The Toddler Survival Guide

by Mike Spohr

  “THE TATTOO ARTIST”

  This toddler must be kept away from pens and markers because she sees her entire body as her canvas. Given the chance she will cover every inch of skin with modern art-esque doodles and her face with markings even Mike Tyson would describe as “a bit much.”

  “THE CHEF”

  This toddler doesn’t just eat food, he experiences it. Leave him unsupervised in the kitchen for even a minute and he will quickly cover himself in ketchup, mayo, orange juice, and lunch meat.

  “THE DESSERT LOVER”

  This toddler is similar to The Chef but will be on the lookout for sweets and sweets only. It doesn’t matter if the sweets are out of sight, she will find them. As a result, the area around her mouth is always stained with chocolate and her hands are sticky yet marvelous smelling.

  “THE PLUMBER”

  This toddler sees the bathroom as his playroom and goes there every chance he gets to endlessly flush the toilet and crawl around the toilet bowl. He loves to touch everything in a public bathroom, too, and smells like it.

  “THE MAKEUP ARTIST”

  This toddler is always scheming to get into her mother’s makeup bag, and can cover her entire body with lipstick, foundation, and mascara before her mother realizes things suddenly got “too quiet.”

  “THE ZOOLOGIST”

  This toddler loves holding lizards, frogs, roly-polies, worms, and other creepy crawlers nearly as much as he loves petting every dog, cat, and rodent he comes across. He usually has cobwebs in his hair and smells like nature (but not in a good way).

  “THE GARDENER”

  This toddler spends every minute she can outside on her hands and knees exploring the soil. She always has dirt under her fingers and smeared on her face, and a dozen ants or more crawling on her body, usually unbeknownst to her.

  s

  An easy (and very effective) way to clean under your toddler’s nails is with a nailbrush, warm water, and lots of soap.

  The hand washing problems you will face at home, however, will pale in comparison to the ones you’ll deal with in public bathrooms. There, you must perform a juggling act as you lift your toddler up to the sink with one hand while turning on the water and forcing his hands under it with the other. And if the faucet is the kind that you have to continue holding down in order to make the water come out… good luck! Once (or, IF) you complete that, you will then need to dry your toddler’s hands. This is generally easy, unless the bathroom only has a hand blower. In those godless bathrooms your toddler will shrink away from the hand blower, wailing in fear. If you find yourself in this situation, it is generally best to let him wipe his hands on your pants—vanity be damned.

  BATH TIME

  Toddlers either love or hate baths, which means you need to be prepared for yours to scream bloody murder going in (if he hates it) or coming out (if he loves it). Love it or hate it, though, your toddler will bring the drama with him at bath time.

  If your toddler hates the tub, you can try to improve the situation by getting to the bottom of why he hates it. Of course, some toddlers simply hate getting clean and prefer to remain in their natural state of filth. There isn’t much you can do for those toddlers, but others have a specific reason why they don’t like to bathe. For example, some are afraid they might be sucked down the drain. If your toddler shares this fear, it might be helpful to explain (and demonstrate) how it is literally impossible for this to happen. Just be prepared for him not to believe you because toddlers aren’t big on reason.

  Put a laundry basket into the tub for your toddler to sit in—it will keep his bath toys from floating out of reach.

  A far more common thing toddlers hate is having to wash their hair. Your toddler will likely try to convince you to skip this part of the bath (as if his hair isn’t full of playground sand and curdled milk clumps) but you mustn’t let yourself be swayed. Take heed, though: your toddler might stand up when you dump water on his head, so make sure you have a firm grip on one of his arms to save you from having a mini heart attack.

  One of the best ways to keep your toddler busy in the bath (and thus not wreaking havoc) is to fill the tub with lots of bath toys. It is important to remember, however, that bath toys are toys, and if you misplace your toddler’s favorite one at bath time, all hell will break loose.

  Speaking of all hell breaking loose, or more specifically poop breaking loose, toddlers are known to poop during baths. If your toddler does this, you will need to immediately get him out of the tub, locate the offending item (a real challenge if you were giving him a bubble bath), dispose of it, then drain and clean the tub. And if any bath toys ended up, shall we say, in the line of fire, you will need to wash them too (especially dolls with hair). Blech.

  Considering all of this, you must be careful that you don’t fall prey to “bath denial.” Bath denial is when you and your exhausted partner convince yourselves your hopelessly dirty toddler is actually clean enough to skip yet another bath. How will you know when you are suffering from bath denial? You will start having conversations like this:

  “He doesn’t need a bath, does he?”

  “Nah. He looks fine to me.”

  “Agreed. I mean, we just gave him a bath. When was it?

  Last Thursday?”

  “Monday, actually. But he smells fine if you don’t get too close.”

  “Absolutely. Clean as a whistle.”

  HAIR CARE

  Care for a toddler’s hair long enough and you will start to wonder why you don’t see more toddlers sporting shiny domes like The Rock. Still, with a healthy dose of patience you can make it to the other side of toddlerhood without resorting to busting out the balding clippers.

