Awakenings - SF1

by Meagher, Susan X

  She arrived back in Berkeley at 2 o'clock, emotionally exhausted but very energized physically. A quick check of the list of messages in Mia's handwriting showed that Ryan had called twice. Does she keep tabs on all of her friends, or just me? she thought unhappily as she wadded up the note and tossed it into the trash.

  Chapter 16

  Monday afternoon found Ryan patiently waiting in the gym at 4 o'clock. Jamie made light of the weekend, mentioning that she had decided to go to Hillsborough and that she had forgotten to wear her phone.

  "Did you have a good time?" Ryan asked behind slightly hooded eyes.

  "Yeah, pretty good," she said absently. "Hey, let's work extra hard on my legs since I didn't ride this weekend."

  Ryan just nodded professionally, never asking why Jamie didn't give her prior notice that she would skip their Sunday ride. She was pretty much her normal self, but when they were done she just gazed at Jamie with an absolutely neutral expression on her face. They had been having dinner together at least 3 nights a week, usually on Monday, Wednesday and Friday after their training. But she made no mention of that as she shoved her hands in the pockets of her warm ups and continued with that penetrating gaze.

  The last thing Jamie wanted to do was talk about Jack at this point so she just smiled and said, "See you Wednesday, okay?"

  "Sounds good," Ryan said as her normally open face shut like a steel door.

  "I have never been so surprised by anything in my whole life!" Jamie nearly cried with elation as she recounted the events of the weekend to Anna.

  "Tell me about how you felt when he made the overture," Anna urged.

  "Just like I told you before," Jamie said with a touch of irritation. "I felt great! It was so validating to have him admit that he was in the wrong about so many things! It just made me feel great!"

  "And you accepted his offer immediately," Anna said, stating the obvious.

  "Well, yes! Why wouldn't I? He apologized for everything, Anna! I must not be making myself clear! He took away every issue that bothered me in our relationship. And he showed me in very concrete terms how willing he was to change. That's what really made me believe him."

  "He didn't take away every issue, Jamie," Anna reminded her. "He didn't take away Ryan."

  Jamie had to bite back a sharp retort. Anna obviously did not understand the gravity of Jack's actions but her slowness was beginning to irritate. "Anna," she said as patiently as she could, "He forced me to seek comfort and understanding from another person. I wouldn't have even noticed her if she had not been such a good listener. And I'm not accusing her of being opportunistic but I was in a really vulnerable space during all of this. She just filled a void that Jack should not have created!"

  "So you believe that your attraction to women was just a reaction?" she asked with one raised eyebrow.

  "I'm not attracted to women!" Jamie nearly shouted. "I was attracted to Ryan. Just Ryan. But if I can have a normal relationship there's no reason to even explore those feelings. I mean, what if Jack and I were married and I met a guy who I thought was just a tiny bit more compatible with me. I wouldn't explore that possibility. I would be committed to Jack and by its very nature that commitment precludes me from doing that. It's the same with Ryan. I might be able to have a sexual relationship with her, but how is that different from the scenario I just laid out? Just because I could love her doesn't mean I should! Besides, Ryan has never shown an ability to love one woman. I can't imagine anything worse than turning Jack down to be with her and have her find that she can't be monogamous! God, I'd kill myself!"

  "Well, our time is about up, Jamie," she said as she stared directly into her eyes. "But before Wednesday I think you should spend some more time thinking about this. Your life doesn't have to come down to a decision between these two people, either. Try thinking in terms of what you want from a person rather than Jack versus Ryan. Think of your attractions in general...the men and the women that you've been attracted to."

  "Well I can save the time," Jamie said confidently. "I've never been attracted to another woman. Ryan's the only temptation I've ever had. And if I can keep her as a friend I think I would have everything that I want."

  Just before she got into bed Jamie's cell phone rang. "Hello," she said as she fumbled with the flip up cover.

  "Hi," Jack's deep voice replied. "I wanted to make sure I got home in time to catch you before bed. How did I do?"

