"I'm just having some general growing up issues. I'm having a little trouble with my parents," she said as she stalled for time. "And I think I might have some issues with my sexual orientation," she finally got out.
"Okay, I know a lot of people that could probably help you. Is cost a factor?"
"No, not really," she admitted.
"Do you have a preference for any particular type of therapist, like a psychiatrist or a psychologist?"
"No. I just want someone I can relate to," she said.
"Do you care if it's a man or a woman?" she continued.
"I think I'd like a woman," she blushed as she heard her double entendre.
Linda grinned back at her and looked through her address book, finally jotting down 3 different names. "I'm going to refer you to a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a clinical social worker. They're all good and I think you would like each of them. You can set up an appointment with each if you would like to interview them or you can just pick one. Do whatever feels comfortable, Jamie."
"Is there one of these women that you would recommend more highly than the others?"
"I know the psychologist pretty well. So I would say I know her style the best. I suppose she would be my pick," Linda replied.
"Thanks a lot Linda. I really appreciate your input."
"Any time, Jamie. If you ever need to chat on a non-therapeutic basis, I'd be happy to. I hope things work out well for you." Jamie reached for the note but Linda held onto it tightly, drawing Jamie's eyes to hers. "One piece of advice," she said quietly. "You can never make a mistake by being who you really are, no matter how scary the truth might seem."
Jamie nodded briefly and took the names from the professor. They shared a quick smile as Jamie left the office.
On Tuesday evening Ryan finished preparing the simple dinner that she and Conor were going to share. He finished setting the table and came back into the kitchen to help carry their plates to the dining room. "Boy, Tracy sure looked good on Sunday," he said appreciatively. "She looks fabulous in that dark brown color. You should have her wear that color more often."
"I don't think I get to have input any more," she said as she carried the last of the dishes into the room. "We broke up this afternoon."
"What? I thought you were serious about her?" He had stopped in the center of the room, a big plate of pasta held in one strong hand.
"I was. But I finally realized that she wasn't 'the one'. So rather than wasting her time I told her the truth."
"How did she take it?" he asked, remembering some of his more disastrous break ups.
"Fine. Actually a little too fine," she admitted with a smirk. "She told me she loved me on New Years Eve so I thought this would be hard on her. But she took it like a trooper."
"That's kind of weird," he agreed. "But why did you break up with her? She was pretty, smart, funny and very sexy. Well, she looked sexy," he grinned. "But you'd know better than I."
"She was all that," Ryan agreed. "But she didn't really like the amount of time I spend with the family. She said she loved me but she wasn't ready to love my whole family."
"What is she, some kind of psycho?" he teased. "What's not to love?"
"That's how I feel," she agreed with a smile. "But she was pretty reserved. I think we were a little overpowering for her when we were all together. And I quickly noticed that she doesn't like to be teased. And as you know you can't get through a dinner here without being teased 10 times!"
"Gee Ryan, did we contribute to your breakup? If you would have told us we would have laid off the teasing."
"Nope. That's not the kind of woman I want. I can't be with someone that I have to be so careful with. But you know, if she had told me that she wanted to work on being more comfortable around you guys I would have made some concessions. But she just wanted to maneuver me into spending less time at home. And that was just not going to happen," she said firmly.
Conor looked at her for a moment and said, "It's too bad Jamie's straight. She would be perfect for you."
"Really? I thought she was perfect for you," she dryly observed.
"Yeah, but I've never gotten any vibes from her. She treats me like an older brother. How about you? Any vibes?" he asked, mostly because he was interested, but partly to protect his $50 bet with Rory.
"Umm," she started to say but her cheeks were rapidly blushing.
"I thought so," he said slowly. "You two were acting awfully friendly when we went bowling together. So what are you going to do about it?"
"Well, she did a little something about it last week. But it was nothing huge," she said defensively. "She got a little tipsy on her birthday and she kissed me. But we both just acted like it didn't happen."
"Again, what are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing," she said quickly. "I have a firm policy not to date good friends. And Jamie is the best friend I have. I couldn't stand to lose her companionship."
"You know, Ryan, I'm certainly not the best person to give relationship advice but maybe you should change that policy."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you claim you're ready to find a real girlfriend. Why not get rid of 6 months of work and date someone you already know? You were with Tracy for 4 months before you found out she didn't have some vital requirements. If you tried to make it work with a friend you could concentrate on the love and sex parts instead of having to get to know one another."
"That might be a good idea in theory, but given my record all I would succeed in is losing her as a friend as well as a lover."
"That's not being fair to yourself," he admonished her. "You haven't tried to have many steady girlfriends."
"That's true but I just don't think it's wise to even consider Jamie. She's ostensibly straight; she just broke up with her fiancée; and she's my best friend. That's an awful lot to overcome."
"But you do find her attractive, don't you?"
"I'm not blind, Conor," she laughed.
"So you would try to date her if you weren't friends, right?"
"I'd be on her like green on grass," she said with a sly grin.
"Well I still think you should consider what I said," he urged.
"Hmm, I'll give that some thought, Conor, but right now I've got to go make up for lost time," she said with a wildly waggling eyebrow.
