that there were a few complications with my pregnancy, but that everything would be okay.
Anxious, confused, and in horrible pain, I didn’t know what to do. Sweat was pouring down my body, and my legs were shivering with panic. Garcia propped my legs wide open, and then told me to push. I did just that, and within minutes, I heard my crying baby. One down, one more to go, I thought. I sucked up another massive breath, held it for several seconds, and then released. I began to feel faint, and my head started to spin. Out of nowhere, I was out of conscious.
Several hours later, all I could remember was waking up to a silent atmosphere. With blurry vision, and puzzled memory, I scanned around the room. There sat Jalisa and Autumn. I didn’t understand what was going on. As soon as my sister notice
d that my eyes were open, she stood up and walked towards me.
In a serene tone, she asked, “How are you feeling?”
“I-I’m fine. Where are my babies? What happened?”
“You passed out.”
I glanced over at Jalisa; she seemed to be sad. I focused my attention back on Autumn; she appeared to be the same way.
“Where’s my doctor, and why are y’all looking so damn depressed?”
Before she could even answer my question, Dr. Garcia strolled into the room. She smiled slightly when she saw my face, but once standing directly in front of me, she sighed.
“How are you feeling, Ava?”
“I’m fine. A little lightheaded, but I’m fine. Can I hold my babies?”
She walked over to the other side of the room, and grabbed one of the babies out of the crib. After placing her gently inside my arms, she looked at me and sighed again. “Unfortunately, there were some complications with the second baby. When we delivered her, she wasn’t breathing. We tried to revive her, but she didn’t wake up.” Pausing for a second, she exhaled. “I am so sorry for your loss.”
My heart could not even grasp the words she spoke from her mouth. It was almost as if I were dreaming or trapped inside a nightmare. As much as I wanted to question what happened and why, all I could do was ask…“Can I still hold her, please?” My voice was weary.
“Of course you can,” she replied, turning away, and walking out of the room. About five minutes later, Garcia returned, and so did the nurse. The nurse handed me my lifeless baby, then stepped out of the room to give my family and me some privacy.
I closed my eyes and let the tears soak my cheeks. As I silently mourned my loss, the touch of Autumn and Jalisa’s hands soothed me. When I opened my eyes, they were both standing beside me. Jalisa on one said, Autumn on the other. I glanced at both babies, and placed soft kisses on their forehead.