  "I was half in," she admitted. "So I'd say you did well. How was your day?"

  "Slow...very slow in fact. I was counting the hours until Friday when you come down." He paused a second and quickly said, "God! That was presumptuous of me! Do you want to see me this weekend, Jamie?"

  "Yes, of course I do," she replied.

  "Okay, would you like me to come up to Berkeley? I'd be happy to."

  "You would?"

  "Sure. Your house is lots nicer than my apartment. I'd be happy to stay with you. I don't even know how we got into the rut of you coming down here, anyway."

  "I'm not sure myself," she said slowly. "But I like to get away from my roommates for a while. So I'll come down there," she offered.

  "I still don't think I can wait until Friday," he mused. "How about dinner on Wednesday?"

  "Okay," she said, completely charmed by his neediness. "I'm busy until 6:30. Meet me here?"

  "Deal. I'll call you tomorrow," he said decisively. "I love you, Jamie."

  "I love you too, Jack." I really do, she thought as the happiness welled up in her chest.

  Wednesday afternoon was a replay of Monday except that Jamie kept up a constant dialog during their session. At the end she smiled at Ryan and said, "Gotta go, don't want to be late for therapy."

  But this time Ryan didn't even reply. She nodded almost imperceptibly and turned to start her own workout, leaving Jamie standing in the middle of the gym, alone.

  Her frustration was at the boiling point as she unloaded on Anna. "She acts like I owe her an explanation for my whereabouts! Just because we've had dinner together quite a few times does not mean that I'm obligated to do so does it?"

  But Anna recognized that this question was rhetorical so she wisely kept her opinion to herself.

  "She told me clearly that if I wanted to find a man she would support me totally! But now she acts so possessive! You should have seen her, Anna. She barely made eye contact with me!"

  "Tell me again what she told you when you made that overture to her."

  "She told me that if I wanted to be with men all I had to do was tell her and she would understand," she said with a glower.

  "You haven't upheld your end of the bargain, Jamie," she gently reminded her.

  "What?"

  "You haven't told her anything. You're rolling along as usual and all of a sudden you don't go on your bike ride, you don't answer your phone and you don't keep your normal dinner plans. You've told me how perceptive she is. Don't you think she knows something is going on?"

  "I shouldn't have to report every little thing," she scoffed.

  "Jamie, this isn't a little thing. You can obviously make your own choice but if you want to retain Ryan's trust I think you should at least tell her that you need some space. That would be much more generous than just ignoring her."

  Jamie took in a deep breath as she shook her head and grumbled, "This is why I've never had many close friends. They're too much trouble!"

  Jack showed up at 7 on the dot, carrying a big paper bag that emitted a delicious aroma. "I thought you'd be tired after running around all day. I remembered that you liked that Dim Sum place down by me, so I stopped and picked up dinner."

  "That is so sweet!" she cried as she tossed her arms around his neck. "Kitchen or dining room?" she asked as she led him into the kitchen to obtain plates.

  "How about your room? We can be a little more casual up there."

  She gave him a knowing grin but quickly acceded to his wishes.

  An hour and a half later they were sprawled ac
ross the loveseat. Her torso was on his lap with her legs spread wide, one over the back and one over the arm of the small piece, jeans and panties on the floor. His fingers were busily working away at her throbbing vulva, guided gently by her own hand. Their foreplay was so extensive that a few minutes of the soft stroking propelled her towards a very fulfilling orgasm. She had slid lower and lower on his lap and by the time she recovered her face was level with his painfully erect penis. "Can I help you with that, Mister?" she asked with a sly grin.

  "Much appreciated, Ma'am," he said as he grimaced and tried to unzip. She gently pushed his hands away and took over for him, feeling bolder as she proceeded. He lifted up and she pulled his jeans and shorts down fully, then lay right back down where she had been.

  She used her hands again but her mouth was so temptingly close that she could not help give him a few gentle kisses. She got a perverse thrill from his reaction, smiling broadly as his penis actually jerked rather dramatically at the sensation. The mere thought of her mouth on him was obviously arousing and he finished almost immediately, sinking back against the cushions of the loveseat, satiated and content.

