The Toddler Survival Guide

by Mike Spohr

  • Don’t start too soon. Did you see something on the Internet about infant potty training and freak out that you need to get moving? (“Oh no! My kid is eighteen months old and still in diapers! He’ll never get into Harvard at this rate!”) Well, don’t. The reality is that there is no rush, and in all likelihood your kid won’t graduate from college (Harvard or any other) in diapers. Wait until you’re both ready. This isn’t something you can force.

  • Once you start potty training your toddler, do not stop. Your toddler will never figure out her body’s signals if she still wears a diaper half the time. Yes, it will make your life easier if she wears a diaper on a long drive, but a few extra stops on a car trip will save you a lot of aggravation down the road.

  • Don’t get angry when she has an accident. Yes, you will want to scream when your toddler pees while sitting on your lap, but yelling will only make her think accidents are something to be hidden, and do you really want to have her start hiding soiled underwear around the house? (The answer is no. No, you do not.) Instead, speak calmly, remind her that she has to listen to her body, and then go change her clothes.

  • Potty training needs to be fun and interesting for your toddler. If she figures out potty training is for her own good, she might lose interest. So, make sure you celebrate every victory with cheers and silly dances.

  • Keep the bribes/rewards regular, but simple. If you keep upping the ante to get your toddler to pee in the potty, you’re in trouble. Two or three M&Ms is a good reward, but a king-size bag of the chocolate candies is not.

  • Don’t lose your resolve when things don’t go according to plan. Your child might not be potty trained by the last day of the Three-Day Method, but keep trying! Some kids take a little longer for everything to click and that’s okay. Don’t give up and lose the progress you’ve made. Have faith in your toddler and keep going.

  CHAPTER 9

  PARENTAL SELF-PRESERVATION

  When you’re at war it’s easy to lose morale and be overwhelmed by the direness of it all. It’s why the United Service Organization (USO) exists—to send entertainers like Bob Hope and Marilyn Monroe (and Carrie Underwood in more recent years) overseas to give our troops a break and boost their morale. While the war you will find yourself locked in with a toddler will pale in comparison to the real deal, the same principle applies: you will need the occasional break too.

  Hollywood celebrities are not going to show up at your home and perform a show to help get you through this. If you’re going to make it to the other side of your kid’s toddlerhood without losing it, you will need to find ways to give yourself a break now and again. So, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Let’s get through this together.

  AFTER YOUR TODDLER GOES DOWN

  Remember the euphoric feeling of walking out of school on the last day of the year? Well, that’s a little like how you will feel each night once you finally get your toddler to sleep. You might even strut out of your toddler’s room singing, “He’s down for the night!” to the tune of Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out.” And while you’ll only have a couple hours off instead of a few months, you’ll have many opportunities to make good and bad decisions.

  One thing you’ll definitely want to do is maximize your time. Since you’ll be tired, it will be all too easy to plop down on the couch and just stare into space. Zoning out like this isn’t the worst thing in the world, in fact, it could help you unwind, but you don’t want to waste too much of your evening this way. Your toddler-free, adults-only time is fleeting!

  So, if you spend your day longing to watch a TV show where the characters don’t turn to the screen and ask questions, you should waste no time in dialing up those shows with swear words, shoot-outs, and doctors getting frisky with each other in broom closets (or all three at once). This would also be an ideal time to finally watch that Netflix series everyone is talking about, so you can actually chime in on conversations about it instead of having to shift the subject to the latest Netflix Original Series… for kids. (“Yeah, that detective show sounds great, guys, but you know what else is great? Netflix’s new series about bugs that sing Beatles’ songs! Hey, where are you going?”)

  If you’re not into television but have a hobby that’s meaningful to you, this is also a good time to do it. Whether it’s writing, knitting, drawing, playing fantasy football, or making a paper mache statue of Steve Buscemi (hey, no judgment here), you will feel better having done it the next day when you’re once again knee-deep in all things toddler.

  This adults-only time will be a terrific opportunity to connect with your partner too. Talk to each other, cuddle, and joke around. Do the things you have a hard time doing when you’re too busy stopping your toddler from eating things he finds on the ground or climbing onto counters. You and your partner may even choose to use this time to get frisky in your own broom closet, so to speak, but you shouldn’t feel like you have to do it simply because this is a window of opportunity. After a long day of being toddlerized, you might be sweaty, exhausted, and not in the mood. If so, that’s okay.

  It should also be mentioned that it’s perfectly fine to use this time to go to sleep. It may seem crazy to sleep away these precious hours, but if you’re exhausted, sleep will replenish you a whole lot more than a couple hours of TV. Stock up on REM sleep, and you’ll be much more likely to enjoy your toddler-free time the next night.

  The one thing you absolutely must not do, though, is get carried away enjoying yourself and try to stretch this magical time out way longer than you should. You must have discipline; otherwise, you could come to your senses at 2:00 a.m. realizing you’ve binge-watched six episodes and polished off a bottle of wine. Make a mistake like that and you will hate life the next day (or even thirty minutes later when your toddler first cries out for you).

