Awakenings - SF1

by Meagher, Susan X

  "You look great," he said as his eyes slowly moved up and down her body, taking her in fully.

  "So do you," she agreed as she surveyed his crisply pressed charcoal gray slacks, and bright white oxford cloth shirt with very thin navy blue and yellow lines running through it, creating a wide plaid. "Thanks for coming down, Mia," she said as she forced her eyes away from him to glance at her smirking friend.

  "Anytime," she replied lightly as she leaned over to kiss her cheek on the way back upstairs. "Have fun, you two."

  They watched her go and looked back at each other a little awkwardly. "Did you get reservations?" she asked to break the tension.

  "They were booked," he said with a slight frown. "But I remembered that nice little place in the City that we went to with your parents a couple of years ago. So I made reservations for 8 o'clock at café Mozart."

  Jamie was rather stunned by this development. Café Mozart was a lovely little place but it was most definitely a romantic setting. The restaurant could only handle around 50 people but the tables were set well apart to allow for quiet, intimate conversation in the intimately lit space. "O...Okay," she managed to get out. "I guess we'd better go then."

  He helped her on with her coat and grabbed his navy blazer, shrugging into it with his casual, graceful movements. He led her to his little sedan and held the door open for her, waiting until she was safely inside to close the door.

  As he got in he looked over at her, once more locking eyes. "Thanks for agreeing to see me," he said softly. "I can't tell you how good it is to see you again." He blinked slowly and she allowed the sensations to fully enter her brain. He was just a foot or so away and she could see the smoothness of his cheek where he had obviously recently shaved. He smelled of a subtle after shave, likely one of the ones she had bought for him. His dark blonde eyelashes framed his blue eyes attractively, giving him an almost delicate, boyish look. But the intense gaze he fixed her with was anything but childlike.

  Oh boy, I'm in trouble here, she mused as he smiled and started the car.

  They relaxed at the small table, waiting for the waiter to bring them the bottle of wine that Jack had confidently ordered. He seems more mature, more sure of himself, she mused as she watched him place both of their orders with the attentive server.

  After their wine was delivered Jack touched the rim of her glass with his own as he toasted, "To self awareness," he said with a twinkle in his eye. He took a deep sip of the golden colored Chardonnay and said, "I've given more thought to our relationship and the problems that we had than I can ever remember devoting to any topic. And do you know what I've decided?"

  She shook her head rather dully, her eyes never leaving his lips.

  He leaned over slightly and enunciated each word. "You...were...right," he said simply. As she blinked slowly he quickly followed up. "You were right about how I had come to take you for granted. You were right about how unfair it was for me to be jealous of your friendships. You were right about my failing to see who you were and how you had changed." His voice lowered and he blushed adorably as he added, "You were even right about how one sided our sex life had been." He lifted his head quickly, as a cascade of sandy blonde hair tumbled into his eyes. "You were right about everything, Jamie. And I'm here tonight to ask for a second chance."

  His eyes had not wavered from her eyes and hers had not wavered from his lips. Her heart heard his sincere apology but her head could not process the information. He was validating all of those months of struggle...agreeing with every point she had ever made...and it was just too much. Her hand reached rather blindly for her wine glass, grasping it firmly and lifting it to her lips to swallow a great deal of the contents down in one gulp. "I...I'm," she tried to get out. "I'm...amazed," she honestly replied.

  "I don't doubt it," he said gently as he tenderly pried her hand from her glass and grasped it in his own warm one. "I never gave you much reason to think I was much for reflection," he said with a rather derisive chuckle.

  "But why...?" she began but he immediately answered.

  "You're just too valuable to let you get away without fighting for," he said decisively. "It's like throwing away a fistful of diamonds because you don't like the cut." He sat back in his chair, still gazing deeply into her eyes.

  She let his words sink in for a moment, relishing the sincere compliment with a gentle smile on her face. It was exactly what she had wanted to hear him say for the past year. To acknowledge that she had been a very willing and receptive partner and that it was he who had the problem...it was he who had been wrong...it was he who caused her to look to Ryan for emotional sustenance. Yes! Sweet Jesus, yes! she cried to herself. I didn't try to find someone else. He pushed me into it!

  She gazed up at his sincere, warm blue eyes and said, "That means so much to me." She was struggling with her emotions but he just held her hand more firmly and maintained his smile.

  "Will you give me another chance?" he asked softly, still holding her gaze.

  She blinked slowly and took a deep breath. Anna's words came back to her and she paused for a moment, letting herself feel the deep sense of relief and joy that his words had caused. "Yes," she said simply. "Yes, I will."

  On the way back to Berkeley she found her hand automatically drift over to rest upon his muscular thigh. He gazed over at her and gave her an encouraging grin, reaching down to gently pat her hand. She could hear the deep breath that he took, smiling to herself as he said, "That feels so absolutely right."

