DARK DESTINY
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Bec Botefuhr
Copyright © 2013 Bec Botefuhr
Dark Destiny is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places and events portrayed in this book either are from the Author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, establishments, events, or location is purely coincidental and not intended by the Author. Please do not take offence to the content, as it is FICTION.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Ok, so, there’s two people that really made this book possible for me. So for them, I am completley grateful because if they didn’t keep kicking my ass, I wouldn’t have done it.
The first, is Melissa Stewart-Allum. This girl ripped the book apart and quite literally helped me put it back together again. She read, she busted my balls, she cheered when I needed cheering and she came down hard on me when I needed it. Without her, I would have never completed this. She helped me with the storyline, the characters, she even told me of her cold and flu drug dreams. She knows she’s my number one, now and always.
The second, is Lola Stark. That girl sat on Voxer, chatting to me day in, day out. She gave me ideas, she helped me form plots but most of all, she gave me something else to think about. When a book consumes you, sometimes it’s hard to step away. When I had break downs, she would pull me together with her Voxer talk (Dirty tramp) and she would bring me right back up again. That girl is freakin’ amazing and without her, I wouldn’t be sane.
Books in this series
Dark Poison (Book One) – Previously titled Dark Passion.
Dark Desire (Book Two)
Dark Endings (Book Three)
Dark Destiny (Book Four)
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NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR! PLEASE READ BEFORE YOU READ JAGGER & WILLOW’S FINAL JOURNEY.
Hello my beloved fans,
As you know, I fully intended to finish Jagger and Willow’s story with Dark Endings, but you, my little petals, decided you just weren’t finished with them. So, after much pleading, I decided to continue it with one more book. You all wanted to know what happened when they arrived back from the island, and how they coped with it. So that’s what I’m giving you. I’m giving you the raw reality. I’m giving you the truth, but don’t fret, my sweets, Jagger and Willow will get their happiness.
Writing this book was tricky for me, I left it in Dark Endings with a Happily Ever After and I was quite ok with that, but when I had to think of how they survived after the island, it got me thinking about my own situation. So, that’s what I decided to do. Write what I know. Anyone who has had some sort of traumatic experience in their life, knows full well that it’s not so easy to recover from and the way we react to it, isn’t always text book.
In this book, I pull out all the raw, gritty emotions that were left behind. Because let’s face it, there’s always emotion and struggle after an experience like Jagger’s. What I have done with this book, may seem unrealistic to some, perhaps those who haven’t experienced it, but let me tell you, it’s so very real. I know this, because I actually experienced the same emotional turmoil in my life a few years ago. I never would have believed it possible to turn ones feelings off like a switch, but that’s exactly what happens, it’s exactly what happened to me.
I honestly believed I didn’t love my family, my friends, my kids, my husband. I truly believed that I had no emotions left. I couldn’t feel, no matter how hard I tried. It was one of the most emotionally challenging moments of my life. My husband suffered. My kids suffered. My family suffered. Jagger’s situation, is very real to me, and is very real to a lot of people. How they deal with it, is also very real. I recall nearly losing my life one afternoon, and that’s how I snapped out of it. I was in the hospital, being told to say goodbye to my family, and I realized just what I had done. I nearly lost my life, but I nearly lost them in the process. I broke down. When faced with life and death, I realized just how deep I had sunk myself.
And just like that, I changed my life and everything got better. Yes, better. I cried, I struggled, I dealt with the fact that I very nearly died and I moved on. I remember saying to my mother, “I thought I didn’t love my own husband, I nearly lost him. How could I ever possibly believe I didn’t love him anymore?” but the reality was, I honestly believed that at the time. I was in too deep. When faced with losing him, like a switch flipped, I realized just how much I did love him. Since then, I have never looked back.
So, my darling readers, while unrealistic to some, there are some situations that no book, doctor or study can explain. Sometimes, it’s just a learning curve. Sometimes, it’s so completely off track that no one knows how to help.
That’s life.
And now, with Jagger, I will share some very intimate thoughts of my own, that I personally experienced during my own mental block down.
Go easy,
Jagger loves you all and heck, so do I!
Bec xo
PROLOGUE
JAGGER
Darkness, you never truly understand the full meaning of it until it consumes you. It’s just a word, it’s just a place you hope you never have to go. Once it takes you, it’s not something you can be freed of easily. It takes your body, your mind, your soul, and puts it in a place no one can reach. It takes your happiness and crushes it into a thousand tiny pieces. It takes your reality, and throws it down a long, dark abyss. Feelings? They mean nothing to darkness. Love? That’s nonexistent. The only thing that exists in the world of darkness, is you and your thoughts. The thoughts that, in time, will completely consume you until you’re nothing but a shell.
That’s what I’m becoming.
A shell.
A nothing.
