“Ok,” I whisper.
He raises his brows. “You ok?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Are you?”
He shrugs. “Fine.”
I guess he still doesn’t want to face what’s happening. He doesn’t want to face that we haven’t had sex for months. He doesn’t want to face the fact we don’t even sleep in the same bed. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that he hasn’t called me baby…god…what does it matter? What does any of it matter? He’s not ready. When he is, I will be waiting. I nod my head, it’s all I can give him right now. He won’t accept anything else. Even if he pretends to try, I know he doesn’t really want to. I know deep down, he’s slowly pushing me away.
“Somethin’ you wanna say, Willow?” he asks, letting his blue eyes search my face.
“No, Jagger, I’m fine.”
“You ran off awful fast last night, did I upset you?”
Did you upset me? No. Not at all Jagger. You don’t want to fuck me. You don’t want to touch me. You don’t want to be anywhere near me for longer than five minutes. How could that possibly upset me?
“Willow?”
“I said it’s fine, Jagger,” I bark.
I close my eyes and grip the counter harder. Stop it, Willow, this isn’t his fault. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. That’s what Angel keeps telling me. He’s not thinking. He needs time. When he gets his head together, he’ll become good again. I just have to be strong. I just have to hang in there.
“Ok, well, I’m goin’ to the bar with the boys after work.”
Of course you fucking are.
“Ok.”
“You should hang with Ava and Jenny, they miss you.”
Why do I feel like he’s palming me off onto someone else, to try and hide his own guilt for not wanting to spend time with me?
“Ok, Jagger.”
He tilts his head to the side, stares at me for a long moment, and then sighs.
“Later.”
And just like that, he’s gone. No kiss. Not even a god damned smile. I feel my heart clench painfully and I suck in a ragged, painful breath. My hands shake as I force my legs to move down the hall to get Cody from his bed. The pain I feel inside is so…well it’s…awful. I can’t even describe the gut wrenching, soul crushing pain that’s inside right now. Everything was going so well. How can it all go so wrong, so quickly? Was it all really just a cover, was Jagger just hiding his pain because he truly wanted to be happy?
“Momma!”
I blink and see Cody running down the hall, batman pajamas in tow. He’s taken them off and is now running with them like a cape over his shoulders. I smile at the sight of my son running towards me in just a nappy. When he reaches me, I scoop him up into my arms and kiss his cheeks. He smells like all kids do in the morning, sweet and warm. I carry him into the kitchen and pop him in his chair before preparing his breakfast. I can’t let him see the bad side of me; above all else, I have to be a good mother to my children.
I am still caught up in thoughts of Jagger, when my phone rings on the counter beside me. I stare down at the screen, it’s Ace. He rings often. He tries to pretend it’s just to say hi, but I know what he’s doing, he’s looking after me. I can’t blame him, nor can I be mad at him. Without the guys, I wouldn’t be able to cope with Jagger pulling away from me. I just wish, sometimes, they were ringing to just to talk me about life. That’s not going to happen though, not right now at least. Sighing, I pick it up and press the little green phone button to answer it.
“Hey Ace.”
“Hey kid, how’s things?”
I know as well as anyone else, Ace doesn’t really want to know how things are, he wants to know how Jagger is. He knows he’s suffering, but he’s hiding it behind this emotionless front.
“They’re good, Ace.”
He makes a tisk tisk sound, “Tellin’ me lies again…”
I sigh. “Ok, they’re not good. I don’t know what to tell you. He hardly talks to me anymore. I honestly am running out of ideas on how to help him.”
“He will come good, kid. I promise you he’ll come good. He needs time. He’s all fucked up. He killed his own dad, and before that he was basically held prisoner and forced to fight. That shit messes with your head. He needs time to process it.”
“He’s pushing me away Ace,” I whisper, too afraid to let him hear the pain in my voice. “I miss him. I need him.”
“He loves you, Willow, I know that much.”
“I am starting to find that harder and harder to believe.”