  MAKING AN ESCAPE

  Before you have kids, planning a date night is pretty damn easy. It’s so easy, in fact, that people sometimes veto going out for the laziest of reasons, like, “Eh, we’d have to fill the car up with gas. Maybe just order in Chinese?” Once you have a toddler, though, going out becomes a lot more complicated. You’ve got to hire a babysitter, meticulously write out an information sheet (one that doesn’t send your sitter running for her car), and steel yourself for your toddler’s desperate pleas of “Don’t go!” as you try to leave. But while arranging a date night might not be easy, you should do it anyway. Toddler-less trips into the real world are incredibly important for you, your partner, and your relationship.

  The best reason to have a date night is because it will remind you of why you started your family in the first place. You might be thinking, “How could I ever forget why I started my family?” But when you’re knee-deep in all things toddler, you and your partner can start to feel like you’re nothing more than coworkers at Toddler, Inc., a company that specializes in keeping your crazy toddler from doing harm to himself and others. As coworkers at this start-up, the majority of your interactions will involve changing diapers, cutting up grapes, and tag-teaming the bedtime routine. You will also find yourself shouting romantic things at each other like, “Can you please take the toddler?! I have to go die in the bathroom from this stomach bug!” Do this long enough and it’s all too easy to forget that you actually really enjoy each other’s company and conversations about things other than baby gates. This is why date nights are so key—they give you the perfect opportunity to talk like you used to.

  In a way, they can kind of feel like a first date: You: “Wow! You know a lot about history! Impressive! Did I know that about you?”

  Your partner: “Yes, but before the toddler. And you have such a great sense of humor! I think I sort of remember that about you!”

  Date nights are also a terrific way for you and your partner to see each other in something other than sweatpants and old, toddler food–stained T-shirts. So, take the opportunity to shower, groom yourself, and dress up! You’ll feel better and your partner will be impressed (and vice
versa).

  One thing you don’t want to do is to make these dates all about your kid. (“I can’t believe he’s walking already. We really should stop at Babies ‘R’ Us on the way home to get stuff to babyproof the cabinets… ”) Sure, talking about your toddler a little bit is fine. But you shouldn’t do it the whole time, since you’ll have plenty of time to discuss him when you’re back on the clock at Toddler, Inc.

  You should also avoid constantly calling and texting home to check up on your toddler. Instead, be present with your partner and enjoy your chemistry. Hold hands, steal a few kisses, and take cheesy selfies together! Do enough of that, and by the end of night things might even progress to this point:

  Your partner: “I’m really feeling you, and I know this might be a little complicated since we work together, but—”

  You: “Wait. You do realize we don’t actually work together, right?”

  Your partner: “We don’t?”

  You: “No, we’re married.”

  Your partner: “That’s right! Score!”

  Ideally, you will return home after your date recharged and feeling closer than ever—at least until your toddler poops his diaper and starts screaming for a toy you haven’t seen in six months.

  SEEING FRIENDS

  Seeing your friends will go a long way toward helping you get through these toddler years. In case you need a reminder, your friends are the people who know the “old” you: the you who can never pick a song in the right key at karaoke, the you who is an expert in something fairly pointless (Friends trivia, cat memes), and the you who has talents well beyond diaper changing. They know you as more than “Toddler’s Parent,” and while you may love being known as “Toddler’s Parent,” there are other aspects of your identity you will want to keep in touch with too.

  Of course, now that you and your friends are adults, it’s much harder to hang out spontaneously. Gone are the “let’s meet at the bar in twenty minutes” texts. Now spending time with your friends requires a major scheduling effort. Business trips, spouses, and children’s activities all have to be taken into consideration. Finding a time that works will be hard, but it’s worth the effort. If you don’t try to make it happen, it never will.

  Set up a recurring, monthly get-together with your friends. It will ensure you make the time for each other.

  RECORDED TODDLER DYSFUNCTION THROUGHOUT HISTORY

  While today’s worldwide epidemic of toddler dysfunction is unlike any other in history, there have been nine recorded clusters of extremely unruly toddlers. The last cluster that was in Hawthorne, California, between the years of 1956 and 1959 inspired one entrepreneur to start a business called “Toodles, Toddler.” The following radio spot (transcribed below) gives fascinating insight into this difficult time:

  CLIENT: “Toodles, Toddler”

  LENGTH: Sixty seconds

  MEDIUM: Radio

  SOUND: A two-year-old wails as things SHATTER throughout the entirety of the spot.

  WOMAN: Golly gee, am I exhausted!

  MAN: Aw shucks, honey. The toddler just broke the television. Again. Rats!

  MAN #2: You two look like you could use a night out.

  MAN: Who are you? And what are you doing in our home?

  MAN #2: I let myself in. It’s the fifties. We do things like that. So, how’s that night out sound?

  WOMAN: A night out sounds swell, but no babysitter in town will watch our toddler.

  MAN #2: Then bring him with you.

  MAN: Not a chance, daddy-o. He’s been banned from every restaurant in town.