A man with no heart. A man with no soul. My actions are overshadowing my reality. Everything I thought I believed in, is now clouded. Everything I thought I loved, is now no more than a dull ache in the back of my heart. I feel nothing. I am numb. Completely enveloped by the darkness surrounding me and I can’t find a way out. I made a mistake coming back here. I made a mistake promising her a happy ending. I made a mistake promising my children that I could be good for them. Right now, happiness is no more important to me than death. There is no line anymore. Nothing separating my emotions. It’s all been blurred into one, dark emotion.
Emptiness.
That’s all I feel.
Emptiness.
WILLOW
Isn’t it amazing how easily things in life change? You go from having a wonderful situation, to having a bad one. Ok, I shouldn’t put it like that, because let’s face it; my life so far hasn’t exactly been wonderful. I thought though, that after everything that went down with Mick, it would finally pick up and things would get better. For a while it did. Jagger was happy, I was happy and everything was running smoothly. I gave birth to my second child, a beautiful girl we named Leila. She brought sunshine back into our darkness, and for six months, things were just that…sunshine.
Then the nightmares
began. They started with a few twists and turns in the night. Jagger would wake up gasping, his chest glistening with a fine sheen of sweat. Then he started thrashing. He started calling out. He started punching. That’s when I had to start sleeping in another bed. That’s when things started to go wrong. He began to withdraw, his usually brave face was slipping into a place I was afraid I couldn’t pull him back from. I guess reality is funny like that; sometimes it just takes a while to sink in. Jagger killed his own father. Did we really believe there would be no mental anguish after that? Did we really think it would be all sunshine and roses?
No. Of course we didn’t. We just let ourselves believe that maybe we were dealing with it. We let ourselves believe that he wasn’t suffering. When all along, that’s exactly what he was doing. Suffering. Inside. Deep in the depths of his soul. He was breaking to pieces. His mind was taking over his heart; it was pushing the wall he built up, right back down again. I don’t know what to do to help him. Not when he’s pulling away from me. What can I do to make it better, when he won’t tell me what’s going on? How do you fix something, when you don’t know which part is broken? How do you help someone get better, when they won’t talk to you? How to you take care of your family, as well as fight demons?
You don’t.
And that’s the problem.
CHAPTER 1
WILLOW
My daughters’ cries jerk me from my sleep. I groan and shift, rubbing my fingers over my eyes and allowing myself a moment to wake up. When I hear her cry again, I sigh and climb from the bed. The bed that I am alone in. The bed that I haven’t felt Jagger in for two months. The bed that hasn’t felt any love. I slip my slippers on and pull on a robe before walking down the hall to Leila’s room. I gently crack the door open and peer in. The faint light is shining down over her face, and I can see she’s sitting up, staring at me through the cracks in her crib. I can’t help but smile, how can I not? No matter what happens between Jagger and I, our kids always make us smile. Even he smiles around them.
“Hey, baby girl,” I coo. “What’s wrong?”
She cries a little louder, and I walk in, lifting her from the crib and wrapping my arms around her. She smells like baby wash, and a touch of Jagger. That smell has my heart clenching. I miss it. I miss everything about him. I miss his lips on mine. I miss his body against mine. I miss his arms around me. I swallow back the pathetic tears that sting my eyes. I can’t cry over something I can’t change. I just have to continue being there for him. It’s all I can do right now. Leila places a chubby hand on my cheek, and I can’t help but smile down at her. She’s gorgeous. Just like Cody. Dark hair like Jagger. Green eyes like me. I tangle a finger in one of her thick, dark ringlets and twirl.
“Can’t you sleep, honey?”
She coos at me. I kiss her cheeks, inhaling her scent.
“Mommy will get you a bottle, ok baby?”
I put her back in her crib and hand her a rattle. She shakes it around, looking up at me with that dazzling face. I give her one last smile, and then I turn and walk out of the room. I tread quietly down the hall; I don’t want to wake Jagger. He doesn’t sleep enough as it is. I get up on my tiptoes and the floorboards creak, as I try very desperately to stay quiet. Luckily for me I know my own house, because I can’t see a damned thing. When I slam into a hard, hot chest…I know I’ve woken him. Well, that, or Leila woke him. I don’t push him away. For a small moment, I just inhale him. I breathe him in, letting his scent fill my nose. His skin is warm from his slumber and it only makes me want him that much more.
I want so desperately to just tilt my head up and capture his lips with mine. To wrap my arms around him and press his body close, feeling every, hard inch of him. I can’t though. It’s not that he wouldn’t let me. I’m sure he would tolerate it, if I insisted, but I don’t want to insist. I want him to seek me out. I want him to want me. Everyone tells me it’s just a phase, that he won’t feel like this forever and I just have to give him space. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m giving him space. I won’t push, because I won’t risk losing him. If I lost Jagger, my world would fall to pieces. My kids world would fall to pieces. He’s everything to them, to us. We need him.
“Sorry,” I murmur against his chest. His hands go up to wrap around the tops of my arms, and he gently pushes me back. It’s not in any way harsh, but it’s cold, devoid of emotion.
“Leila?” he asks, his voice husky from sleep.