“Don’t give up on him, just hang in there. It will get better.” I’m not sure who he’s trying to convince, me or himself.
“I would never give up on him, even if he gave up on me. I love him too much.”
He’s silent a minute, and his voice is an octave higher and happier when he speaks again.
“So, how are my two monsters?”
I chuckle. “They’re good. Keeping me awake at night.”
“As all good children should.”
“How’s Jenny?”
He’s silent a moment longer. I have noticed the two don’t spend as much time together, I can’t help but wonder what went on.
“I’m not sure kid, haven’t seen her this week.”
“Are you two still together?”
“No fuckin’ idea,” he grunts.
It’s a shame really, I honestly thought Jenny adored Ace. She’s been so busy with work lately, and part of me wonders, if perhaps, she doesn’t want the life Ace has to offer. He’s such a gentle man though, I wish she could look past his lifestyle. Besides, he’s handsome as hell. All the guys are, but Ace, I think, is just about as dazzling as Jagger. He has those big brown eyes and that sexily ruffled dark brown hair. He’s bigger in build than Jagger, and that’s saying something, but granted, he is stockier than Jagger.
“Is everything ok, Ace?” I finally say.
“Nothin’ for you to worry about, things have just been hectic. That’s all.”
“That’s one way of putting it,” I mumble.
“Anyway, I am just checkin’ up on you and I wanted to let you know not to worry about Jagger tonight, I’ll keep him in line.”
“Thanks, Ace, I think he needs his boys.”
“Well, now Angel and Ava are back from their holiday, and Bull has come home from visiting his sister, we can all start getting things back on track.”
“What about Maggie? Has anyone heard from her?”
He’s silent a moment.
“Nah,” he says, his voice is softer now. “She’s not back yet.”
“Do you think she’s ok, Ace?”
“I honestly don’t know, I’ve tried to call a few times but she won’t answer. I guess she just needs some time to process what went down.”
“Jagger could really use her support.”
“She’ll come back, Willow, she always does.”
I sigh deeply. “All right, well Leila is crying so I better go. Come around more Ace, we’ve missed you.”
“I will, kid, I swear. Later.”
“Bye, Ace.”
I hang up the phone and stare down at it for a long moment, before placing it on the counter. I begin walking down the hall, thinking about Maggie as I go. She disappeared after she found out Jagger killed Mick. I guess it was all too much for her. I know Ace has tried to get in contact with her, out of all the guys, he seems to get along with her the best. Jagger told me he’s known her the longest, aside from himself of course. I think about all the guys, and I’m glad they’re all back in town. They could be just what Jagger needs. Maybe he just needs to feel in control again. Now they’re back, they can start meeting up some more. I can only hope they’ll pull him from this rut he’s in, because honestly, if it’s up to me and I have to continue on my own, I’m afraid I’ll crumble and fail him.
I’m running out of ideas. It’s time for some fresh faces and some new ways to pull my man from his dark place.
The guys
are the best possible solution for that. I’m almost sure of it.
CHAPTER 2
WILLOW
“Oh! I missed you so much!”
I smile at the feeling of Ava’s arms being around me. I’ve missed her more than words can say. She went away for an entire month and it’s been lonely without her. I squeeze her tight, letting her jump us both up and down with the excitement of being home and seeing each other again. When she pulls back, I grin and grip her face. She looks truly radiant, like she’s refreshed and ready to start all over again. Her cheeks are pink and her eyes are sparkling. Ava is truly happy. I know that has a lot to do with Angel.
“I’ve missed you too,” I say, letting her face go and grinning over her shoulder at the blonde haired, blue eyed man standing behind her.
“Angel,” I say, stepping around her to embrace him. “It’s good to see you.”
“Dark sister,” he murmurs, using his very new nickname for me. “It’s good to see you, too.”
“We’ve missed you two,” I say, pulling back and looking over both of them.
“Oh,” Ava sighs. “It’s so good to be home.”
