My Best Friend and Other Enemies

by Catherine Wilkins

  “Yeah, this school is totally wack, babes,” says Natalie, laughing. (Oh no, don’t tell me people are actually copying Amelia now.) “Last night was loads of fun.”

  Why do they have to keep going on about how much fun it was? Well, I’m fun, too! Do they think I’m not fun? Is that it? I could mix ice cream and Coke together if that’s the done thing now. (I mean, I could if I can convince my mum to buy either of those two luxury items ever again.) Oh no, they think I’m not fun! I have to show them I’m fun!

  Amelia looks quite satisfied with herself, and decides to start a new topic of conversation. “So, Natalie, we need to decide which films we want for the sleepover—”

  “I’m having a sleepover,” I blurt out.

  “What?” says Amelia.

  “Are you?” Natalie sounds impressed.

  “Um, yeah, well, I was thinking of having one. I’m not sure yet.”

  “So you’re not having one,” says Amelia. “Honestly, sometimes I think you’re such a—”

  Amelia stops dead before finishing whatever insult she had lined up as Tanya Harris has just entered the room.

  I’ll level with you. I’m a little bit scared of Tanya Harris, but she is kind of my friend.

  Tanya Harris is really naughty. She once spat in Mrs Cole’s face (she got suspended for it) and she put chewing gum in Amelia’s hair. I’m fairly certain Amelia is a little bit scared of Tanya Harris too, and I’m pretty sure that’s why she’s chosen not to insult me in front of her.

  “All right, Toons!” shouts Tanya, waving at me from across the room.

  “Yep!” I wave back, feeling conscious that this display of greeting is way louder and more attention-seeking than it really needs to be. But that’s Tanya.

  “Respect. Laters!” she shouts and leaves the room again. Well, that was short and sweet. And loud.

  “Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl,” mutters Amelia, but very quietly. “She’s like, totally weird. And why does she have a nickname for you?”

  “She likes my cartoons,” I reply.

  Over the years, I have managed to avoid the worst of the bullying at Hillfern Junior School with my awesome cartooning. That’s what I want to be when I’m older, a cartoonist like my hero, Matt Groening. He invented The Simpsons. And Futurama. And he draws comic strips of rabbits, and my mum let me get a book of one of them, even though it has the word “hell” in the title.

  I don’t mean to boast, but I have always been really good at drawing. I love it at school when we get given a work project to do, like, say, “Egypt”. I love sketching out all the mummies and sphinxes; I spend ages drawing them. Though then I sometimes run out of time to do any of the writing. And then I tend to get quite low marks. But I don’t care.

  I love drawing. I can draw a Mickey Mouse and a Homer Simpson that look professional. I draw them all over my books and folders. That’s how I have managed to avoid being bullied. People saw them, and asked me to draw them on their books. There were a couple of break times where I had queues!

  Then, as we didn’t get to choose who we sat next to at the start of this year, I had to sit next to Tanya Harris. I was very worried about this at the time.

  One English lesson, Tanya said to me, “Oi, cartoon girl, draw me as a cartoon,” and passed me her rough book. At first I was terrified. I thought, if I draw her wrong and she doesn’t like it, she is going to beat me up at lunchtime. Then I thought, if I don’t do it at all, she is still going to beat me up at lunchtime.

  But I didn’t know what kind of cartoon she would be. All I really knew about her was that she kept being told off for wearing jewellery, and she sometimes hit people. And I didn’t think putting that in a cartoon would be the best plan.

  But as I thought about it, I remembered she always ate a Cadbury’s Creme Egg at break times, so I drew her as a Cadbury’s Creme Egg, with arms and legs. Underneath it I wrote, “Tanya Harris, that’s you that is.” I passed back her book and waited with bated breath.

  She didn’t respond until the end of the lesson, then she thumped me on the back and said, “That … is … blimmin’ … brilliant!” She loved it. She made me draw another one on a piece of paper, so that she could stick it up inside her desk. She even went over the first one in pen – I’d only done it in pencil – so it wouldn’t fade.

