Spring 2007

by Subterranean Press

  “Oh, all right,” she said. “Bubbles, sit!”

  The snake released Henry and coiled itself on the ground.

  “Down!” she said, and suddenly he lay down belly to the ground, which was an awful lot of belly to hit the ground all at once.

  “That dagnabbed snake is always sneaking up on me!” muttered Henry, trying to catch his breath.

  I stepped over and picked up the gun before he got back enough strength to reach for it.

  “That’s a mighty well-trained snake, Miss Valeria, ma’am,” I said.

  “I’ve had him since he was a puppy,” she said.

  “Well, you learn something new every day,” I said. “I didn’t know snakes was ever puppies.”

  “They aren’t,” she answered. “But I don’t know what to call a baby snake.”

  “How about Godless Spawn of Satan?” wheezed Henry, finally dragging himself to his feet.

  “Shut up!” snapped Valeria.

  “Priestesses can say ‘Shut up’ to a god?” I asked.

  “When they look like him, they can say a lot worse,” she said. “Why was he trying to kill you?”

  “He was afraid I was going to horn in on the god business, and also he didn’t want me declaring my undying love for you.”

  “What is it with you gods?” she said wearily. “Can’t you keep your passions, or at least your hands, to yourselves?”

  “Now, Valeria, honey…” began Henry, but Bubbles starting hissing and he decided that silence was the better part of valor.

  “I don’t want to put no damper on your religious beliefs, Miss Valeria, ma’am,” I said, “but someone’s got to be the one to let you know that Henry here ain’t no god.”

  “That’s a fine time to tell us,” she said angrily, “after we’ve been worshipping him for fifteen years and giving him a steady supply of virgins.”

  “You got that many young women around here?” I said. “I sure didn’t see ‘em on the way in.”

  “When we ran out of girls we gave him cows,” she answered. “He was usually so drunk he didn’t know the difference.”

  “I know they didn’t jabber all night,” said Henry sullenly.

  “Before I let Bubbles keep him, how do you know he’s not a god?” she asked.

  “Can he bring rain?” I said. “Can he make seven passes in a row at the craps table? Can he turn water into Napoleon brandy? How many winners can he pick if the track comes up muddy?”

  “Those are all godly qualifications?” she asked.

  “The bringing rain one’s just a trick, but the others are all legitimate,” I said. “Hell, even minor league gods like Zeus and Jupiter can do most of them things.”

  “I see,” she said, glaring at Henry. “My people have been a victim of false doctrine.”

  “Well, then it’s only just and fitting that I was guided to this here lost continent to bring you the Word,” I said, “me being the Lord’s business agent, so to speak.”

  “What will we do with him?” she asked, indicating Henry, who was starting to shiver even though it was shorts and sandals weather.

  “You’re not going to listen to this charlatan, are you?” demanded Henry. “I am a god, goddamn it! I’m Rakovekin, Lord of the Outer Realm, Messenger of the Almighty, Spokesman for the Elder Deities, Commander of the Legions of the Dead, Defender of…”

  “You’re not going to list all 38 titles, are you?” she asked in bored tones.

  “I got an idea, ma’am,” I said. “Let him rassle Bubbles two out of three falls. If he’s a god he shouldn’t have no trouble winning.”

  She looked like she was considering it, and finally nodded her approval. “I see no reason why not.”

  “Well I see one,” complained Henry. “How can I pin something what ain’t got no shoulders? I can’t give him no full nelson or stepover toe-hold, because he ain’t got no arms nor legs neither.”

  She turned to me. “Lucifer, have you an answer?”

  “Since Bubbles ain’t got no arms, he can’t put no Mongolian death grip on you,” I said to Henry. “And he ain’t likely to trip you or kick you when you’re down. As I see it, that makes it a fair fight.”

  “If it’s a fair fight, you can book my bet,” said Henry. “I want to put fifty dollars on the snake.”

  “I’m happy to book it,” I said, “long as you understand that I’m giving seven thousand to one on Bubbles. If you win, I’ll owe you a little less than a penny.”