“Aunty Ava!”
We both turn to see Cody charging down the hall. He leaps into Ava’s arms and she laughs, spinning him around.
“Cody, my boy, look at you. You’ve gotten bigger!”
She kisses his cheeks and he grins up at her. When she puts him down, he runs towards Angel, wrapping his tiny arms around Angel’s legs.
“Hey little fella! Ava’s right, you’ve gotten so big.”
I smile. “He grows every day, I’m sure of it.”
“Where’s my little Leila Belle?”
I roll my eyes and hook my arm through Ava’s.
“She’s sleeping. You and I have so much to talk about.”
“Jagger at work?” Angel calls.
I stiffen and Ava notices, but I quickly cover it with a smile.
“He is, but Ace has organized all of you to meet at the bar later.”
“Sounds good. Babe, I’m going home to unpack. I’ll call you later.”
Ava flashes him an award winning grin. “Ok, later studley.”
He grins at her, and gives Cody a high five before leaving. Ava turns to me when he’s gone, and her face goes serious.
“What is going on?”
“First, did you just call Angel, studley?”
She giggles. “It’s a long story.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re crazy, but god I’ve missed you.”
“Ok, so, tell me what’s been happening with you and that handsome brooder?”
“Seriously,” I say, nonchalantly. “It’s nothing.”
“Really?” she says, raising her brows. “You’re going to pretend it’s nothing? I felt you stiffen when he spoke about Jagger. Are things not any better?”
Sighing with defeat, I let my shoulders slump. Ava won’t let this go and she knows me almost better than I know myself sometimes. I can’t keep this from her.
“No, things aren’t better.”
“Oh, Willow, tell me what’s happening.”
“Everything, Ava. I can’t keep up with him anymore. He hardly talks to me. We are just two people living in a house. There’s no passion. Heck, he doesn’t even kiss me on the damned cheek anymore.”
“Oh honey.”
I swallow and look over at her. She grips my hand, giving me a sympathetic smile.
“I don’t know how to help him. He’s sinking and I don’t know how to make it better.”
“I thought things were okay with you two after what went down with Mick. I know things have been getting worse, I just didn’t think he’d gotten so bad.”
I nod, and look away for a moment. She’s right. Things were ok for a while after Mick, I guess we were living a fantasy, because clearly Jagger wasn’t ok inside and now it’s just showing more and more.
“I think it was because things happened so quickly. I got pregnant, we moved houses, got married, he got a job and things were just going a million miles an hour. Then we settled in here and it slowed down. After the massive fight between Maggie and him, it really began. It’s like suddenly he realized what had happened. He started having nightmares. Then he started pulling away from me. We stopped sleeping in the same bed because he didn’t trust himself next to me. Then eventually, sex became less and less, until it got to the point we haven’t had it for over two months. Now…he hardly speaks to me.”
Ava stares at me, a little shocked but mostly hurt.
“Aw honey, I can’t imagine how that must feel. Have you tried to talk with him?”
“I don’t know how. I’ve spoken to the guys, and most of them say he just needs time. He just needs to deal. I guess they’re right, so I’ve just let it go. I haven’t pushed him or asked him why he doesn’t even look at me anymore. I just let him do what he needs to do, but, it’s killing me slowly Ava. I don’t know how much longer I can be with him, and have him look at me like I’m no more than a house mate. I’m losing him. Slowly, but surely, he’s pulling away.”
Ava looks pained for me. She takes a moment, as if deciding what the best thing to say is, then she slowly speaks.
“Maybe you need to talk with him. Sometimes, when someone is in his situation, things can get a little blurred. Sometimes, all they need is for someone to bring them back to reality. Perhaps that’s what you need to do, bring him back to reality.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
“Stop treading around him, Willow. Stop being careful about what you say. Stop babying him. He needs to face this. He needs to face you. This is his family too, it’s not just up to you to make this work. Stop doing what he says, in fear of hurting him. Go back to being the loud mouthed, stubborn Willow we all know and love. Stop letting him wallow in something that can’t be changed. Maybe time is what he needed, but you’ve given him time. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, Willow, all this stepping around him won’t help. Go back to reality, and bring him back with you.”