  MAN #2: Not every restaurant. The newly opened Toodles, Toddler caters specifically to the parents of incredibly frustrating two- and three-year-olds like yours. When you arrive, we will take your toddler and place him in a soundproof, padded room where he will remain safely while you enjoy your meal… in peace.

  WOMAN: I don’t know if I remember how to do that!

  MAN #2: That’s why we seat an interesting non-parent at every table to help our guests enjoy conversation about things other than diaper changes and tantrums.

  MAN: Wow! Could he explain to me what the deal is with this Elvis character?

  MAN #2: You bet, hound dog! So come on down to 435 El Segundo and let us lock your toddler in a padded room! He won’t mind, and you deserve it!

  There are some pitfalls you’ll want to avoid when you’re finally with your friends. For example, it might be hard to turn off “Mom” or “Dad” mode, especially since you play that role every second of the day. But the last thing you want to do is be the buzzkill who interrupts every fun story with an anecdote about your toddler’s potty-training woes. You also don’t want to ask your friends if they need to “go potty,” and they definitely don’t need you to wipe their mouths after they take a particularly messy bite of dinner. Do these things enough and eventually someone in your circle will say, “I love Marci and all, but…” Don’t be Marci.

  You should also spend time with your friends focusing on your relationships and the things you used to do. You don’t have to worry about the kids at home—they’re fine. Be present with your friends, laugh, say crazy things, and enjoy yourself. These are the moments that you’ll cling to during your toddler’s next bout of explosive diarrhea.

  This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t talk about your kids at all—your friends will want to hear about your precious little monster, and they’ll definitely want to know how you’re handling life as a parent. Your friends love you, and being with them will give you a great opportunity to blow off steam. You can safely discuss your mistakes (like how your toddler dropped an F-bomb in the library) or admit you’re so frustrated with things that you’re thinking of selling your toddler. You can’t say these things to your child’s librarian, but you can say them to your friends. They’ll make you feel better about your mistakes, talk you down off the ledge, and offer advice about what worked for them in similar situations. And, if they can see that you’re really serious about selling your toddler, your friends will even help you write a really kickass Craigslist post. After all, that’s what friends are for.

  MINI-VACATIONS

  In a perfect world, you would be able to recharge by taking bimonthly, government-funded trips to Hawaii without your toddler. In the world we actually live in, the best you can try for is what we call “mini-vacations,” also known as brief, stolen moments when your toddler isn’t hanging on you or whining for something to eat. If you hope to make it to the end of your kid’s toddlerhood with your wits intact, you absolutely must learn how to make the most of these mini-vacations.

  The first thing you’ll need to do is recognize when these moments are happening because at first they’ll be all too easy to let slip by unnoticed. For example, few parents of toddlers think of the time they spend filling their cars up with gas as a chance to relax, but they (and you) should. Why? Because for that minute or so you will be outside of your car while your toddler will be inside of it. This means that as long as the gas keeps flowing you’re 100 percent on “you” time! To unwind, take a nice, deep breath (but not too deep on account of all the gas fumes), and entertain yourself by watching the cars zoom by. Another great way to amuse yourself is by pretending you’re on a game show called Guess How Much It Will Cost To Fill Up Your Tank! (“I guess thirty-one dollars, Chuck! Thirty-one! Let me see big thirty-one!”) Make the most of this time, and when you slide back behind the wheel (and hear your toddler whining in the back), you will feel just a bit fresher.

  If you’re lucky enough to wake before your toddler, avoid making loud noises that might alert the toddler to the fact that you’re up.

  There will be many more moments like this that you will need to be on the lookout for. If your toddler runs off to harass your partner as he or she tries to use the bathroom, you’re on “you time!” If your toddler opens a new toy and actually engages with it for a minute or two, you’re on “you time!” If you somehow wake up before your toddler, you’re definitely on �
�you time!”

  If you become adept at recognizing these moments, you will start to see more and more of them every day. And while you will eventually be able to take a vacation somewhere more exciting than the gas station, in the meantime these mini-vacations will be all you’ve got, so you’d best enjoy them.

  ALONE TIME

  Remember the classic power ballad that went, “All by myself, don’t want to be… all by myself?” Well, that’s one song you never sing when you have a toddler because you’ll freaking love being alone.

  Now you might be thinking, “You don’t have to remind me to enjoy alone time,” but the reality is that once you have a toddler you can actually forget how to be alone. It’s all too easy to end up wasting your alone time by cleaning the house or folding your toddler’s tiny laundry instead of reading a book (remember that?). Those chores will need to get done, of course, but when you have alone time it’s important for your mental well-being that you use it for yourself.

  Try arranging alone time swaps with your partner. Take an hour or two by yourself one day, then let your partner have the same amount of time the next day.

  It’s also smart to use this time to do things you normally have to do with your toddler, only solo. For example, this will be your chance to use the restroom without your toddler leaning on your knee and flushing the toilet over and over. You will also be able to make yourself some food and eat it without having to share every other bite. Even better, you will be able to gorge on candy without having to hide in the bathroom and yell through the door, “I’ll be right out, sweetie! Just eating this Twix—er, I mean, washing my hands!”