  “See?” he said to Valeria. “That proves it ain’t a fair fight!”

  “Miss Valeria,” I said, “I put it to you: couldn’t a real god beat them odds?”

  “I think you have a point, Lucifer,” she replied.

  “And if he comes his hair just right maybe no one’ll notice it,” said Henry bitterly.

  “Come on now, Henry,” I said, “there ain’t no cause to get riled just because you lost fair and square.”

  “I ain’t lost nothing yet!” he yelled.

  “That’s because you ain’t rassled Bubbles yet,” I said. “But you already lost the love and respect of the delicate frail flower what won my heart the second I seen her.”

  “She’s mine!” he roared.

  “She’s already guv you everything she’s got except her crown and a couple of armbands,” I said. “Ain’t that enough?”

  “To hell with the snake!” he said. “I’ll rassle you for her!”

  I turned to Valeria. “You gonna let him insult your snake like that, ma’am?”

  She frowned. “He did insult Bubbles, didn’t he?”

  “It was a slip of the tongue!” said Henry, backing away. “I didn’t mean nothing by it. I think Bubbles is the nicest, pleasantest, friendliest, most beautiful representative of all the hellborn man-eating critters I ever met!”

  “That’s it!” snapped Valeria. “Bubbles?”

  Bubbles kind of snapped to attention, as much as a 25-foot-long killer snake can anyway, and waited for her orders.

  “He’s all yours.”

  Henry didn’t waste no breath screaming or cursing. He just turned and lit out like Jesse Owens, and Bubbles took off after him like Man o’ War but without the legs and the jockey. Henry was still leading by a couple of lengths as they swung around a stand of trees and was lost to sight.

  “I thank you for all your help, Lucifer,” said Valeria, “but now we are without a god.”

  “I think we can fix that without no undue effort, Miss Valeria, ma’am,” I said.

  “How?” she asked with a eager little tremor of excitement.

  Well, let me tell you, when you’re built like Valeria and you ain’t wearing naught but a crown and some gold armbands, and a tremor sweeps over you, even a eager little one, it just naturally is going to have a positive effect on any nearby menfolk. It’s positive effect on me was that I was positive I wanted to spend the rest of my life within arm’s reach of that gorgeous body, except when answering calls of nature or playing cards with the boys once I taught ‘em the intricacies of poker and figured out what a bunch of naked savages had to bet.

  “Easy,” I answered. “I ran old Henry out of here, with a little help from your snake, so I figger that makes me an even greater god than he was.”

  “But he wasn’t a god at all,” she said. “You proved it.”

  “Then no matter what kind of god I am, I’m a greater one than he was,” I said with impeccable logic. “Now, I figger if you and me get hitched, that’ll elevate you to the status of apprentice goddess, so the people’ll be twice as happy with twice as many gods to worship, and it’ll give ‘em a purpose in life, which’ll be to gather food and drink and firewood for us while we’re getting to know each other better.”

  “It’s tempting,” she said with a little flutter of emotion, and let me tell you her flutters put her tremors in the shade. “But we have been fooled once already. We must be sure you are truly a god before I agree to become your consort.”

  I was about to tell h
er that I didn’t want her to become my consort and would settle for her becoming my ladyfriend, but she looked like she had her mind made up, so I asked her what kind of godly test she had in mind for me, adding that I didn’t do no heavy lifting because I’d pulled a muscle or two tossing the moon into orbit, and also that I didn’t speak Sumarian, Aramaic, French, or no other nonsense languages.

  “We must devise a proper test for your divinity,” said Valeria. She lowered her head in thought for a moment, then looked up. “I suppose if you can swim across a piranha-filled river and live through it, that would prove you were an immortal.”

  “I’m allergic to water,” I said. “How about a spelling bee?”

  “Or perhaps if each man were to hurl his spear at you, point-blank, and they all bounced off…”

  “Ping-pong,” I suggested. “I’ll take on all comers at ping-pong.”