  And she had to admit that it did feel right. This was exactly where 21 years of conditioning had led her. To the strong, secure embrace of a young professional who would love her and the children they would have together. Someone her parents and her grandfather would be proud to introduce in public. Someone that she could build a life with along with the full approval of society at large. She would never have to learn those painful lessons Ryan had told her about. She would never have to see the glares and snickers directed at her that they had suffered at the Tea Room. She would never have to explain to her children that mommy loves mommy and that the other children just don't understand. Wow, that was a big one, she thought as she blew out a breath. She actually felt a moment of compassion for Ryan. She has no choice, she thought sympathetically. But I do. I really do! And if I can love and be loved by a man I'm sure she would rather have that for me. She wants what's best for me, doesn't she? Surely she'd rather that I live with society's approval.

  But even though she reasoned that her friend would support her she just didn't want to see her this weekend. "Jack? I think I'll go down to my parents tonight. Would you like to spend some time together this weekend?"

  "Absolutely," he replied without hesitation. "I've done a lot of thinking about school too, Jamie. I'm not going to let it run my life any longer. I've already got a job and a clerkship lined up. What am I trying to prove at this point?" he asked rhetorically.

  "Wow," she said slowly. "You have changed."

  "I have," he said firmly. "In many, many ways." He placed his hand atop hers and squeezed it affectionately. "And I'll change in any other way that you need, Jamie. I'll do anything to make this work."

  He insisted on waiting for her to pack a few things so he could follow her down to Hillsborough. She found it odd but also touching that he was so concerned with her safety so she graciously allowed him the honor of escorting her.

  She could see his headlights right behind her on the whole trip and she found that it was, in fact, reassuring to see him there. She called her parents from the road but there was no answer...not an unusual result given their active lives. But when she rang the bell Marta informed her that her father was down in L.A. for business and that her mother had decided to go with him at the last minute. Marta was surprised and appeared pleased to see Jack with her but she followed protocol and quickly disappeared after offering to bring them a drink. They both accepted her offer and sat on the large sofas in the living room sipping cognac a little nervousl
y.

  After a few minutes Jack looked at her and asked, "Do you mind if I sit next to you?"

  She just patted the cushion next to herself and smiled at him as he smoothly stood and switched places. They spoke casually about their respective school terms and he pointedly asked her about the ride in great detail. Ryan was not even off topic as he asked Jamie about Ryan's training and how they were working together. She bent to place her nearly empty glass on the table and when she sat back up his arm was loosely around her shoulders. She found that she liked the sensation and leaned against him, letting out a sigh that seemed to have been building for ages. He turned his head and gently kissed the top of her head in a friendly, affectionate manner. Almost unconsciously she found her head turning and then tilting upwards as she opened her mouth to accept his warm lips. Oh God, she moaned to herself. I forgot how good it felt to kiss him. God! I've missed this! She had in fact missed the tender intimacies with a lover. She had missed the casual way they had grown to know each other's bodies and the natural way they meshed together when they kissed. It was a heady, thrilling discovery as her hormones kicked in fully and she felt herself growing aroused. The deep, intense kisses were having an identical effect on Jack. One that she could feel as he gently pulled her into his lap to continue his passionate assault. What could it hurt? she asked herself as her vulva began to throb. It will just be like picking up where we left off. But there was a tiny part of her that wanted some time to reflect before she dove right back in to this relationship. She knew this was a momentous decision and she felt that she needed more time.

  Obviously Jack had improved in his psychic abilities also because moments before she was going to halt the embrace he gently guided her back to an upright position. "I'm about to lose control," he whispered as he leaned his forehead against hers. "And I'm sure that you don't want to move this fast."

  She nodded demurely, now feeling that maybe she did want to go farther just to show she could change too. But he placed another soft kiss on her lips and stood with some difficulty. "I'll call you tomorrow," he promised as he stole one more kiss and quickly walked to the door, leaving her throbbing and frustrated.

  "Wow," was all that she could get out.

  The next morning she lay in bed for a very long while, just trying to be open to her feelings. She thought she was doing a pretty good job of it, but she found that she was really only able to concentrate on how she felt being with Jack again. Every time she tried to force herself to think of Ryan she felt her brain shut down and immediately turn to Jack again. But that didn't seem that odd to her at this point. It's been nearly a month since I've let myself think about him much, she reasoned. I have an awful lot of feelings to process about him.

  After a leisurely breakfast she spent some time in the living room casually looking through the plethora of neatly labeled photo albums that chronicled her childhood. Mother sure wasn't very good at being involved in my life but she was great at memorializing it, she thought wryly as she perused the books.

  The first book was labeled ë1978' and showed several photos of her mother and father looking very happy together as they anticipated the birth of their child. Catherine was a very small woman and she obviously did not gain much weight during her pregnancy. Her belly was very protuberant but she actually looked like she was wearing a balloon under her clothing since the rest of her body looked exactly like it had before she was pregnant.

  There were a number of shots of the shower that her mother's sorority sisters had thrown for her, the happy looking young women joining in the traditional rite of passage into motherhood. Jamie thought ahead to the future, picturing herself in a few years, surrounded by friends from high school and college, preparing to welcome her child into the world. It would be a far different experience if I was with Ryan, she thought wryly. For one thing, I'd have to get a whole new set of friends. Different parents wouldn't hurt either, she added with a grimace.