  But the best part was she showed it to all her friends, who – how can I put this? – happened to be sort of the naughtier boys in our year. Well, they happened to be the very same people who sometimes shouted, “Oooh, chess club,” at me, and they all stopped doing it.

  So drawing cartoons is sort of my party trick. Like how Linda in our form can turn her eyelids inside out. That’s kind of gross actually, I prefer mine.

  “Oh, that,” says Amelia dismissively.

  “Yep. Cartoons are my secret super power,” I joke. “Well, it’s lucky you can do that,” observes Amelia. “Because you certainly can’t dress yourself.”

  There’s nothing like a really fun lesson to start the day. And maths is nothing like a really fun lesson. Ha ha, I am funny.

  I really don’t like maths, though. I am extremely sick of long division. It takes too long and all phones have calculators these days. Why don’t they just teach us the stuff that technology can’t do?

  Anyway, I sit next to Cherry in this lesson. Natalie and Amelia sit diagonally behind me in the back corner. Like I said, at the start of this year we didn’t get to choose who we sat next to because apparently we will choose our friends and then talk during lessons. (Well, obviously, but still.)

  I ended up next to Tanya Harris, but she got moved recently because the teachers thought she was looking out the window too much. Honestly, our school is obsessed with where we sit. It’s probably quite unhealthy.

  Natalie was chosen to sit next to Amelia, and I suppose because Amelia was new, the teachers couldn’t have known they would hit it off so well and whisper more during every lesson than the rest of the class put together. Really, the teachers should admit their plan backfired and let me sit next to Natalie again instead. I mean, they had no problem moving Tanya Harris.

  Actually, I don’t care anyway. I like sitting next to Cherry. Cherry is in the chess club with me. She’s quiet and shy, but very down to earth. (Amelia sometimes calls Cherry fat behind her back, but Cherry always says she feels sorry for “stick insect idiots”.) Also, Cherry is clever, and tends to beat Amelia in tests and stuff. So that might be why Amelia is sometimes mean about her. Actually, come to think of it, Cherry tends to beat Natalie in tests and stuff, too. I sometimes think I’m getting bad vibes from Natalie towards Cherry and the rest of the chess club. I wonder if that’s why.

  We have to sit in the same seats each term for all our lessons apart from the ones in different places like art and PE (obviously). I’ve totally had to branch out when we go in twos for stuff. In fact, I sort of have more friends now than before Amelia joined our school. I actually know way more people than Natalie and Amelia because they only hang out with each other and a couple of other snooty girls. (Oh yes, and apparently, now Joe and Daniel.)

  “Right, everyone, you should all have a piece of paper on your desk,” says Mrs Cole, returning to the front of the room. “The test begins … now. There will be no talking.”

  Honestly, a test. First thing on a Thursday morning. It’s inhumane. If we didn’t have art next, I would be feeling a little bit annoyed right now.

  There is a muffled giggling noise coming from Natalie and Amelia’s corner of the room. I glance over and they are shoving each other, trying not to laugh. Mrs Cole is still at the front of the room and hasn’t noticed anything.

  I go back to my maths questions. Typical. They even have fun in a horrible maths test.

  The giggling noise gets louder, and there is the sound of a desk moving. Mrs Cole is still oblivious. I look round at their corner again and notice Tanya Harris frowning at them with a look of disgust on her face. Suddenly her hand shoots into
the air.

  “Excuse me, Miss?” she says.

  “Whatever’s the problem, Tanya?” asks Mrs Cole.

  “I think that Natalie and Amelia are cheating in their maths test, miss. They keep whispering to each other, and then looking at me and laughing. They should be careful, shouldn’t they, Miss? Laughing at people is quite rude, isn’t it? They might get into all kinds of trouble for doing that.”

  Natalie and Amelia go bright red and suddenly stop what they’re doing. They look quite scared. It does really sound like Tanya has directly threatened them in the middle of a maths lesson, with loads of witnesses. There is a weird tension in the room. Everyone is looking at them. Mrs Cole surveys them icily.

