by Tracey Smith
We decided on a romantic comedy and were lucky that the movie started shortly after we arrived so we didn’t have long to wait. He bought popcorn and candy and sodas and we settled into our seats just before the lights went down.
There was a moment of pure darkness before the screen came to life and in that instant I became aware of just how close he was to me. I could feel my pulse quicken and wondered if he would try to kiss me during the movie. I sat on the edge of my seat leaning in towards him but hoping I wasn’t being too obvious. I was so nervous. I had no idea how to act, what to expect. It was really pathetic how little dating experience I had.
My arm brushed against his on the armrest and I felt his body tense. He pulled his arm away and folded it across his chest. My heart sank. Wasn’t a guy supposed to put his arm around his date at a movie? Some lame yawn and stretch move?
Of course my only insight into what happened on dates came from what I’d seen in the movies. Maybe it wasn’t like that. I didn’t know how it should be but I was sure it shouldn’t be like this.
I felt awkward and nervous. I wanted to reach over and hold his hand, but I didn’t have the nerve to make the first move. I didn’t know how. I wanted to kiss him. To run my fingers through his thick silky hair again. To feel his strong demanding mouth hot against mine. The butterflies in my stomach revved up into full gear as I remembered our kiss and longed for another.
The movie had started but I wasn’t paying any attention. I was so consumed with my inner turmoil. What was I doing wrong? I wished I knew what I was supposed to do. I peeked over at him and saw that his eyes were fixed on the screen. His arms were still crossed protectively across his chest. I could see his jaw muscles straining. He was definitely tense. I could feel the tension rolling off of him. I felt so helpless.
I turned back to the screen and tried to watch the movie, but all I could think about was the man sitting next to me, the desire growing inside me and the utter despair of not knowing what to do about it.
Finally after an agonizingly long 2 hours the movie ended. Michael stood up briskly and we both exited the theater without a word. The car ride back to the bakery was filled with awkward silence. I could feel the tears building. I was afraid to speak because I knew at any moment they would break through. None of this was happening as it should.
He pulled the truck to a stop at the curb in front of my bakery. We both sat there for a moment in silence.
“Maybe I’ll take a rain check on that dinner.” He said still looking through the windshield. His jaw muscles were still taut. His knuckles were white where he gripped the steering wheel.
I couldn’t speak, I knew the tears would come. I just nodded and opened the door, fleeing from his truck as quickly as I could while still maintaining my dignity. It took a great deal of self-control to simply walk to my car and not sprint for it.
Once safely inside my car I watched as his truck pulled away and then I broke down and cried. Tears of confusion and rejection and pain poured from me for what seemed like an eternity. What had gone wrong? I thought over every moment we’d spent together.
When we finally met the other night he had seemed attracted to me. He remembered me at least, so I had made an impression. He had even kissed me that night. And there was something to that kiss, something deep and passionate. Wasn’t there? Maybe all of his kisses were like that. Maybe it only seemed special to me because I was so pathetically inexperienced.
I thought again of the beautiful French woman I had seen him with before. I was sure she was experienced beyond what I could even imagine. I could never offer him what I’m sure she did. Maybe he’d realized that. Realized that at age 24 I was still just a girl who didn’t know how to be with a man, wouldn’t even know where to start.
I thought about all the things I’d told him that night at the bakery. I had told him that I couldn’t stop thinking about him after that night in the coffee shop. Admitted that seeing him a year later with another woman had drove me to quit my job. Oh God! How could I have told him that? He must’ve thought I was crazy.
He probably only took me out because he felt sorry for me. But we’d had fun at the carnival, hadn’t we? I thought it had gone well. And I was sure he was going to kiss me that night if the guard hadn’t interrupted. But then why didn’t he try again when he walked me to my car? Maybe he was beginning to realize that I was not what he wanted.
Tonight must have been a test. A real date. And obviously I had not met his expectations. My naiveté had shown through. I felt utterly stupid.
When I’d finally cried all of the tears I had I pulled myself together and solemnly drove home. Those were the most tears I’d ever shed and I would not do it again. I had been a fool to open my heart so completely, to expect it in return. I would not let that man ever get to me that way again. I would not let him make me feel so inadequate. Since when did I need a man to feel good about myself? I was a strong independent woman. I owned my own business after all. I had made it this far in life without a man. I didn’t need one now.
But in the deepest pit of my heart I knew I wanted one, and not just any one. I wanted Michael. No, I was not a child but in the most personal sense I was not yet a woman either. Michael wanted a woman.
Chapter 18: Jealousy
I couldn’t concentrate. I stared down at the paintbrush in my hand and knew I wasn’t going to make any more progress today. I couldn’t stop thinking about Katherine and what a mess I had made of things the night before.
Our first date had gone perfectly, just as planned. We had a good time. I didn’t come on too strong. I even managed to end the evening like a real gentleman, I didn’t even try to kiss her. I was proud of myself for that, because it had not been easy. I hadn’t wanted to be a gentleman. I had wanted to take her right there against her car. But with great effort I kept it together.