  Jesus! she thought grumpily. It's easy for her with that fabulous family! They would probably think it was great that she was going to have a baby with a woman! No matter how society treats her she always has her family to remind her of how special she is. But most of us don't get that. And I don't want to have to lose my family if I don't have to! she thought defiantly. And if Jack is serious about the changes he has made, I don't have to!

  Jack called a little after 10, obviously trying to be considerate if she wanted to sleep in. "Hi," he said happily. "What would you like to do today?"

  "Do?" she asked slowly, trying to understand his exact meaning.

  "Yeah...do," he said with a chuckle. "You know, like normal people. I've actually heard that some people venture outside during daylight hours."

  "You don't have to study?" she asked slowly.

  "Whether or not I have to isn't the issue," he declared. "I'm not going to so it's a moot point. Now where would you like to go? The Giants are in town, we could drive down to Santa Cruz and hang out on the beach; we could even drive over to Napa for the day. We could have an early dinner and still get home at a decent hour."

  She was silent for a minute, letting his words sink in. "You really have changed," she finally got out.

  His voice deepened as he replied, "I've changed a lot, Jamie. Our breakup made me look at my life in a very critical way. And I did not like what I had become."

  Her heart picked up a beat as she considered what this all meant. "Let's go to Napa," she said decisively. "Come on over and we'll take one of my parents cars."

  "I'll be there in 30 minutes," he promised. "Wear something that you'll be comfortable in at a nice restaurant."

  She hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment before she placed it on the table. Is it possible to do a brain transplant? That sure as hell did not sound like Jack!

  She decided on a casual print dress, short enough to show off her muscular legs but long enough to allow them to go to a nice place for dinner. The day was warm and she knew it would be warmer in Napa but she also brought a white knit wrap to keep her warm against the usually chilly evening.

  Jack was right on time and he happily accepted the keys to Catherine's new Mercedes. They left the top up while they were on the freeway but as soon as they crossed over into Marin Jack pulled over and lowered it. They had been chatting about his law review duties on the way over and even though he seemed interested in his topic he didn't seem as obsessed by it as he had before. As they neared Napa he gazed at her briefly and said, "I've been thinking a lot about my decision to clerk for a federal judge next year. It would be good for my career but if we're back together I don't think I can tolerate being too far from home. I'm going to do my best to secure a spot in Northern California but if I can't I think I may just go directly to Morris & Foster."

  Jamie nearly swallowed her tongue at this pronouncement. From the day she met him Jack had stated clear plans for his future, and clerking had been the keystone of those plans. To hear him casually dismiss this important step was absolutely stunning to her. "But why would you do that?" she finally got out.

  He glanced at her briefly, and then pulled over onto a little used access road. He turned in his seat and reached over and grasped her hand as he gazed into her eyes. "I explained to you last night that my priorities have changed, Jamie. Being away from you for a year is just not acceptable to me." He chuckled as he admitted, "I've been away from you for 7 weeks and it almost drove me crazy."

  She sniffed back her tears as she leaned against him, relishing the feel of his muscular torso, the spicy scent of his after shave and the rough starch in his crisp sky blue oxford cloth shirt. "That means a lot to me, Jack," she murmured softly.

  He lifted her chin and leaned over to place a gentle kiss on her lips. "You mean a lot to me, Jamie. Much more than I knew."

  She had been to Napa many times, but never with Jack. This was only his second trip, his first being when he was a young boy. He was very interested in the wine making process so they went on a tour of the C
hristian Brothers winery since that the was largest big production winery in the valley.

  It was so nice to walk along the tour, holding his large warm hand. As usual, he was focused on the details of the operation, something which didn't interest Jamie much. But she got a lot of enjoyment out of watching him try to digest the vast array of information that was fed to them. He asked several perceptive questions of their guide and she found herself smiling up at him as he spoke, admiring the clean, sharp planes of his face, and the bright, perceptive look in his eyes.

  Their tour group was a mix of ages but she noticed that the older couples continually gave them appreciative glances. One elderly woman in particular stole a glance repeatedly and Jamie mused that her interest would not be so benign if she were here with Ryan, holding hands and whispering into each other's ears. This is just so easy, she thought to herself. I won't have to endure the sharp glances and whispered taunts that have followed Ryan her whole life. She's so confident, and self assured that those things don't seem to bother her. But I'm not like that! I want people to like me and smile at me when I go places. I really like that people look at Jack and me with appreciative glances rather than hostility. Is that so wrong?!

  Their next stop was to the Schramsberg Winery for a nice little tour of their champagne caves. The winery was very cute and quaint and the tour they were part of was very small, only two other couples. The storage area for the filled bottles was quite cool since it was deep in the ground. Jack wrapped his long arm around Jamie's shoulders and she snuggled up against his body for the rest of the tour. She felt so warm and safe when he touched her like this, and she breathed in his scent with a lazy, contented feeling permeating her bones.