by L. Ann Marie
Jacob looks up at me. “You good Brother?”
I start laughing all over again. “I’m breathing and that’s good.” He nods giving me a strange look. “Inside joke sorry.”
“We need to get on the Ops issues. Tell us the joke later,” Terry says handing me a pad.
I look at it. He thinks I’m taking notes? I move the pad to the desk and pull up a new doc. The keys are moving and Jacob pushes his chair back as if I need the room. I smile and look at Terry. “Go.”
Jacob laughs, but Terry starts talking as if nothing new is happening here. I get an hour and a half of procedure and think I got this. At least road names and shit. I need to remember Terry is Mimer. I got Jacob’s Lightfoot. Dad has used it for years. The rest is crazy and we don’t need all of it. Jacob said I can write in my book where the procedures would be different. It’s a whole fuckin’ book. I take it thinking Patches has more influence than he’ll ever know. This is crazy, but I guess it got us this far.
Dropping the book on my desk I open tracking and check on the kids then the reader and Security. The sister left, but the reader hasn’t even looked out the window. She probably knows he’s out there.
I check on Aiyana and Kaya. They’re watching the water with a group of tribesmen. Aiyana is pissed about something, but she’s focused on the water right now so I pull away and get back to here. Devan and Mase are still hidden and collecting shit in the truck. I smile knowing they do a good job. I hope it’s enough, but don’t pull what they have for information. I’ll be getting it soon enough.
Phoenix throws me lunch. I close everything down and head to the meeting room. Prez is here talking to them about tracking. He throws me chin and I sit and eat.
“Aiyana and Kaya are stopping the oil,” Teller says.
I nod smiling. “Did you get that or is Mucimi throwing it?”
He smiles proud. “I got it. I can watch her now.”
Since she’s the most focused reader we have that’s not surprising, but I’m reminded we need to jump. I’ll do that before Mase and Devan get here. They need a way to get rid of the stress they’ll have by getting what everyone is doing.
Prez is watching us. “Aiyana isn’t at the reservation?” Fuck he’s got that fierce look in his eyes and he’s trying to block me.
“No Prez. Every time I try to get through what everyone is doing I’m sent out or you have something else pulling you away.”
“Outside.” He gets up and walks out, but I know that calm isn’t really calm. He’s pissed. I follow him out and he sends Done in. “They ordered you lunch.” Done looks at me then throws Prez chin going into the room. Fuck, he feels bad for me. It’s not like I had a fuckin’ chance to say anything.
He walks a couple of steps away then turns back. “Aiyana is off of the reservation, but I’m not told. What the fuck are you thinking? She’s one of the most powerful readers we have.”
“We haven’t met yet for me to give you all I’ve done. Every time you ask I get through half of it. If I told you no, when you sent me away, you’d be pissed. I’m trying to catch up with MC protocol, but you being pissed at me isn’t reasonable. I’ve done everything you asked when you’ve asked. When we meet, I can tell you everything.”
“Now! Tell me now because I’ve got two of ours in fuckin’ God knows where and they’re being hunted. Tell me what the fuck made you think it was okay to send them any-fuckin’-where.”
Jesus. He’s ready to hit me. “You telling me I head up Protectors made me think you meant it. I’m doing the job you gave me, but I’m fighting everyone’s assumption that I’m still a fuck-up. If you’d take a fuckin’ minute and listen I can explain.”
Fuck! He’s got his hand wrapped around my neck and I’m slammed against the wall before I can even register he moved. “I don’t give a fuck whose family you are. I deserve more respect than I’ve seen out of you. If you can’t get it together then drop the fuckin’ cut now.”
What? I’ve given him respect. I’m trying to think of when I’ve been disrespectful to him then just give up. “You know what, take it. You’re not listening, but threatening me. Take the fuckin’ cut and I’ll go back to the school with the kids. Pick someone you trust to lead the Protectors because I’m not it and I’m fuckin’ tired of having to prove myself. I’m done.” He steps back shocked. As soon as his hand loosens I move breathing heavy. He knows what putting his hands on me does. Walking down the hall I shrug the cut off and send it back to him. “I’ll be waiting in the locker room for the kids when they’re done. Hawk will stay with them.”