I nod, feeling my body shudder. “And what if he doesn’t want to go back with me?”
“Then he doesn’t deserve you.”
My eyes well up with tears, and Ava gently wipes them away. Before she can say anymore, the front door opens and Jagger walks in. He’s holding his hand, which is wrapped in a bandage. I get to my feet quickly, scrambling over, but he takes a step back. I stop abruptly at his jerky movement, not bothering to step any closer.
“What happened?” I ask.
“Cut myself, it’s fine. Stitches. Nothing major. I can’t work for a few days.”
I stare at him, hurt. Once again he’s brushing me off. Ava’s words come to my mind, and I square my shoulders. Today, at least, I am tired of feeling like this. If he’s home, then he can bloody well do something productive.
“Well, then, you can help me here with the kids. It won’t kill you to pull your finger out and do something with them.”
His eyes widen, and for a moment, he actually looks shocked.
“I help you enough.”
I turn, not bothering to show him any concern for his finger.
“Getting up once or twice in the night is not helping, Johnny. So, if you can’t work, then you can stay here with them while I go out with Ava. We’re going to have dinner here tonight, with all the boys. You can’t go to the bar if your finger is sore. So we’ll bring it here. I need to get food.”
Ava is looking between Jagger and I, but I can see the pride on her face. I walk past her and begin down the hall.
“Leila isn’t awake yet, so you can sort her out when she gets up. I’m just going to get changed.”
“Willow…” Jagger starts, but I don’t turn.
When I get down the hall, I hear him say to Ava.
“Did she just call me Johnny?”
Ava is quiet a moment, then she says. “Yeah, I think she just called you Johnny.”
Smiling, I quickly get myself changed. Maybe Ava i
s right, maybe letting Jagger behave like this isn’t doing him any favors. I pull my hair up and tie it quickly, then I wash my face and pull on some shoes before heading back out into the kitchen. Jagger is standing, talking quietly to Ava. His face is expressionless, and I’m fairly sure she notices it. When I walk out, they both turn. Cody comes running out of the television room and when he sees Jagger, his little face lights up. It pains me that Jagger isn’t being the dad he should be. I know he loves them, he would die for them, but he’s just so vacant.
“Cody, buddy,” he says, but his voice isn’t the same as it used to be when he spoke to his son. Luckily for us, Cody doesn’t notice. He idolizes Jagger.
“Daddy!”
I walk over, leaning in to brush Cody’s cheek with my lips. “You and daddy are going to hang out today, big fella. Mommy will be back in a few hours ok?”
He nods, happy to be spending some time with his dad. I reach across the counter and grip my keys. Jagger looks at me, and for a long moment, our eyes hold. Then, I do something I didn’t think I would have the guts to do. I lean over, grip the back of his neck and pull him closer. I press my lips to his, it’s nothing passionate, but it’s the first time I’ve felt his lips in months. He stands, completely in shock, and when I pull back his eyes are wide and confused.
“Have fun.”
Then, I grip Ava’s hand and turn, walking out the door. When we get outside, Ava turns to me and her eyes are lit with excitement. She contains it until we’re in her car, then she squeals loudly and reaches over to hug me.
“Oh my god! That was epic! You should have seen his face! He didn’t know what hit him.”
“And it actually felt good, just putting it on him like that.” I giggle.
“He didn’t know what to do, I honestly think you put the man in shock. When you kissed him, I am fairly sure he nearly dropped Cody.”
I laugh. “Well, maybe he just needs a firm hand. Thanks Ava, for doing this with me. I know you’ve probably got enough to do today.”
She shakes her head and waves her hand, then she starts the car.
“After that show, my day is yours!”
Dark Destiny (Dark Brothers Book #4) Page 2