  “Well, I certainly hope that no one is cheating in my lesson. Get on with your work, please, everyone.”

  Reluctantly, all heads turn back to the maths test. Natalie and Amelia don’t giggle at all for the rest of the lesson.

  As the bell goes and we all file out for break, Tanya grabs me at the classroom door and starts chatting to me about how many answers she thinks she got right. She seems a bit distracted, and I realise that she is actually waiting for Amelia and Natalie to come out so she can give them grief.

  Suddenly, she breaks off mid-sentence. “Oh, look who it is. Mr and Mrs Snob.” Natalie and Amelia ignore her, red-faced, and try to walk past as if nothing is happening. “Yeah, go on, carry on, that’s it,” Tanya shouts after them as they head down the crowded corridor. “Keep going, and don’t laugh at me again in maths!”

  “Hey, Tanya, go easy,” I say. “Natalie’s my best friend.”

  “Is she?” Tanya looks momentarily perplexed. “What about that new one? Amelia Snooty-Face the Third? Well, I can’t stand her. Honestly. You know what she thinks, don’t you?”

  “What?”

  Tanya then tells me what she thinks Amelia thinks. I won’t repeat it here, but it’s along the lines of that her poop don’t pong.

  I can’t help but laugh. I don’t like Amelia, and she is mean, and she gets up my nose a lot, but I suppose she is still new, and it must be hard, and I feel bad when anyone gets picked on. Especially if it looks like I’m joining in. Which I wasn’t.

  I don’t manage to find Natalie or Amelia all break. I hope they’re not annoyed with me. I hope they don’t think I condone Tanya’s behaviour.

  Maybe I should text Natalie just in case? What can I even put? The bell goes for the end of break and I panic. I write,

  Hope U cool. Still best friends, innit? Love J.

  I mean, it’s a bit soppy, now I think about it. And possibly a bit needy. Hmm. Sometimes I think it would be good if there was a “reverse text” button on phones. Someone should invent that. I— Ooh, Natalie has texted back!

  Course we R. Best friends 4eva! UR imagining anything else U nutter. X

  Phew, art. We’re drawing leaves today. I prefer drawing people to inanimate objects. I’m not that bothered about leaves, to be honest. I could take them or leave them. Ha ha. I am on fire today.

  I sit next to Joshua in this lesson. Joshua is funny and tall. He’s kind of handsome, and really good at basketball. See, I told you I’ve branched out and made all kinds of friends. Although, I’m not sure I can call Joshua my friend exactly.

  Once, at the start of this term (cause there’s like six of us all sitting on this one table) I thought a good ice-breaker would be to play the “would you rather” game, so I asked him, “Would you rather live for a year in a greenhouse or an igloo?” And he just looked at me like I was mad and said, “Neither.”

  But the game took off because the others (Terry, Emily, Megan and Fatimah) really liked it, so by the time Terry asked Joshua if he would rather have no teeth or no hair, Joshua was all over it and said he would rather be bald, but I didn’t have the guts to ask him any more questions in case he looked at me like I was mad again.

  But he might like my leaves joke. I pause with indecision. Then my mouth gets carried away without my consent. “Hey, Joshua?” I say.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m not that bothered about drawing these leaves. I could take them or leave them!”

  “Great, good one,” says Joshua sarcastically.

  Terry overhears, though, and says much louder, “Hey, I’m not bothered about drawing leaves! I could take them or leave them!” There is a small ripple of laughter around Terry, and people from other tables turn to look at him. (Terry is a joke thief! The cheek.)

  “Less noise, thank you, Terry,” says Mrs Cooper, our art teacher, coming over. “You don’t have to draw them, you can always go and stand in the corridor, or outside my office.”

  Terry doesn’t apologise. He just grins broadly, pleased with the level of attention he’s receiving. Emily and Fatimah start telling him he is “well cheeky”, but this just makes him look even happier.

  “Well, Terry liked it,” I say dryly to Joshua.