“Christian!” Shit is flying through his head.
I spin around pissed. “No Prez. It’s not so easy walking away! It hasn’t been a fuckin’ week in the job I didn’t ask for! I’ve done everything for both the MC and Princes since I was eleven fuckin’ years old! I’ve given up everything I get for both Clubs and I just started getting that level of commitment back from you. No one gave me shit before I got here. Now I’m told to move to a job that no one wants me in. I jumped when you told me too. I even asked how fuckin’ high, but it’s not enough. Fuck that. I was happy where I was. I don’t need the Brothers or Officers bringing me down again. Take your doubt, your threats and the fuckin’ cut that I worked so hard to earn. I’m fuckin’ out.” When I turn Jessie and Taylor are standing here. I walk by and head to the locker room. Walking the tunnels will calm me. I throw to Brantley that I’m heading down and disable the sensors.
Jeremy is in my head, but I stop him. ‘I need a fuckin’ minute. Nothing you say will change this right now. Give me that. I promise I’ll always help to keep Aubrey safe Brother. Just give me a fuckin’ minute.’ He quiets and I walk.
Since I was a kid I’ve gotten this shit and have always given them everything. It was to the point that I was so disconnected I only saw my family after they escaped the shit that I saw. People would get pissed when I didn’t tell them shit so I stopped showing for most of that too. Jacob was the only one that saw what was happening and tried to help. He didn’t get the process of the ancestors so what I gave him hurt him, but didn’t change anything for me. I stopped that too. He was younger than me and didn’t need my shit in his head. It would have been helpful if anyone took a fuckin’ minute to explain the ancestors to me, maybe how to use meditation, or some training on the reading. I got help right at first, but nothing after. When I came to the Compound, I finally learned all that shit and have been training to grow my abilities. It hits me how fuckin’ long that took and I’m pissed all over again. I was a fuckin’ kid. I’ll make sure the kids get it and never walk with that depression or feelings of not being good enough to get the extra training. I’ll give it to them myself and fuck what the Brothers think. They haven’t done a fuckin’ thing, but train me for two years. While I’m grateful and appreciate the ability to see and use the ancestors, I worked for a fuck of a lot longer for them than they ever did for me.
A peace settles over me as I walk back from the waterfront. The kids will be ready to go soon. I push everything from my head and shield so nothing comes in or goes out. I need some space from the Club and all the shit they throw. I wait at the door and see Done disable the sensors. I brace myself because Prez, Darren, Jessie and Dakota are waiting with the kids.
When the door opens, Hawk moves to my side. I don’t know whether to say Brothers or not so I throw chin and reach for Nash. “Thanks, we’re good if you can help them down the stairs.”
“We need some time with you Brother,” Dakota says.
I smile. “I wasn’t sure if I say, ‘Brothers’ so I just threw chin. I need to get them back. My job is them. I’ll do that to the best of my ability. No one had a problem with me when I did that job.”
Dakota is throwing and I shut him down. “I’m not doing this with them right here. They get more than you know. I’ll explain their new abilities when you come for that at the school. I’ll train them with the new they have so that keeps growing. Tomorrow I’ll teach them to j
ump so they have that to fall back on when it all gets to be too much. I won’t let them down and I’m good where I’m at with all this.”
Dakota nods and puts his hand up like he’s stopping them from saying anything. I don’t even look at Prez, but take Honor’s hand and start walking. On the way, we talk about how Security works. I’m relieved when Done answers them. I keep my head clear, but it’s not easy.
In the school, I get them settled and we get through the rest of the afternoon. They have more to think about now and are ready to jump in, but I keep them on the clean water for the sundries building. Jess comes for the boys and Destiny, then Lily shows. I leave with Mucimi and Honor when Jax pulls in.
“Done, move Honor with me and Mucimi. We’re headed to Brantley’s.”
He looks at me and nods. “Are you good Brother?”
I look at Mucimi then back at him. “Not sure if the Brother still works, but I’m good.”