"Hi, Ally," she said happily. "It's Ryan."
"Hey, gorgeous. Long time no see."
"I've been out of circulation for a few months. Do you have any interest in helping me get back in the saddle?"
"I'll be home by 8," she replied immediately.
"Should I bring anything?"
"Just a hearty appetite," she purred.
The next morning Jamie was waiting for Ryan after her 8 o'clock class. "I was going to ask you if you wanted to go get coffee, but I can see I'm too late," she said as she pointed at the empty 24 oz. cup in her friend's hand.
"I can use more," she said as she shook her head.
"Are you okay? I know you were planning on speaking to Tracy and I was concerned that it might be hard for you."
"No, actually we had lunch yesterday and we talked it all out. She admitted that she didn't really have an interest in being part of my extended family. She said that she wanted to have a relationship with me, but that she wasn't really ready for a big commitment thing. She said she probably doesn't want kids either, so my suspicions were correct"
"So how did you leave it?"
"Well," she blushed a little, "she was more than willing to have a little fling but for some weird reason it didn't feel right to me."
"Really?" she said happily. Maybe she's getting this serial dating out of her system. Oh please, oh please.
"Yeah, it was really weird. Once I decided that I wanted a committed relationship with her just having sex didn't seem that appealing. It felt like I would have been settling for something inferior."
"Wow," Jamie said. "Maybe you've really changed how you feel about sex.
Maybe you won't be satisfied without some substance in your encounters."
"I think that's a rush to judgment," she admitted with another blush.
"Why? Are you already planning for your next victim?"
"Um...I had a date last night," she admitted.
"Jeez, Ryan! You didn't break up with her until noon. How did you find someone to go out with in an afternoon?"
"I didn't really go out," she revealed. "I called my friend Ally and she um... helped me... ahh... make up for lost time."
"God, I bet Tracy would love to hear that!"
"She was really okay with breaking up, Jamie. As a matter of fact I got the impression that she was mainly interested in me to see if she could get me to be faithful. She was hardly broken up about it. It just made me realize that I can't merely look at a check list of what I want in a woman. There just has to be some chemistry there, and I don't think Tracy and I ever had that. We just really wanted different things from a relationship."
"I'm sorry if I sound judgmental, Ryan. I think I'm just projecting how I'd feel if Jack had a date on Sunday."
"I understand, Jamie. It's hard not to apply other situations to your own. But believe me, Tracy didn't cry herself to sleep last night."
"And you obviously didn't either," she said as she gave her a mock scowl.
"Oh, I cried," she teased. "I cried for mercy!"
Just after 8 a.m. Jamie and Ryan pulled into a parking space in Golden Gate Park. Jamie was riding in the back seat of Conor's big crew cab, playing with a giggling Caitlin. Ryan hopped out and came around to the rear passenger door, and began to busily unstrap the baby from her car seat. When she was released Jamie held her while Ryan climbed into the bed of the truck by holding on to the top rail, stepping on the top of the big tire and throwing her leg over the rail. She picked up one bike at a time, lowering each to the ground to rest against the truck. Then she picked up the lime green baby carrier and did the same.
She spent a few minutes attaching the carrier to her bike, after playfully attempting to stick it on to Jamie's. When everything was set they all put on their helmets. Jamie and Ryan laughed for a long while when Caitlin kept trying to see what was on her head by looking straight up. She finally satisfied her curiosity by reaching for the helmet repeatedly with her little hands. The baby had just celebrated her 6 month birthday and she was going to be put to the test. She had been in the carrier many times but the last time she was quite a bit smaller and Ryan was certain she did not remember the experience.
Caitlin was not at all sure that she wanted to get into the carrier by herself. She made some very serious baby faces but finally began to smile as Ryan started to pedal. The wind whipped by her little head and she giggled from the sensation of the movement and the gentle bouncing of the carrier on the pavement. Jamie stayed behind for a while to make sure that the baby was enjoying the experience.
"She's loving it, Ryan!" she happily said as she came up alongside her companion. She continued this little switch for a long time. A few minutes behind or next to Caitlin, chatting with the happy infant and laughing at her joyous face; then a few minutes next to Ryan, excitedly describing the baby's antics.
They rode through every available road in the park. After a good hour they both needed a rest. They left the park and rode a very short distance to a coffee house. Although they had eaten breakfast, they were both hungry now that it was after 9 a.m. Jamie offered to buy and she waited in line while Ryan took the baby to the restroom to check her diaper. When they returned, changed and happy, Jamie was waiting for them at a table in front of the window. Since Jamie was left to her own devices she had purchased 2 cranberry scones, a poppy seed muffin and a big cinnamon roll. Two very large lattés waited alongside the food. "Jamie, you're finally starting to catch on," Ryan said appreciatively. "You can never order too much."
While Jamie ate her scone Ryan polished off the remaining 3 items. Caitlin sucked on her bottle and observed the other patrons from her resting place on Ryan's lap. Ryan looked at Jamie thoughtfully and asked, "How did it feel to be back in the park?"