  “Or we could cover you with marabunta.”

  “What’s marabunta, ma’am?” I asked. “Something like peanut butter?”

  “Army ants.”

  I never knew that a beautiful naked High Priestess could be so bloodthirsty and single-minded all at the same time.

  “I wish I could accommodate you, Miss Valeria, ma’am,” I said, “but you got to understand that no two gods are alike. We’re as different as baseball players and pole vaulters and shoe salesmen.”

  “And what makes you a god?” she asked.

  “Well,” I said after some thought, “I play a mighty mean game of tiddly winks.”

  “Tiddly winks?” she repeated. “I have never heard of it.”

  “Darn,” I said. “I guess that means I can’t prove my godliness to you. I suppose you’ll just have to take my word for it and move in with me. If you want to bring a couple of them lesser priestesses to act as cooks and housemaids, that’ll be okay too.”

  “I really feel we must end all controversy before it begins, Lucifer,” she said.

  “You’re looking at this all wrong,” I explained. “Let ‘em controverse for a few years and get it out of their systems. In the long run it’ll do ‘em a world of good.”

  “It will?”

  “Sure,” I said. “Now instead of falling asleep right after a few hours of connubial bliss, we’ll make it a law that they have to spend an hour a night discussing whether or not I’m a god. That’s probably a lot more than most husbands and wives ever spend talking to each other after they tie the knot.”

  She stared at me kind of funny-like. “I can believe all gods are different. You sound nothing like Henry.”

  “Well,” I said condescendingly, “you know them New Jersey gods.”

  “I shall have to think about this,” she said.

  “Fine,” I said. “We can talk about it right after you and me consummate our godly relationship. In fact, now that I think about it, I just remembered that I ain’t got no apartment here, so I reckon I’ll move into yours.”

  She shook her head. “No, I think it best that you keep your distance until this matter is resolved.”

  “But Miss Valeria, ma’am, this is one of the best ways I know to prove my godliness.”

  “What are you talking about?” she demanded.

  I leaned over and whispered what I was talking about into her ear, then stood back with a triumphant smile. “Now be honest,” I said as her face turned a bright red, “could any mortal man do that?”

  I saw the slap coming, but I couldn’t duck it.

  “In answer to your question,” she said with as much dignity as a naked High Priestess could muster on the spur of the moment, “no mortal man would ever be allowed to do that or even suggest it.”

  “So that solves it and now I don’t have to prove I ain’t a mortal man?” I asked, rubbing my jaw where she’d loosened a tooth or two.

  “Now you have to prove that you’re not a demon from the pits of hell,” she answered.

  She put two fingers in her mouth and whistled, and suddenly the temple was filled with all them men what had been busy worshipping Henry when I arrived, and I found myself facing the business ends of a bunch of spears.

  “You’re going about this all wrong, Miss Valeria,” I said. “If I’m a demon I’m gonna kill all your spear-toting friends and relations here, and if I’m not they’re going to kill me and you’re going to feel just awful about having made such a mistake.”

  She stared at me. “If I’m wrong I don’t believe I’ll lose a minute of sleep over it.”

  “Being a compassionate god or demon, I just can’t countenance such bloodshed,” I said. “I’ll tell you what: I’ll rassle one of ‘em. If I win, everyone admits I’m a god, or at least a demon what’s a hell of a good rassler, you move in with me, and they all agree to worship me.”

  “And if you lose?”

  “Then I’ll take your solid gold armbands as a romantic remembrance and be on my lonely and heartbroken way.”

  Whilst we’d been talking, the whole population of Moo had shown up and kind of gathered around us in a big circle, and a guy who must have been seven feet tall and almost as wide stepped forward. “Let me be the one to fight him, High Priestess!” he shouted.

  Pretty soon half a dozen other guys, who all looked like the first one’s bigger, stronger, nastier older brothers were begging for the chance to face me in hand-to-hand combat.

  “You are all splendid example of our race,” said Valeria. “I find it difficult to make a choice.” She turned to me. “Lucifer, I will allow you to choose your opponent.”