His hand wipes down his face. “I’ve been here a while Brother. If you need an ear I’m around.”
I smile. He’s a good Brother to have. “Thanks, Done. I don’t see me, but I think this needs to be this way. If I need it, I’ll call. I’m good though.” His head nods, but he’s seeing my cut in Prez’s hand.
I walk out and put Honor on my shoulders. I’m relaxed and enjoy the quiet walk home thinking tomorrow I’ll teach them about the ancestors. Holly is reading to Chance when we walk in. Mucimi runs to him and kisses his cheek. I put Honor down and she does the same thing making Holly laugh. She stops and looks at me. “You gave your cut back to Ben?”
Fuck. I pull a shield and see Mucimi throwing her pictures. “Stop Mucimi.” He looks at me, but stops with the pictures. “This isn’t something I’m talking about with him right here.”
She looks disappointed. “Since he doesn’t understand maybe you should. He worries over so much lately. He shouldn’t have more to worry about especially from you. You’re connected in a way I don’t see. He needs something here Christian.”
“Sonofabitch.” I sit. “I did hand Prez my cut. My whole life in the MC I gave them all the visions I could. I didn’t know about help from the ancestors for me. I thought they took Jeremy because he had the healer abilities. No one talked to me about the shit I saw. When people got pissed because of what I didn’t tell them, I pulled away. It wasn’t until I moved here that I got the help and training to release all that. Now with control and more abilities they put me in a new job, but don’t trust me to do it. I can’t make them see that I’m not the fuck-up I was and they can’t get past it.” I don’t tell her Prez can’t get past it.
“You’re not, and from what I’ve been told have never been a fuck-up Christian. If they didn’t give you the tools you needed maybe they didn’t know that you needed them.”
I shrug. This view of me not getting from them just hit me today, but it isn’t wrong. “They worked with Tess and Jeremy then Aubrey. I wasn’t ever anyone that was worth what they are. It was me talking to Brantley that drew Dakota to me. The Clubs didn’t do anything, but take what I had seen. I’m not saying this pissed for what was. It just hit me today. I’m sick of jumping when they need me to. I’m good at the school. It makes me happy and I’m all for living with happy instead of the death and destruction I didn’t know how to get rid of.”
She nods, but she doesn’t look happy about it. “If this makes you happy I’m all for it, but what happens to the new department?”
I pull my hair back. “I can’t keep worrying about what I can’t control. That’s how I got so far away from my family and Brothers. I see their disappointment and how pissed they are and I just barely started. I’m not willing to go back Holly. They’ll figure it out. They always do.”
“I don’t want you seeing that every day. I’m proud of you Christian. I don’t understand why they’d be disappointed in you, but seeing that every day will affect you. I don’t want to see the unhappy man I first met again. I like you happy. Since you’re so good at your job, I’d be happy to see you happy every day teaching the kids.” She smiles and I open to see she means it.
Looking at Mucimi I see he’s watching, but not throwing anything at me. “Did you understand little man?”
“Yes.”
“No questions? You can throw now.”
He shakes his head no. He’s trying to block me, but I see what he does. “I can only control me Mucimi. It’s not cool to try controlling how people see me and I’m not wasting my time trying. I have this group of kids that needs me to teach them about right and wrong and how to control all the freaky shit.”
He signs, ‘Yes.’
Since I don’t know what else to say to him I look at Holly. “Can Honor stay?”
She smiles. “Of course.”
I kiss her cheek and walk out the back. Shit, Mucimi is trying to block me now. “Let’s walk Brother.” Hawk follows me down to the water and we walk a couple of miles down the coast. I pull all the shields and check on my people. Colt and Devan are here and laughing with Dakota and Jessie. Aiyana and Kaya are on their way back with Co, but they aren’t happy. I keep their thoughts away and move to the reader. Thank fuck they still have Security on her. Her sister is back and they’re talking about the woman’s work. The reader is worried about money. I decide I can fix that and start planning. Without the Club, I can still get shit done, but it’s going to be harder. I’ll work around it. Uncle Danny says you can work around anything if you just think about it. I got this shit. “Let’s go home Brother. I got shit to do.”