  Joshua looks at me and smiles. “I think you should stick to cartoons,” he says. Blimmin’ cheek! I think. Honestly, Joshua thinks he’s so cool.

  “Does that mean you like my cartoons?” I ask. He looks at me evenly for a moment.

  “It means I could take or leave your jokes,” he replies.

  Then he tries to go back to drawing, but stubs his pencil, which breaks, so he ends up with a big line across his page. Ha! I think secretly. Not so cool now, are you? Anyway, why do I care?

  And honestly, for a joke that’s so rubbish, it’s been stolen quite a lot within two minutes, I think to myself.

  “Oi, Jessica,” says Emily. “I done that game on my stepdad. I said, ‘Would you rather eat a bowl of live spiders or nothing for three days?’ And he said the spiders! I always told my mum he was weird.”

  The girls on my art table really make me laugh. Emily is more outgoing than Megan and Fatimah. She doesn’t care what she says, but Megan and Fatimah nearly always agree with her.

  They’re different from Natalie, as they don’t care about being cool. And they’re different from Cherry and my other chess club friends as they don’t care about getting the answers right all the time. In fact, Emily doesn’t care at all if she gets stuff wrong. She just laughs it off and carries on.

  I laugh. I can feel myself relaxing as I draw my leaves. Honestly, art is so much more fun than maths. I wish I could stay here forever, with these relatively normal people, and not have to track down Natalie and Amelia at lunch.

  Lunch is becoming a pain in the neck, to be honest. I know it’s meant to be the highlight of the day, but even without the politics of Natalie and Amelia, it has its problems.

  I am (as my mum would put it) in the “wrong wealth-bracket to get the best of it”. Basically, we are not poor enough to qualify for free school dinners, but still poor enough that my mum can’t give me enough money to get the “nice” food. I can afford coleslaw and a jacket potato, but not lasagne. (Though as my mum has pointed out, I am very lucky to be at a school that serves lasagne, even if I can’t afford to actually eat it.)

  I might end up being packed lunch soon anyway. Depending on how the family economy drive goes. I hope it goes well. I would still rather eat jacket potatoes than muesli bars.

  I look everywhere for Natalie and Amelia, but there’s still no sign of them. So I end up eating with Cherry and some other members of the chess club. It’s quite fun, actually. Cherry tells me about some new brilliant four-move-checkmate thing she has heard of and can’t wait to try out. Also, she lets me eat some of her chips.

  As I go back into the form room after lunch, I spot Natalie and Amelia. “Hey, there you guys are!” I cry. “Where have you been? I looked everywhere for you!”

  “Nothing better to do than look for us? What an exciting life you must lead,” says Amelia dryly.

  I look at Natalie, in case she feels like telling Amelia to be nice like she sometimes does, but she says nothing.

  “I was worried you might be annoyed with me or something,” I venture, slightly nervously.
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br />   “Why would we be annoyed with you?” asks Amelia.

  “I don’t know,” I say. “It just kind of seemed like you might be avoiding me, or something.”

  “Avoiding you?” Amelia says, smirking.

  “Or something,” I repeat.

  “No, we weren’t avoiding you, Jess, we just had stuff to attend to,” says Natalie, and they exchange a look, then smirk.

  What is going on? What have they been doing all this time without me? I hope not something awful like snogging Joe and Daniel behind the sports block.

  Amelia seems satisfied that I have been wrong-footed and raises her eyebrows at Natalie, as if now they can get back to normal again.

  “So, Nat, my dad is going to try and get us tickets to see MBlaze,” she says.

  Natalie claps her hands. “Oh, I am so excited!” she squeals.

  Wait a minute. Wait just a cotton-picking minute here. Natalie and I hate MBlaze! They’re this boy band that we have always agreed are really lame. They wear identical white shirts and think they’re hard, but sing ballads about crying because they’re so in love all the time. They make me want to puke!

  Natalie and I used to joke about them all the time, all through Year Five. We said if all they sing about is crying because of love treating them so badly, maybe they should just try being single for a while, and get some hobbies, and stop blimmin’ singing about it all the flippin’ time!