  In addition to the previously discussed hair washing struggles, you will find combing your toddler’s hair to be a major challenge. Your toddler will not only recoil at the mere sight of a brush, but scream, “Ow!” before you’ve even combed a single strand of his hair. This will infuriate you. Your anger will only grow when you make the gentlest of strokes and he cries out, but it is important not to shout, “I’m barely doing anything!” If you remain relaxed, your toddler will likely stop short of becoming totally hysterical, and you should be able to shape his hair into something other than a bird’s nest and get out the door.

  A major key to remaining patient is lowering your expectations. Those incredible toddler hairstyles you see on Pinterest with the epic braids or perfect faux hawk? Do. Not. Attempt. Going down that road will only lead to lots and lots of tears… and your toddler will likely be crying too. Instead, use simple hairstyles you won’t be devastated to see ruined five minutes after you walk out the door (which is about as long as most toddler hairstyles last).

  When it comes time for your toddler to get a haircut (not a head shave but an actual haircut), it is best to go to a kid’s hair salon. Those places may cost a bit more, but a toddler’s first few haircuts tend to be screaming, crying, and flailing affairs, and subjecting a hair dresser at a regular salon to that is tantamount to cruel and unusual punishment. Your toddler’s hair will look a lot better, too, thanks to a hair dresser who is used to giving these kinds of haircuts and the sedating effects of the salon’s toys, iPads, and lollipops.

  Finally—and this should go without saying—you should never attempt to cut your toddler’s hair. The results will be at best very, very unattractive, and at worst require a trip to the emergency room.

  CLOTHING

  One of the more enjoyable things about having a baby is getting to dress him in precious little outfits that make people swoon. The little lacy socks! The adorable hats! You love shopping for your baby supermodel and take tremendous pride in showing him off. That’s why it’s such a shock when, almost overnight, your baby becomes a toddler and puts an end to your stylist days.

  Your toddler will likely exert his independence by insisting on dressing himself, which means that he will often end up leaving the house looking like a colorblind hobo. And don’t even thin
k about mentioning to him that purple plaid and orange polka dots don’t go together unless you want to start an epic battle. When you fight with a toddler over clothes, no one wins.

  There is the rare toddler who doesn’t care about his attire, but if you end up with one of these you shouldn’t get too excited about this stroke of “luck.” That’s because putting these toddlers into a nice outfit all but guarantees certain disaster. Either someone will hand him a giant, sticky lollipop, or he’ll come across a mud puddle and suddenly lose his balance. Regardless of what type of toddler you end up with, though, you need to know that they all have an incredible knack for staining their clothes with things that are almost impossible to wash like chocolate, ketchup, or grass stains (often all on the same day). Even if you think you’re safe inside the house, your toddler will inevitably find your makeup bag and use your lipstick to not only paint the walls, but his clothes too.

  When you need to venture into public with your toddler, don’t forget your stash of stain-fighting tools. A stain remover stick fits nicely in a purse and is a good first-line of defense against whatever disgusting thing your toddler will inevitably drop down the front of his shirt. You can even leave a bottle of Spray ’n Wash in your car for larger spills. You’ll want to pack a change of clothes for your toddler too, unless you’re cool with your kid walking around all day with a perfect grease imprint of a slice of pizza on his shirt.

  Finally, never ever dress your toddler in white. Instead, try to dress him in clothes that match the food he will be eating. Going out for pizza? Put him in a red shirt! Know your kid is going to get a chocolate sundae? Dress him in brown! Playing at the park? Invest in green pants and call it a day. Your washing machine will thank you.

  CHAPTER 5

  SOCIALIZING YOUR TODDLER

  Considering all of the chaos toddlers create, you might think it’s only fair to warn people not to come within a ten-foot radius of your kid (and maybe even not to make eye contact with her). Unfortunately, while this may spare some of the people you come across from suffering serious toddler-related trauma, the reality is that your toddler needs to interact with others in order to become a fully functioning, normal member of society.

  Will these interactions be awkward? You betcha. Will you need to do a lot of apologizing? Absolutely. Will you be tempted to point at your toddler and say, “I don’t know her?” Almost certainly. But you simply cannot keep your toddler in a bubble and expect her to ever play well with others. Ready for your toddler to start getting social? Good. Let’s look at some of the people she will almost definitely be offending, ahem, befriending.

  BABYSITTERS

  When you have a toddler (especially one who has reached peak levels of toddler craziness) the idea of leaving her alone with anyone other than a close family member will be enough to make you break into a cold sweat. Nevertheless, there will more than likely come a time when you will need to do just that. This could be so you can attend a family wedding, go to an appointment, or simply take a “My head will explode and rain down from the heavens like confetti if I have to spend another minute with my toddler” day. Whatever the reason, finding someone up to the task is imperative.

  Ideally, you will be able to find a babysitter who is a parent themselves. Why? Because parents have already fought their own toddler wars, and when your toddler acts up they’ll be like (spits out tobacco juice), “This ain’t my first rodeo, kid. Now get in bed.” With that said, you shouldn’t rule out hiring a babysitter without kids or even one who is—gasp!—a teenager. In the end, the main criteria you should use to judge a babysitter, regardless of their age or background, is whether you would want them by your side during a zombie apocalypse. If you think they could keep their cool in a truly nightmarish scenario, they will probably be able to handle your toddler too.