“Yeah, I was just getting her a bottle.”
“I’ll do it. You go back to bed.”
I feel my heart burn, to anyone else, those words would be a sweet, loving husband talking to his wife and helping her out, but to me…it’s just Jagger trying to avoid anymore interaction with me. “No, it’s ok. I got it.”
He’s silent a moment, then he drops his hands. “Ok, I’ll go and wait with her.”
Then he steps past me, just like that. Like having my body against his doesn’t affect him at all. That hurts more than I’ll ever admit. The idea of Jagger not being in love with me anymore…it’s too much. I shake my head and snap myself out of it, before walking down the hall further until I reach the kitchen. When I manage to find the light, I let my eyes adjust before making Leila a bottle. While it’s heating in a little pot of water, I lean my hip against the counter and try to push the pain from my body. You’re doing the right thing, Willow. You’re doing what anyone would do for someone they love. Aren’t I?
When the little timer goes off, I pull the bottle out and test it on my wrist before flicking the light off and walking down the hall. When I pass Cody’s room, I peer in. He’s curled up, bum in the air, looking gorgeous. He’s nearly two now, and he’s the image of Jagger, and he’s just as mischievous too. I smile and gently shut his door again. When I reach Leila’s room, I peer in. Jagger is rocking her, his hard arms wrapped around her tiny body and he’s whispering softly to her. She’s looking up at him, her fingers tangled in the chain around his neck. Cody used to do the exact same thing. I feel my eyes well with tears.
Jagger hears me at the door and looks up, tiny electric bolts rush through my body. They always will. I can’t look at him and not have them. He’s shirtless, the tattoos on his body are dull in the lamp light. He’s been working out extra hard, and his body is firm, toned, and gorgeous. His light blue eyes tear through my soul as he looks at me. His dark hair is ruffled from sleep and he looks positively breathtaking. It takes all the strength inside me to not walk over and run my nails down that taut back. I want him inside me. I haven’t had him for months and god, I miss it. Especially when he’s looking at me. I force a smile to my face, but it falters.
“Here’s her bottle.”
I hand him the bottle and try to stop my eyes travelling down to the lose cotton shorts that really aren’t pulled up far enough. I can see that gorgeous man ‘V’ and I can see his muscles pull and clench as he moves. I force my eyes back up and he’s still watching me. It’s only then I realize my eyes are burning with unshed tears. Jagger takes the bottle from my hand and our fingers graze. I quickly let it go and he catches it just in the nick of time. I swallow and lean over, kissing Leila’s head before turning and rushing out of the room. I hear Jagger murmur my name, I’m not even sure if he’s calling me or if he’s just saying it, but I don’t stop.
When I get to my room, I close the door and lean my back against it. Then I lower my body down slowly, feeling the hard wood sliding against my back as I move. When my bottom hits the floor, I let out a strangled sob. I press my hand over my mouth and force myself to breathe through it. As I heave, I try hard to not make a sound. If he hears me, it will only make things worse for him. I have to be his rock. I’m not the one who suffered. He did. He killed his father. He’s the one dealing with the agony of that. Jagger. Not me. I have to be here for him. Even if it means letting our relationship hang in the balance while he finds himself again.
I’ll do whatever it takes.
No matter what.
~*~*~*~
JAGGER
I saw her eyes, she tried to hide it, but I saw it. I saw the pain. I saw the shimmer of tears, and I didn’t do anything to stop it. It’s not that I don’t care; I know I do, behind all of this. I can’t change it though, I am trying to make myself feel, but I just can’t. Everything is numb. I don’t feel any sort of emotion. I don’t even feel depressed. The best way to describe what’s going on would be to say I feel like a zombie. It’s all I can relate myself to right now. The walking dead. I know it’s hurting Willow, I see it every day, I see her struggling to fight along with me, when really, all I’m doing, is breaking her down.
That’s why I know this is for the best. Whatever I’ve become, she doesn’t deserve to experience it. There are times I’ve wanted to reach out to her, but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll give her some sort of false hope that I’m not really sure I can back up right now. She’s better off without me; she just can’t see it yet. In time though, she will. My kids, they don’t need to see this side of me. It’s damaged. It’s fucked up. What will they think of me when they grow older? When they find out I killed my own father? I stare down at my daughter, sleeping in my arms. She deserves better than this, than me. That’s why I am pulling away. One day, they will all see…
I did this for them.
~*~*~*~*
WILLOW
“I’m goin’ to work.”
I turn and see Jagger walking out the next morning, fully dressed. He’s wearing old faded jeans covered in grease stains. He works as a mechanic during the day. I think he likes it. I wouldn’t know. He doesn’t tell me. I meet his gaze as he stops and grips his phone and his keys. Oh, he looks so damned perfect. I swallow and press my fingers to the kitchen counter. I want to say so many things, but I can’t. I couldn’t even begin to find the words to explain the fucked up mess in my head right now.
Dark Destiny (Dark Brothers Book #4) Page 1