I wasn’t sure what I’d planned to do with her the next night, but I definitely had not planned on spending two hours alone with her in a dark room. It had been almost unbearable.
When she had invited me back to her place I was taken off guard. I hadn’t anticipated that and the temptation to be alone with her was strong. But I knew the temptation to seduce her would be stronger and it was too soon for that. I had a plan and I had to stick to it. I couldn’t allow myself to yield to my desires. Not yet.
I needed to know her. I needed her to know me. I wanted more from her than just sex and in my experience when sex came first that was all you got. I wanted more.
A movie was the first thing that had popped into my head. I regretted it the moment the lights went down. She sat so close, I could hear her breathing I could smell her subtle feminine perfume. I could feel the heat from her body. I wanted her. Wanted her more than I’d ever wanted any woman before. When her arm lightly brushed against mine I almost came undone. I wanted to take her in my arms. To devour her.
But I knew I would come on too strong. It would be too much. She deserved to be courted, not devoured. So I tucked my arms tightly against my chest, gritted my teeth and endured the next two agonizing hours.
It was the longest two hours of my life. I didn’t watch one second of the ridiculous movie we’d chosen. Instead I imagined all the ways I would seduce Katherine if I’d allow myself. How I would hold her, touch her, taste her. I imagined how she would smell, how she would feel, and how she would respond. I remembered the way she’d responded to our kiss in her bakery. I could feel my excitement building as I relived that moment.
When the movie finally ended I sighed a breath of relief as I stood and walked toward the door. I had done it. I had made it through the movie and kept my hands to myself. I was stronger than I’d thought.
But as soon as we were in the car I realized I had a bigger challenge ahead. She still wanted me to come back to her place for dinner. I couldn’t do it. Not after having spent the last 2 hours imagining all the different ways to get her out of her clothes. I couldn’t be alone with her now. I had definitely rea
ched my limit of self-control for one night.
As I pulled the truck to the curb in front of her bakery I glanced over at Katherine and saw her luscious bottom lip pouting out in the most sensuous way. I was overwhelmed with the desire to pull her into my arms and kiss that beautiful mouth. Instead I gripped the steering wheel to hold myself in my seat and asked for a rain check on her invitation to dinner. Without a word she got out of the truck and walked back to her car.
Thinking back over the evening I realized that she’d seemed upset when I dropped her off. She was oddly quiet on the drive back from the theater. I hadn’t noticed at the time because I was so consumed with my inner struggle over my desire to have her, battling the temptation to go back to her place and give in.
But now that my head was clear, now that I was not consumed with passion I realized that she definitely seemed upset. She hadn’t even said good-bye. She just got out of the truck. What was that about?
I realized I hadn’t really talked much. Actually I hadn’t talked at all. I was so locked inside my own head last night that I’d practically ignored her. Okay, from her point of view I had completely ignored her. She didn’t know that she’d consumed my every thought all evening. I had to make it up to her. Tonight I’d take her to a nice restaurant. A nice well lit restaurant.
I showed up at the bakery just before 3, as was becoming my routine. When I walked inside I searched for her but only saw Amy at the counter. She didn’t smile.
There was a customer standing with her so I just wandered over to one of the small tables against the wall to wait. My eyes were riveted on the kitchen door expectantly so I saw Katherine as soon as she strode through it. To my surprise she was dressed in a sophisticated blue cocktail dress with her long hair piled expertly on her head. She didn’t see me at first. Instead she walked around the counter into the waiting arms of the man who’d been talking with Amy.
“Hey Rick” I heard her say as I watched from the corner.
“You look stunning Katherine.” He said to her as he took her in his arms.
My stomach turned and my fist clenched involuntarily. Apparently he wasn’t a customer. Amy cleared her throat and Katherine followed her gaze to me. Her eyes widened in shock. She obviously hadn’t been expecting me.
“Michael?” She quickly stepped out of the embrace of the man next to her.
“I’m sorry… I thought…” I didn’t know what I’d thought. I guess I figured she expected me to come tonight, but realized quickly that we hadn’t actually made plans to see each other again. I had just assumed she’d expect me. I had assumed she wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see her. Apparently I was wrong. She was obviously dressed for a date. Had she gotten her hair done? I struggled to maintain control and composure.
“Just thought I’d stop by and see what you were doing tonight.” I finally finished my garbled sentence trying to sound casual, but feeling anything but.
“Oh… Uh… This is Rick.” She said gesturing to the guy next to her.
He stepped forward and eyed me competitively. I looked him over once and knew without a doubt I could crush him. He was polished and pretty in his little suit. So was that her type?
“Pleased to meet you.” Rick said offering his hand, the look on his face said he was anything but pleased. We shook hands and he immediately backed away. Wimp.
“Rick invited me to a fundraiser tonight…” Katherine trailed off, she looked nervous.
This was awkward. No point in dragging it out any longer.
“Well you two have fun.” I said in my best impression of nonchalance I could manage. “See you around Katherine.” I left before it could get any more uncomfortable if that were even possible.
I drove straight to the beach and jogged up the trail to my cliff.