  On nights when your toddler is with a babysitter, remind yourself not to freak out (and possibly drive off the road) upon looking in your rearview mirror and seeing that your toddler’s car seat is empty.

  Once you find the right person, there are things you can do to make their time with your toddler as endurable as possible. First, locate everything your toddler might want while you’re gone (such as favorite toys, sippy cups, and the princess pajamas she must wear to bed) and place them out for your babysitter. You should also be very diligent in preparing an information sheet. Will it seem like overkill when you hand your babysitter a multi-page document? Maybe at the start of the night. But two hours later, when you’re unreachable and your toddler is losing her mind because she was given “the wrong fork,” your babysitter will appreciate item 72B on page four, which explains that your toddler will only eat mac and cheese with her Finding Dory fork. Just make sure the information on the sheet is accurate. Putting stuff on there that is wishful thinking, such as a bedtime that is an hour earlier than your kid’s actual bedtime, will only set your babysitter up for disaster.

  When it comes time to leave, it is important to know that your toddler will try to make you feel as bad as possible. She will burst into tears and desperately reach for you while screaming, “Don’t go, mama! Don’t go, dada! Pwease!” Keep in mind that this psychological warfare employed by your toddler is designed to stop you from leaving her with the babysitter. But you shouldn’t let it sway you into staying home or taking her with you. If you do, you might find yourself in awkward situations like this:

  You: “Sorry she cried through the vows. They were beautiful. What I could hear of them, that is.”

  Bride: “The invitation said ‘no kids.’”

  You: “I know, but she seemed really sad when we tried to leave.”

  Bride: “… ”

  To avoid getting yourself into a mess like that, remind yourself that you are leaving your toddler with a responsible individual and not the toddler-eating troll from under the bridge. Repeating the following mantra helps too: “Everything will be okay.”

  Once you’ve hit the road, you shouldn’t become the “ghost in the room.” Parents who do this call and text the babysitter constantly for updates. (You: “How are things now?!” Babysitter: “You mean as opposed to three minutes ago?”) Since this makes it very hard for the babysitter to develop a rapport with your toddler, you should do your best to suppress the urge to pick up your phone every five minutes and instead let the babysitter and your toddler do their thing.

  GRANDPARENTS

  On the surface, grandparents seem like terrific people for your toddler to interact with. After all, they love you and your toddler unconditionally. They tend to think your toddler is adorable even when she’s acting more unruly than a rock star in a hotel room. And while for the most part grandparents will be terrific for your toddler, you’ll also need to be prepared for them to seriously frustrate you.

  One thing that will definitely frustrate you is the unending patience grandparents have for their grandkids. This unending patience is generally a good thing, but it also means that they will let your toddler get away with way more than you would allow. Grandparents rarely discipline, and what’s worse is that they’ll do everything they can to work your toddler into a tizzy. Grandpa will sneak her some candy while grandma will give her as many freshly baked cookies as her chubby hands can hold. Don’t expect your toddler to nap off all those sweets while she’s with them, either. There are no rules at grandma and grandpa’s house, which means that when your toddler comes home, you will have to spend the next day or two re-training her not to act like a total lunatic.

  Perhaps most frustratingly, grandparents will always be on the side of your toddler. Even when you all agree your toddler did something wrong, it will never be her fault in grandma and grandpa’s eyes. Common grandparent excuses (CGE) include: “She probably didn’t get enough sleep last night,” “She’s just a baby,” and “I never allowed you to act like that.” However, if you try to discipline your toddler in front of your parents, they will likely react angrily… at you. This will be especially confusing because they never had
a problem disciplining you when you were a kid.

  Still, grandparents are wonderful to have in your toddler’s life. The unending patience definitely comes in handy when your toddler does something way over the line, like break your mom’s antique grand piano. “That’s okay, dear,” grandma will say. “I wasn’t all that fond of that piano anyway.” And if your toddler snaps your dad’s thousand-dollar bamboo fishing rod? “Eh, I spend too much time fishing,” he’ll say. “It’s for the best. In fact, I should thank our little cutie!”

  Grandparents will also give your toddler the undivided attention you can’t always provide because of A) your job, B) having to constantly clean up after your toddler, and C) utter exhaustion. Grandparents never seem to mind playing the same game fifteen times, repeatedly going over the same flashcards, or speaking in an Elmo voice. This is great news for your toddler’s development! They’ll also happily buy your toddler necessities like shoes and clothes, and tack on non-necessities like toys and giant stuffed animals in the same trip. Don’t have space for a giant, four-foot-tall panda? Too bad! Your toddler pointed at it and they’re sending one home with her! It lives with you now.

  Lastly, always remember that when your toddler has pushed you to the brink, grandparents are there to take your toddler away so you don’t pull her over with you. And as they cackle about payback and how you got a child just like yourself, keep in mind that one day you might also be a grandparent. Then you’ll get your opportunity for revenge.