"It felt okay," she replied after she took a minute to think. "I'm not sure how I would feel if we were sitting down like we were then. And I don't think I could relax enough to sleep," she admitted.
"How do you feel about testifying?" she continued. "It's coming up pretty soon."
Jamie was well aware that they were scheduled to testify at the trial of her attacker in 2 weeks. "It's kind of weird for me. I mean I didn't see him until after it was over, and he was unconscious, thanks to you." She shivered a bit as she said," I'm not nervous about the actual trial or anything, but I don't like to have to talk about the whole thing."
"I know what you mean. It's not my favorite thing to think about either," she said slowly.
"Does it still bother you, Ryan? I mean, I know you had trouble sleeping for a while. Are you okay now?" she asked gently as she touched Ryan's hand.
"I'm mostly fine," she said. "Every once in a while I have a flashback though. It still scares me a little bit," she conceded.
"Tell me what bothers you," Jamie coaxed her friend.
"I flash back to the helpless feeling that I had when I thought he was going to drag you into the woods. I knew I couldn't put the baby down in case he was working with someone. It might have been a ruse to steal Caitlin," she smiled down at the gurgling baby on her lap. "But I also knew that I couldn't take her with me if I had to run after you. I couldn't risk getting her injured," she shook her head at the memory. "It was just the most awful feeling of powerlessness. I knew I could stop that guy in a second but I couldn't risk it, " she said as she stared at her hands. "I don't think I could have lived with myself if he had hurt you, Jamie," she said softly.
Jamie smiled at her in sympathy. "Sometimes I forget that this whole thing is probably harder on you than it is on me," she said gently. "You saw everything and you had to make the hard decisions." She gripped Ryan's hand now, "If anything had happened, it would not have been your fault, Ryan. You did everything just perfectly. When you are trusted with the care of a child she has to come first. I would have been very angry with you if you had not secured her safety first. But you know, I'm still impressed by the hurt you put on him. Tell me about your training."
"When I was about 12 I started taking martial arts. Da was worried about me, justifiably, as it turns out. I ran around all over the city on my skateboard and I had many opportunities to get into trouble. I studied for about 6 years and I was pretty good," she reflected. "I haven't had to use it in a long while, but I did teach a kick boxing class at my old gym."
"You know, I might feel more confident if I learned some self defense. What do you think?" Jamie asked.
"I think that anything that empowers a person is a good idea," she replied. "That would help your physical preparedness. But what about your emotional health? Have you considered talking about it to anyone else?" Ryan asked.
"Funny you should ask that," Jamie replied. "I had my first appointment with a therapist on Friday morning."
"To talk about the attack?" Ryan asked.
"Um... I guess that is a part of it. I need to talk about Jack and my parents and a bunch of stuff that's been on my mind."
'How did you decide to try this?" Ryan inquired.
"My grandfather actually persuaded me. He didn't like all of my weight loss and he thought that a therapist could help me be less nervous."
"Was he able to recommend someone to you?" she asked.
"Um, actually I asked Professor Levy for a referral. I mean, I know she knows people in Berkeley so I thought it would be easier."
"So, what did you think? Did you like him or her?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah, I did like her. Her name is Anna Fleming and she seems pretty cool. She's down on Telegraph by Andronico's."
"I hope she can help you get rid of some of your stress," Ryan said as she patted her hand. Just then Caitlin let out a yell that drew the attention of the ent
ire store. "I think Caitlin has been still long enough. Ready to go?"
"Yep, let's go."
As they rode along Jamie brought her bike alongside Ryan for a little while since Caitlin was sound asleep in her carrier. "Have you ever been in therapy, Ryan?"
"Yeah. I've had short term counseling a couple of times to get me through some rough periods. After my cousin Michael died I had a really hard time. He and I had always been close, but we got a lot closer during his illness. I tried to go see him every day after school and help out in any way that I could. I think I believed that if I worked hard enough, and we all did everything possible that we could save him. In retrospect I think I was re-experiencing the trauma of my mother's death." She looked over at Jamie with her big blue eyes clouded over with grief. "I had a hard time eating or sleeping for a long time. Da didn't know what to do, but luckily someone from the S.F. Aids Foundation referred us to a grief workshop for kids. I went for almost a year. I can't tell you how helpful it was to talk to other kids who had lost someone to AIDS. Most of the others had lost a parent, and some of them had lost both parents."
"God, I can't imagine how horrible that would be. To watch your parents just waste away," Jamie said empathetically. "Wasn't it tough to listen to that?"
"Yeah, it was really hard. But some weeks the only peace I got was at that meeting. It was one of the most worthwhile things I've ever participated in."
"I'm really glad it was available to you," Jamie said. "I hope therapy works for me, but I guess it will take a while to adjust to it."
"I'm glad you've decided to do it, Jamie. You've had an incredibly stressful year and it just makes sense that you might need some help to get through it."
"You've helped me more that I can say, Ryan. You've really been my rock and I thank God every day that I have your friendship."
"I do that too," Ryan admitted with a shy grin.
"What?" Jamie asked.
"I thank God for your friendship every day," she said. "You're part of my roster now."
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