  She knew that Ryan was generally free on Thursday evenings, so after her last class she paged her. It only took a few minutes for the return call. "Hi," she said rather neutrally. "What's up?"

  "Can we have dinner tonight?" Jamie asked hesitantly.

  "Um...let me think about that for a moment," Ryan replied. "Okay," she finally said, "I can do it."

  "If it's not convenient..."

  "No, I was just trying to remember what we were having since I'll have to eat it for lunch tomorrow," she said with a chuckle.

  "Are you sure?"

  "Yeah. You're worth cold pork chops. I'll be there in 15 minutes."

  "So..." Ryan said after they were seated at her favorite little Chinese restaurant on Telegraph. "Why did you want to see me?"

  "Gosh, can't I just want to have dinner with you?" she asked rather sharply.

  "Sure you can, you just haven't seemed to want to lately," Ryan replied as she leveled her gaze and stared right into Jamie's shifting green eyes.

  "I've uh...I've just had some things to do. I didn't know we had any plans that I was breaking," she said defensively.

  "We didn't," Ryan assured her as she reached over and covered her small hand with her own. "You just seem like something's bothering you and I've been concerned."

  "No, nothing's bothering me," Jamie assured her. "But I do have some interesting news to report." Ryan didn't reply verbally, but her eyebrows lifted in question. "Um...I've re-established contact with Jack," she said quickly, afraid of the look she would see in Ryan's eyes. But her friend either did not have a reaction or she was very good at hiding it. Ryan just tilted her head slightly and nodded, encouraging Jamie to continue.

  Ryan still held her hand while she maintained her gaze. A couple of guys, obviously students, walked by the table. The one in the lead muttered, "Dykes!" as they passed, much to the enjoyment of his friend. Jamie yanked her hand back roughly, shocking Ryan in the process. A look of quiet sorrow flashed across her handsome features, but she composed herself almost immediately without commenting on the men.

  Jamie couldn't bring herself to mention it either so she jumped into her reason for the dinner. "I'm ah...not sure where this will lead but he seems very sincere about changing the things that bothered me about our relationship."

  "That's encouraging," Ryan said absently as their food was delivered. She dug in immediately, savoring the spicy tastes as her attention was fully occupied. After several bites of everything she said rather flatly, "Tell me more if you want to."

  But Jamie did not feel safe with her tonight. She wasn't sure if Ryan had a barrier up or if she just didn't feel comfortable but she had said all she was willing to say. "Not much else. I'll let you know how it goes."

  "Do that," she said with a 10 watt smile.

  "Let me get the check, Ryan," Jamie said as she tried to tug the bill from her friend's hand when they were finished. The rest of the dinner was filled with periods of very stilted silence and Ryan slowly drove her crazy as she fixed her with a penetrating stare every time she looked up. But the dark, enigmatic woman had nearly nothing to say. Jamie had to carry the entire conversation and by the time they were done she was really ready to go home.

  "Not necessary," she assured her. "Your portion is $11.26," she added after a quick glance as she pulled her neatly folded bills from her side pocket.

  Jamie tossed $15.00 at her and quickly got to her feet. "Keep the rest for tip," she mumbled as she stumbled out the door, trying to stop the tears from flowing. Ryan quickly settled the bill and chased her down the street, having to grab Jamie's shoulder to slow her down.

  "Jamie, please stop and talk to me," she begged. But Jamie was resolute in her determination to hide her face from her friend. No matter how Ryan approached she turned her back quickly, brushing her aside with finality.

  "I tried to talk to you...that's why I asked you here tonight. I...I thought you'd be happy for me," she sniffed, still unable to face her.

  Ryan came up behind her back and silently wrapped her arms around her small waist. She leaned in close and closed her eyes as she felt her stiff body start to relax into the hug. "Jamie, I am happy for you if this is what you want," Ryan whispered. "It just hurt my feelings that you've been so distant. I swear I support your decision, no matter what you choose, but I don't want to lose you as a friend. You've been avoiding me for a week and it's really hurt my feelings," she admitted. "I'm sorry that I didn't hide that better."