For the first hour I couldn’t even think. I just stared numbly at the waves below, a storm was brewing the ocean was restless. I was restless. I had to move, I couldn’t sit still. I climbed down the face of the cliff to the beach below and paced along the shore.
High tide was coming in and the tide pools were beginning to overflow. I watched as a trapped eel circled the small tide pool that now contained him. I imagined that he felt very confused with the abrupt turn his life had just taken.
Surely he had been chasing some tasty little fish he’d planned on having for dinner. He had his eye on his goal and was moving toward it, but then suddenly with the crash of a wave he was derailed. He was trapped left to circle and wonder what to do now.
My life had been on such a sure course. Fate had brought Katherine to me. Not once but three times. How could I possibly have any path other than her? I felt like we were building something. I had a plan. I thought she felt the same.
She hadn’t expected me to come tonight.
She had a date. She’d had her hair done. How long had she had this date planned? Probably before we’d even met. Obviously my presence in her life hadn’t altered her course the way it had mine. When I finally found her three nights ago my path instantly changed course, everything suddenly revolved around her. I would’ve given up anything to be with her, know her.
She hadn’t even cancelled her date.
I had assumed she felt what I felt. I had assumed she wanted what I wanted. I had seen the intensity in her eyes, felt it in her kiss. Did she kiss him like that? My blood boiled at the thought of that prissy little wimp trying to kiss her.
I thought about the perfectly pressed suit he’d worn. I didn’t even own a suit. She had looked beautiful in that sexy blue dress. She hadn’t dressed like that for our dates. Why not? Did she think just because I was a painter I couldn’t take her somewhere nice? Is that what she wanted? Fancy suits and expensive restaurants? He probably worked at a bank, he looked like he worked at a bank. Maybe an accountant.
I stayed on the beach sulking until it grew dark and cold. I realized that aside from our first night together when I’d so ineptly confessed my feelings for her I had been making a great effort to contain them. Maybe I’d done that too well. Maybe I’d been too casual. Maybe she didn’t realize how deep my feelings for her ran. Was that even possible?
I felt like I’d been totally transparent, trying desperately to control the overwhelming emotions I’d felt around her. I had assumed she felt the same as I did, but was it possible that she didn’t even know what I felt? Well I would not make that mistake again. If I saw her again I would not hold back. I would let her know how I felt, and give her the choice to take it or leave it. I only hoped that I would see her again.
With new determination I climbed my way back up the side of the cliff. It was much harder to navigate after dark. I grunted as I pulled myself up over the edge and sat there a moment catching my breath.
“I thought I’d find you here.” Katherine’s voice came from behind me.
Chapter 19: Passion
I worked without enthusiasm. I was weighed down by the emotions that had hung heavily on me since my horrible date with Michael the night before. I tried not to let the despair overtake me. I had been so sure that he had felt something for me, but last night had shown me differently. He had been so indifferent toward me. Acted as though I wasn’t even there. No. That wasn’t it exactly. He had acted as if my presence was unbearable. He could barely sit through a movie with me. He couldn’t get rid of me quickly enough, blowing me off as soon as the movie was over.
I felt so hopeless and empty as I drifted through my day. I was able to avoid Amy’s scrutiny through the morning rush, but it didn’t last long enough.
“Okay, what’s going on Katherine? You look like someone died.” She said following me into the kitchen as soon as our shop had emptied that morning.
I shrugged not sure how to explain.
“Is it about Michael?” She asked sympathetically.
I felt my throat tighten and the tears burn behind my lids, but I’d promised myself I wouldn’t cry over him again so I sucked it back before I answered.
“I don’
t think I’ll be seeing him again.” I told her trying hard to concentrate on the dough I was kneading so that I wouldn’t have to meet her concerned stare.
“Why?” She asked softly putting her hand on my shoulder.
“I don’t know.” I whispered.
“What happened?” She prodded gently.
“I don’t know. We went to the movies last night and… and nothing. I mean we didn’t talk, he seemed weird, it ended weird. I just don’t know what happened.”
“Sometimes when you have someone built up into a fantasy it’s hard for them to live up to it.” Amy suggested.
“But that’s just the thing. He had lived up to it. I mean he was everything I’d always imagined him to be. Our first date was great. We laughed and talked and it was perfect, he was perfect… but then… I don’t know.”
Just then the doorbells chimed and Amy turned to glance out the kitchen window.
“Guess who?” She said looking out the small round window on the kitchen door.
My heart leapt as I rushed to her side to look out the window with her. Then my heart sank to my feet. It was Rick.
“Oh God, not today.” I moaned.
“I think today is perfect.” Amy decided “Rick is just what you need right now. Nothing like a little male attention to boost a girl’s spirits.” And with that she pushed me through the kitchen door before I knew what she was doing.
“Katherine!” Rick said looking at me like a hopeful puppy dog.
“Hey Rick.” I said already planning my revenge against Amy for throwing me to the wolves like this, again. Well to be fair it was more like throwing me to a puppy dog, but the sentiment still applied.
“I’ve been thinking about what a great time I had the other night.” Rick said grinning his Cheshire cat grin