  “You’re sure?” I said. “I mean, once I choose, you promise you won’t go back on your word?”

  “The word of the High Priestess is absolute law,” she said.

  “Okay,” I said. “I choose you.”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “You heard me,” I said. “You told me I could choose my opponent in this here rasslin’ match. I choose you.”

  “But I meant…”

  “And you told me in front of everyone that the word of the High Priestess was in purple.”

  “Inviolate,” she corrected me. Then she turned to the assembled warriors and priestesses and lesser beings. “I gave my word.” She took her crown off and handed it another gorgeous naked lady who I guessed was her Vice High Priestess.

  The crowd formed kind of a circle around us. I’d have took off my shirt, but I’d been wearing it so long it was kind of stuck to me, so I just spit on my hands, rubbed ‘em together, and got ready for the referee to ring the bell.

  It was when Valeria punched me in the stomach that I realized that we didn’t have no referee nor no bell, and when she sunk her teeth into my ear I figgered out that we didn’t have no rules neither.

  I pulled back, leaving some ear in her mouth, and we started circling around each other. Then she reached out to grab me, and I reached out to grab her, and a second later she slapped my face again.

  “Don’t do that!” she snapped.

  I didn’t know whether to apologize or tell her to protect herself in the clinches, so I settled for circling around her again and grabbing a little lower this time, which just got me another slap in the face.

  “Damn it, Lucifer, are you wrestling me or molesting me?”

  Before I could answer she launched herself through the air at me, and I fell over backward with her on top of me. After that things happened real fast for the next few seconds, and then she slapped me yet again.

  “No kissing!” she yelled.

  I grabbed ahold of her left wrist with my right hand and her right wrist with my left hand. She wrapped her legs around my waist and started squeezing the air out of me, and while she was doing that she wrapped her other legs around my ankles so’s I couldn’t move, which surprised me because up until that very moment I’d thunk she only had two legs.

  Then she wrapped some more legs around my thighs, and then I heard her legs starting to hiss, and I realized that Bubbles had decided his mistress was in trouble and had come on over to protect her.r />
  “Foul!” I yelled.

  “What are you talking about?” she grated. “I haven’t done anything to you yet.”

  “You get that snake off’n me or I’m gonna bring my godly wrath down on both your heads!” I said.

  She twisted around to see what I was talking about.

  “Bubbles!” she cried. “Go back to your dog house!”

  Bubbles looked plaintively at her.

  “Now!”

  Bubbles gave my legs one final squeeze for good measure and crawled off.

  Valeria watched him slither off, and since her attention was took elsewhere, I gave her a delicate little pinch in a delicate little place to see if I could encourage her to get off me, and all I can tell you is that if basketball players could jump like that they’d have to give serious consideration to raising the hoop to maybe twelve or fifteen feet.

  As for me, I figgered if I got up she’d just knock me down again, and if I actually put any hold on her, she’d either slap my face (depending on where the hold was) or Bubbles would come hissing and sliding to her rescue again, so I reasoned that the best thing was to stay right on the ground where I was.

  “Get up, Lucifer!” she snarled. “I’m going to tear you to pieces!”

  “I can’t,” I said. “Your snake done busted up my legs.”

  “I didn’t hear anything break,” she said.

  “Muscles don’t make as loud a snapping sound as bones do,” I said. “But if you wanted this to be a fair fight in front of your people, we’re gonna have to postpone it until I got my legs back under me.”

  “All right,” she said reluctantly. “But if you’re lying…”

  “Gods ain’t capable of lying,” I said, crossing my heart.

  “I’d have sworn there were a lot of things gods weren’t capable of before I got in the ring with you,” she said bitterly.

  “I suppose that means you don’t want to kiss and make up?”

  She just glared at me and then ordered a couple of the bigger guys who had wanted to rassle me to carry me over to the altar, where I’d have room to lie down and stretch my feet out. One of them pulled his knife out and turned to her.