  "You don't have to hide anything, Ryan," she tearfully assured her. She slowly turned in her embrace and rested her head on Ryan's chest. "I'm sorry," she sniffed. "I didn't mean to do that but I've just been feeling overwhelmed," she admitted.

  "That's what makes me your friend," she insisted. "I want to be there for you when you feel overwhelmed. Don't shut me out, Jamie." She looked down at her with pain-infused eyes and Jamie immediately felt disgusted with herself for doing just that.

  "I...I was afraid that you'd..."

  Ryan gripped her chin with her fingers and tilted her head up so she had to look into her eyes. "I want you to have what you want...what you need...I am your friend, Jamie. I meant what I told you. If you want to be with men I just want you to have the man who makes you happy. If that's Jack, I say good for him." Her eyes gave credence her sincerity but there was a tiny hint of sadness that was impossible for Jamie to ignore.

  She dropped her head again and nestled against Ryan's broad chest. "Thank you, " she whispered. "Thank you for being my friend."

  Friday afternoon found her once again in Anna's office, musing about her relationship with Ryan. "Thank God I was right about her," she said with relief. "She was very supportive and I really believe that she wants what's best for me."

  "She has been an extraordinary friend," Anna agreed.

  "Yeah, I haven't proven worthy of her a few times, but she always welcomes me back." She hesitated a moment and then told Anna, "I think I'm going to sleep with Jack this weekend."

  She just nodded noncommittally.

  "Do you think that's a good idea?" Jamie asked.

  "Hmm, do you really want me to make those decisions for you, Jamie?" she asked her seriously.

  "I guess not," she replied glumly. "I just wish I knew I was doing the right thing."

  "Right thing?"

  "Yeah. Am I sure I want to be back with him? Should I be certain before I sleep with him? All that stuff."

  "Have you tried to stay present and just let yourself feel your feelings?"

  "Yeah, I think I have, but it's sometimes hard for me to stop analyzing things."

  "That is hard," Anna agreed. "But it's the best advice I can give you, Jamie. Just open your heart and let your emotions guide you."

  Just to be safe she carried a box of condoms in her overnight bag. She knew she was over reacting a bit since she was still on the
pill but she was not sure that Jack had not been with anyone else during their hiatus and she did not really want to know if he had, so she thought it was best to make him think the condoms were a necessity. She also had not told her parents she was coming down, reasoning that she would just go over there if she didn't feel comfortable sleeping with him.

  Their dinner was a very pleasant affair. He had ordered carry outs that were waiting for her when she arrived. "I hate to see you spend your Friday evenings cooking for me," he said sweetly. "I know you have a long week too, and it just seems unfair."

  "You," she said as she tapped his nose, "are making a lot of brownie points with me, Mister."

  "I'm not trying to make brownie points, Jamie," he said with a sincere look on his face. "I'm just trying to be considerate."

  After dinner he proposed a walk in the neighborhood or even a movie. "No, I'd rather stay in and concentrate on you fully," she said with a smile.

  They relaxed together on the sofa, talking about their respective weeks. The time flew by as they sipped several glasses of cabernet, getting closer and closer until they were fully entwined. Jack placed their glasses on the coffee table and started to kiss and caress Jamie with a relentless intensity. He kissed her more and more passionately until she was squirming against his weight. "Let's go to bed," she murmured into his ear. He was on his feet in a nanosecond, tugging her up with him.

  When they reached the bedroom he tenderly undressed her, slowly running his hands over each part of her body as it was revealed. "You look so awesome, Jamie," he said in a nearly reverent voice. "Your body is so firm and sleek. The muscles really make you look hot," he whispered as he nibbled her neck.

  She spent a long time undressing him, gazing at his long, lean body with complete approval. She crossed the room and retrieved her bag, pulling the box of condoms from it with a flourish. "A whole box?" he said with a rakish look.