I’m smiling until I see Jacob. He’s pissed sitting on my porch. “Jeremy is pissed you’re blocking him.”
I shrug. “I’m not anymore. I told him I’d keep Aubrey safe, I meant it.”
“This isn’t about Aubrey’s safety. We know you’d never let anything happen to her.”
“Then why are you so upset?” I walk by him and open the door.
“What the fuck Christian? You quit the Club and it doesn’t even matter to you?”
I control my temper and breathe. “For years, I’ve given everything in me to the Clubs. It wasn’t until I was ready to end it that I talked to Brantley, and Dakota showed for me. Prez put me against a wall today and threatened to take my cut because I was too busy jumping through his hoops for him to listen to me. I’m done Jay. I’ll do what I can, but I’m not fighting my own fuckin’ Brothers for that same respect they refuse to show me.”
He looks away. “You were going to kill yourself? Suicide is what you’re saying?”
Fuck. “You have no clue what it’s like not being able to touch anyone. People being pissed at me because I didn’t tell them what I saw. How disappointed even Dad was in me. The visions don’t fuckin’ stop Jay. It’s not like Jeremy. He gets hit with something and it’s gone. I’m hit all the fuckin’ time. It’s never ending and I had no relief from it. No one stepped in. I wasn’t important enough to step in for. Everyone saw me as a poor thing that was lost, but no one did a fuckin’ thing to help until Dakota showed. I see what you all think of me all the time.” I look away. “Even Prez thinks I’m still a fuck-up.”
“You’re wrong. I’ve never thought of you as a fuck-up. I tried to help Christian. You pushed me away too.”
I look at him. “You did, you’re the only one that did. I gave you what I saw and saw it hurting you. It gave me nothing, but more hurt Jay. I saw what that did to you down the road so I stopped.”
He watches me and I see him getting it. He nods. “What can I do Christian? How do I help?”
I smile. “For me there isn’t anything I can do to change what everyone thinks so I need to go around them and do what I can for the reader. She’s worried about money. It’s something I can fix. Help me do this and I’ll let you know what else I come up with when I get it straight in my head.”
He nods, but he’s worried about Prez. I put my hand up. “I got this. I don’t want you doing anything that gets you thrown out too.”
He gives me a l
ook. “You didn’t get thrown out you walked away.”
“Be careful here Jacob. I see your disappointment. With training and control I’m more confident and I’m not stepping back into that fuck-up role I was in. The Brothers say one thing, but think another. I see all of it. Thank fuck for my family. You are the only ones that see who I really am. Prez doesn’t believe in me. I’ve been giving them visions for fuckin’ ever and he doesn’t believe in me or my abilities. There’s nothing for me to fight for if no one has faith in me as a person. Their thinking comes in loud and clear Jay. Me walking away is just semantics.”
He rolls that over and looks at me. “Jeremy is saying it’s true.”
I nod. “I caught that. I got some shit to take care of. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I walk by him and up the stairs to the loft. I need a shower and some time to think my plan through.
“Christian.” I turn and look down at him. “I believe in you, so do Jeremy and Aubrey.”
I smile at him. “I know you do Jay. The whole family does now.”
He nods and walks out thinking they let me down too. I can’t fix it now so it will have to wait.
Once I’m showered I sit at the computer and get an SUV ordered then have it set to be delivered to Jax at the garage tomorrow. It will need tracking. I call to Jeremy. ‘I need tracking for the new reader on an SUV. It’s at the garage. Can you do that for me?’
‘Yeah. We need to talk.’
‘I know Je. I’ll get there and talk to you soon. Tomorrow I teach the kids about the ancestors. Maybe this weekend I can come up.’
‘Take Security.’
This would require me asking for it. I’m not asking anyone in the Club for anything. I get some cash and throw a coat on to cover my gun. “I’ll be back Brother,” I tell Hawk as I walk out.
At the gate, I have to wait for the guard to open it. “We don’t have Security here for you Brother.”